Saturday, August 22, 2020

Sabretooth Review

Note: My spelling fits this movie


This is my revbiew on Sabre|Tooth from 2002(The year sh-t happeneed in Apocalypse Zero and Robotech)

it stars Keith David I meann David Keith, John Rhyts Davies and the voice of Fievel from An American Tail

Its directed by James D.R. Hickox (which sounds like a p0rn0 name) who did Children of the Corn III: CORN IN MY A55!!

I saw this years ago on AMC where they cut the swearing and gore

but now i'm watching it on youtube

so it starts with a science company where a  janitorr (That sounds like a He Man guy) gets chopped up by an unseen mondster

oh wow, i won der what it could be?! a monkey??

then the title and then we're in the woods andthis ggroup of not ugly 30 year old teens is screwin around

1 guy breaks boards with kung fu and his black guy friend wants to try

a black guy in a horror movie? this will end well for him

black guy wants to b0ne the chicks and 1 is inexperienced and brings junk food that skilled blonde throws out cuz its gonna attract bears

i thought the degrassi guys attracted bears? and i dont mean the animal!!

meanwhile, this guy drives a thing with a chained up cargo and gets gas

so the skilled blonde is ready to start and the dink off the group comes by late and they are gonna be jr guides who lead poor kids on camping trinps in 2 weeeks

dink wants to ask where the sh-tter is but can''t get it out so the kung fu guy tells him the world is his toilet out here

isnt this soviet california?!

manwhile, driver wants some coffee and this working guy there is too inbred to talk so his brother does the mouth stuff

i guess california si pretty accepting of non tradtitional coouples so inbreeding has become common by whenever this takes place

so dink se his mom made him do this or she'd beat his candy a55 and he grows closer to the new blonde and he's too cr-ppy at not computer stuff to manage

so is he the virgin in this?

maybe not butt virgin!!

no uncle tommy! not in the back door!!

so later driver is driving at night, and falls aslweep at the whoeel an crashes and the cargo got out

it cuts through his metal car like butter (which makes it seem like some kinda daeemon)and f;s him dead

later, man ray and this blonde are in a cabin and talking of a smilodon that grows fast and was cloned and now they can use this to clone organs and help people

the road to h e double new york is paved with good intentions

so gilmi wants to use this to become president despite being an elgnishman and you need to be a REAL american to be prez

althuough that didnt stop president houssein

and he's got this nerd chick whos a pro at  ancient cr-p to track it down

meanwhile, its also night(is this the same day?!) and the 30 year old teens are at the campground by a campfirte

meanwhile, this white striaght opposite family adult human non relative cuple is b0ning in a cabin and the chcik (aother blonde) hears somethign and gors out

her butt buddy goes out waring onluy a hat and t shirt and looks for her and she gets eaten by the sabertoth

the hat he wears on his d0ng dalls off (as i guess he went limp after seing the monster) and it eats him(and his freshly used man parts)

so john ryhsy finds out the thing got out and he needs to keep it on the down low so he cant get a tam up here so he calls in a bada55 to takke it down

they tell him its an african lion and pay him a lot of rice crispie treats to keep it quiet and to catch it alive

later its day and black guy is screwin around by the side of a cliff and falls off when he hears the cat snarl

they bring him back and dink is nervous about holding the girls hips to khelp pull em up

so team discovery channel gets to the place and starts tracking the john rhys is b--chy about carrying 120lbs of sh-t

meanehile the team teens are walking and i just realised if they had an asian they'd be the power rangers

discovery channel team finds the cabin the couple was b0ning in and se the thing is 150lbs

to quote mu black friends; my a55

this things a freekin ligwe!!

so bada55 sez to call da cops but seiencte chick throws the phone away and finds the chopped upblonde who she leaves to die

she sez the phone fell out on da trail and they say "give us earth 24 hours to catch it and then we call da cops"

he agrees to this and they go on

then its soviet night and the teens drink liquer and hear sounds they say are cats b0ning

like a mountain lion and bobcat



You know what could go wrong? AIDS!!

so the teens play truth otr dare and ned admits he was arrested shopliftuing

1 guy aks new blonde if she ever b0ned a chick and she sez "no, id yoou??"

what are you? vasquez from aliens?!

so kung fu goes for a walk with new blonde and elsewhere nerd chick wants to tell bada55 about the sabertooth but it pickes her off

bada55 gors after em and meanwhile, kung fu and new blnde sit on a coat on da grass and chat

new blondes mom made her go as she was with a bad croud. they were probably using swear words ad smoking chronic

he tellls her of a chick he liked and she takes off her shirt(but still has a bra)and they run through th bright night

later elsewhere, bada55 returns daying he lost the monster but found whats left of the nerd chick

what a useful character

ceo chick sez the nerd chick is iced so they can't do sh-t so it dont matter what happens

meanwhile, new blonde puts her top on and sees the sabretooth and runs but runs into kung fu who jokingly roars and she freaks out

but for some reason, the monster is gone and they return to cmp and he thinks she saw a mountain lion and spazzed

the next day the bada55 se to ceohes gonna ice the cat and at th teens campnew blonde tells blonde about what she saw and blonde se thats not possible

also they see the pawprint in their camp (but only 1 and no others and its in a weird place) and they decide to go home

kung fu and new blonde and the rest dont wanna go home so they keep going despite a freekin sasquatch cat is out there

also bblack guy thinks by teeth she ment kung fu's weener

so they are going on and find a cave and dink dont wanna go in as he fears the ebola from bat sh-t

black guy makes a torch outta a convienently places stick and cloths and burning fluid

meanehilw kung fu and new blonde go off to get a look at the miles of trees and rocks they were trugding through

in da cave, blonde and black guy see indian marking and a cougar comes in and they scare it off with a torch

after climbing up rockks, looking at the area, and nothing else, the kung fu and new blonde come down

later its night and corporate team finds the campers trails and bada55 wants to follow the kids

the adult teens and camping at night and dink talks to black guy and have a good bond as dink goes off too take a big steamy dump in the woods

b4 he empty's the a55 he hars something, spazzes out and runs in the darkwoods, trimps, his glasses fall, when he puts em on, the monkey gets him

everyone on both grups hears it and they prepare for the attack

how far away did he go into da woods to sh-t?!

ust go a few feet and plop!

so then its daylight and they split up to find the dink

blonde and black guy find his toilet paper and new blonde with kung fu thinks dink is iced

blonde and black guy meet bada55 and sez he found whats left of dink

and cuz they were in the cougar cave they got cat stink on em so the gator can track em

meanwhile, manray and ceo are chatting and how she dont wanna harm the animal as is life matters

then reveals the other victims its had

he wants to ice it and wipe the evidence but she seduces him by saying it would put them too far behind in cometitipon to do so

meanwhile, kung fu and new blonde see the monster and run up a rocky power rangers like path

the smilodon is often close ups of anamatronic and full body shots of bad 00s cg

so the monsterbites new blondes head and carrys her off to devour

he goes back and tells what happpened and they wanna get out

bada55 sez theres an abandoned mine a while away and goes off to fight it as the teens run off to da mine

bada55 is gonna siper it but the rich duo trys to tranq it and it runs

they bicker about whos right and the thing attacks and gimli gets caught in his own beartrap and gets his eye's f'd out by its teeth

if its mouth can fit a huamn head in it, how  does it pop his eyes with da teeth?

ceo and bada55 escapr but realise they left tehir guns behind and go back

you otta carry a samurai sword

they can cut through 3-5 humans in 1 slice

so they find the rpped clothes and a bit of meat of jon ryhs davis and get a rifle and still have tranw cr-p

then the cat comes by the mine and black guy fights it wth knifes

the one black guy sacrifices himself to save the white virgin couple?!

tat's never been done b4!!

so it wacks him as he never went for its eys orr neck and the white virgins go in da miena d try to escape

but the radical rex bubsy atttacks and they crawl out a hole in da eearths a55, well the blonde does as kung fu is stuck inside

th corpotrte guys come by and ceo chic sez she throught she was doing something great with regret and blonde calls for help

bada55 gives the chick a gun and goes in with a kinfe and loooks to the top of the hole

he could have j fk'd the monster right now if he had his gun but instead he uses a needle full of drugs on the tigur

but he's too beefy so blonde goes in and spear chucks it in the hand

it blacks out and i think jurassic world 2 ripped this off as he sneaks past a druggged ancient monster

they reunite outsode the thing and run as bada55 is gonna finish it off

its comming out but when he tries to cap it, his gun is empty as chick toook the ammo

after running a bit, blonde and kung fu go back as ceo goes on

bada55 escapes but is caught in a bear trap and limps out using his rifle as a cruth

he reunites with the teens and has kung fu make spears outta trees

as the cat was drugged, why not kill it with a rock? or cut its leg so it cant chase you?

so they reunite wih the ceo chick and are stuck on a cliff with no way off

he slugs her out for leaving him to bite it and when he's gonna ice the cat, she pulls a gun on it as she thinks an aninmal is equal to or greater than a human

spoiler; we have souls!!

kung fu does a green ranger jump apin kick and takes out her gun but hgets capped and the liger zero schneider comes by

ceo tells it to go as way of trying to save it but it sends her to h e double england

eats her guts as she calls for help

just like in the thing from another world

so bada55 tries sticking it with a spear from above(GO FOR ITS EYS) BUT IT SNAPS IT

f, caps lock was on

it jumps him but he hoold a spear B4 IT JUMPED and i gets stuck on it, flipped over and bites it

the he throws the spear and they tend to the kung fu and she smooches him on the mouth with consent and they leave the area

holy cr-p, the inbred guy was the director

the end

that was pretty good

decent horro, good build up, not much happens but it keeps interest

set decorator; aaron dick. sounds like a p0rn0 name

puppeteers; john crawford. like the chick from mommie dearest??

but overall i liked it

its not the gratest, but its a decent film thats worth a look

simple, easy to follow, fun, not too bad

good lighting too. theres actual clor and light instead of being dark and dingey

for sabretooth 2 i want it to be a few years later and there are sightings in the park of smilodons. turns out, while it was out, the sabretooth bred with native cats and created croosbred monsters that are super strong and able. the bada55 from the 1st movie is back and is gonna take em out to save humanity. its also a 16 but run n gun game on sega genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar and tg16 where you play as him and go around taking out these mutants and some have devolved new powers and have ki blasts and esp to lift rocks around.

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