Saturday, February 8, 2020

Home Review

note; i spell like these space monkeys
this is my review on home from 2015 (The year robotech battlecry on gamecube happened)
it stars the beta male from big bang theory, chris browns gf, steve martin, j lo, asnd the voice of humpty dumpty from Beware the Batman.
its based on a book i never heard of and was directed by the guy who did Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, Over the Hedge 1,
so it starts with nig ang narrating about his space daemon race moving to a new planet
hes just like his big bang character only more cheerful
so they are fleeing some bada55 alien race and take over earth
they deport all humans to  soviet australia and colonize their homes
no militry resistance or defence
so big bang is a loser and everyone hates him but he's too dense to get it
so 1 human remmains hidden in the city and wants her mom and has  home alove style traps but non violent or fun
huh, people gave this a 5/10
thats a D- in grades on a test
i did see this b4 but forgot some of it
so big gang goes to biug a traffic cop aklien and accidentally sends his directions to his home to everyone in the galaxy
including the aliens they fled from
so big bang is gonna get lynched and he stumbles his way out of it in a hover pod
eventually he meets human at a beckers or w/e and she locks him in the freezer like in jurassic park
he thinks his space daemon race is doing good and she hates his kind for jacking her fam
sorta like a parent letting an anorexic or w/e get surgery to change his body to fit his distorted view and thinking its helping him be his "real" self
meanwhile, the leader deciuddes they gotta hack huis email and cancel the email b4 it gets to the enemy race
but he's the only alien whos password snt password
and they gotta find him b4 its too late
maybe those spoace demons will take out these ones?
or will they take over too like the invid after the masters in robotech?
so she lets him oou to fix her car and its now a hover car like robotech ii the sentinels
now they go to soviet paris to find where they stashed her mom
he goioes autistic over her having a cat and he tells of how their leader met the enemy race
he spazzed out and ran and jacked an item from them
so its like the flower of life in robotech
but less gay
so then its day and they are in soviet new york and the patroll is after em
sortsa like the zentraedi after the SDF-1 for the masters
so they stop to cr-p and he eats a urinal cake and drinks p-ss
he tries to ditch her but she catches him and 1 alien finds em but dont get to say he needs the password in time as cr--p keeps getting in the way
also he fires a blast and thinks he icced big bang
latter she plays music and he spazzes out in responce like dancing
so its like the zentraedi and minmeis music
he jumps out into the ocean for hours and when he gets back he takes her expressions literally
she trys to explain how things were better b4 his invasion
he reveals his kind ont have families (like tyhe zentraedi!!) and eventually pieces together the obvious about her feelings
this is the only role that beta male from bigbang theory can get as he's basically playing himself
so big bang tells her of the enemy race and how they gonna bust their planet
sorta like how optera was f'd by the masters
so she teaches him knock knock jokes and they tgo to the awful tower in france
she uses make up to make him looks sslightly different and its a disguise
they get in the base and find the brain bugs hasnt found his password yet and the enemy ailens are comming
he plugs into the matrix and so does she and somehow it dont cook her brains and he uses his password to stop the invasion
they find humans mom is in soviet austrailia and they leave to find the leader and his minions who are gonna erase him
she saves him by turning a gravity thing and the tower tilts
after some action and cr-p they bust up soviet france (good!!) and get away
she jacked the van gogh painting of the starry night or w/e and big bang dont get it
man wwe're an hour in and it feels like it should end as they solved the issue
later biig bbang finally realizes how his kind f'd up earth and sez sorry
now give her rerarations!!
so he admits he knows he dont belong as we cant have a hero in a kids story being cool or fun
imagine he man as a loser who everyone hated?
aka; dragon ball evolution
or worse yet; bridesmaids
so later they wake up and they were sleep dricing and are in a swarm of space pods
also the enemy race has found em and is here
so they crash andwe get a tacked on sad moment where the car bites it from the slushys powering it oozing out
but its only a few secs
so they raid an enemy drone and find an item on it that can power his car to fight the ememy race
so they get to soviet australia and the aliens are fleeimg as everyone cheers
he tries to get her to ditch earth and she's had it with his cr-p and kills him
she tells him off for being a cr-ppy friend and he has some kinda autism attack b4 ditching her for his own kind
so the enemy race mothership is there and iss gonna ttoast em but big bang uses the super fx chip to boost them away
everyone is amazing he didnt chicken out like everyone there
then he goes on a speech about how humans dont run away and care about each other unlike their cr--ppy race
leader triees to kill him but the traffic guy stands up for him and takes his rod of silence kayest and they make big bang the leader
so human interaction has changed the invading alien race
just like robotech
back on soviet earth; humans cell phone runs outta juice (how long was it on?!) and we get a tacked on sad moment where it looks bummer
but movies dont get to have bummer ending anymore
we don't even get alternate ends like lon chaney's the penalty or laugh clown laugh where one ending has the guy biting it
so he comes back and sez he learned of friendship  or some care bears cr-p and helps  her find her mom
then big bang figgers out his race is the bad guys and the enemy mothership is back
he sends her in a flying car like in the room off and runs up to the coming megaship
human uses a mirror she got her om for xmas or w/e to show the dirver of the megaship big bang is there but it wont stop in time
so she gets down and triesd to save him but it squishes him
see you in h-ll you space monkey!!
then we get ANOTHER sad moment where it looks like hes been iced
but he was just between 2 spikes and was ok
no one dies in this film?!
h-ll transformers the movie has half the cast blown out in the 1st act
so the head enemy alien coms out and they give it the jacked item
turns out the big scary soace monsters were just small starfish in bbig exosuits
and the jacked item was their whole next generation of young(step in to the grand tour!! i mean; generation next!!)
and that one alien was the last one of his kind besides the next gen
and h was tracking the rock and the invite had nothing to do with it
that whole invite subplot was meaningless
btw; the aliens next generation being jacked was used in roboptech ii the sentinels with the karbarrans
then its 2 weeks later and everything is back to normal but humans and aliens get along and coexist
big bang and human have a party and play music and alll these other space monsters show up as all are friendly and get along
the end
that wasnt bad
i didn;pt hate it
it wasnt great
but it wasnt annoyiing or cr-ppy
just more by the numbers tvpg modern film
the animaton wasnt bad and the msuic and art was ok
the acting fit and its just another mass marketed kids film
not great like watership down
not awesome like transformers the movie
but not horrible like from justin to kelly
its not something that will have a big following like gremlins or the room, but its not hateable
for home 2 i want the leader who got deposed to start incidents that turn people against the aliens as a plan to make a war and rise up to regain power. it works and soon the earth is a battlefield of humans and aliens. plus a lot of people didn't need much to hate them as they took over b4 and the huamns felt weak and powerless and vowed to never be like that again. also its a 16 bit run and gun game like contra or metal slug on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as either human or alien and use tech mixed from both sides and blow apart the otehr side with it.

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