Friday, January 10, 2020

Assassins Creed Review

Note: my finger hurts so imma spell bsad
assassins creed
this is my review on assassins creed from 2016
i never played the games or saw this b4
but i saw on electric playground thsat they made Napoleon brittish
its like making l bj a viet kong
well.. he was left wing...
so it stars michael fassbender, talia ffrom the dark knight rises, jeremy irons, the weird eye irishman from harry potter, and nno one else i know
it starts with text about knights or something and its the castlevania days in spain
they fight to dio something about free wilkl, which would make them bad guys in todays media, and they speak mexican or something with subs and they are assassins
imagine an assassins creed game where they take out j fk
thenn we see a guy trying to be tony hawk on a bike
at home his dad sez they found e and kid runs likw bhes got brain damage
then its the diatant future year of 2016, a year after back to the future 02, and kid is a man in jail
a priest chats with him and then he gets da needle for icing a guy]
his life flashes over his eyes but then hes in a white room like all modern sci fi cr-p
this chick sez they faked his icing and he tries to escape but chick sez she's gonna help him and hes in a rehab center
so they put items on him and link himm into the matrix like neo or w/e and sennd his mind back in time to control his ancester with a dna match
yeah but would'nt that dna be really watered down?
its been centuries
unless he's super inbred
in spain in the castlevania days, these guys find this prince hiding in a farm and are gonna black male the leader to let the knights rule
then main guy controls his past self in some kinda vr thing and wacks a buncha guys
wiont this f the timeline?
so he horseback car chases the captured prince and jiinja jumps and fights onto it
after wacking the guys, he gets prince out and hangs from a cliff as the dumba55 horses run off
btw i hear people say this movie s-cked and the movie f'd out aand cost the company more than it made
after pulling him outta the thing, we hear a speech saying man is bad and needs peace
ron jeremy irons wants this apple item and chick sez they need to get main guys trust
don't you own him?!
oh chick is is daughter
and he sez shes smarter than him cuz girls are better than boys in movies always
i blame feminist writers
this is what gives people gender issues
oh and chick is gonna cure violence somehow
later ron jeremy talks with a chick who wants to pull his funding and he wants to use science to cure free will
but, God gave us free will
its not mans place to take it
is like a co worker saying you aint allowed to use the same locker room as him
and main guuy is needed as hes like the last of his bloodline or w/e
so chick meets main guy and helps him with his brain damage from the time thing
he's seening things... runnin through his head
she reveals she's kept tabs on him for years and say his dna makes him violent and his ancestor was an assassin
btw, from what i heard, the knights in this movie were malcontents in real life and were rowdy and dangerous and eventually the king or w/e had enough of their damage and took em down
also the guy main guy iced was a p-mp
dolemite! noooooooo!!!
also main guys dad iced his mom
she's searching for the apple of eden which caused mans disoberivence and she blames for violence
like blaming video games for kids killing people?
also; abel was a good guy and cain was the one who iced him
and she wants to cure violence like a disease
man we're like 40 mins in
that felt like nothing
also; not much happpened
later he's in this jail thing and chats with guys
1 is a voodoo poisoner who was dead 200 years and sez to protect the apple or they go to infinity
at least its not beyond
btw, like most modern movies, it has little color and seems cold and sterile
there's no life here
also hes seeing the assassin outside the machine
ron jaermey wants main guy back in the machine and cchick sez he needs more time
then we see main guy fighting assassin
is that his ghost?
then he fights and is caugght by gaurds and put back in the machine
chick sez to pull him out if he starts f ing out and he sings badly about being nuts
back in the castlevania days, main guy is chained up and the guuy next to him sez the princes dad has the apple and might surrender it
so main guy and some dink are gonna be burrned at the stake for helping the enemy
he stomps out of his shackels by banging it on a knife in the wood and somehow gets free and fights and gets away
its like watching a less funny jackie chan movie
so he jumps off a high place and they unlink him as he's spazzing out
they put him in a cross thing and dip him in p-ss and he can't move
chick sez they f'd his brian but he got through it
later chick gives him his moms necklace or w/e she jacked from the crime scene and sez assassins and knights were warring for centuries
after recovering, ron jeremy irons meets main guy and voodoo is toold by chick that hhe wont be going back in as he showed her what she needs
ron jeremy shows main guy some vegetables who went in the machine and got f;d and shows him the assassin blade main guys dad used to ice his mom
chick is lightly p-ssed ron jemeriy manipulated main guy to wanna go in the machine so his brain dont f out
main guy chats with a fata55 about how his mom knew his blood was part of the asasasins credd and he iced her (oh its his dad) to save her or stop the bad guuys or w/e
the ron jeremy guys are gonna use the apple to get the genetic code for free will and tak over da world or w.e
and main guy is gonna do it to spite the ccreed
btw; that genetic code for free will thing makdes no sense
what are they goona do? kill everyone and make a new human race without the genes??
so after a history lesson on the word assassin, main guy goes in the machine
btw each time he goes in we see a fird flying
its like lord of the rings
so at a meeting between the princes dad and the knights,  main guy busts in and wastes everyyone
a knight ggets his gf hostage for the apple but she sez "for da creed" and gets iced
she aint gonna be in assassins creed 2-9
he wastes the restt of the guys and escapes through tunnles outside
the knights guys are outside and he jumps off a bridge and theres some spazzy camera effects like hee's flying and he lands in water
the arm holding him in the machine busts and past main guy gives the apple to christopher columbus (who modern malcontents hate(but they hate eveyryone)) and he takes the apple to america
huh, this was rated 15+ in societ c=south korea and 16 + in soviet netherlands
candya a55es
so main guy gets loose while still in hitman mode and f;s things
why not just cap him?
dont they have guns?!
his mom i think appears too him and sez he was never alone and the prisoners in thee have a prison break and f things up
she goes on a wordy momnologue about the assassins motto and how everything is ok to do (even b0ning the dead?!!?)
so ther rebellion is quelled but the main guy, voodoo guy, and other dinks get armed and fight back
why was there bows and arrows and katana'slaying around?!
isnt this 2016?!
also; does jecking in to the machine to do the past stuff let you control it? or are you just looking through their eyes?
main guy punches a heavy glass thing with hsi bare hand and climbs on the top of a dome and sees the chopper with the bad guys gettign away
btw, if the apple of eden is real, then doesnt that make this a creationist movie??
so ron jeremy irons gets the apple from columbus's grave and chick is disgruntled he used her to help remove free will
but being brittihs she has little emotion as they dont go9t souls
so ron jeremy irons gibbes a speech bout how he's gonna wipe out free will (is he a commie?!) and main guy meets chick
how'd he get there?!
he telle her not everyone deserves to live (which soounds like commie talk) and goe sin and assassinates ron jeremy
so chick goes outside and the cops come to investigate the murder and camera moves to main guy and his ddroogs on a roof like batman as the lord of the rings bird goes by
the end
that wasnt so bad
i never did any of the games so i don't know how canon this is, but it wasnt awfful
the fight scenes were good and the effects were ok
the story dont eally add up but it isnt game breaking
i thought it was sorta entertaining and the tthemes of free will vs communism worked
its not awful
they'll probably put it on the history channel at some point
i just realised that the main guy's mind was overwritten with the assassins from the castlevania days and he's pretty much where deleted programms go
thats f'd
for assassins creed 2 i want it to be the 2020s and the knights have made bio soldiers with people equipped with gtech under their control to handle the assassins. also; main assassin is getting used to the modern era with many comedic scenes of fish outta water comedy like him seeing p0rno for the 1st time and constantlly having b0ners from seeing moddern day chicks dressed like 5kanks cuz their fave female singer wore that skimpy outfit. its a 16 bit ninja gaiiden like  gamme on sega genesis, snes. atari jaguar, gba and tg16 where you fight against the  bio warriors and big mechs like battletech but chaned enough to not be copyrighted.

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