Sunday, February 2, 2020

Escape From Planet Earth Review

Noge: I spell Alien stykle
escape from planet eartgh
this is my review on escape from planet earth from 2013 (the year of the Zentraedi Malcontent Uprisings in Robotech)
its got rob corddry (ew!) brendan fraisr (He's good), jessica alba (kinda mdisgruntled) shatner (not bad), Craig Robinson  (from that p0rn0, zack and cody or w/e), george lopez (ew!) jane lynch(ew!) tsteve zahn (who? oh. daddy day care)chris parnell (who?), srarah jessica parker (gross!!), sofia vergrta(no!!)  annd ricky gervais (ewwwww!)
man this cast s-cked. they're mostly commies or jacka55es.
who directed this?
cal brunker? there's nothing of him on soviet wikipedrea
oh and its by the weinsteins; the most famous degenerates since gacy
so it starts with these bule aliens (not smurfs) on some alien planet of ice where 1 f;d something up and has the animals there chase him
he gets away with a grappeling hook like batman and saves some blue babys
there r 2 bros aliens; a big dumba55 and a small nerd
how oruginal
so big blue comes back and is seen as a hero
then theres a new mission where big blue is sent to this dark planet that no one ever returns from
big blue looks like michael chiklas from fantastic 4 or the kingpin from spiderman
nerd blue don't want him to go as its cewrtain doom and nerd blue has a wiener kid
turns out dark planet is earth
the computer played by candy a55 ricky gives a history of earth bashing hhumans as its sooo original for space monsters to look down on us as inferior
so lttle blue sez hes been trying to protect big blue and  big blue is too dumb to get it and thinks its all him so nerd little blue quits and leaves him to bite it when he goes to urth
even if you hate now him you should try to keep him alive
imagine him vivisected as he's opened up like in genocyber and nerd blue is watching and laughing
btw i never saw this b4 but it seems pretty predictable
movies are all cookie cutter cr-p now
no more watership downs or land before time 1's
its all home (the cr-ppy alien movie about that alien played by the big bang theroy nerd ) and norm of the north
no one takes risks anymore
movies are dead!!
so nerd goes home and his wife sez tthey otta get along
aalsso hes got rocket boots that totally woont come in handy later as that woupld be obvious
so on da news big blue is on urrth looking for a distress signal and finds a 7 11
he thinks the waving tube man out front is a person in need of help
it gets popped and he goes mental which is kinda fun as its so dumb
then the humans attack and he fights em off but dont cause any acrual harm to em
he gets tranqed and this army guy kills da feed
so nerd calls but as he quit he gets hung up on and his wiener kid tells him to help big blue
then a sad moment of nerd talking to son but its really a dog as son went off to save his uncle
nerds wife (who is superior to him in eevery wayy as its totally never been done b4 in any other movie and not cliche) uses the rocket boots to get to the ship son is jacking and stop the launch
then for once this lopser decides to be a man and jacks the space ship to save his meathead bro
wife truys to get help but the b--chy chick working there dont losten to her as she left the place to raise her kid
so he crashlands and the scout pod self detonates
so at the base, the army takes off his suit and finds some magic new element stronger than atonic stuff
so its protoculture from robotech?
maybe the sunlight thing from plan 9 from outer space
so naerda55 goes to the 7 11 and freaks out when it sees 2 loser humans who give him a slushy
it gives him btainfreeze and da gov comes in, tranqs the loserrs and captures the nerd
btw they had live action humans in its history of earth but now we got cr-ppy cg ones
at da base they show him a 50s instrutional vid, then brainscan him to check his IQ and finds hes a genious
Army guy p;ayed by shatner puts a collor on him and wants to work with him but then put on a wig and skypes his alien gf from blue blanet and wants more protoculture
the planet is called bob (but is spelled wrong) like titan A E
so nerd is in jail and meets the other loser aliens in there who all invented the cr-p we use today that the army jacked and sold for cash.
in jail he meets hid big bro who is stull butthurt over him
on bob the wife and son check the stats and find the pod blew and only the mission control ccan blow a pod
then theres enuff protoculture to nuke the galaxy and the b--chy alien catches em but the kid escapes as ids saving the dasy is totally original
even the cr-ppy spy kics movies never did that
so at lunch big broo is a jacka555 to nerd and a food fight breaks out and theres a bit of b/w footage with 20s piano on a secruity cam like a silent fikm
in the fight, bros get the secutity key and unlocks something but shatner comes in and makes em work on the asteroid gun powered by big bloos protoculture someoone him in his suit
sgatner tested it on hauly's comet and nukes it
big bloo busts the protoculture thing and shatner takes em to a chammbr where big bloo is put in a capsule fiilling with water as he goes on a cr-ppy speech until its full and frozen solid
so nerd agrees to fix the reactor but dont thionk he should but the other aliens wanna trust the army shatner
he decides to fix it anyway and after it; sgatner sez hes not letting em out incase he needs em later
also a shape craft crushed his dad as a kid
so b--chy alien has got nerds wife and son and after hanging up, shatner sez he's gonna take ourt all aliens palnets
sounds goood
they're space daemons anyway
then nerd is frozen in a water thing like his bro
so kid has blast tape that he jacked and no one searched him for and uses it to free himself and mom
kid hides in the control center and locks the door so they think theres no one in there snd move on
thats clever
so shatner is gonna nuke bob planet and stuns the aleins who try to stop em with stun collors
he goes to nuke it but the thing nerd fixed was a trap and blows the machine and all their tech
1 big cyclops alien goes hulk on the soldiers and nerd and bro break outta the freeze tubes
big bro is not fully defrosted like mr burns at lisa's wedding and nerd has to carry him
then red hulk opticlops saves em fromaa freed alien and their friends carry broo bro
the sodliers have freeze guns as you cant have real guns in movies anymore and the aliens taker some and freeze the humans
in batman the animated series they had real guns
that was on tv in the 90s
so they get out and bro is defronsted
so b--chy alien is bringing the protoculture and shatner tells her the guys she sent f'd it
wiffe confronts her for betrraying her people and chick pens the airlock but its closed b4 anyone gets hurt
wow, no one dies. what a bad a55 film
i mean besides the guys dad as a joke
oh and shatnners character here is like anatole leonard from robotech as hes a high rannk alien hating guy bend on taking em out b4 they get him
he's even dating a space monster like in the novels
does this mean shatner's character is into creepy SM b0ning??
so the space monkeys get to a traiilor park and meet the losers who would be stoners if this were pg13
big bloo finds his ship dusguised as a big a55 trailer and they leave
but veritechs i mean jets chase em like in independrnce day 1
they get hit and nerd calls for hellp but only his wiener kid respo9nds and jacks in to the station and controls the ship from lightyears away
they evade the missiles and the pilots chasing em bite it
they were just doing their jobs and were killed
thwy probably had fams
then shatner come up in the bloo blos armor using a tractor beam on the ship
nerd and big bloo jump him and pull the wires to the ship i mean power armor and  it blows apart as they all fall
the bloo bros reconsile and are saved by the small aliens
small guys say they worked for him cuz they fellt bad about icing his dad
but now are gonna gang probe him
also they sound like the beatles (so they ARE the bad guys)
shatner comes at nerd but this candy a55 nerd space monkey slugs him out in 1 punch.
whoever wrote this must really hate humans
probably some drama club dink who does this as his way of deakling with his feelings of being beat up every day in high school by the alpha male teens who got all the girls and drove ferarri mustangs
so the space fraks get home and everyone cheers and son wants to be a mission control guy like his dad
then 72 hours later, big bro gets married to the news chick
also the waving sarm tube man is there somehow
as are the loser humans
and nerd sez if you wabbt adventure you dont need to go out cuz it can be with ur fam at home
like the blue bird from 1918
a movie made almost 100 years b4 this got ripped off by it
wanna do the man wgo laughs next??
the end
that wasnt bad
yeah i b--ched at it for being unoriginal but its not awful
iys got some color and its got some entertainment
i dont hate it and it had a few good twists
the ending had some heart aand it was sorta clean with no swearing or nude scenes or gore
but i like fist of the north star and its got that in it
its got a few good thigs to it and the anumation is pretty good
the characters all look diffeent, and its ripping off robotech
for escape from planet earth 2 i want a new alien race to take over and enslave their bob planet and the nerd and his bro escape. They realize this race is a hive mind that is controlled by the core of this planet they are from. And the only way to beat em is to use the planet buster to take em out. So they gotta get help from the ary guy they beat in the last one. Also its a 16 bit toejam and earl sstyle gamme on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar where youplay as either bro, the army guy and his 2nd in command homie and go across these areas to find the pieces of the planet buster and once together, it takes out the alien planet.

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