Sunday, August 30, 2020

The Snow Creature Review

 Note; snow is cool and so is my spellig

the snow creature

this is my review on the snow creature from 1954

its direcalt by W. Lee Wilder who did killers from space, hantom from space, manfish and the man withot a body

these sound like troy mcclure films

the onnly actor i;m famillier with is the guy who was the robot in the day the earth stood still

so it starts with a narrator saying theres an expidition to the soviet himelayas to study plants

this is how a bunch of go nagai things happened

after da title  da narrator  sez his trip from soviet los angelas before it devolved into a drugs and gangs cessoole like the crow city of angels, to india to the himilayas and found some sherpa porters and a gang of homies to work with

huh, reviewers say this movie s-cked

i like stuff that s-cked

so they go up and i notice they gotguns unlike the destination truth monkeys who go to the jungles and look for sasquatch or a dinosaur unarmed and miles from help

they set up a camp and exammine what little cr-p they can find and main guy tells a coworker to not drink booze in fromt of the sherpaz or give em liquer

later in in the village this big a55 gthing captures a chick and the natives speak japanese as in the 50s they thought "asian is asian"

then again they had Dr Zhivago played by irishmen instead of slavic guys

the townsfolk say da yeti took his gf like shin with yuria in hokuto no ken and the drs dont buy it

because of these deniar dr's, that cick's gonna have a yeti pregnancy!

latr its another night and an unseen guy takes and returns the main guys gun

later the crew is moving w/o orders and sent 4 guys off for da yeeti and dr's are gonna shoot anyone who disobeys him

wtf man! they're trying to save their friend from being b0ned dead!

good thing the natives took their ammo and made them go with on the yeti hunt

He would execute people for putting the life of theiir fellow human over a field trip to look at plants. i think hes da bad guy

later da drs are ooking through supplies annd get da radio and call for help

but 1 native J FK's the radio and gets some scotch

1 dr sez "i'll b right back!" and goes out and yeti is lurking around

main guy trys fixing da radio (oh its da same guy who sed he''d be right back. guess hes got going to h e double california)

latwr they are in da tent and 1 hears a sound and chex it out and finds nothing

da next dayy they find fotprints of da yetty  going up da mountain and they follow

also they leave behind da radio

after much walking they make camp and main guys are working on da radio

i guess they switched it with some item

a guy gets iced at night and main guy thinks somthings up as he has a smoke

later its day and evil hero snow man throes rocks at em in a fake rock slide and they hide in a cave

after more walking they make camp and they are getting kinda high and might need oxygen

also a storm is comming and they choose to take shelter in a cave

imagine if they found shangri la from  lost horizon?

so main guy tempts natie to try to use the eti to become famous and native guy sez yeti hide and come down to steal women

like the fallen angels who bred with women in the days before the flood??

after the crew falls asleep main guys look forthe radio but its in 1 of their packs

later they finda necklace thing on the natives woman and main guy wants to use da yeto to make uo for s-cking as a botanist

they split up which in most horror movirs mrans they gon get iced

they find an animal ramains in da CAVE and go on and find da teyi

native tries to cap it but main guy stops him and yeti spazzes out at a camera flash and tears upthe cave and it caves in on em

the yet's woman a d kid bit it in da cave and main yeti is ko'ed andmain guy makes the natives bring it back tied up

its probably got severe trauma from its brain wounds

at night thedr's take turns wthing so nothing goes wrong and when it wakes up, they have it beat uncoscious

so they make it to civilization and the legal guy or customs or w/e sez its the dr's catch and he has all rights to it

drs dont charge native guy for taking over the expidition and native guy dont know if this yeti has his woman

so is she still out there?

so the dr's bicker over what to do, 1 wanrs to just sell da photo and the other wanrs to use da creature to some foundation

main guy goes back to india to get a refirdgerator unit tob keep da thing alive, then returns where the crew was injecting the mummy or w/e with drugs to keep it under

they return to soviet california and sent the yeti ahead on a cargo plane

at there the customs guys wanna see its immigratoon thing as the paper calls it a snow man and its not sure if its a man or animal

its a daemon!!

he meets with immigration and keeps explaining its not a human and they wanna examine it more

meanwhile, da monkey knox over its fridge and gets out and beats out a guard

guard call for help and the dr and authorities come by

meanwhile da yetty is roaming around soviet california and taking out chix

btw this is fullscreen and b/w like films should be

da cops figger oot dat its da yti andmain guy dont wanna ice it

they put da word out of da killer shrew on da rampage and a guy bickrs with a chick who later sees it but escapes and reports it

the cops use triangulation to try to trap it but it shows up in a meat plant elsewhere w/o being spotted between

a cop suggests the dog guy is using the storm drains and when they check with a sewer gy, he sez its cooler in them and theres hundreds of miles of drains

they use the maps o the tubes to search areas around the sightings and go9 into da swewrs  like the phantom of the operas lair in the lon chaney film

I think THEM stole this idea with the giant ants

btw they keep reusing te same shot of the thinggoing toward and from the camera

so thet find it and it ko's a cop and runs off

the dr and cop check da map and tell the boys in blue to put up aa net where the tunnel leads

it eventually gets caught in it andits strangling da dr and cop caps it a few times

then cop gets word his woman pooped out a baby hats 8lbs and chooses to name his new soon after the dr

the eend

that was pretty good

sorta king kong 1 meets american godzilla 1 with the constant narration

wtf, 1 actor in here; keith richards

the druggie from the monkees or w/e dat 50s band was?

but this was a decent 50s monster movie

good pacing and flow, doesnt drag and has a good 50s feel

nowadays they'd make the dr look bad ffor his actions and make the monster sympathetic

what next? megatron as the hero?

bit this was pretty good even though they reused the same shot a lot and have long scenes of just people walking

for some reason i think this reminds me of the japanese monster movie half human 

huh, thiss film insppired that one and also was based on yeti tracks found in everest

put em on the history channell!!

for the snow creature 2 i want it to be about tthe wife of the native guy returning with a yeti kid she pooped out fom being with the yeti klan and the people try to keep the kid safe from gaijin who come by who would experiment on it for being a hybrid. eventually the kid digivolves to a bug like form and when the townspeople attack, it takes em out with its black magic powers. aldso its an 8 bit game on nes, master system, game boym game gear atari jaguar and lynx and tg16 where in the 1st half you gotta hide and avoid the guys in stealth things and in the 2nd half its a bea em up where you bust up himelayNn military guys.

Friday, August 28, 2020

Flatliners Rview

 Note: Spelling right is 4 da dead


this is my review on flatliners from  1990

its directal by joel scjumacher who mae good stuff and cr-p and stars kirfer sutherland, julia roberts, billy baldwin, kevin bacon in my a55 and oliver platt

i saw it b4 and its srta like ghost from the same year

its also produced by michael douglas and has a cr-ppy remake i never saw

wtf, the 2017 ver is a sequel?! but its got da same title!

what is this?! Halloween and Shaft?!

so ater opening credits to chilling chior, it starts with keefer saying its a god day to die andthen these medical guys are dealing with a chick with an fd hemmorage

later this chick tells of her floating out of her body after bitng it aand going into the light and hearing The Vice saying he's keeping her baby but she goes back

others share their experiences annd later the chaaracteers traiining to be drs are chilling out and chatting

keefer is getting guys together for an experiment and julia robers (who's brother eric was in the human centipede 3 and A Talking Cat?!!) dont wanna be in it

1 guy got in trouble for helping someone wrong or something and keefer twists him into helping with his thing

so they inject keefer with drugs to kill him and lower his body temp to have him go through what happens when the body bites it, then pull him back to see whats beyond life

1 guy; if u die can i have your apartment?

thats good 90s dialogue!

no one sez dat anymore

so while he's in the beyond he sees a grassy field and people running in it but as they jerk him out he sees it going darker and creepier like Pumpkinhead from the 80s

after hes back, they walk around in blue night like a Tim Burton movie or The Bodyguard and keefer sez he feels and hears a dragging sound and kevin a55 bacon checks him out and finds physically hes ok

others in da gang wanna have a turn and keefer is seeing trippy things in da blue light of night

inclusing his pet dog

after some trippuy visions of eefer in the next realm, he's in bed and julia eric robertts is treating him and sez not to push it

also is this couple who wanted to get married but plan on it later (well... thats the end of them!!!)

so then julia robberts, wait, another guy trys the experiement and seez weird blue lited chock and hands

oh f! this was ripped off by Yugioh The Darkside of Dimensions manga preqquel Transcend Game where Seto nearly faced the Pharaoh and nearly bit it

so these dinks are amazed theres something beyond life despite Faith saying that for the ast several thousand years

its lke in pearl harbo where japan attacks soviet hawaii in 1941 and ben affleck or w/e sez "i think WW2 just started"

but kevin "backdoor" bacon sez he think they only see what they wanna see and wants to go for 2  mins under

keefer asks the guy if he had any neegative thing in his encounter and guy sez no

butt bacon chats with soviet julia roberts about him being a deniar of The Lord and julia sez a lot of peiple irregardless of prptoculture and faith  have the same experiences

later keefer sees his dog andfollows it through the blue night and finds a kid who kicks him in the parts and beats his a55

well... thaat came outta nowhere

holy cr--p we're like a 1 hour in with adds

that felt like nothing!

latwr the dream girl guy chats with another chick aboyt near dearh encountets

later keefer is running in fear from something but its not bad

later its a rave or something at college and they have a bonfre and oh its a  hallowwen party

so the ggang gets together on halloween to do a dedly experiment

that'll totally not turn into a horror movie

so  kwven bacon gets put to sleep and sees a montage of images including a child in da wombb and mountains of ice

girk dreamer starts seeing the dreamm girl in moniters and they bring backk sovirt kevin bacon as he has freeky visions

baconator keeps trying to rationalize his experiences and julia andd keefer bid on who gets to go nrext by bu,ping uphow long they'd be dead

later kevin i meen keedwr has a dream of the kid beating him up and spitting in his mouth

then we see his black kid swearing at either him or keevin in a scene that probably inspired that scene in Hook (which also had julia roberts)

so they put julia roberts to sleep (erikn brockavitch 2!! revenge of P&G!!) and sje sees freeky things  of a ww2 guy and flashing cameras, then kid her goes into a room and a shirtless man comes out and her mom gets p-ssed at her

so they try to bring her back but a fuse blows and they cant shock her back so they gotta CPR

kid julia in nightmare land sees a pickup truck wwith a bloaod soaked bullet hole in da back window as i guess someone ate his gun (Later used in the 3003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot)

thhey use drugs to revive her and later, the guys who went under say they are being tormented by images od people they wronged

dream grl guy was taping women w/o consent and their sins are causing them damage

Now seems like a good time to go to Church

Get a Priest to remove the curse or go to Cofession or someething

so 1 guy tells julia of it and a flashback reveals keefr tormented the kd who beats on him as a kid and had him up tree in the dark world with his dog and threw rocks at him

bacon i thibktormented a ghetto kid and dream girl guy is approached by chix who hit on him

imagiine editing this to be "what gay guys deal with at clubs" as he tries to avoid them

then a real girl, oh its the near deth girl, found his tapes of him b0ning chicks and storms out

later in med class they are disecting corpses and julia  spazzes out and runs

baconemeets this black woman in this Pumpkinhead like woods area and sez sorry for being an a55 hole decades ago

meanwhile, keefer is attacked by the kid and when baconer comes back, its just keefer  fighting an item and spazzing out

so the gang reunites and julia is haunted by her dad who ate his gun cuz of her and they all bicker

backern comforts her and a guy tries to get keefer to a hospital but keefer runs and goes through the run dow slums of soviet california or w/e and they wind p in a graveyard with the tombstone of the kid he tormented who fell outta da tree and bit it

keefer yells at da stone and sez cuz he went t a home for boys he paid his union dues for killing a guy

so later julia "Te human sisterpeede" roberts is home and in a virtual boy game as its all red and reconsiles with her dad and its actually kinda moving

later kefer caffiene calls julias and sez hes going undef soo he can make amends for killing that kid

wouldnt the news have picked uup the story of a kid being iced by a classmate?

so feeder gives himelf the needle and goes to the next world and has flashes like a dreamm of the field annd the kid he iced and the gang gets there andtrys to savve him

in nigtmareland hes in da tree and the kid he iced is throwing da rox and its bee 9 mins

hes gonna be a brain damage!

so in nightmare land billy kno him outta da tree and as he falls hes adult feeder and the gang is beating on his corpse after like 12 mins

juia ggets bacin to give up and he sez sorry to God for going where man was not meant and as kevin bacin feels keefr dont deserve to go to h e doubl england, he zaps him

in dreamlandd kid smiles at keefer and walks off to h-ll as keefer runs back to life

keefer sez its not such a good day to die and we get orchestral music over a Christian painting in a Churech or something

the end

btw this was wide screen and the colors were murky at times but not dead looking like modern cr-p

i liked it though

it had heart and horror and good lights and music and feels

it worked and i think it was pretty good

also it has good flow and doesnt drag

it works and is a good late 80s early 90s fillm like thr Nina Turtles and Ghost

also some parts of thid reminded me of The Crow

For Flatlinwers 2 I want it to be the 2000s and Flatlining i becoming  trend by people who wanna see their sins and overcome them. it follows a new generation of malcontent teens who are disgrruntled with the crimes of their ancestors and do this to try to atone but find their self hate is really what they must atone for. also its an 16 bit sega geness, gba, snres, tg16 and atari jaguar game where you play as their ancestors who torment the teens into not hating their ancestors and you gotta maneuuver em to the goal with attacks and moving itemss around at em.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Little Nemo Adventures in Slumberland Review

 Note: I spell dream like

Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland

this is my review on Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland from the distant future year of 1989 (The year something anime happened b4 199X)

its based on a comic from the 1900s and was animated by TMS

after this came out it failed at the box office and TMS recouped its losses by doing work for Warner Bros and their great 90s stuff like Timy Tooons, Batman and Animaniacs

This movie had a long hard production and was worked on by a buncha guys like Hayao Miyazaki, Ray Bradburry and George Lucas before eventually being finished

it stars, the kid who was littlefoot in the land before time 1, mickey rooney, William E Martin from Baulders Gate and GoBots, Neil Ross, Alan oppenheimer, Michael Bell, Sherry Lynn, Nwncy Cartwright, Tress Macneille (Both from the simpsons), Michael McConnohie, Michael Gough, June Foray an Greg Berger

So after credits to a positive song about dreams and how there's all this magic and promise in it, we see Nemo in bed and it flies out

No its not Captain Nemo nor the Fish from that Disney movie

btw I regently beat the NES game of this and it was brutal.

so this has really good fluid animation and designs

nemo wakes up and id amwzed his bed is flying him around the town

he flies in the sky and has such fun to good usic and through the colouds that Aladdin totally didnt rip off

then he's in some cloud city nd his bed falls through some sorta water barrier and through a tnnel a train comes after him on

it goes into water but keeps going and busts his bed and he escapes hme as the train busts in

then he wakes up

then the title


its wodecreen!

so then its daytimee and heres a circus parade and nemoy and his flying squirrel whos not june foray go to see it

his squirle is named icarus like gohans pet in the garlic jr arc and sounds like guilomon from the bad digimon season

the ringmaster invites him on a  hore ride and tells everyone to get ticketas

at home,, nemo bugs his dad to take him to the circus but he has work to pay for foo so he sez maybe tomorrow

latwr nemo is sleep walking at nighte and icarus helps him down da stairs

he gors into the fridge aand tries to jack a pie but mom stops him and he returns to bed

da nexte daye the dead moon circus from sailor moon season 4 comes in, or is it the queen of hearts uys from alice in wonderbread? and this professor comes in to invite nemo to slumber land for king morpheus (not larry fishburn from the increasingly bad matrix moviees) to play with da princess

nemo dont wanna play with her cuz shes a girl but they briibe him with sweets and he change his toon

also there's an airship like in Steel Empire on Sega Genesis

so he leaves a note and they fly off to slumberland totally not like with Peper Pan which came out around the same time

they let Nemo drive the airship as its the 1900s and no one cares about grade schools smoking or driving

affter getting past da knightmare and clouds, they nake it to slumberland which looks like Hyrule in the Snes Zelda game map

they are met by flip who looks like a bum and flies a huge crow like the one in the secret on nimh wjo prossessor sez to stay away from

so in the kingsland the king is gone and everyone ditches nemo to look 4 him

flip comes by and has a map of nightmaareland and slumberland and nemo trusts hhim

flip knows secret passahes and finds an upsidedown area (this was in the nes game) and they crawl on ceiling furntiure until nemo falls and winds up in a train area

circus guy comes by and looks like santa (not pplayed by mickey rooney) or uyghur in hokuto no ken and nemo helps him fix his toy train

the train drive off and they head it off at the pass and ride it (this too was in the nes game)

after a  livley ride they crash into professor and its revealed santa here is king morpheus who wanys to be called morphy

morphinominal wants to make  neno his heir and gives him the golden key to open any door in slumberland, but don't open the dragon door.

what is this? The Garden of Eden?!

As this was paartly based on The Biible, can they putt it on the Histry Channel?

It worked for 2012!

so Nemo meets da princess wjo's on a harp singing a song and prfesser ditches em

after a bit of bickering over little things, she sez hes cute and shes gonna  shows him slumberland

also icatus is nemo'a best friend as i guess he dont get along with the kids at school

as a kid, my ca was my best friend as the kids at school were awful

after some action with icarus, princess shows him around slumberland with livley imagination and exotic animals for the 1800s like gaters and zebras and ostrich

then it rains and they fly on buterflly wings andwear dandylion fluff

then nmo has to get schooled in proiceness and he has a load of teachers and 1 is a  thicc fat chick who daces with nemowith his head in her  huge chest like  with lucoa from miss kobayashi's dragon maid

also he learns fencing and soup eating and horse riding

is he training to be a 30s movie star?

after dat flip gives him his hat and coat and theyescape to a police station andflip messes with the cops who beat on eacjj other thinking it was the otjer

after they chase flip and nemo through a scooby doo thing, they escape on his crow they see a dinosaur like gertie at a music thing thatthey make sneeze with a bird feather and drop a  tent its holding up

also flip has a high bounty on him like hes a one piece pirate

they trigger the fireworks and 1 pops a cloth on em that brings em down

after they escape undergrund like in beast machines, they face bats and find a  huge door that yugioh zeal totally didnt rip off

its got the dragon sign on it and neemo knows the king told him not to open it

flip eggs him on into opening it and inside is black goo like the organic stuff also in beast machines

flip bookss it and nemo goes after him w//o locking it and now its night and its time for nemo to be coronated

nwmo aand flip land on their crow and prosfeser has him dressed up as flip hides under the dress of a chick with a huge butt to get in

king sez now its nemos job to protect them from the knogtramees and uses a magic rod to fre a huge ki blast into space to demonstrate it

but nemo wont have to use it til he grows up more

nemo is crowned and everyone dances like its th 1800s but nemo feels bad about diching the key

flip wants to use the magic item but nemo keeps it from him and give ut to the pincess to run back and get back da key

why did it take til night to get here?

was he wanderin thr underground all day and only got out now?

so the black ooze comes out and didnt tiny toons do thisblack slime thing a few years later?

nemo trys to warm the king but he dont listen an itenvelops him i really well doneanimation

nemo cant givve the king the item and hes captured

professer realizes someone opened the forbitten door and blames flip but flip blames nmo and everyone turns on him

he wakes up b4 they eat hi alive but  hes got the item annd hears the kings voice

as he che it out, the wood fridge bursts with water and floods the house and then hes in an ocean

nemo regrets listening to flip (whos kid of the bad guy here) and he finds professer on a box in the water

professer sez king is in nightmareland and no one knows where it is but as flip has the map, they gotta save him from being banished into space like dr weil in megaman zero

fli is loaded into a cannon and nemo stops em by revealin he has the map

dint they frisk him?

so flip gives em da map and its in code only he can read an he has to go with em or be fired outta da cannon

also princess slugs him foe poking fun at her an forbids him from his cigars

abuse of power by the regent!! he's gonna go into wihdrawl and spazz out!!

later flip falls asleep and the boat they in goes down a whirlpoole and onto an underwater air  area like something outta a video game

in a swamp these gblins try to grab the princess but they run seein the item

flips map is ruined by water so he fakes it as being honest istoo hard fo him

latr in da woods flp fakes em ou and redraws the map while having a smoke and some goblins appear and he fakes blacking out

nemo and friends show up and scare em off and they say they are good goblins

also flip blames em for forcing iim to smoke like hes a grade schoolwr caught with a buddy havig a drag

also thw goblins can fuse and change forme ans sing a song abot how they dont wanna be bad and fear da nightmare king(which sounds like a yugioh card) and they know the safe way

they make the goblins like in troll 2 the new guides and flip carrys the lluggage like a slave

later its night again and they talk about the agic words to uwse the item

moon! Scepter! Eliminatiob!

flip gets caught by bats and nemo trys using the scepter but doont lnow da words

the batligs captre the princess and guys like its the 39 wizard of oz and nemo waks up in his room again wotth te goblims amd sceptr

a big goblin comes in who's the goblims fruends and he's got a letter for nemo  from morphy withthe magic words for the scepter

but icarus sez if nemo uses it he'd bite it

so nemo sez it'll be ok and thats the end of that subplot

nemo's beds legs 3xtend and it walks through town like the comic scene everyone knoews and it flies off and through a portal in da sky to knightmare land

btw kirby ripped off nightmares, dreams, and the nes game of fuaing with stuff

so in nightmareland they escape the ooze and go through this dark rocky lord of the rings area aand go to the nightmare castle

its got a forcefield so they go through this underground like thing

then we see nightmare king looking epic and like something outta urotsukidoji and he gets mad hearing nemo and the sscpety is in the area and causes wimd like in disney's fantasia that blows all his demons around in the dark

then nightmare king is after em with an extendable arm lke piccolo in dbz and they escapeinto a hidden area

nightmare king reveals he has nemoes homies caufghtand sealed  in tubes and when nemo screams, he knows where nemo is

also he  has morphy trappedand when nemo goes out to save him, he's knowed away

the bed saves him and the good nilbogs tell him the words to charge the item and he uses it like zeroes z saber to slice through this manta thing

the bed shatters and kigntoghte king mocks nemo until nemo slices aparts his hand

then knightmare king starts black holing andis gonna suck nemo into himbut using icarus holding the note, he reads the words and nukes the nightmare king as his whole kingdom goes up in light

he even burns away like bebi in dbgt in the sun

or tthat makai with the eyes and trenchcoat from urotsukidoji

so nemo looks dead and his friends are freed and princess hugs him amd everyone crys like its the pokemon movie

morphie revies him with the scepter as it can do that (dragon ball super ripped this off)and nemo  sez sorry for pening the door

morphy sez the nightmare king is gone as is in kinggom and princess and nemo take off in an airship as flip flies by and has a huge cigar

nnowadays they'd whine about smoking in a kids movie

they got sword fights in eter pan, do we blame them for kids knifing each othr?

so nemo and princess ban flip from smoking forever (big gov over reach! oppression of the people! unamerican!)

nemo kisses princess and it fades to white totally not like total recall andhe wakes up

he sez dorry to mom for trying to take da pie and dad sez he can take em to da circus and nemo is happy

the end

then cedits to kind music

that was great

lite but with a hint of ominous and dark

safe but with a hint of danger

excellent animation and an overall positive feel

it brings you back to being an innocent kid and is clean and wholesome and pure

no heavy political or social message and just fun, livley cheer, heart and great visuals

its so nice and has creativity and the music is enjoyable

i'm glad i watched it and i enoyed this more than the game which was pretty angering with its high difficulty

but this is a positive movie and i watched it on youtube under TMS's official Anime Channel

now when things are dark and bitter and edgy and force messages into us, itss good to see something innocwnt and gentle wit a bit of toughness

its a bit like willow or krull with the forests and marshes and monsters and journey and has a nice soft fluid look

the animated characters pop out from from the background in ways modern shows dont and it has character and heart

I never saw this b4 and I'm glad I did

for Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland 2 i want the son of the nightmare king who was sealed away for being too malcontennt to have been freed from the destruction of the nightmare kingdom and wants evenge for his peoples ruin. he takes over slumberland and seals away the peole. flip escapes and goes to nemo in his dreams and has saves 2 magic jewels that allow them to transform into dream warriors to battle the nightare force away. its also a 16 bit beat em up game on sega genesis, snes gba tg16 and attari jaguar where you ply as nemo and flip in crazy dream armor and use dream beams from them to burn away the nightmare forces to save dream land.

Saturday, August 22, 2020

Sabretooth Review

Note: My spelling fits this movie


This is my revbiew on Sabre|Tooth from 2002(The year sh-t happeneed in Apocalypse Zero and Robotech)

it stars Keith David I meann David Keith, John Rhyts Davies and the voice of Fievel from An American Tail

Its directed by James D.R. Hickox (which sounds like a p0rn0 name) who did Children of the Corn III: CORN IN MY A55!!

I saw this years ago on AMC where they cut the swearing and gore

but now i'm watching it on youtube

so it starts with a science company where a  janitorr (That sounds like a He Man guy) gets chopped up by an unseen mondster

oh wow, i won der what it could be?! a monkey??

then the title and then we're in the woods andthis ggroup of not ugly 30 year old teens is screwin around

1 guy breaks boards with kung fu and his black guy friend wants to try

a black guy in a horror movie? this will end well for him

black guy wants to b0ne the chicks and 1 is inexperienced and brings junk food that skilled blonde throws out cuz its gonna attract bears

i thought the degrassi guys attracted bears? and i dont mean the animal!!

meanwhile, this guy drives a thing with a chained up cargo and gets gas

so the skilled blonde is ready to start and the dink off the group comes by late and they are gonna be jr guides who lead poor kids on camping trinps in 2 weeeks

dink wants to ask where the sh-tter is but can''t get it out so the kung fu guy tells him the world is his toilet out here

isnt this soviet california?!

manwhile, driver wants some coffee and this working guy there is too inbred to talk so his brother does the mouth stuff

i guess california si pretty accepting of non tradtitional coouples so inbreeding has become common by whenever this takes place

so dink se his mom made him do this or she'd beat his candy a55 and he grows closer to the new blonde and he's too cr-ppy at not computer stuff to manage

so is he the virgin in this?

maybe not butt virgin!!

no uncle tommy! not in the back door!!

so later driver is driving at night, and falls aslweep at the whoeel an crashes and the cargo got out

it cuts through his metal car like butter (which makes it seem like some kinda daeemon)and f;s him dead

later, man ray and this blonde are in a cabin and talking of a smilodon that grows fast and was cloned and now they can use this to clone organs and help people

the road to h e double new york is paved with good intentions

so gilmi wants to use this to become president despite being an elgnishman and you need to be a REAL american to be prez

althuough that didnt stop president houssein

and he's got this nerd chick whos a pro at  ancient cr-p to track it down

meanwhile, its also night(is this the same day?!) and the 30 year old teens are at the campground by a campfirte

meanwhile, this white striaght opposite family adult human non relative cuple is b0ning in a cabin and the chcik (aother blonde) hears somethign and gors out

her butt buddy goes out waring onluy a hat and t shirt and looks for her and she gets eaten by the sabertoth

the hat he wears on his d0ng dalls off (as i guess he went limp after seing the monster) and it eats him(and his freshly used man parts)

so john ryhsy finds out the thing got out and he needs to keep it on the down low so he cant get a tam up here so he calls in a bada55 to takke it down

they tell him its an african lion and pay him a lot of rice crispie treats to keep it quiet and to catch it alive

later its day and black guy is screwin around by the side of a cliff and falls off when he hears the cat snarl

they bring him back and dink is nervous about holding the girls hips to khelp pull em up

so team discovery channel gets to the place and starts tracking the john rhys is b--chy about carrying 120lbs of sh-t

meanehile the team teens are walking and i just realised if they had an asian they'd be the power rangers

discovery channel team finds the cabin the couple was b0ning in and se the thing is 150lbs

to quote mu black friends; my a55

this things a freekin ligwe!!

so bada55 sez to call da cops but seiencte chick throws the phone away and finds the chopped upblonde who she leaves to die

she sez the phone fell out on da trail and they say "give us earth 24 hours to catch it and then we call da cops"

he agrees to this and they go on

then its soviet night and the teens drink liquer and hear sounds they say are cats b0ning

like a mountain lion and bobcat



You know what could go wrong? AIDS!!

so the teens play truth otr dare and ned admits he was arrested shopliftuing

1 guy aks new blonde if she ever b0ned a chick and she sez "no, id yoou??"

what are you? vasquez from aliens?!

so kung fu goes for a walk with new blonde and elsewhere nerd chick wants to tell bada55 about the sabertooth but it pickes her off

bada55 gors after em and meanwhile, kung fu and new blnde sit on a coat on da grass and chat

new blondes mom made her go as she was with a bad croud. they were probably using swear words ad smoking chronic

he tellls her of a chick he liked and she takes off her shirt(but still has a bra)and they run through th bright night

later elsewhere, bada55 returns daying he lost the monster but found whats left of the nerd chick

what a useful character

ceo chick sez the nerd chick is iced so they can't do sh-t so it dont matter what happens

meanwhile, new blonde puts her top on and sees the sabretooth and runs but runs into kung fu who jokingly roars and she freaks out

but for some reason, the monster is gone and they return to cmp and he thinks she saw a mountain lion and spazzed

the next day the bada55 se to ceohes gonna ice the cat and at th teens campnew blonde tells blonde about what she saw and blonde se thats not possible

also they see the pawprint in their camp (but only 1 and no others and its in a weird place) and they decide to go home

kung fu and new blonde and the rest dont wanna go home so they keep going despite a freekin sasquatch cat is out there

also bblack guy thinks by teeth she ment kung fu's weener

so they are going on and find a cave and dink dont wanna go in as he fears the ebola from bat sh-t

black guy makes a torch outta a convienently places stick and cloths and burning fluid

meanehilw kung fu and new blonde go off to get a look at the miles of trees and rocks they were trugding through

in da cave, blonde and black guy see indian marking and a cougar comes in and they scare it off with a torch

after climbing up rockks, looking at the area, and nothing else, the kung fu and new blonde come down

later its night and corporate team finds the campers trails and bada55 wants to follow the kids

the adult teens and camping at night and dink talks to black guy and have a good bond as dink goes off too take a big steamy dump in the woods

b4 he empty's the a55 he hars something, spazzes out and runs in the darkwoods, trimps, his glasses fall, when he puts em on, the monkey gets him

everyone on both grups hears it and they prepare for the attack

how far away did he go into da woods to sh-t?!

ust go a few feet and plop!

so then its daylight and they split up to find the dink

blonde and black guy find his toilet paper and new blonde with kung fu thinks dink is iced

blonde and black guy meet bada55 and sez he found whats left of dink

and cuz they were in the cougar cave they got cat stink on em so the gator can track em

meanwhile, manray and ceo are chatting and how she dont wanna harm the animal as is life matters

then reveals the other victims its had

he wants to ice it and wipe the evidence but she seduces him by saying it would put them too far behind in cometitipon to do so

meanwhile, kung fu and new blonde see the monster and run up a rocky power rangers like path

the smilodon is often close ups of anamatronic and full body shots of bad 00s cg

so the monsterbites new blondes head and carrys her off to devour

he goes back and tells what happpened and they wanna get out

bada55 sez theres an abandoned mine a while away and goes off to fight it as the teens run off to da mine

bada55 is gonna siper it but the rich duo trys to tranq it and it runs

they bicker about whos right and the thing attacks and gimli gets caught in his own beartrap and gets his eye's f'd out by its teeth

if its mouth can fit a huamn head in it, how  does it pop his eyes with da teeth?

ceo and bada55 escapr but realise they left tehir guns behind and go back

you otta carry a samurai sword

they can cut through 3-5 humans in 1 slice

so they find the rpped clothes and a bit of meat of jon ryhs davis and get a rifle and still have tranw cr-p

then the cat comes by the mine and black guy fights it wth knifes

the one black guy sacrifices himself to save the white virgin couple?!

tat's never been done b4!!

so it wacks him as he never went for its eys orr neck and the white virgins go in da miena d try to escape

but the radical rex bubsy atttacks and they crawl out a hole in da eearths a55, well the blonde does as kung fu is stuck inside

th corpotrte guys come by and ceo chic sez she throught she was doing something great with regret and blonde calls for help

bada55 gives the chick a gun and goes in with a kinfe and loooks to the top of the hole

he could have j fk'd the monster right now if he had his gun but instead he uses a needle full of drugs on the tigur

but he's too beefy so blonde goes in and spear chucks it in the hand

it blacks out and i think jurassic world 2 ripped this off as he sneaks past a druggged ancient monster

they reunite outsode the thing and run as bada55 is gonna finish it off

its comming out but when he tries to cap it, his gun is empty as chick toook the ammo

after running a bit, blonde and kung fu go back as ceo goes on

bada55 escapes but is caught in a bear trap and limps out using his rifle as a cruth

he reunites with the teens and has kung fu make spears outta trees

as the cat was drugged, why not kill it with a rock? or cut its leg so it cant chase you?

so they reunite wih the ceo chick and are stuck on a cliff with no way off

he slugs her out for leaving him to bite it and when he's gonna ice the cat, she pulls a gun on it as she thinks an aninmal is equal to or greater than a human

spoiler; we have souls!!

kung fu does a green ranger jump apin kick and takes out her gun but hgets capped and the liger zero schneider comes by

ceo tells it to go as way of trying to save it but it sends her to h e double england

eats her guts as she calls for help

just like in the thing from another world

so bada55 tries sticking it with a spear from above(GO FOR ITS EYS) BUT IT SNAPS IT

f, caps lock was on

it jumps him but he hoold a spear B4 IT JUMPED and i gets stuck on it, flipped over and bites it

the he throws the spear and they tend to the kung fu and she smooches him on the mouth with consent and they leave the area

holy cr-p, the inbred guy was the director

the end

that was pretty good

decent horro, good build up, not much happens but it keeps interest

set decorator; aaron dick. sounds like a p0rn0 name

puppeteers; john crawford. like the chick from mommie dearest??

but overall i liked it

its not the gratest, but its a decent film thats worth a look

simple, easy to follow, fun, not too bad

good lighting too. theres actual clor and light instead of being dark and dingey

for sabretooth 2 i want it to be a few years later and there are sightings in the park of smilodons. turns out, while it was out, the sabretooth bred with native cats and created croosbred monsters that are super strong and able. the bada55 from the 1st movie is back and is gonna take em out to save humanity. its also a 16 but run n gun game on sega genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar and tg16 where you play as him and go around taking out these mutants and some have devolved new powers and have ki blasts and esp to lift rocks around.

Thursday, August 13, 2020

The Impossible Kid Review

 Note: spelling bad is possiblee

the impossible kid

tthis is my rreview on the impossible kid from the distant fuuture year of 1982 (the year robotech season 1 1st aired in japan)

i never saw this b4 but it seems interesting

its from soviet the phillipenes and stars weng weng who was 2'9  talll and was the pillipeeds 1st big star

so it starts with the miidget taking on a sniper on top of a building and he and i think a back up  guy go in with guns

they get to da top but sniper gfled so back up lowers midget on a rope and he sees naked chicks

he goes in a window and on the way, smooches a chick outta da shower

then saves a family at gunpoint by smniper

then we see himon a mini scooter bike and he's an agent who is going to respond to a calling all cars thing

he pulls over a bus, beats guys up and caps a few

later hes at this office and this chick is totally gay for him cuz girls like guys under 3 feet tall

cheif coms in and breifs him onhow bad guys are gonna kidnap for randsome rich industrialists and are in the fillipeenz for enhancing their network

after a rundown of guys iced by the badds, midget goes to a meeting and sez hes the fuzz but when the guards try to have him taken away, he beats em up and they take him srs

he shows a tape of the guy there making a tape saying he's the baddz but are really good guys and se to bow tyo em or get iced

are they commies?

oh its a randsom tape

then the tape blows the tv and midget goes out but 2 bike guys come after him and he escapes

wait., i think the tape guy is not the guy in the meeting

so he goes back to base and plays a recording of the message and they go over the facts and that a guy was caught and iced by the badds and another paid the randsome

they go to the place the paying guy is giving his cash to the badda and midget hides in the trash the cash is in and gets taken off

the cops folow and when the badds open the bag, the midget pops out and takes em down

then the cops come and arrest em and they get the cash back

later they meet the guy who paid who's p-ssed they stopped him from paying as now he gon get wacked

as he leaves, a cross drrsser tries to grenade his a55 but midget beats him up and blows the grenade on crossdresser

then this chick tells these guys she knows where midget trains in karate and plays to ice him there

at da dojo he does karate and this chicck trains while watching him

after kicking a55 with everyone else, he fights the chick and takes her down

then faces a human sied guy (instead of a gnome or hobbit) and kicks his a55

chick pulls a gun but he blocks with human sized guy and stops her

the baddz wanna take him out and send guys to his apartment

but he sneaks out and parachutes out a window on a blanket as that totally works in real life

so da cops interogate the chick who teird to ice midget at the dojo and midget suggests using truth serum

she spazzes out a bit and bites it as someone swappped the truth serum with aids juice or some other poison

then its night and midget is going aroundthis place like a ninja

is this where toshio maeda got the idea for nin nin in la blue girl?

cuz in the english releases, they cut the midget love scenes as they thought he looked like a kid being b0ned

that's kinda insulting

you aint a real man!!

so this is the bad guys base and an alarm allerts them to the midget qnd they catch him and take him to theboss

1 guy throws boss's cobra at him but he throws it off andd boss sez he wont ice him as hes not the bad guy but midget is for ttesspassing

midget sez hes on the bad guys siide but he sez if he was he'd have iced midget by now andis gonna file a complaint

after punching a few guys for no reason, midget leaves and is at da gun range and cheif and general come by about the complaiint

and if they dont take him off the case, bad guy will charge him witrth cr-op

so hes off da case but what he does on his own time is none of general's business

so after the badds laff like ret-rds over thinking thety got midget offf da case, he's driving on da road on his toy a55 scooterand bbeing chased by these guys

he escapees into a str-p club  or soomething and wants a coke as booze is bad 4 u

da news sez da baddz want 1 billion pesoes or they wack aa different industrialist every day

so he gets out and gives the cops a descrip of a car the baddz are in and then the cops pull em over

the bad guys get a flash fire blast that makes em open fire and they wack eachother

1 guy lingers and midget goes to a h--ker place and they think hes a kid until he shows ID and all the wh-res wanna b00ne him

do midgets have huge parts or something??

so midget searches around for the bad guys and later is at the statuon with this guy they arrested in the car and are grilling him

imagin if they were literally griling him and cooking him on a huge a55 bbq and as pieces of his flesh drip off they pick it up with a bbq fork and eatt it

so da nextt day the baddz send a message and the guy is in a mask that looks liek a klansman and sez they have til tomorrow to pay

the industrialists wanna pay (is this a thing on taxes or union dues? you gotta pay to live??) and the chief wants them to not pay as they'd just do it again and again and keep getting more funds to ice more people

soon it woould be the film actors guild, strangling the country with its communist rules

but the industrialists wanna pay and later its night and midget is caughtby gun guys but beats them up with a staff

remember when cartman fought the midget who was a martial arts expert in south park?

he kicked his weird shaped a55!!

but this guy beats everyone  like he's freakin kenshiro!

he probably knows ki moves

imagine him blasting holes in guys wiith his ki

so middgeto escapes and chases thebaddz boss on a scooter and beats up more guys after badds boss goes through a car wash

baddz boss eacaspes to a boat and midgeto follows and after he goes down stairs, the boss cloess the lid and traps his tiny a55

so the badds celebrate their win and one of the chicks on there opens his cage(midget in a cage?! i can see the pc comming spaxzing ou ove rit(and over me saying spazzz as it makes em spazz out)) as shes gay for him

maybe he can crawl up her butt and she can fake being pregnant?

meanwhile, da bank sez to the cops tht when the 1 billion pesoes (which is like 20$ today) is withdrawn, it'll f up th economy

is this where angel cop got it from?

so the baddz are gonna throw his cage in the water and let the sharks have him

that dont make sense. the cage will protect him

also; are there sharks in the filopeens?

so they trhow him in and a chick saves him cuz she likes b0ning midgets

the net day they drump da briefcase of cash in the water, a guy brings it to da boat an midget jumps out and wastes everyone with a big a555 gun and fists

is thhis where austin powers got mini me?

he also beats downa bad chick and da boat catches fire somehow and blows

so the baddz get the berif case but midget poops out and beats their a55es

he revealsthe chick who saved him has the cash and they make oyt as credits roll to a 60s or 70s sounding song

the end

that was kinda fun

weird, silly, offbeat and cheesy

but it works

its only like 90 mmins and is puublic domaid and yeah its got bad film quality and the music is from the past, but it fits

i liked it and felt it was a good film

its not gonna win the oscar but its worth a watch, maybe wirh a bunch off homies while chugging pepsi and eating chips

for the impossible kid 2 i want him to face a drug dealing kungg fu gang that mutated themselves with drugs and gained daemon powers.he unleashes hs ki attaks and fights through them while o missions and nuking the area with ki bursts after raising it enouugh by beating guys up. its also a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar where you play as the midget or a different colored midget and fight through various levels of increasingly devolved looking guys.

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

City Ninja Review

 Note: Spewlling right brings great dishonor to ninja clan! Ippon!!

city ninja

this is my review on city ninja from... h-ll if i know

i never saw this b4 but its on chch at 2 am cuz they air public domain movies on then

theres no info on wikipeodea for this but it seems 70s or 80s and from soviet asia

so in hong kong in 1940 this guy fights ninja and even though they have katana, he holds em off unarmed

he gives it to lo bao whto protect it until after the war (assuming they dont lose) and lo escapes and later fights em off with a staff and they vanaish

i was not aware imperial japan sent ninja in the war

then the title and an anime style opening of martial arts fights against ninja

a duckduckgo search shows its on youtube and is from 1985

then its hong kong 1985 and this guy named wang lee (the x star cousin of robert e lee) is at a club and having fun

so lo runs clubs now and wants wang to be his new club leader

then some guys come by wanting to see lo adtheres a fight

turns out its lo's homies and they go in

btw i think this lo is a different lo as he's david lo

he's in underhanded dealings to make the clubs work and taking chicks out like the qween in soviet england did to chuckies other chix

then there's a fight in a gym between not bolo uyeung and a normal guy who gets his a55 kicked but makes a comeback and wins by spitting blood in the guys face

this guy named park (like lincon park?) se boxing is cr-p and offeres hum high pay work  to get this necklace back

then he trains and we get a sweaty work out montage

wait, its wang who this happened to

and his woman is lisa like in robotech and the room

also his brother is named soy as i guess he has no parts

soy wants to be wangs cheerleeder and fly around aisa to help him in fights

wow we're like 20 mins in

that went fast and so much happened

then a shower scene of this chick soapin up

then lisa trys to seduce lo but hes too tired to b0ne her

later wang is in the shower and we see hi a55 and lisa comes in and he slips on a towel to hide his footlong

they make out and he does some kinda heiimlich hold on her tummy and they stop after he feels her thigh

was that a love scene?

i dont know about korean moviee standards as in bollywood they can''t have violence or nude scenes so they just break into gay songs and daemon dances when thingds are about to get good

imagine a go nagai live action bollywood thing

so at this club, park gets beat down and iced and lo b--ches to his homie about park getting fd and he needs the necklace that was split between 2 gangs

so they decide to get the wang on it

later parks sister linda hires jimmy (like bimmy and jimmy from double dragon?) to avenge park and they are in love

so jimmy meets parks boss to work for him to avenge park by beating up a gang that has part of the necklace

like the gold thing in aladdin? split in 2 halfs?

so jimmy beats the guys up and its pretty bada55

after wackking the shaved head gang, we see a mud wrestling thing and an eyepatch guy watching it gets his a55 kicked

later ang is going to south east asia for a kumite and linda offers him cash but he dont need it

then some gaijin abduct loto get the necklace back as his dad had it

after beating his a55 wang comes in and kicks their a55es

they say lo has a 1 month to get it back or he's j fk'd

so lo tells wang the necklace has a code number from a swiss bank account and he needs wang to waste the guys for the necklace

oh and the ninja got it back from his dad

wang dont consent to being a hitman and goes to be in a boxing match

but 1st he makes out with lisa and wants to b0ne but she sez they aint married and dont consent

so  later  wang and soy are training and lisa comes by and wang b0nes heer for a while

we dont see her nips or buttcrack or crotches

later, jimmy and linda chat and boss suspects jimmy wwho wants to marry linda but he needs cash 1st

then he fights some guys who poop out of nowhere

after kicking them into da water, they go to a club and slow dance

then jimmy and linda b0ne, i think

yeah they b0nin

i think its in a darkroom as its only got red light

so jimmy then takes out a sniper and fights him on the roof

20 years too late for j fk and 120 years too late for lincon

wtf does jimmyys white pants have a hole in the a55?

so like that boss in the tick on sega, immy kicks him off the roof

then jimmy meets with lo and asks for 200 000 $ for the item and lo se he owns linda and sez no

jimmy leaves and lo sends goons after him

they are taking him into a car but he fights his way out

do the spinning bird kick!

wtf i look away for 40 seconds and he's in a car and kets punches out as it gos off a cliff

later wang and lisa are onn a boat and shes pregnant wiith his illegitimate kid

some guys come on her boat and were following them for a while and hwang fight them

they gte heldd up at spear point so they jumpo in the water and soyboy saves em in a speedo beat

i mean boat

theyres a chase and the baddz give up

later lisa sez she dont lve mr lo and drives off

they were b0ning too??

what a 5kank!!

later wang wants to go to possibly soviet thailand and wants this chick jenny (like the bat chick from bloody roar?) to come with him

then lisa comes by, tells wang she duumped lo andwants to go to Confederate america with him

wang dont want her so she pulls  gu on him and he struggles with heruntil it goes off and wastes her

thensome suits come in saying thy saw him ice her and they can help him if he gets them the ncklace i soviet korea

wtf is going on?!

this all came the h-ll outta nowhere

who's jenny? why was lisa b0ning lo? why don't wantgg want her anymore?

so the wang goes to th korea and 1 guy, maybe lo? i'm not sure, has a chick tell him his plan is working s he got wang in korea

so wang meets jimmy and sez lo is behind their being there and wants to team up to fight the lo instead of him wasting jimmy for da necklace

the jimmy dont consent and then we see hirtless guys kung fu fighting

then theres this ninja dojo with a guy in a white suit who the ninja serve as a humsan couh and meets a japanese seeming guy to tam up against the heros

then a shower scene with soviet linda andshe gets cauught by guys

i mean a bubblebath scene

they interrogate her over the necklace and instead of icing her, spin her on a table andjimmy comes over tosave her i think

he beats on ninja in da dojo and fights a katana guywith a top knot (like a man bun but for real men)

then fights ninja in da woods and chasses a guy but its filmed real bad so it looks dark and grainy

then they fight on a bridge and clib the wires like that level in nightmare circus on sega with the spinning thing

then back to da woodz as i think theirs land mines as the ground keeps popping

da ninja use sneak atttacks unlike the cheesy naruto  ninja but he powers through it like hes saint seiya and wastes em all

meanwhile, linda is tied up and being undressed like that curvy chick in shutendoji and a guy seems to be almost b0ning her

meanwhile, the jimmy is fighting the katana guy i think and a mini boss comes in to make it harder

eventually jimmy gets a sword and eventually takes em out

so he gets to da rooom where linda was and shes not there

then we get a shower senee and we t-ts

this chhick goes to see a guy who sez they are manipulating the italianos and lo and the wang

is thhat the lisa?

is this where tommy wiseau got the room from?

then this gguy and chick b0ne

then i think the lo gets capped

then wang is in a suit and thanks these guys for doing well and sez linda is in the warehouse and thells em to get the necklace

then jjimmy fights more guys in i think a warehouse and gets the linda but gets beat down in slo mo

wang calls lo and sez he got it bit lo caps 1  of his guys for some reason

so wang jenny ands soymo come bback and the cops arrest him in the wacking of lo and lisa

the end

wtf did i jjust watch?

its like the room but makes less sense and logic

most of it is just fight scenes and those are cool

it just sems to end after an hour and a half andkinda abrupt

long bad love scenes andbad filming make it hard to tell who's what

i keot track by reasding the closed captions and the cheesy dubbing was hard to follow at times

i assume lisa was working with that guy and faked getting iced but i';m not 100% on this

but overall, i kinda enjoyed it

its a good action film amd has good moves and fights and chpreography and such

yeah the plot is bad but i assume thats partly on the translation

its entertaining and gos by fast and has good flow

glad i saw this

its pretty good

like the korean room

and i dont mean miami connection, which is also good, but has better music and story than this

for ninja city 2 i want him to be on trial and he makes a case that he deserves to be freed as he's a good fighter and his skill make him worth more than the scumocide in jail. so to prove this, he's put into a kung fu tournament with others making that plea to see who is the best. also its a 16 bit tournament fighter like power instinct on sega genesis, gba, snes, tg16 and atari jaguar where you play as 1 of 8 fighters each with a weird trait like a muscle chick, a fat chick, a sm guy, a cllown fetish guy, someone with big meaty feet and a furry and they battle in best outta 1 3 or 5 rounds to get to the judge as  the final boss who's super kng fu powered and dresses like benito mussolini but with SM themes.

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

The Avenging Conscience Review

note; i spell bad but ww1 good

the avenging conscience

this is my review on the avenging conscience from the distant furure year of 1914 (When the devient king attacked the honorable kaiser and suckered his good cousin nicky into it)

its directed the the icredible D W Griffith who broke ground in cinema but was left behind by those advancing his innovations

like NES and Master System outdoing Atari

its also called Thou Shalt Not Kill and stars Henry B. Walthall from Birth of a Nation, Blanche Sweet from Judith of Bethulia, Spottiswoode Aitken from Intolerance and The Wicked Darling, Mae Marsh from all 3 of the above, George Siegmann from The Man Who Laughs, Ralph Lewis from the 24  Dante's Inferno, Robert Harron also from the 1st 3 i mentioned, George Beranger from Broken Blossoms and Wallace Reid from BOAN/Intolerance

Its based on the edgar allen poe books the tell tale heart and annabelle lee wgicch i only read heartmo

its one of the earlier horror films and i never saw it b4

so it starts with a fam andthis uncle who loves his nrephew from birth

later nephew is playing with a dog and  uncle  hugs him

wtf they kiss on the lips

mayybe theey're just european?

so newphew greows up into a man and uncle still has  the sane hairdo after 20 years but now its white

and nephew has a  girl hes into played by blanche

he reads the tell tale heart and thy look at each otthers  pictures as they didn't have skype back tthen

nephew wants to go out but uncle wants him to work but he goes anyway annd blamche saves this dog from planrs it got its monky butt stuck in

they meet in an outside and smooch bt unlce sees em

how faraway are they if he can see em from da fronty step?!

uncle confronts nephew later as uncle did so much for ephew and nephew owes him

then blamche comes by and ucle points at her t-ts and says shes after his boy like a common woman

is that 1800s for b0ning?

she leaves and nepjew goes out to comfort her but goes back for his hat and goes with her but uncle follows

so they go to a party and bump into lewis who's just leaving and break up for th uncle

a grocery boy hits on a maid who toys with him a bbit b4 they go off to make oyt or hold hands or b0ne

then there's a chick in an ancient looking dress dancing as a romany guy has smoke by him

is that the maid?

so blanche and nephew say bye and its kinda sad as you can feel their souls

uncle is there and malcontent over all the couples bt sees 1 with a baby and his anger lifts

but blamche is bummed and, hay, she's pretty thicc when she turns around

so she prays to The Lord and uncle returns home and seems to pray and repent as he crys

so nephew comes home and an italiano is there looking like hes gonna work on the garden

he and blanche go out in the wind and dont meet but seem connected

nephew then sees a spider eating a bug but its done with several webs

also ants eating a rat or something alive

blanche gets changed offscreen (which we'd see her in undies if made today)

nephew thinks uncle is in the way of him beinng with blanche and gives him a letter from jameson (price from mon coolle knights?) saying if uncle comes by, he'd pay back all the cash owed to uncle

uncle goes out and nephew isnt far behind and stops by acar shop as uncle goes ther and returns home and falls asleep i a chaire

nephew comes in and gets out/plays wittha gun and almoist caps uncle

buut thenhears a dog and puts it to uncles head

italiano and a dame are loud andmaking out outside and he pulls out

uncle wakes up and nephew bugs him for cash so he can go off and they escalate to a fight like they're frenchies or something

he strangles as the italiabo watches from the window and smokes

nephew has a smoke as i guess icing a guy is like b0ning

as that ww1 guy sed; the cannons, like phallllis's, impregnate the earth! war is like making love!

so italino is at da door and nephew puts a coat on his unclee and italiano manhandles him and wants cash for silence from nephews inheritance

itanliano goes and nephew hides uncle in a ifrplace wall and bricks it up

he then asks the townsfolke where his uncle is and they said they last saw him go over to the guy who owed him

but a uncle  homie is suspect

so he pays the italnaio and later uncles homie introduces him to the lewis guy from b4 who nortices the fireplace seeming queer

later blacnhe comes by and the uncles ghost haunts his thoughts as seen with the semi clear uncle gagging and holding his throat

i assume this is symbolic and prepresents whats goig  on in his soul

so she gets creeped out by his acting off and books it and nephew gors to bed after a smoke

but uncle haunts him so he goes to a sanitorium for an offscreen stay

when he gets backk he fears lewis  is a dective so he hires the italiano to guard his place

he has an underground tunnel to escape in and gives italnaio a whiste to warn him

but wont running prove hes guilty?

so blanche thinks hes just going nuts but he goes loopyer and hides in hay and stumbles around and runs home

he sees Jesus and the commandment THOU SHALT NOT KILL and repents while  seeing Him on The Cross

the lewis has men in waiting to get a confession outta him and comes in to ask some questions like a scream eing heard when uncle went

the lewis's men see the italiani being lazy and greedy and i think this movie got its ethnicities mized up for this guy

1 lewis man finds the trap door and naiils it shut like the eyes of a torture victim in one of my demented ideas

lewis taps his pecnil and its like a heartbeat and the clock does it too

this eats away at nephew and he has a vision of daemons or oni or something

oh and witches and skeletons

imagine never seeing a movie b4 and walking in to see this and you get that h-ll vision of that

you'd be f;d out!

then he sees himself wacking his uncle and spazzes out and books it

he uses his whistle to summon th e italianoes and gets a shotgun (is that the cabin from birth of a nation?) and picks people off

 wait, the whistle didnt summon itslianos it was the lewis detectives men coming

he trys to pry out the trap door and its jack sh-t

he finds he's outta ammo and uses his whistle to summon his italnaio but he dont wanna come

blacnhe finds out what happened and he nearly eats his gun but the lewis and crew get to da cabin and start breaking it down

he nearly strings himself up but blanche  gets there and they cut him down in time

wait, i think he's in h-ll and blanche joins him by jumping off a cliff

but wait, da hole thing was a dream!

a big a55 what if non canon story

its like the final destination but nothing happens

uncle is alive and despite it being a dream, he is surprized uncle is ok

now yeah today thats  cliche

but back when we had civil war survivors it wasnt

he's happy to see his uncle and they rejoice

blacnhe is happy too despite having no idea of anything in here she wakes up cheerful and goes to see them

uncle sez sorry and they reunite happy and ok with each other

just like its a wonderfful life and the christmas charol movie

later they are outside and the cloids are over the trees behind them for some reason

kinda like in grade school this girl drew a sunsetting in front of a mountain

then a thing of the Greek god Pan playing in the woods on his pipe and kids looking like tingle from zelda coming otu of a tree as various mammels come out

then them saying a poem of loving annabelle (the blanche) who i thinnk eek the cat ripped the name off of

the end

that was pretty good

nice twists

good double ending

its like 80 mins and dont feel like it

good acting and message

good showing that when you do a crime or sin, it harms those connected to you

dark but not too dark

pretty bada55 and for the 1910s it was pretty intense

the guys from Birth of a Nation have done it again!

for the avenging conscience 2 i want the nephew  to be about to be married but he has visions of alternate futures where he goes nuts and chops everyone up. turns out; he has a  psychic power to see possible outcomes to situations. he also uses this to help people prevent those futures. its allso an 8 bit platform game on nes, master  syatem, atari 7800, gameboy, game gear, tg16 and atari lynx where you play as nephew and do whatever you want and chop people up with an axe but when you wanna, you can do the level mission and continue. but you can get  goodies from taking out certain guys.

Sunday, August 2, 2020

Big Fish Review

note i spell exaggerated but based on real cr-p

big fish

this is my review on big fish from the distant future year of 2003(when apolacypse zero appened kinda)

its by tim burton who is often great and based on a book i nevef read

it star ewan mcgregor, albert finney, billy crudup, jessica lange, helena bonham carter (his butt buddy) missi pyle (sounds like a p0rn0 name), steve buschiemi, danny devito, deep roy and miley cyrus b4 she devolved into a 5kank

i saw a few mins of the end of this years ago but thats about it

it starts with a thn of a guy narrating how there was a big a55 fish that evaded capture or decades and he wanted to catch it

and the day his son was born was whenhe caught it by using his ggold ring

its revealed hes telling the story over many years to different people and hisson is tired of it

so he caught it and it was full of eggs and let it go and compares it to getting his wife as he offered her a wedding ring

son tells dad it never happened and gets p-ssed at him for telling it over and over for years and stopped talking to him for years but kept in cntact with the mom
they didn't  get along as they were too different and son narrates how he cant tell fact from fake and he's just gonna tell it as is

then we see ewan mcgragor catch da fish, wrestle it, it spits out da ring and he lets it go


then we go back to his mom pooping hm out and then son gets a call from mom saying his dad dont got long

so he goes over in a plane and seeing a shadow hand thing brings back a memory of his dad telling him a story of a witch in a swamp with 5 guys

many towns havea witch to eat bad ids and dogs (sounds good to me) and they wanna get her magic glass eye

kid dad goes in and holy cr-p is this sleepy hollow? the chick looks dimilat

he asks to she them her eyeand she shows em and they see how they bite it in it

kid dad asks to see as it could helpand she shows him but not the audience

so son gets to the rents home and the dr treating dad sees sons woman is pregnant with a son

he goes to see his dad and is ttold having a kid changes everything

son sez the witch was just a geezer and dad sez he saw how he ends and this aint it

son wants to know the true story of all the cr-p he was told and gets a flashback to his childhood being sick

then we see young dad growing huge and being in bed for years b4 reading goldfish grow with more space and he decides to have a big life

after some forrest gumping of being a sports star in a montage and a breakfast machine that was probably bought by pee wee, he saves people from a fire and became da twn hero  T HERO Big Man

then this big guy was come to town and f'd thinggs so dad goes to see him

he finds this huge wildma/sasquatch giant and knowing this aiint how he bites it, he offers to be eaten

giant dont wanna eat him but is just hungry so dad gets him to go to the city with him as the town is too small for them

is this a thng on broly from dbz?

so after getting da key to the city, the town sends him off and da witch tells him da biggest fish in da river gets big by never getting caught

he goes down an unpaved allegedly haunted road and gives da giant hid pack as collateral to show hes not ditching him

so he goes thrpugh this pale blue light road like barman returns anndfinds a bright sunny town where they weren't expecting him yet

hes in the town of spectre and they hang out and this little girl throws his shoes on a line and he spends the night and chats with a poet

he sees a chick in the water and swims to her but shes a mermaid and escapes and a girl sez she looks different to different people

the  8 year old hits on him and sez when hes 48 she'd be 38 so its not so different

weird how  r kelly dates 16 year olds when hes in his 40s and people wanna string him up

but hugh heffner dates 18 year lds in his 80s and is loved

so after dancing and partying, he decides to leave and even if he has no shoes he'd do it and tough out da pain

the people dont want him to go and he'd not find a better place but he sez he'dd reutn when hes meant to

in the woods he's attacked by trees but thry dont b00ne him cuz its not the evil dead

realizing this isnt how he bites it, they stop and he ccomes out and reunites with el gianto

back in the present, son and fam are ating dinner and when dad mentions going to the congo, son sez his wide went to the congo last year

i wouldnt

its full of vilence and raepe

so at night he tells a story of telling people threy were gonna bite it as he had a viion or something and wait, its a joke where the mom was cheeting on the husband with the milkm man

so back in flashback, its a circus with danny devito like batman returns and dumbo as he's like 4 '10 and has a good voice and shows the giant in thsi show who is how shaved and eats fire

wait, its not the hero giant, its just another guy

so even mckeller brings in his giant and everyone is sh-tting their pants at how big hsi a55 is

then evenmchaolro dad sees the chick he likea and we get a time freeze thing like in yugioh zexal and he goes through it and time zooms to catch up

so fire giant skips town and danny devitohas him sign a contract (heh heh, tract)(settle down beavis!) and 

dad tells danny boy he saw the girl and danny se dad was a big fish in a small pond and in this non hicktown he's iin the ocean

dad wont be stopped and they agree to have dad work for danny for free (slavery!!) and every month he ddoes so, danny tells him something about her

after months of unpaid work, he goes to see danny about the gril as  he dnt know her name or location and the internent wasnt invented yet

but a wolf attacks him and this clown (cuz tim burton has a clown fetish but not the sexy clowns that look hot) caps dad when he got in the way

then he plays fatch woth da dog and later its revealed that danny is the dog and a werewolf

having earned galvatrons respect, danny tells evey mckailon where girl is and her name

he goes there and admits his love but she sez shes engaged too a boy from his toen whos older than her

he dont care and stalks her with messages in public  placees saying he loves her

he wins her over with flowers (her fave the midget told him of) and bf comes by and beats on him as he said to her he wouldnt hhurt him

woman dunps bf and he goes off to bite it on the toilet from a heart issue from the increased physical activity and its just like he saw in the witches eye

so after 3 weeks in hospital, the postmen finally found where he was as circis isnt an address and he gets sent to soviet korea for 3 years

so to get back sooner, he took dangerous missionsto hope to get f'd up and sent back

in 1 mission there's Asian Twisns in some kinda club singing about needing twice the man

is this a p0rn0??

so ewen uses night vision goggles and turns out the lights to beat up 2 kung fu guys and the chicks come back and i think they ars siamese twins and he wins them over wth his love an life story

he works with them to get all 3 out of there to america but the army thought he bit it and told his woman

she begins cutting herself and crying tears of blood and listening to my chemical romance

jk she was glad when he returned

doesnt this mean he went awol?

thats a court martialable offence

at night son's woman asks why son never told  her this long fantastical story and eh sez cuz it never happened!

also dad was out and not with him most of his chldhood an he suspected there was a secon family like that guy in doogie howser

also dad never told him any truths

what did he tell yo of the moon landing and j fk and global warming??

later when watching tv he seez a buick add and son and his woman know it

it hit a tree, got coated with sap, flies stuck to it and it flew

flying car? weird false stories? no way of knowing its true?

is this tommy wiseau?!

so son tells dad that with icebregs yo only see 10% and the rest is underwater like how he knows little of dad

son gets b--chy over how he belived all the stories and when he saw it couldnt happen scientiffically, he gave up on it

is this a thing on athiesm?  cuz science needs to catch up to the bible

son storms out and cleans the sh-t outta the pool and sees a big thing in it

laer hes going through his dads cr-p and finds he did go missing during da war and was thought iced

as he was officially iced, he  got work as a traveling salesman and later finds the poet from spector and he devolved into steve buschemi like machauly culkin

also hes a bannk robber and sucks ewen mecgoinger into his heist

but it turns out da bacnk is outta cash and they drive off and he tells him of the market jewing things so stee gets into wall street and gives ewen mcgreggor a 10 000$ career advisor fee that he buys his woman a  house with

back in the present, dad and wife have a touching moment in the bathtub fully clothed

so he goes to see this chick and asks if she was b0ning his da on the side and she sez no

she tells da story of how dad hit a storm anndd wound up underwater aandhe sees a mermaid

then his car is in a tree and hes back in spector withch was f;d by the banks

so dad biys the town amd cr-p in it so the people could live free under him and to keep the town safe

but he goes to this 1 little girl who's not in her 20s dont consent and she was 18 and liked a 28 ae guy buut it didn't work

he accidentally busts her home but stays there and fixers it up to a new good home

oh and he gets his circuus homies to come live there

she tries to kiss hiim but he dont consent as hes married and she gives him the rights to her land

its implied she became the witch who had the glass eye but that dont make sence as the ages dont add up

but the chick sez there's only 2 women, his wife and everyone elsw

what is this? the dog years comment explaiming how the dog in family guy is 7 but has a 13 year old son?

maybe it was some kinda time thing like Robotech III The Odyssey or how the same guy who did Harambe also did J FK?

so son comes back and finds dad had a brain thing and is in the hospital

mom has a tender moment and its touching abd the dr sezson had a good birth but he prefers he catfish story

so dad cant talk right and wants him to telll how he bites it with what he saw n the witch eye

but dad never told son the story for some reason

so son tells a story of him and dad escaping in a whee;chair and drives him to da river and everyone is already there despite him driving like a fast and furious thing

all those in his life is there sorta like dbgt with the ending showing everyone in the credits and goku saying goodbye to his homies

then he carrys dad in da water and he devoolves into acatfishand swims off

his i sorta remember

then he bites in in the hospital and at the funeral all these crazyy weird people from his story's are there meaning the stories were true

btw, devito looks like einstein with dat hair ands moustache

later son has a faM OF his own and tells stoey's abouthis dad to his kid and says the stroys of a man live on after him, making him in a way immortal

the end

wow, that was good

meaningful, deep, touching and sad but beautiful

i hear this movie was the last sopalding gray saw b4 he killed himself

i har he was nuts or something andthe emotion of this might have been too much

but i liked this

its not the usual offbeat fun tim burton like batman or beetlejuice

its sorta like barefoot gen but not as dark

maybe highway to heaven where its got a soft but strong theme and heart

i liked this andd its kinda emotional but creative and has a fairy tale quality

for big fish 2 i want it to be the 2020s and the son's son is grown up and in a cyyber city with high tech and low class in a cyberpunk workd and finds magic is real. seeing that the stoey;s of these werd characters of his grandpa were true, he goes to findd the grandpa's friends descendents to fight the union bank which was aall the other banks merging to dominate and oppress the slummer in its cyber city and they find they have powers when united.its also a 16 bit action rpg on sega genesis, atari jaguar,snes, gba and tg16 where you play as the magix with mystiik powers and the union bank is using cyberized people its enslaved to try to take you down.