Tuesday, January 28, 2020

WaxWorks Review

note; i spell wax a licious
wax works
this is my review on wax works from 1924
its directed by paul leni and has emil jannings, conrat veidt and werner krauss from the good german silent films
i never saw this b4 but heard it looked cool
so it starts at a carnival or fair or w/e like in the cabinet of dr caligari and this guy goes over to answer a wanted add for a writer for the wax works place
the owner of it wants him to write storys for the wax figures
was this common back then?
shouldnt they have the story b4 making it?
so the characters are spring heeled jack, ivan the terrible and some turk i never heard of who ruled bagg dad
turks arm fell off and writer chooses to write a story of how he lost his arm
but if hes a historical figure who had 2 arms, this is all lies
its like thagt Noah movie with Russel Crowe where he fought cains relative on the arc in a deathmatch and wanted to wipe out humans
so he writes the turk was fun and hated boring cr-p and had a differenyt wife every day of the year
the hottest o e was wife to someone else i think
then the movie shows main guy and his gf as the guy and hot wife and he was playing chess each day with the vizer
the area is reallt wrird and has that good german expressionist look
so main guy bakes something and the smoke goes into the turks  room and he orders the main guy iced
i guess it meant turk was playing chess not main guy
a guy, i think the vizer trys to ice him but he dont notice and natually evades
viser has the hots for maIN guys wife (theres a commandment against that)
main guy trys to be romantic with his wife and feel her t-ts but his hands were just baking so he  messes hervonly dress
so is she giinna go around nude?
could do the austin powers thing with her bod hidden behind stuff
so viser returns and tells turk about main guys wife being sexy
so he desiced to fake being commoners to check her out
at night wife is bummed about not having anything or goinf anywhere and main guy sez he'd jack turks wishing ring
he has a wishing ring?!
is this like tthe anime aladdin movie??
so main guy goes out to steal (theres a commandment against that) and turk goes in her place and lox da door
he tells her who he is and her lack of clothes dont bug her even though shes weaRIMG a drsss and flirts with her
in the real version they were b0ning i'd assume
and as he's a monarch he dont need consent
just like soviet england in the castlevania days or w/e rob roy i mean braveheart takes place
meanwhile, main guy goes in the palace and uses a swod to lop off turks arm to get da ring
if he has a wishing ring, why not with to be invincible?
or fly?
so he runs through the weird dr seuss palace and is chased by guards til hes on the top of the thing
like a video game, he jumps to a tree and escapes
meanwhile, the turk is still with wife and shows his wishing ring and hot to use it
then trys to smooch her but main guy arrives and da door is lokked
theres no way in or out and turk hides in da oven as main guy busts in saying he iced da turk and took his ring (theres commandments against those)
then the guards come in and geet him
turn tells wife he has a ax figure in his bed when he goes out as i sguess he'd get in trouble if he breaks cerfew
but he rules this slum!
what are they gonna do? vote him out?!
wife takes the arm and uses the ring to wish back the iced turk here and he comes out of the oven
turk makes main guy his personal baker and forgives him for wacking him
back in da muserm the owner likes it and then main guy writes about ivan the terrible
he makes hi look bad and like a psycho but in real life, he was oly tough as they iced his wife and he was getting revenge
is the punisher the bad guy for wacking all those guys??
how about the crow??
so ivan and his astrologer went to da dungeon to mock their posioned victims
he had an hourglass fir showing his victims how long they will live
the 39 wizard of oz ripped thiis off!!
he wrote the name of his victim on the hour glsass b4 icing em and 1 guy, the astrologictier?, warns him to beware his poison mixer as he might starscream him
so poison master fears ivan will ice him and writes ivan on the glass
hes caught by some sasquatch guy and taken away
later, a noble comes to remind ivan to come to nobles daughtrs wedding
ivann is wary of thing but goes anyway
but decides to swatch places and he's fake being the driver in case of a hit
how does ivan know how to drive a cart?
hes the czar. i doubt they taught him how to man a  2 horse open slay
so they go there and he sez the czar bit it
oh hes got an arrow in him
but ivan reveals hes the czar and this was a trap
daugghter is bummed seeing her dad get j fk'd on her wedding day and right after they take noble out, the cart goes on its own
so the weeding is ruined and everyones bummed but ivan tells em to drink cuz ibn russia everyone is drnk all the time
thats why they bite it at 55
he orders em to have fun and while noble daughter is hugging nobles body, ivan has her brrought in
her husband complains of him jacking his woman so ivan sends him to the toeture chamber
what is tthis? the soviet union??
on her weedding knight he lets her go but she sees her husbando in the chamber getting SM cr-p doone to him and ivan tres to b0ne her
but astroman sez ivans been poisoned and he only has until the sand runs out to live
better repent
hold up
the hourglass is already going down and they found it in the poison masters things
but, czar has been out all day and now its night
and poisonmaster was iced yesterday
was this hourglass going for the last 30 hours?!
it dont look big enuff to do dat!!
logic ewrror!!
also the hourglass is 80% empty in both halfs
idea; he flips the hourglass to get more time
zangeif; qvick! change za channil!!
holy cr-p ivan actually did that!!
i was just joking!!
then he flips it back and spazzes out a bit
a title card sez he went nuts and spent the rest of his life flipping the glass
bCK in da mureseim writers gf is sleeping and writer is tired and getting a bit nuts
he starts writing of spring heeled jack but freaks out when his woman comes to him scared as they are in the carnival in a weird overlaid film thing o them and the carival ghost look thing
i assume this is a dream
so wax owner comes after em and they kiss and fade out
waxman returns and sees em gone and books it
they are back and wearing stuff and these ghost like guys beat him up
then he wakes up and his gf and him is ok
he sez he dreame of spring heeled jack and they hug
the end
that was cool
weird,off beat, creative, clever, interesting, entertaining
good set design and stories
sorta twilight zone
i liked it
i always loved thosr weird german expressionist films and this one works
good pacing and feel
good acting and effects
its got that addams family pg horror style where its creepy but not adult
like the twilight zone or nightmae b4 christmas
would've been nivce to see the real story of spring heeled jack, but I understand them cutting it as the movie is like 80 mins already
for wax works 2 i want the wax museum to do another 3 wax figures baeed on historical figures but its set in the 80s and has 20th century figures like j fk and rasputin. also it shows how bad j fk was with his drugs and lust and shows rasputin as a hero. the 3rd story is about sasquatch. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, gba snes, tg16 and atari jaguar game where you play as various characters in these abd each level is a different story with a different theme.

Saturday, January 25, 2020

The Room Review

note; my spelling fits this movie
the room
this is my review on the room by tommy wiseau from 2003
its called the best bad movie ever and i saw it in  theatres with my rents and met tommy wiseau
y rents hated it and found it weird
i loved it and when i met tommy, i sensed something good
when he high 55'd my finger it felt like a glow of light stayed on it
later he put his arm over my back for a photo and it felt like his arm was made of light
later i watched a bible show and this guy told o an encounter with angels and when he touched 1, its glow stuck to his hand
now we know little to nothing of tommy, but if he were an angel, it would explain a lot
tommy had little to no idea what he was doing when making this and the cast had a lot of issues
watch or read the disaster artist for more about that. its a good stoey
btw; this has b0ning
so it starts with really good music and tommy brins his gf lisa (like the chick from robotech) a sexy red dress
she trys it on and this creepy teen denny comein and loves lisas dress
then tommy and lisa go upstairs to bne with denny in the house
he ges up and joins in a pillow fight and sez he likes to watch em
tommy finally gets it through to him they wanna b0n and he goes to do homewok
then they b0ne to really good love music
also he b0nes her belly button
oncy i haf a dream where i was at school and blew air into pan from dbgt's belly button, then spit in it to get her pregnant
also i dream of 4 foot long centipedes in my 90s home
so after several minutes of b0ning they fall asleep (what about denny?!) and da next day, tommy gets up and we see his milky white a55
after tommy goes to work, lisas mom claudette comes in and they talk about how she dont like tommy anymore
also shes his future wife and supports her and has a good job and he loves her
they never say fiancee ever in here as i assume tommy didnyt know they use that word in america and just translated it
mom sez she otta marry tommy and leaves
then lisa calls tommys best friend mark, named after mark damon from team america, and b--ches about her mom
greg sestero, the talented actor/writer who plays him, and tommy wiseaus best friend, said he imagines marks job as a private dick but tommy never thought about any jorbs for them as on his planet they work for their queen who poops out the eggs they come from
so mark comes to lisas place and she tries to seduce him
btw this seems kinda like the greta garbo movie flesh and the devil from the silent era with a blonde 5kank comming between 2 friends
they smooch and lisa and him seem to b0ne
its hard to tell as he dont take off his shirt and its edited artsy
oop. there goes da shirt
yeah they b0nin
this goes on for a while to love music
after b0ning outside of marriage with his besr friends future wife, he feels bad and they choose to keep it a seccret
then we see tommy go into a flower shop and buy roses, but the shop chick dont recognize tommy despite no one else lo0king like him
then sez hes her fave customer
this makes sense
in bizzarro world
later denny stop by and flirt with lisa, then leave
tommy comes home with roses (which are gsay as they have thorns and give you hiv) and is bummed that his job didnt give him the promotion
he aparently works at da bank i think (maybe itsa a spurm bank) and they are using him
she gives him scotch and vodka (or maybe its apple juice) even though he dont drink
holy cr-p we're like 25 mins in
that felt like nothing
this movie has good flow
btw why do they have booze if he dont drink??
they got blow in the back too??
they gget drunk and laff and she wants to b0ne
we gonna get another bad love scene?
good music btw
its like something from an eaely pokemon movie
oh and we keep seeing lisas t-ts
later lisa is giving tommy a b day party next friday
and her mom is b--ching about some cr-p no one cares off
she menntions being srsly ill and never brings it up again
lisa sez tommy got drunk and hit her
but mom points out that tommy dont dtrink, a hole in her story's a55!!
after they leave, lia's friends come into their pplace to b0ne
but 1st they eat chocolate and try to be sexy
the music makes it seem like a comedy
later lisa and mom come by and sees em fully clothed and they leave
then denny comes by and meets mom cuz he needs sugar and flower
but leaves when he realises he cant b0ne lisa and lisa tells mom tommy was gonna adopt denny cuz he dont got rents
and when denny turned 18 he got denny an apartnment in the building and gave him a set of keys and pays for his school
then the bf comes in and gets his undies he left behind and books it
later denny is on da roof and his drug dealer Chris R (Sabat?!) comes by for his money
denny sez it'll be there in 5 mins and dealer pulls a gun on him for the money denny dont have
dealer is the best actor in here
and he's not an actor
then tommy, mark lisa and mom come up and take him down
tommy and mark take him to the cops and lisa and mom b--ch at him over him being invoolved with a dealer like him
turns out denny bought some drugs off him for cash to pay off stuff
denny gets all whiny and cries and probably wets and poops himself
then its only been 95 secornds, but tommy has brought dealer down sttairs, took him to jail, booked him, came back, went uop da stais, and is back.
ommy comforts him and lisa tells mom not to call da cops
lter its night and lisa calls marky mark and flirts with him
lisa sez she dont care and its not over and she wants him but mark sez not to call back
later tommy is on da room whining about how he didnt hit lisa and sees mark and chats with him about women and love
this is like robotech but werid
mark knew a chick who knew a dozen guys but 1 found out and beat her crippled
tommy laffs
take dat 5kank!!
also; this is calsfornia so she's probably got aids and spread i around
also mark had a gf but they slipt
tommy figgers mark has a secret but wont tell him
then denny comes up and chats with tommy about going to a movie
they throw the football around and denny comes out about how hes gay for lia
is this like those guys who like teens into older chicks like goten and 18?
tommy goes on about how love is good and the world needs more love
he has no issue with other guys finding his woman hot
and he trusts denny and lisa
kinda like i dont mind guys think my plus size gf is hot
also denny has another chick he likes and wants to marry her after graduating
later lisa and the gf of the guy who b0ned in tommys place chat about lisas love life and how shes b0ning the mark
oh and lisa sez tommy hit her
its actually prety good in design and a little more fleshing out would polish it up righht
tommy had some good ideas for this
plus i hear its based on tommys dark past
tommy comes home and gf leaves after he hears gf say  "ur secrets safe with me"
lia wont tell her secret and tommy gets upset at how shes ttearing him a part
its actually kinda well done in a weird way
later in the alley the bbf comes out to tommy anout b0ning in his place and mom seeing his undies
tommy has no issue with people b0ning in his place
then denny comes by and they throw the pigskin around
then mark is there and shoves bf into the trash cans for no reason and carrys him off to feed on
later mom b--ches to lisa about how she wannts tommy to help her homie buy a house and isa sez she dont love tommy
but tommy is listening!!
then they leave after a few mins in there
tommy, seeming like johnny depp s bit, sets up a tape recorder to the phone and hides it under the table
latertimmy chats with his shrink homie peter about lisa cheeting him and they drink clear fluids
he sez confront her but tommy wants to give her a secrond chance
then mark comes in and the music is sad and he sez hes got a gf whos married and he dont wanna say who
tommy tells how he met lisa and then leesuh comes in with denny
probabbly b0ning him too
denny sez lisa needs a wedding gownd as the weediing is a 1 month away and leaves
then peeder comes  to da rooof and mark is on chronic
msybe mark was the one who bought drugs off denny
peder warns mark the drugs are gonna f his brain and mark tries to kill him by nearly throwing him off da roof after peeder figgers out it was lisa marks b0ning
he busts a few things on da roof and admits it and blames llisa for manipulating him
peeder sez to avoid leda and shes a sociopath
later they are in tuxedoes for wedding peach puctures and mark shaved his beard and everyone comments on it like its a big deal
then they play football in da alley in tuxes
later tommy meets mark for coffe and sez hes got a new client at the bank but wont say who
mark presses him for who and timmy asks "hao eez yoor secks laif"?
on the surface it looks like hes a purvo
but if you look deeper he's actuallly playeing a reversal
but its a double play as mark cant tll him and it looks like he might find out
its clever
but done is such a weird unusuall way it takes on a life of its own
then lisa invites mark over and seduces hi as he tries lightly to resist
then they b0e in tommys bed to a romance song
good callback to the 1st (of many) love scenes set in tommys bed
then in the park of soviet california, tommy and mark play football and it shows their friendship of getting along
good juxtaposition of mark betraying him, then being nice
later its gonna be party night and mark comes by to see lisa, who takes off their clothes and almost bones, but gf comes by and jokes about their relationship
mark goes and they chat about guys and how she needs more than tommy and if mark isnt enuff, she'd look for another guy
this is how aids happpens
then they pillow fight and probably b0ne but it cuts to tommy and mark running in da park
they aparently run from the park, where their cars are, to the apartment, then drive back and its night
then day, and lisa tells mom about how shes gay for mark and mom tells her to mary tommy for cash and lsa wants to be happy
mom sez she didnt wwanna marry lisas dad and gones on a bit b4 leaving
tommy walks around san fran sicko for a few hourss and when he gets back its night and they have da party
at the party tommy has what seems like booze despite not drinking and the bf/gf feed each other as i guess they got a food fetish(and not like that german cannibal)
lisa has everyone go out for fresgh air and tries to seduce and b0ne mark with everuyone outside the door
then a  guy whos supposed to be peter but hisvactor quit so they gave his lines to another guy never introduced or refered to by name, comes in, sees em and confronts em about it
tommy comes in, says a few words, then goes out.
then later tommy announces lisa is pregnant (but she had booze a few mins ago!!) and her friends say too be honest with tommy
lisa reveals to them she made up the baby but plans to get pregnant later and only cares of herself and her wants
not peter sez its gonna f up their relatiionship and friends if she ruins tommy and she dont care cuz shes the bad guy
good point about how cruelty ripples out and damages others, like stones thrown in a pond. or the quantum surge in beast wars season 2
mark asks if hes the father and she slaps him cuz shes a b--ch
one thing leads to another and tommy fights mark
later lisa is dancing close to mark and tommy confronts them
tey fight again, then a few words, then fights, then words, then fights
tommy is fed up with this world annd everybody betray him so he goes upstairs and hides in the bathroom
later i think its day as theres light in the window and mom tells lisa to fix things with him, then leaves
tommy tells off lisa for being a b--ch and lisa calls mark on da fone saying she loves mark and mark tells her to duump tommy and he wants her
tommy gets the cassette and plays it with their phone call on it as lisa packs up coldly
tommy cant take it and tells her off for betraying him after he was so nice to her
she b--ches about how he's not as good as he thinks and leaves him
tommy recalls his time with her, cant take it, snaps, and busts up the place
1 part has the picture leaning on the camera
when i 1st saw it i tjought; that looks like its on the camera, but a real movie woulsnt have that kinda mistake
also; good camera work of the mirror busting showing his reflection as it busts
good metaphor for his destruction
he rips her dress he gave her, pulls out a gun, and eats it
but its not graphic and only shows his slo mo head flying back
later mark and lisa come in and find him and feel bad foer ruinibg him
btw the whole; loved one destroys him on his b day was a thing on east of eden, by james dean
but tommy is better than dean
dean is kinda malcontent
mark finally sees lisa is bad and tells er; as far as hes concerned, she can drop off the face of the earth, thats a promise
oh and denny shows up and calls him tommy, freaks out, and tells lisa and mark to "leave us!!" while saying 'why?!"
good showing of how suicide ruins those who love us
oh and him biting it and maark being freed from lisas spell is like that garbo movie
then sirens ring as the cops come for some reason
the end
that was quite the movie
its not really a "movie" movie
its an experience
its like going to toon tow in roger rabbbit as everything has its own rules
tommys not like other guys. He's more than a man. You know how most guys get up, and go downstairs, and eat breakfast? Tommy ain't like that. He IS Breakfast!!
if you ignore the plot holes and bad acting, its actually a well idead movie
sorta like john steinbeck or tennessee williams with its dark ending and characcter relations
but its full of quotes and odd scenes that make it beyond that
the music is really honestly good and it being in here is sorta like the Cheetah Men song to some
its entertaining, has good camera, light, color and music, and has a good idea for a film
sort of a weird throwback to  50s cinema based on plays
i can see why he tried to get it nominated fo an oscar
its like an oscar film, but a bit unusual
it has good flow and pacing and isnt boring or awful
yeah tommy has a weird, shatner/walken style of acting, but it works
plus the other aactors tried and did the best they could with the dialogue choices
its a weird trip but its got heart and soul
i liked this and tommy is a great guy
he and weird al are the only normal guys in california, as they never had any weird scandles
in the original script, tommy wanted to add a flying car and have  him be a vampire
sounds right
For The Room 2 I want Denny to use the black magic he was studying in college to try to revive tommy. But he comes back as a vampire and feeds on Denny until he's al shrivelled up like a deflated balloon. He's still alive and understands Tommy needs blood and spends the rst of the movie all shrivelled up looking like chewed gum. Also Tommy goes out at night taking out people who he sees as doing evil like drug dealers and gang members. Evetually re finds Lisa with Mark as her secks slave chained up in her bedroom and force fed steroids to be big and buff like He Man or Hulk Hogan for Lisa' fetishes. And Tomy has to take Lisa down by beating through roided up Greg and free her from her enslavement by using his vampire powers. Its also a Gamecube, Xbox, PS2 and Dreamcast game where you play as Tommy and go around fighting crime and drinking from guys but sometimes eating their left hands as punishment for their crimes.

Monday, January 20, 2020

Sleepy Hollow Review

Note: My spelling isnt as inaccurate to the true words as this movie is to the original story
sleepy hollow
this is my revuew on sleepy hollow from 1999(the year the dreamcasrt came out in america and the SDF-1 landed on Macross Island)
its got johnny depp, chrisatnia riccci, michael gogh, casper van dien, the emperor from star wars, chrisstopher lee, martin landau, the bad guy in ferris bueler and chrisatipher walken
its by tim burton and was made FTER he almost did superman 05 with nicholas cage
so it starts with a guy sending a letter and loses his head
then its soviet new york in the distant future year of 1799(the slavery days) and depp wants to examine a body found in the river
but his superiors dont like his modern day meth...ods
his boss christopher lee dont like his maverick ways and sends him to sleepy hollow to look into murders by head loss
depp is ichabod crane and is nothing like him in da book
btw; washington irving wrote this and came up with the name Gotham for new york
and tim burton did batman
its connected!!
so depp gets there and i gotta say; theres like no real color
its got a blue tint but its got that light look to it that 90s films have
its not dark and dingy like the later harry potter films
its got life
depp goes to a place and the guy hes looking for's daughter kartina kisses him and her bf brom dont like it
depp goes over the evidence with dad and i think mr rooney from ferris bueler and its revealed the headless horseman took their heads to h-ll
when alive, the horseman was sent from german princes to fight for soviet england in 1776 but was  a nut played by walken who sharpened his teeth to fangs and went there to chop people up for fun
in 79 he fought soldiers and chopped up em but they took his head wiith his own blade and 20 years later; the woods are haunted
depp thinks its just a real man and not a phantom and is gonna prove it
dat night horseman takes aother head
huh, ichabod crane was a real guy washington irving knew who fought against the brits in 1812
put this on the history channel
nah they are more into kkings of pain and ancient aliens now
in other words; dale gribble from king of the hill
depp figures heads are removed to stop them from IDing the bod but everyone knows who it is
he figures out how the attack went and uses a powder on the neck to fizz and say it was taken in 1 hit
also the blade burned the neck closed but there was no burn damage
h-llfire sword
later the last vic's son wants to help depp avenge his dad but depp dont consent
a guy tells depp there eas anoth guy iced and theres 5 vics 4 graves
depp and vic son  dig up the graves and depp autopsy's one and finds she was pregnant
back in the 1700s we knew the unbon were people
now the commies would say that kid in her wasnt
oh and i saw this b4 but nnot all in 1 start to finish look and its in fullscreen wiht no black bars
then its night and the horseman busts a flaming jack o lantern into depps head and runs off
but its just brom playing a prank
while ko'ed he dreams of his mom in a low cut dress and its like a silent film
later depp chats with katrina "kat" liek in casper and all the fams are connected by blood or marriage
she gives him a book on the spirits (which is not good as you DONT wanna f wiith the supernatural! you wouldn't give an ape a nuke. some things are not meant for man!!) and it was her moms
they walk by her old place and see a bird that egts depp to use this spinny trick otem with a bird on 1 side and a cage on the other to spin it like both images are 1
later depp chats with fata55 who told of the unborn kid and he sez he was worried for the kid when mom told him something but wont tell the babys daddy
then horseman comes in, offs his head, it rolls to depps crotch, horseman sticks it with the blade, and books it
this is aweosme!!
depp now believes and the rest are like; yeah. we told you
then depp recalls his mom floating in air as its like winona rider in edward scissorhands and then depps dad punishes her for using black magic
so depp decides to fight the horseman and chats with vis con about how son heard a dad and boy arguing or something
i wasnt paying attentipn
they find a lair like in a 20s movie and a chick in there who takes depp and sends son out
she chains herself up and mixes potions with headless bat blood and the other her takes over with eyes falling otu and tencalce tounge
also shes a rotted hag
its pretty f'd up and sorta like wiith large marge in pee wees big adventure
after she bits it or w/e (bw the chains and other self was pretty yugioh) depp goes out and finds katrina who he sez uses white magic like naga from slayers
vis co finds this big f'd tree that bleeds when chopped snd is full of heads
its a gate between the realms like in dante's inferno or urotsukidoji
also theres the horsemans bones minus da head there
then horseman poops outta the trees a55 and goes off as depp follows
he gooes to somewoes place and the guys kid hides under da floor as horseman ices the rents, b4 wacking the kid too
this movie is bada55
even the kids get it
brom fights horseman but horseman isnt inro him
depp and brom team up like goku and piccolo but he sneak attackds and shanks dep and throws him with the blade
then cleaves brom in 2 like in freddy vs jason
afer katrina treats depp with her witchcraft, he has a flashback of finding his mom in the iron maiden (bill/ted: excellent) gushing blood
once i saw this on the fench channel and it said G for age rating
argentina rated it 13, japan was 12, spain rated it 13 (like the yugioh movie) and candy a55 france rated it 13
he tells kTRINA his deal and he gave up on the supernatural after his dad iced his mom for practicing the black arts and she's over brom her bf now
so depp decides to look through everyone in sleepy hollow stating with katrinas dad
then rrealizes siomething and goes to see michael gogh who's afraid of something
then they find this fams fortune was gonna go to the unborn kid and the eklers of the town were plotting to do cr-p
now the elders got iced
he reasons it was katrinas dad behind it all to get the guys fortune and jacked the horsemans skull to get it to ice everyone
depp checks with katrina who sez her dad thinks he otta go home and depp freaks out over a spider
vic son checls under da bed and finds an inscription under it meaning someone was casting spells on depp
is this paranormal activity?!
then depp gpoes out and sees a guy b0nig a girl as she cuts her hand and smears blood on him
katrina burtns depps books to protect her dad and she's mad at him fotr something
later the b0ning girl, katrinas step mom, tells depp to not tell her husband
later katrinas dad tells depp to get out b4 everyone turns on him or w/e
latewr the horseman comes and everyone hides in da church as its holy and hes from h e double new york
thr townsfolk use muskets on him but they didnt bless em and they do jack sh-t(jack left town)
katrinas dad spazzes out and caps mr rooney and das horseman throws a spike on a rope to harpoon him and dag him out like a whaler, b4 taking his head
so i think katrina bit it and depp found his faith thinking shes posessed or w/e and behind the horseman and burns her book of spells
so depp leaves tow but chex thr spirit book and finds the spell under his bed was to protect against spirits and goes back
he finds 1 body isnt who he thought it was and step mom was still alive and captures katrina and uses black magic on walkens skull to summon the horseman
she b--ces about being hated for her fam using black magic (GOOD! daenon worshipper!!) and she was a kid who saw walken iced 20 years ago and offred her soul in exchange for bringing back the horseman for her revenge
shr iced katrinas mom, seduced her dad, and wormed her way into into power to get her way, then iced her sister who told depp of the cr-p in the large marge scene
she gets all the family cash when katrina bites it and this was all just about mmoney and revenge by a witchcrafter
depp gets to her base, a windmill, and they lock the horseman out(oh and boy vic son is there)  and they escape the windmill as it blows with the horseman in it
horseman walks off the withmill blowing and looks kinda like batman andv depp and friends book it in a cart  as horseman chases
depp caps horseman but he clings to the cart and falls off, gets dragged and climbs on b4 fighting him
depp unlinks the hprses as cart crashes and is ddrahged by wyld stallions!!!
they get to da tree and stepmom is there and caps depp b4 catching katrina by da hair
depp survives and tackles stepmom and fight her as boy headsmashes her with wood
depp saves katrina by giving him back his head which regrows skin into walken who picks up stepmom and drags her to h-ll through the tree as she splatters like going in a lawnmower
btw her talking to the other world to have a bad guy come back for her was done in dbz with goku, buu and uub
so its a new century and depp, katrina and boy go to soviet new york for more adventures
the end
that was good
good music, feels, acting, style and art
it works and has good charm and gore but not too awful
its bada55 and cool and fun but has good 90s creep
yeah its not like the real story but its not awful
its like a weird remake instaed of a direct adaptation
like sailor moon the anime vs the manga
there's not much swearing outside of H and D words in a literal context
and the witch is the bad guy, which would have her as a victim or hero if made today
i liked it
for sleepy hollow 2 i want ichabod to invensigate slaves mutating into slug like creatures and it turns out the owner is using them for rituals to create the ultimate life form. its also an 8 bit platform game on gameboy, nes, master system, game gear, atari lynx and 7800 and tg16

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Mulan Review

Note: I spell like a hun
This is my review on Mulan from 1998 (The year the Sega Dreamcast came out on JapAN)
Its based on a true story but disney toned it down to a g rated animation
it stars ming-na from street fighter, eddie murphy from the golden child, BD (Super Mario) Wong from Law and order svu, june foray from nearly a century of cartoons, Miguel Ferrer from robocop 01, harvy fiersyein from mrs doubtfire, lomg duck dong from 16 candles, james hong from waynes world, sulu from star wars, mr miyagi from the karate kid and frank welker as the animakls from transformers
i saw this as a 90s kid and liked it
back when disney did new things instead of endless sequels and reboots
like the 2020 live action mulan
so it starts in the great wall and thr huns are attacking
the guard gives the signal b4 being skinned alive and force fed it and china knows they're there
the emperor knows a single man can make a difference in winning
is that a pro life message?
meanwhile, mulan is gonna meet a matchmaker like in fiddler on the roof, which had harvey feirstein in a play, and she's wrote cheat signs on her arm for the test
cant they just sense her ki and match it to the right guy?
grandma june foray walks into traffic eyes closed with a cricket to test for luck
everyone crashes but she's unharmed
is that a rissian roulette ref?
so they clean her up (including being bathes and fully nude offscreen) and sing about bringing honor
also they give her the lucky crisket
i hate crickets as they blast those chirps like a homie going through town at night with rap deafening him in his car.
but its bad luck to harm a chicket
matchmaker looks her over and sez shes too thin
didn't know they liked fat chix then
so mulan f's up her tst and the nasty hag judging her sez she never bring her fam honor
at her farm home she sins a bummer song that kinda 90s and her dad comforts her
then the emperors men come by with the draft to ay 1 man from each family must serve
mulan 2: mulan in nam!!
mulans da, who's crippled, agrees to sign up but mulan sez for him to not
james hong advisor to emperor, tells off dad for raising mulan bad and dad sez she dishonors him
at dinner she tries to reason with him but he wont hear it
after some tears in the rain, she jacks her dads armopr and raft card, cuts her hair, jackds his horse, and books it
dad wakes up and finds out but cant out her as they'd ice her for it
thats kinda f'd up
and they say dont ask dont tell was bad
so mulans ancestors ghosts have their demoted guardian mushu, played by soviet new york black guy eddie murphy (a total match for ancient china) to get the best guardian to help mulan
mushu tries to awaken the great stone dragon and it crumbles into dust.
well, it WAS made in china!!
he fakes being the dragon and they dot get that its his voice or that the real mushu never returns, and mushu teams with chirinkt to save mulan and regain his lost status
meanwhile, the head hun catches 2 scouts and tells em to tell the emperor the wall challenges his strength and to send chinas best warriors
this guy seems like kaiba
then he has a sniper pick off t messenger as you only need 1
they sure made the mongolian guy look like a daemon. black eyes with yellow pupils, gray skin, claws, fangs, ect.
its like 300 where the bad guys looked like lord of the ruings monsters
so mushu meets mulan and gives her advise on being a man
1 guy she neets is a 1 eyed midget played by harvey, a raspy voiced jewish sounding guy.
totally a match for ancient china
the captain, played by bd wong,  is put in charge of training by his dad, a high rank guy
he comes out to see everyone fighting and they blame mulan
after some fun, mushu givbes mulam the name ping and she tries and s-cked at faking being a dude
imma dude, he;s a dude, shes a dude, and we're all dudes here!
the next day mushu feeds her (fetish!!) and she goes to training
i gotta say, the characters have character
they aint just archtypes or cut outs
they have good feels and personalities and stand out in looks, voice, acts and style
so captain trains em in a montage and has em get an arror from the top of a pole while carrying 2 wrights on cloth straps
bbtw, captain is pretty bada55
also; lots of tooth loss in here
guys gettin teeth busted out
imagine of they got bones removed?
instand r rating
but tooth loss is g rated
so in the montage, mulan f' out and is toold to go home
but uses the weights on cooth to act as a rope to wrap around each other and the pole and climb it
then they all improve
btw; if her dad can hardly walk, i doubt they are gonna send him into battle. even the spartans didnt do that!
also, if she was told to go home cuz she cant do it i doubt her limp dad can do better. he was in no danger.
oh and its donny osmond singing as captain
later mlan is bathing nude in a lake at night and the guys from trainign  jump in
they joke around as she tries to avoid them seeing her and realising she dont got a ding d0ng
also; harvey's guy is standing nude on a rock for all to see his parts
its all offscreen but is fun
mushu gets her out by biting a guys butt
this would be pg13 now as saying butt too many tomes gets a pg rating
i recalled mushu saying 'I have just been violated" after biting the butt but i think i;m thinking of another movie
so advisor thinks the trsainees aint rready and captain got his job cuz of his dad(like trudeau?!)
mushu has crisket write a note saying the generel dad needs em and mushu rides a panda while in a suit of armor puppet
how did a cricket learn to write?!
is it a yokai?!
on the wayy there, her friends talk about what kinda girkl they'd like
they all have thheir own feels and styles and stand out great
sorta like robotech how all the guys in dana sterlings unit had their own look, feel and personality, despite wearing the same uniform
b4 the song ends they wander into h-ll
well, its a destroyed village where the huns iced everyone, even captains dad and men
sorta like robotech how scott bernard went to that base only to find its busted
theres no bodies but mulan finds a little girls doll, implying they iced and probaly b0ned her dead
holy cr-p we're like over half way in
that whizzed by!
they mpve on and mushu accidentally launches a rocket that gives away their postition and a rain of arrows on fireblows the rocket cart and smnipers captain
they use rockets and take out hun snipers but then the swarm of army huns charges at em
this is a snowy monntisn and the cricket has no issue
what is this?! 2012 where they had elephants hanging from choppers in the mountains?!
so mulan getss the last rocket and nails a snow thing uo high and the avalanche takes out the huns
hun leader slices mulan and runs but gets caught in the snow
her gang survive under a rock as mulan saves captain with an arrow on a rope tied to her horse carrying her and a grown a55 man
they celebrate mulan saving then but she's got a slive wound from the sword and blacks out
mulan's gonna get a bada55 scar from that
scars are cool
btw, theres a lot of violence and blood for a G rated movie
video games get an e10 or T eating for having blood
even if its just a skater falling on the ground
btw; why didn't the sword cut through her armor but cut her?
after fixing her they find out shes a chick and advser wants her executed
thats racist against women
but captain spares her in repayment for ssaving him
spoiler; in the real story, i hear she lived in dishonor for this and was hated by everyone
but disney cant have a bummer ending
disney's the man who laughs: they get healed by a mermaid mage and live in america and have kids
so mulan is bummed out alone in the frozen mountains with mushi and crikikt aboyt it falling apart
mushu comes out about not being a real guardian and a buncha huns bust outta their frozen graves as zombies with gray skin, black eyes with yellow  colored parts, fangs and claws
mulan goes to the emperors city where theres a celebration and tells captain but he dont buy it as she lied about her being a man
just checked wikiepedoea and it claims mulan was fiction and suicided
then again; it says oj isnt a murderer, global warming is real, creationism is fake, and j fk was iced by 1 guy.
so i gotta question it
btw; where's all the black chinese?! is this movie racist?!
so captain gives the emperor the sword of the head hun but his pet bird reclaums it by GRABBIT IT BY THE BLADE in a flyby
shouldnt that cut off his feet toes?!
so head hun captures the emperor annd locks china out
but mulan has her homies crossdress to get close to the hun guards and bust en
violence! gore! nude scenes!
naked minerva mink!!
so after trying to ask emperor to bow to him, hun is gonna ice him, but mulans dudes save him
mulan cuts the escape rope and is locked in there with hun leader
mulan reveals shes the one who iced all his dcdes and he chases her while tearing apart buildings with his bare hands?!
is this place made of paper or is he the hulk?!
btw, isnt she still wounded?
i mean she lost a lot of blood and got sliced open
her guts probably came out a bit!!
thats pretty bada5 to fight all chopped up
like riki-oh or kenshiro
maybe jojo... from primeval!!
btw, mulan warned captain that the huns are "inside the city" despite her just arriving and having had a head start AND was on horse(they were on foot)
so manny logic errors
so he busts through the roof but mulan takes his sword with a fan and pins him to the roof with it
then mushu busts him with a rocker into the chinese fireworks place and he's burns apart
he can bust through wood buildings but his coat pinned to the roof by a sword stops him?
the emperor sez mulans crimes and that se saved them "all".
from what?! 1 guy?! they literally have hundreds of people right there.
unless they all convert to him, they can take him.
i dont care if he's hulk hogan! even if he kills most of em, he's gonna tire out and one can get a lucky hit!
emperor offerws her a job but she wants to go home and he gives her the bad guys sword and a medal and goes home
emperor pilaf tells captain to go after her as "u dont meet a girl like dat every dynasty"
dat 90s
so she reunites with her dad and both r happy
then captain comes by and mushu is made gardian again, while cricket gets his last job
then positive 90s music to credits
the end
that was good 90s fun
good action, fluid animation, good art, good voices and music
its got a good story and flow and just feels nice
wtf it was rated 12 in hungary
and soviet england had to cut it to get a g rating
cuz headbutts are against the law in that candya55 commie country
but i loved it and its back when movies and tv were cool
for mulan 2 i want the hun leader to have survived being cooked in chinese fireworks and be skinless but his nerves are dead so he feekls no pain. he sneaks back in the palace and wastes the emperor, takes over the city, and sends word for his people to come in and take over. the people go with it and serve him as their leader is iced and they fear fighting back. but mulan and captain start a resistance to have strikes in key places to take down his rule. also its a 16 bit srpg like shining force on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba, and atari jaguar where you play as mulan and friends and do missions to get new items and experience points to level up and face the hun leader, who is now 9 feet tall and super buff from his glsnds being damaged in the blast and he kkept growing. Oh and the cricket is revealed to be a yokai or w/e chinese cryptids are and can transform into a human sized bugman with ki shots

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Little Lord Fauntleroy Review

note; i spell bad but that makes it more fun
little lord fauntleroy
this is my review on little lord fauntleroy from 1936
i never saw this b4 but its public domain
ooh, david o selznik did it
it stars Freddie Bartholomew from david copperfield and captains courageous and dolores barrymore who was drews ancestor
its directed by john cromwell who Anna and the King of Siam and Caged
its based on a book by Frances Hodgson Burnett who alsio did the secret garden
so its soviet new york brooklyn in the 1880s and this guy just bit it and his wife and kid try to manage
kid trys to be like robin hood and his mom as marion
is he gonna b0ne his mom?
so he gets an 1800s big wheel bike and goes around the hood talking to neighbors
a gang of kids bash him for his brit accent as his dad was a brit
they beat him up and his homie dick comes by and helps unbtil ann irish cip stop it
dick is a show shine boy and after kid chats with a guy named hobbs, this lady brings him home
this lawyer named havisham like that nasty old hag from great expectations is gonna take kid away as some lord ordered it
oh i think da lord is kids grandpa who hates mom
holy cr-p, dick is mickey rooney
kid sez bye to his droogs in soviet new york and later has dinner with havisham and sez if he were rich he'd want a pony
he wants to help people in need and havisham gives him 5 poubds to give to this chick with 6 kids
he sez bye to dick and gives him his email to send letters and dick gives him a handketchief
once in the 90s i had a hanker chiff and it turned green from overuse
then he gves hobbs an item that moves him
its actyually kinda nice
so he goes to soviet england and lives in a place on the way to the castlre but mom isn't gonna continue on as grandpa lord hates her
what did she do? sh-t in his cornflakes?!
she tells kid she's gonna live from him and he is bummed
at da castle with grandpa, grandpa is b--chy cuz hes gotr the gout
thats like aids in the slavery days
also he asks havisahm about kids looks and hates america cuz hes a commie britmo
havisham sez mom don't want grandpa to let on he hates her and is keeping em apart
da next day kid comes to da castle and is ffriendly to grandad
so later kid sez he'is gonna getta job and granndpa sez to work in the house of lords
later he meets a church dirctor or something who sez this fam needs mercy when they cant pay
kid sez to show mercy and grandpa allows this
later kid gets a pony and is happy
hes like jerrys relative from poland in seinfeld
later , kid goes to see mom and granda drices off in a cart
later, kid and grandppa goes to church aand they get a private balccony seat
nowadays they'd censor this
later grandpa and kid meet the cguy tthey showed mercy and he';s surprized grandpa and kid are so nice to him
later kid writes to his droogs about how cool grandad is and droogs tthink grandad is up to somethinge
later grandad shows kid at a party to his himies
after da party havisham tells grandad that kid is not the real Little Lord Fauntleroy and the real one is in some house
also this other chick sez grandads son married her but ditched her after she pooped out a kid
she has a birth curtificate and its a real thing, not al electromic copy like the alleged prez used to fake being from hawaii
grandad is bummed as this kid is rhe only good thing in his life
i'm kinda confused by this revalation and i'm not sure if its one of grandads other kids who was the father, or if kids dad was a maury guest
so grandora meets the new grandson sand hes a little jacka55
also i think hes a bit mentally ret-rded
the alleged mom is a j=rkoff too
wtf the baby daddy was namrd beavis
grandad sez he'd provide for her but dont wanna see them while alive
see you in h-ll!!
so grandad knows this kid will s-ck at his title but the law wont help him
why not just have em wacked?
worked for daiana with the queen
its not like the law applies to higer class brits in england
so gtandad meets kids mom and sez how great her kid is and how he boosted his life and now its all f'd
and now he dont hate her after seeing his other dauughter in law
meanwhuile, in soviet new york, dick recognizes the new kid and mom as relatives scamming and somehow gets to england
he and grandad and others confront the j-rkoff chick and out her with dicks brother ben who'ss the real father
i got mixed up b4
hobbs is there fir some reason and is lighter on monarchs adter meeting 1
so the mom gets to live in the castle with kid and grandpa
the end
that was pretty nice
mild, light, peaceful, warm, soft and positive
a good clean 30s film
wholesome and calm and with good heart
they don't amke em like this anymore
except maybe the peanuts movie
foe Little Lord Fauntleroy 2 i want him to be a teen and have to choose a wife to carry on the family legacy. also its a dating simulator on snes, gba, sega genesis, tg16 and atari jaguar where you play as the kid now teen and choose between several girls to marry.

Friday, January 10, 2020

Assassins Creed Review

Note: my finger hurts so imma spell bsad
assassins creed
this is my review on assassins creed from 2016
i never played the games or saw this b4
but i saw on electric playground thsat they made Napoleon brittish
its like making l bj a viet kong
well.. he was left wing...
so it stars michael fassbender, talia ffrom the dark knight rises, jeremy irons, the weird eye irishman from harry potter, and nno one else i know
it starts with text about knights or something and its the castlevania days in spain
they fight to dio something about free wilkl, which would make them bad guys in todays media, and they speak mexican or something with subs and they are assassins
imagine an assassins creed game where they take out j fk
thenn we see a guy trying to be tony hawk on a bike
at home his dad sez they found e and kid runs likw bhes got brain damage
then its the diatant future year of 2016, a year after back to the future 02, and kid is a man in jail
a priest chats with him and then he gets da needle for icing a guy]
his life flashes over his eyes but then hes in a white room like all modern sci fi cr-p
this chick sez they faked his icing and he tries to escape but chick sez she's gonna help him and hes in a rehab center
so they put items on him and link himm into the matrix like neo or w/e and sennd his mind back in time to control his ancester with a dna match
yeah but would'nt that dna be really watered down?
its been centuries
unless he's super inbred
in spain in the castlevania days, these guys find this prince hiding in a farm and are gonna black male the leader to let the knights rule
then main guy controls his past self in some kinda vr thing and wacks a buncha guys
wiont this f the timeline?
so he horseback car chases the captured prince and jiinja jumps and fights onto it
after wacking the guys, he gets prince out and hangs from a cliff as the dumba55 horses run off
btw i hear people say this movie s-cked and the movie f'd out aand cost the company more than it made
after pulling him outta the thing, we hear a speech saying man is bad and needs peace
ron jeremy irons wants this apple item and chick sez they need to get main guys trust
don't you own him?!
oh chick is is daughter
and he sez shes smarter than him cuz girls are better than boys in movies always
i blame feminist writers
this is what gives people gender issues
oh and chick is gonna cure violence somehow
later ron jeremy talks with a chick who wants to pull his funding and he wants to use science to cure free will
but, God gave us free will
its not mans place to take it
is like a co worker saying you aint allowed to use the same locker room as him
and main guuy is needed as hes like the last of his bloodline or w/e
so chick meets main guy and helps him with his brain damage from the time thing
he's seening things... runnin through his head
she reveals she's kept tabs on him for years and say his dna makes him violent and his ancestor was an assassin
btw, from what i heard, the knights in this movie were malcontents in real life and were rowdy and dangerous and eventually the king or w/e had enough of their damage and took em down
also the guy main guy iced was a p-mp
dolemite! noooooooo!!!
also main guys dad iced his mom
she's searching for the apple of eden which caused mans disoberivence and she blames for violence
like blaming video games for kids killing people?
also; abel was a good guy and cain was the one who iced him
and she wants to cure violence like a disease
man we're like 40 mins in
that felt like nothing
also; not much happpened
later he's in this jail thing and chats with guys
1 is a voodoo poisoner who was dead 200 years and sez to protect the apple or they go to infinity
at least its not beyond
btw, like most modern movies, it has little color and seems cold and sterile
there's no life here
also hes seeing the assassin outside the machine
ron jaermey wants main guy back in the machine and cchick sez he needs more time
then we see main guy fighting assassin
is that his ghost?
then he fights and is caugght by gaurds and put back in the machine
chick sez to pull him out if he starts f ing out and he sings badly about being nuts
back in the castlevania days, main guy is chained up and the guuy next to him sez the princes dad has the apple and might surrender it
so main guy and some dink are gonna be burrned at the stake for helping the enemy
he stomps out of his shackels by banging it on a knife in the wood and somehow gets free and fights and gets away
its like watching a less funny jackie chan movie
so he jumps off a high place and they unlink him as he's spazzing out
they put him in a cross thing and dip him in p-ss and he can't move
chick sez they f'd his brian but he got through it
later chick gives him his moms necklace or w/e she jacked from the crime scene and sez assassins and knights were warring for centuries
after recovering, ron jeremy irons meets main guy and voodoo is toold by chick that hhe wont be going back in as he showed her what she needs
ron jeremy shows main guy some vegetables who went in the machine and got f;d and shows him the assassin blade main guys dad used to ice his mom
chick is lightly p-ssed ron jemeriy manipulated main guy to wanna go in the machine so his brain dont f out
main guy chats with a fata55 about how his mom knew his blood was part of the asasasins credd and he iced her (oh its his dad) to save her or stop the bad guuys or w/e
the ron jeremy guys are gonna use the apple to get the genetic code for free will and tak over da world or w.e
and main guy is gonna do it to spite the ccreed
btw; that genetic code for free will thing makdes no sense
what are they goona do? kill everyone and make a new human race without the genes??
so after a history lesson on the word assassin, main guy goes in the machine
btw each time he goes in we see a fird flying
its like lord of the rings
so at a meeting between the princes dad and the knights,  main guy busts in and wastes everyyone
a knight ggets his gf hostage for the apple but she sez "for da creed" and gets iced
she aint gonna be in assassins creed 2-9
he wastes the restt of the guys and escapes through tunnles outside
the knights guys are outside and he jumps off a bridge and theres some spazzy camera effects like hee's flying and he lands in water
the arm holding him in the machine busts and past main guy gives the apple to christopher columbus (who modern malcontents hate(but they hate eveyryone)) and he takes the apple to america
huh, this was rated 15+ in societ c=south korea and 16 + in soviet netherlands
candya a55es
so main guy gets loose while still in hitman mode and f;s things
why not just cap him?
dont they have guns?!
his mom i think appears too him and sez he was never alone and the prisoners in thee have a prison break and f things up
she goes on a wordy momnologue about the assassins motto and how everything is ok to do (even b0ning the dead?!!?)
so ther rebellion is quelled but the main guy, voodoo guy, and other dinks get armed and fight back
why was there bows and arrows and katana'slaying around?!
isnt this 2016?!
also; does jecking in to the machine to do the past stuff let you control it? or are you just looking through their eyes?
main guy punches a heavy glass thing with hsi bare hand and climbs on the top of a dome and sees the chopper with the bad guys gettign away
btw, if the apple of eden is real, then doesnt that make this a creationist movie??
so ron jeremy irons gets the apple from columbus's grave and chick is disgruntled he used her to help remove free will
but being brittihs she has little emotion as they dont go9t souls
so ron jeremy irons gibbes a speech bout how he's gonna wipe out free will (is he a commie?!) and main guy meets chick
how'd he get there?!
he telle her not everyone deserves to live (which soounds like commie talk) and goe sin and assassinates ron jeremy
so chick goes outside and the cops come to investigate the murder and camera moves to main guy and his ddroogs on a roof like batman as the lord of the rings bird goes by
the end
that wasnt so bad
i never did any of the games so i don't know how canon this is, but it wasnt awfful
the fight scenes were good and the effects were ok
the story dont eally add up but it isnt game breaking
i thought it was sorta entertaining and the tthemes of free will vs communism worked
its not awful
they'll probably put it on the history channel at some point
i just realised that the main guy's mind was overwritten with the assassins from the castlevania days and he's pretty much where deleted programms go
thats f'd
for assassins creed 2 i want it to be the 2020s and the knights have made bio soldiers with people equipped with gtech under their control to handle the assassins. also; main assassin is getting used to the modern era with many comedic scenes of fish outta water comedy like him seeing p0rno for the 1st time and constantlly having b0ners from seeing moddern day chicks dressed like 5kanks cuz their fave female singer wore that skimpy outfit. its a 16 bit ninja gaiiden like  gamme on sega genesis, snes. atari jaguar, gba and tg16 where you fight against the  bio warriors and big mechs like battletech but chaned enough to not be copyrighted.