Tuesday, January 28, 2020

WaxWorks Review

note; i spell wax a licious
wax works
this is my review on wax works from 1924
its directed by paul leni and has emil jannings, conrat veidt and werner krauss from the good german silent films
i never saw this b4 but heard it looked cool
so it starts at a carnival or fair or w/e like in the cabinet of dr caligari and this guy goes over to answer a wanted add for a writer for the wax works place
the owner of it wants him to write storys for the wax figures
was this common back then?
shouldnt they have the story b4 making it?
so the characters are spring heeled jack, ivan the terrible and some turk i never heard of who ruled bagg dad
turks arm fell off and writer chooses to write a story of how he lost his arm
but if hes a historical figure who had 2 arms, this is all lies
its like thagt Noah movie with Russel Crowe where he fought cains relative on the arc in a deathmatch and wanted to wipe out humans
so he writes the turk was fun and hated boring cr-p and had a differenyt wife every day of the year
the hottest o e was wife to someone else i think
then the movie shows main guy and his gf as the guy and hot wife and he was playing chess each day with the vizer
the area is reallt wrird and has that good german expressionist look
so main guy bakes something and the smoke goes into the turks  room and he orders the main guy iced
i guess it meant turk was playing chess not main guy
a guy, i think the vizer trys to ice him but he dont notice and natually evades
viser has the hots for maIN guys wife (theres a commandment against that)
main guy trys to be romantic with his wife and feel her t-ts but his hands were just baking so he  messes hervonly dress
so is she giinna go around nude?
could do the austin powers thing with her bod hidden behind stuff
so viser returns and tells turk about main guys wife being sexy
so he desiced to fake being commoners to check her out
at night wife is bummed about not having anything or goinf anywhere and main guy sez he'd jack turks wishing ring
he has a wishing ring?!
is this like tthe anime aladdin movie??
so main guy goes out to steal (theres a commandment against that) and turk goes in her place and lox da door
he tells her who he is and her lack of clothes dont bug her even though shes weaRIMG a drsss and flirts with her
in the real version they were b0ning i'd assume
and as he's a monarch he dont need consent
just like soviet england in the castlevania days or w/e rob roy i mean braveheart takes place
meanwhile, main guy goes in the palace and uses a swod to lop off turks arm to get da ring
if he has a wishing ring, why not with to be invincible?
or fly?
so he runs through the weird dr seuss palace and is chased by guards til hes on the top of the thing
like a video game, he jumps to a tree and escapes
meanwhile, the turk is still with wife and shows his wishing ring and hot to use it
then trys to smooch her but main guy arrives and da door is lokked
theres no way in or out and turk hides in da oven as main guy busts in saying he iced da turk and took his ring (theres commandments against those)
then the guards come in and geet him
turn tells wife he has a ax figure in his bed when he goes out as i sguess he'd get in trouble if he breaks cerfew
but he rules this slum!
what are they gonna do? vote him out?!
wife takes the arm and uses the ring to wish back the iced turk here and he comes out of the oven
turk makes main guy his personal baker and forgives him for wacking him
back in da muserm the owner likes it and then main guy writes about ivan the terrible
he makes hi look bad and like a psycho but in real life, he was oly tough as they iced his wife and he was getting revenge
is the punisher the bad guy for wacking all those guys??
how about the crow??
so ivan and his astrologer went to da dungeon to mock their posioned victims
he had an hourglass fir showing his victims how long they will live
the 39 wizard of oz ripped thiis off!!
he wrote the name of his victim on the hour glsass b4 icing em and 1 guy, the astrologictier?, warns him to beware his poison mixer as he might starscream him
so poison master fears ivan will ice him and writes ivan on the glass
hes caught by some sasquatch guy and taken away
later, a noble comes to remind ivan to come to nobles daughtrs wedding
ivann is wary of thing but goes anyway
but decides to swatch places and he's fake being the driver in case of a hit
how does ivan know how to drive a cart?
hes the czar. i doubt they taught him how to man a  2 horse open slay
so they go there and he sez the czar bit it
oh hes got an arrow in him
but ivan reveals hes the czar and this was a trap
daugghter is bummed seeing her dad get j fk'd on her wedding day and right after they take noble out, the cart goes on its own
so the weeding is ruined and everyones bummed but ivan tells em to drink cuz ibn russia everyone is drnk all the time
thats why they bite it at 55
he orders em to have fun and while noble daughter is hugging nobles body, ivan has her brrought in
her husband complains of him jacking his woman so ivan sends him to the toeture chamber
what is tthis? the soviet union??
on her weedding knight he lets her go but she sees her husbando in the chamber getting SM cr-p doone to him and ivan tres to b0ne her
but astroman sez ivans been poisoned and he only has until the sand runs out to live
better repent
hold up
the hourglass is already going down and they found it in the poison masters things
but, czar has been out all day and now its night
and poisonmaster was iced yesterday
was this hourglass going for the last 30 hours?!
it dont look big enuff to do dat!!
logic ewrror!!
also the hourglass is 80% empty in both halfs
idea; he flips the hourglass to get more time
zangeif; qvick! change za channil!!
holy cr-p ivan actually did that!!
i was just joking!!
then he flips it back and spazzes out a bit
a title card sez he went nuts and spent the rest of his life flipping the glass
bCK in da mureseim writers gf is sleeping and writer is tired and getting a bit nuts
he starts writing of spring heeled jack but freaks out when his woman comes to him scared as they are in the carnival in a weird overlaid film thing o them and the carival ghost look thing
i assume this is a dream
so wax owner comes after em and they kiss and fade out
waxman returns and sees em gone and books it
they are back and wearing stuff and these ghost like guys beat him up
then he wakes up and his gf and him is ok
he sez he dreame of spring heeled jack and they hug
the end
that was cool
weird,off beat, creative, clever, interesting, entertaining
good set design and stories
sorta twilight zone
i liked it
i always loved thosr weird german expressionist films and this one works
good pacing and feel
good acting and effects
its got that addams family pg horror style where its creepy but not adult
like the twilight zone or nightmae b4 christmas
would've been nivce to see the real story of spring heeled jack, but I understand them cutting it as the movie is like 80 mins already
for wax works 2 i want the wax museum to do another 3 wax figures baeed on historical figures but its set in the 80s and has 20th century figures like j fk and rasputin. also it shows how bad j fk was with his drugs and lust and shows rasputin as a hero. the 3rd story is about sasquatch. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, gba snes, tg16 and atari jaguar game where you play as various characters in these abd each level is a different story with a different theme.

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