Monday, February 24, 2020

Zulu Review

Notte: I spell historical. Bad historucal
This is my review of Zulu from the diatant furure year of 1964
its directed by the commie Cy Endfield who dids De Sade about that french degenerate and stars michael caine from Austin Powers GoldMember and The Swarm
I saw this b4 years ago but dont recall much
its based on a real battle where soviet england faced soviet africa in the 1800s
this movie was a big hit and got a lot of love
lets see if i like it
remember; i hated titanic but liked howard the duck
so it starts wit credits as back then they knew no one stays after the film ends unless theres a scene halfway through
the music sounds like a western
so its january 23 1879 and a letter is read saying the day b4 was an attack on a colony by zulus
then it shows whats left of the battlefield (earth?)  and bodies everywhere as da zooloos come in and loot the corpses
then the title which looks cool and they dont do like it anymore
so the women do a dance and i think we can see their t-ts  as they cook a whole bull  and celebrate
a white guy and his wife watch with the king and wait its his daughter
turns out the thing they are doing is a wedding and they chicks are getting married to a bunch of warriors
we can see their t-ts
gross, its widescreen!!
btw this movie is like 3 hours with adds soo this review might be pretty long
and in the real story the white guy was married and had 2 young daughters and was like 30
so eventually the zuluz get word the zulus toom out 1000 brits and  they are gonna take out more brits in another area
so white guy and daughter escape in a horse carriage
is tthis little house on the prarie, african style??
at da britmo base the brits work with africans to do cr-p
1 brit takes a rifle to a cheetah and some grunts whhine aboout having to eat horse meat and axel grease
oh its recovering soldiers in med bay
a few have snapped minds from ptsd of war in africa and some hate being i the place they see as a sh-t hole
the officers treat the lower class soldiers as animals and make them do all the hard work
yet they are all subservient to the regent
1 guy is an engeneerr to make a bridge and uses guys who were doing d--k on a stick without the superiors consent
the superior officer looks down on engineer and takes shots at him
btwe this was rated pg in soviet ireland and austraila and 16+ in norway and west germany and 15+ in sweden and denmark
candy a55 countries
1 officer whines about a guy he uses for singing being used in cold water instead of practicing song
are theey gonna sing the enemy to defeat like robotech?
wait; i think the whie guy and daughter were different characters than the one who had young kids
so word reaches the base and the cook is told too dump da soup he was makking on da fire andvtake da korn in
1  officer dont got a good view of the natives
so i guess he's either gonna be disprooven or wacked
so as tey prepare for the comin storm, the officers chatand 1's tour is about to expire and another wants his status
so is he starscream??
so 1 guy named hood has a boil and the r pops it but we dont see the pus oozing out
dr pimple popper
hook is the guy the f'd up
i hear his daghters hated how they made him look
so theres 4000 zulus comming and the brits only have a few hundred
so they give the wounded arms
good guy with a gun!!
oh and the white guy is a minister and  his daughter wants the brits to book it
1 cowboy guy gives a demonstration on how the zukus fight with cow refs by having a force to lure in the troops and a pincer on tthe sides to trap and waste em
the brits plan and discuss on what to do and 1 guy wants to hold da line behind bags of korn
also da brits move the wounded into the church
nowadays they'd not even show the church and just ignore The Lord
Also minister has a few swigs of booze
but drunkrness is a sin!!
What next? b0ning a bull?!
So Minister has an officer say a Bible verse as they need all the help they can get
100 vs 4000
its like that castlevania movie; 300. where these hulk hogan speedo guys fought contra enemy monsters in slo mo
so daughter helps the wounded andthey get armed as 1 soldier makes holes in da wall to shoot outta
like space invaders where you blast through your own barrier
so daughter gets p-ssed that they have the sick fight
although if they don't, everyone is dead
1 guy is a swiss who's a cop and know trivia of zulus rnning 50 miles and fighting a battle in a 1 day when the brits don't have good views on zuluz
1 guy in bed tries to grab the daughter but she escapes
they some horses come by and its dutchmen who tell em to get out or go to h-ll and leave
kenshiro; even if there is a 99% chance i lose, and 1% chance i wiin, i must still try.
minister urges em to not fight but book it and sais "thou shalt not kill"
yeah, but the original text is "thou shalt not murder." self defence is ok. as is defending yourself in war
wo they kinda make the minister look bad
what can you expect from a movie made by commies
so minister wants wagons to take away da sick so officer has the wagons turned sideways as barriers
but they try to make this look bad
then miniser struggles agauinst the sideways wagons and muttering prayers
daughter spazzes out and slaps a soldier (counter strike! she threw the 1st punch!!) and sez if sent away, her and dad will return
so the officers lock em up in the storeroom
1 offier whines of hook, the j-rkoff, being given a gun as hes done all these crimes but they hear a thumping in the distance like a train and he has no objections
so thousands of zuluus are comming and minister tries twisting the bible to say a soldier taking oyt a guy trying to bust his head open is like Cain wasting Abel
What about David and Jonathan going Golden Axe on Phillisteins??
Or Joshua and the battle of Jericho?
Cain iced Abel in an attack with no real provocation
What next? Saying Animals have souls?
Dont swat the mosquito! it has rights!
dont microwave a fruit fly! it has rights!
so 1 guy had an uncle in Waterloo against Napoleon
Spoiler: Napoleon was the good guy!
so the tub thumping returns and and tthe britz ready for battle
just wait til ww1 and 2
ww2 fritz vds britz!
ww1; french vs ubermench!!
ww3; bottom vs sodom!!
ww4; aids vs blades!!
ww5; monkeys vs junkies!
like in a lab they test drugs on chimps and they get hooked and fight the junkies for drugs
so after over an hour, the zuluz attack
they sneak through the plants like ninja and pop out closer
btw, dontthey have gattling guns here?
i mean they had em in the civil war, right?
da zoolooz tap their cloth shields and make chanting sounds as they advance as some kinda tactic to psyche em out
btw that 1st hour went by fast
it fely like nothing but kwpt me engaged
so zuluz charge and the britz open fire
zuluz stand there banging thwir cloth shields and throw spears in da groun and keep getting iced
turns out he's just testing his firepower and counting their guns by sacrificing his own men
thats pretty awful
each one has a soul and dreams and hopes
and he throws em away like pawns in a chess game
so britz stop firing and the zulz retreat for now
minister is drunk and britz wanna dump him but the zuluz would f him dead
btw i think i was right about minister being changed a lot in here and having the daughters and being younger and not drunk in the real version
at least they didnt make napoleon a brit mo
so they send him away in a carriage as he says they all will bite it
as this is the 1800s, by now he's right
so da zooloos return and sneak around and are gonna attack on both sides of the base
so the britz reorder their men positions
da zuluz use stolen guns to attack da britz, kinda like in Gundam Seed with the Coordinators using the Stolen Gundams to fight the Humans
a few britz take hitzand some bite it
then da zulus at the other side attack and the britz gotta fight em off up close with bayononettes
typical bloodless violence with stabs not shown in detail or graphic
swiss guy comes out with a busted foot and takes some out and i think saves hook
the leader gets it so he gives command to michawel caine i think
wait, hes not in H E Double England yet so they take him to the med bay with a dr operating on a guy with flyz around him
so after they fight em off theres another swarm attack
why not send all ur men at once in a huke mega strike to overwhelm em?
works for Germany with Zee Blitzkreig
so a few guys get it and 1 wih a spear in the back
after that, the britz get men on the church roof and reorganize their position
another swarm attack comes in and breakks through the barrier but da brits use organized rifle tactics to drive em off
so after that they rebuild and regroup and tensions run high
then another attack and more battle as men on da roof get picked off by zulus on the roof
they fight and the zulus break through the roof and ice the wounded
but the wounded are armed and able to defend themselves
zulu break in the rdoor and the soldiers block the other door and fire through the holes they make in this cr-pmobile building
the building is set on fire and the wounded gget the worse wounded out through the hole busted in.
i mistook it for being a gunhole
the men get out as it burns and hook, who i thought bit it but i was wrong, singlehandedly fa=ights off a buncha zulu and saves the wounded
then a bunch of cows go through the area as the bulding burns
then its night and its still burning
and there's still battles ongoing
later its daytime and the fighting is off
da zulus sing to em and the brits eventually sing back
is this where joyeux noel got it from?
dde da zoolooz atak and more batylez
after the battle the zuluz are on da ground iced or nearly iced.
then the tv channel i'm watching this on went to the next show
k, found it on youtube
so they
f it! its not in english!!
k found another vid
so the fight stopped again and cowboy sez it dont matter anymore
da zuluz sing and cowboy sez they are saluting the britz as fellow warriors
the zulus leave and
f it. the vid ends there
back to the gaijin sound one
and wikepedea
so narrator sez the 11 best soldiers got the victoria cross and itwasthe most given to 1 regiment for a single event
the end
that was pretty good
it has good pacing and flow and isnt boring
good battle scenes and its like a western but africanized
nowadays they'd never have the good guys as the brits and enemy as natives
those commies would be thrashing around in their graves in hll after modern commies come down saying "ur racist!!"
the movie makes the zulus look not evil and its just 2 sides fighting
it was released on the 85th anniversary of the battle and did well
i can see why
this was well made and I thought it worked
for zulu 2 i want it to be 1979 and the future like a flash gordon thing and africa is a cyberized cyber land with animals equipped with cybernetics. the descendants of the zulu from the 1800s have a vision to retake the lace their ancestors didnt and use cyber weapons like a super heated blde that burns through people and extendable spears to fight the new residents, the japanese, who are in cyber samurai armor and use electrified naginata and katana that vibrate and slice through people. its also an up to 4 player beat em up on sega geenesis, snes, gba, tg16, atari jaguar and neo geo where you play as up to 4 cyber samurai andbattle the cyber zulu (who wear traditional zulu outfits but with metal plates equipped to their bodies) and their cyberized animals, some of which they equip themselves to and combine with or have transform into cyberr bio armor.

No comments:

Post a Comment