Wednesday, August 12, 2020

City Ninja Review

 Note: Spewlling right brings great dishonor to ninja clan! Ippon!!

city ninja

this is my review on city ninja from... h-ll if i know

i never saw this b4 but its on chch at 2 am cuz they air public domain movies on then

theres no info on wikipeodea for this but it seems 70s or 80s and from soviet asia

so in hong kong in 1940 this guy fights ninja and even though they have katana, he holds em off unarmed

he gives it to lo bao whto protect it until after the war (assuming they dont lose) and lo escapes and later fights em off with a staff and they vanaish

i was not aware imperial japan sent ninja in the war

then the title and an anime style opening of martial arts fights against ninja

a duckduckgo search shows its on youtube and is from 1985

then its hong kong 1985 and this guy named wang lee (the x star cousin of robert e lee) is at a club and having fun

so lo runs clubs now and wants wang to be his new club leader

then some guys come by wanting to see lo adtheres a fight

turns out its lo's homies and they go in

btw i think this lo is a different lo as he's david lo

he's in underhanded dealings to make the clubs work and taking chicks out like the qween in soviet england did to chuckies other chix

then there's a fight in a gym between not bolo uyeung and a normal guy who gets his a55 kicked but makes a comeback and wins by spitting blood in the guys face

this guy named park (like lincon park?) se boxing is cr-p and offeres hum high pay work  to get this necklace back

then he trains and we get a sweaty work out montage

wait, its wang who this happened to

and his woman is lisa like in robotech and the room

also his brother is named soy as i guess he has no parts

soy wants to be wangs cheerleeder and fly around aisa to help him in fights

wow we're like 20 mins in

that went fast and so much happened

then a shower scene of this chick soapin up

then lisa trys to seduce lo but hes too tired to b0ne her

later wang is in the shower and we see hi a55 and lisa comes in and he slips on a towel to hide his footlong

they make out and he does some kinda heiimlich hold on her tummy and they stop after he feels her thigh

was that a love scene?

i dont know about korean moviee standards as in bollywood they can''t have violence or nude scenes so they just break into gay songs and daemon dances when thingds are about to get good

imagine a go nagai live action bollywood thing

so at this club, park gets beat down and iced and lo b--ches to his homie about park getting fd and he needs the necklace that was split between 2 gangs

so they decide to get the wang on it

later parks sister linda hires jimmy (like bimmy and jimmy from double dragon?) to avenge park and they are in love

so jimmy meets parks boss to work for him to avenge park by beating up a gang that has part of the necklace

like the gold thing in aladdin? split in 2 halfs?

so jimmy beats the guys up and its pretty bada55

after wackking the shaved head gang, we see a mud wrestling thing and an eyepatch guy watching it gets his a55 kicked

later ang is going to south east asia for a kumite and linda offers him cash but he dont need it

then some gaijin abduct loto get the necklace back as his dad had it

after beating his a55 wang comes in and kicks their a55es

they say lo has a 1 month to get it back or he's j fk'd

so lo tells wang the necklace has a code number from a swiss bank account and he needs wang to waste the guys for the necklace

oh and the ninja got it back from his dad

wang dont consent to being a hitman and goes to be in a boxing match

but 1st he makes out with lisa and wants to b0ne but she sez they aint married and dont consent

so  later  wang and soy are training and lisa comes by and wang b0nes heer for a while

we dont see her nips or buttcrack or crotches

later, jimmy and linda chat and boss suspects jimmy wwho wants to marry linda but he needs cash 1st

then he fights some guys who poop out of nowhere

after kicking them into da water, they go to a club and slow dance

then jimmy and linda b0ne, i think

yeah they b0nin

i think its in a darkroom as its only got red light

so jimmy then takes out a sniper and fights him on the roof

20 years too late for j fk and 120 years too late for lincon

wtf does jimmyys white pants have a hole in the a55?

so like that boss in the tick on sega, immy kicks him off the roof

then jimmy meets with lo and asks for 200 000 $ for the item and lo se he owns linda and sez no

jimmy leaves and lo sends goons after him

they are taking him into a car but he fights his way out

do the spinning bird kick!

wtf i look away for 40 seconds and he's in a car and kets punches out as it gos off a cliff

later wang and lisa are onn a boat and shes pregnant wiith his illegitimate kid

some guys come on her boat and were following them for a while and hwang fight them

they gte heldd up at spear point so they jumpo in the water and soyboy saves em in a speedo beat

i mean boat

theyres a chase and the baddz give up

later lisa sez she dont lve mr lo and drives off

they were b0ning too??

what a 5kank!!

later wang wants to go to possibly soviet thailand and wants this chick jenny (like the bat chick from bloody roar?) to come with him

then lisa comes by, tells wang she duumped lo andwants to go to Confederate america with him

wang dont want her so she pulls  gu on him and he struggles with heruntil it goes off and wastes her

thensome suits come in saying thy saw him ice her and they can help him if he gets them the ncklace i soviet korea

wtf is going on?!

this all came the h-ll outta nowhere

who's jenny? why was lisa b0ning lo? why don't wantgg want her anymore?

so the wang goes to th korea and 1 guy, maybe lo? i'm not sure, has a chick tell him his plan is working s he got wang in korea

so wang meets jimmy and sez lo is behind their being there and wants to team up to fight the lo instead of him wasting jimmy for da necklace

the jimmy dont consent and then we see hirtless guys kung fu fighting

then theres this ninja dojo with a guy in a white suit who the ninja serve as a humsan couh and meets a japanese seeming guy to tam up against the heros

then a shower scene with soviet linda andshe gets cauught by guys

i mean a bubblebath scene

they interrogate her over the necklace and instead of icing her, spin her on a table andjimmy comes over tosave her i think

he beats on ninja in da dojo and fights a katana guywith a top knot (like a man bun but for real men)

then fights ninja in da woods and chasses a guy but its filmed real bad so it looks dark and grainy

then they fight on a bridge and clib the wires like that level in nightmare circus on sega with the spinning thing

then back to da woodz as i think theirs land mines as the ground keeps popping

da ninja use sneak atttacks unlike the cheesy naruto  ninja but he powers through it like hes saint seiya and wastes em all

meanwhile, linda is tied up and being undressed like that curvy chick in shutendoji and a guy seems to be almost b0ning her

meanwhile, the jimmy is fighting the katana guy i think and a mini boss comes in to make it harder

eventually jimmy gets a sword and eventually takes em out

so he gets to da rooom where linda was and shes not there

then we get a shower senee and we t-ts

this chhick goes to see a guy who sez they are manipulating the italianos and lo and the wang

is thhat the lisa?

is this where tommy wiseau got the room from?

then this gguy and chick b0ne

then i think the lo gets capped

then wang is in a suit and thanks these guys for doing well and sez linda is in the warehouse and thells em to get the necklace

then jjimmy fights more guys in i think a warehouse and gets the linda but gets beat down in slo mo

wang calls lo and sez he got it bit lo caps 1  of his guys for some reason

so wang jenny ands soymo come bback and the cops arrest him in the wacking of lo and lisa

the end

wtf did i jjust watch?

its like the room but makes less sense and logic

most of it is just fight scenes and those are cool

it just sems to end after an hour and a half andkinda abrupt

long bad love scenes andbad filming make it hard to tell who's what

i keot track by reasding the closed captions and the cheesy dubbing was hard to follow at times

i assume lisa was working with that guy and faked getting iced but i';m not 100% on this

but overall, i kinda enjoyed it

its a good action film amd has good moves and fights and chpreography and such

yeah the plot is bad but i assume thats partly on the translation

its entertaining and gos by fast and has good flow

glad i saw this

its pretty good

like the korean room

and i dont mean miami connection, which is also good, but has better music and story than this

for ninja city 2 i want him to be on trial and he makes a case that he deserves to be freed as he's a good fighter and his skill make him worth more than the scumocide in jail. so to prove this, he's put into a kung fu tournament with others making that plea to see who is the best. also its a 16 bit tournament fighter like power instinct on sega genesis, gba, snes, tg16 and atari jaguar where you play as 1 of 8 fighters each with a weird trait like a muscle chick, a fat chick, a sm guy, a cllown fetish guy, someone with big meaty feet and a furry and they battle in best outta 1 3 or 5 rounds to get to the judge as  the final boss who's super kng fu powered and dresses like benito mussolini but with SM themes.

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