Sunday, January 19, 2020

Mulan Review

Note: I spell like a hun
This is my review on Mulan from 1998 (The year the Sega Dreamcast came out on JapAN)
Its based on a true story but disney toned it down to a g rated animation
it stars ming-na from street fighter, eddie murphy from the golden child, BD (Super Mario) Wong from Law and order svu, june foray from nearly a century of cartoons, Miguel Ferrer from robocop 01, harvy fiersyein from mrs doubtfire, lomg duck dong from 16 candles, james hong from waynes world, sulu from star wars, mr miyagi from the karate kid and frank welker as the animakls from transformers
i saw this as a 90s kid and liked it
back when disney did new things instead of endless sequels and reboots
like the 2020 live action mulan
so it starts in the great wall and thr huns are attacking
the guard gives the signal b4 being skinned alive and force fed it and china knows they're there
the emperor knows a single man can make a difference in winning
is that a pro life message?
meanwhile, mulan is gonna meet a matchmaker like in fiddler on the roof, which had harvey feirstein in a play, and she's wrote cheat signs on her arm for the test
cant they just sense her ki and match it to the right guy?
grandma june foray walks into traffic eyes closed with a cricket to test for luck
everyone crashes but she's unharmed
is that a rissian roulette ref?
so they clean her up (including being bathes and fully nude offscreen) and sing about bringing honor
also they give her the lucky crisket
i hate crickets as they blast those chirps like a homie going through town at night with rap deafening him in his car.
but its bad luck to harm a chicket
matchmaker looks her over and sez shes too thin
didn't know they liked fat chix then
so mulan f's up her tst and the nasty hag judging her sez she never bring her fam honor
at her farm home she sins a bummer song that kinda 90s and her dad comforts her
then the emperors men come by with the draft to ay 1 man from each family must serve
mulan 2: mulan in nam!!
mulans da, who's crippled, agrees to sign up but mulan sez for him to not
james hong advisor to emperor, tells off dad for raising mulan bad and dad sez she dishonors him
at dinner she tries to reason with him but he wont hear it
after some tears in the rain, she jacks her dads armopr and raft card, cuts her hair, jackds his horse, and books it
dad wakes up and finds out but cant out her as they'd ice her for it
thats kinda f'd up
and they say dont ask dont tell was bad
so mulans ancestors ghosts have their demoted guardian mushu, played by soviet new york black guy eddie murphy (a total match for ancient china) to get the best guardian to help mulan
mushu tries to awaken the great stone dragon and it crumbles into dust.
well, it WAS made in china!!
he fakes being the dragon and they dot get that its his voice or that the real mushu never returns, and mushu teams with chirinkt to save mulan and regain his lost status
meanwhile, the head hun catches 2 scouts and tells em to tell the emperor the wall challenges his strength and to send chinas best warriors
this guy seems like kaiba
then he has a sniper pick off t messenger as you only need 1
they sure made the mongolian guy look like a daemon. black eyes with yellow pupils, gray skin, claws, fangs, ect.
its like 300 where the bad guys looked like lord of the ruings monsters
so mushu meets mulan and gives her advise on being a man
1 guy she neets is a 1 eyed midget played by harvey, a raspy voiced jewish sounding guy.
totally a match for ancient china
the captain, played by bd wong,  is put in charge of training by his dad, a high rank guy
he comes out to see everyone fighting and they blame mulan
after some fun, mushu givbes mulam the name ping and she tries and s-cked at faking being a dude
imma dude, he;s a dude, shes a dude, and we're all dudes here!
the next day mushu feeds her (fetish!!) and she goes to training
i gotta say, the characters have character
they aint just archtypes or cut outs
they have good feels and personalities and stand out in looks, voice, acts and style
so captain trains em in a montage and has em get an arror from the top of a pole while carrying 2 wrights on cloth straps
bbtw, captain is pretty bada55
also; lots of tooth loss in here
guys gettin teeth busted out
imagine of they got bones removed?
instand r rating
but tooth loss is g rated
so in the montage, mulan f' out and is toold to go home
but uses the weights on cooth to act as a rope to wrap around each other and the pole and climb it
then they all improve
btw; if her dad can hardly walk, i doubt they are gonna send him into battle. even the spartans didnt do that!
also, if she was told to go home cuz she cant do it i doubt her limp dad can do better. he was in no danger.
oh and its donny osmond singing as captain
later mlan is bathing nude in a lake at night and the guys from trainign  jump in
they joke around as she tries to avoid them seeing her and realising she dont got a ding d0ng
also; harvey's guy is standing nude on a rock for all to see his parts
its all offscreen but is fun
mushu gets her out by biting a guys butt
this would be pg13 now as saying butt too many tomes gets a pg rating
i recalled mushu saying 'I have just been violated" after biting the butt but i think i;m thinking of another movie
so advisor thinks the trsainees aint rready and captain got his job cuz of his dad(like trudeau?!)
mushu has crisket write a note saying the generel dad needs em and mushu rides a panda while in a suit of armor puppet
how did a cricket learn to write?!
is it a yokai?!
on the wayy there, her friends talk about what kinda girkl they'd like
they all have thheir own feels and styles and stand out great
sorta like robotech how all the guys in dana sterlings unit had their own look, feel and personality, despite wearing the same uniform
b4 the song ends they wander into h-ll
well, its a destroyed village where the huns iced everyone, even captains dad and men
sorta like robotech how scott bernard went to that base only to find its busted
theres no bodies but mulan finds a little girls doll, implying they iced and probaly b0ned her dead
holy cr-p we're like over half way in
that whizzed by!
they mpve on and mushu accidentally launches a rocket that gives away their postition and a rain of arrows on fireblows the rocket cart and smnipers captain
they use rockets and take out hun snipers but then the swarm of army huns charges at em
this is a snowy monntisn and the cricket has no issue
what is this?! 2012 where they had elephants hanging from choppers in the mountains?!
so mulan getss the last rocket and nails a snow thing uo high and the avalanche takes out the huns
hun leader slices mulan and runs but gets caught in the snow
her gang survive under a rock as mulan saves captain with an arrow on a rope tied to her horse carrying her and a grown a55 man
they celebrate mulan saving then but she's got a slive wound from the sword and blacks out
mulan's gonna get a bada55 scar from that
scars are cool
btw, theres a lot of violence and blood for a G rated movie
video games get an e10 or T eating for having blood
even if its just a skater falling on the ground
btw; why didn't the sword cut through her armor but cut her?
after fixing her they find out shes a chick and advser wants her executed
thats racist against women
but captain spares her in repayment for ssaving him
spoiler; in the real story, i hear she lived in dishonor for this and was hated by everyone
but disney cant have a bummer ending
disney's the man who laughs: they get healed by a mermaid mage and live in america and have kids
so mulan is bummed out alone in the frozen mountains with mushi and crikikt aboyt it falling apart
mushu comes out about not being a real guardian and a buncha huns bust outta their frozen graves as zombies with gray skin, black eyes with yellow  colored parts, fangs and claws
mulan goes to the emperors city where theres a celebration and tells captain but he dont buy it as she lied about her being a man
just checked wikiepedoea and it claims mulan was fiction and suicided
then again; it says oj isnt a murderer, global warming is real, creationism is fake, and j fk was iced by 1 guy.
so i gotta question it
btw; where's all the black chinese?! is this movie racist?!
so captain gives the emperor the sword of the head hun but his pet bird reclaums it by GRABBIT IT BY THE BLADE in a flyby
shouldnt that cut off his feet toes?!
so head hun captures the emperor annd locks china out
but mulan has her homies crossdress to get close to the hun guards and bust en
violence! gore! nude scenes!
naked minerva mink!!
so after trying to ask emperor to bow to him, hun is gonna ice him, but mulans dudes save him
mulan cuts the escape rope and is locked in there with hun leader
mulan reveals shes the one who iced all his dcdes and he chases her while tearing apart buildings with his bare hands?!
is this place made of paper or is he the hulk?!
btw, isnt she still wounded?
i mean she lost a lot of blood and got sliced open
her guts probably came out a bit!!
thats pretty bada5 to fight all chopped up
like riki-oh or kenshiro
maybe jojo... from primeval!!
btw, mulan warned captain that the huns are "inside the city" despite her just arriving and having had a head start AND was on horse(they were on foot)
so manny logic errors
so he busts through the roof but mulan takes his sword with a fan and pins him to the roof with it
then mushu busts him with a rocker into the chinese fireworks place and he's burns apart
he can bust through wood buildings but his coat pinned to the roof by a sword stops him?
the emperor sez mulans crimes and that se saved them "all".
from what?! 1 guy?! they literally have hundreds of people right there.
unless they all convert to him, they can take him.
i dont care if he's hulk hogan! even if he kills most of em, he's gonna tire out and one can get a lucky hit!
emperor offerws her a job but she wants to go home and he gives her the bad guys sword and a medal and goes home
emperor pilaf tells captain to go after her as "u dont meet a girl like dat every dynasty"
dat 90s
so she reunites with her dad and both r happy
then captain comes by and mushu is made gardian again, while cricket gets his last job
then positive 90s music to credits
the end
that was good 90s fun
good action, fluid animation, good art, good voices and music
its got a good story and flow and just feels nice
wtf it was rated 12 in hungary
and soviet england had to cut it to get a g rating
cuz headbutts are against the law in that candya55 commie country
but i loved it and its back when movies and tv were cool
for mulan 2 i want the hun leader to have survived being cooked in chinese fireworks and be skinless but his nerves are dead so he feekls no pain. he sneaks back in the palace and wastes the emperor, takes over the city, and sends word for his people to come in and take over. the people go with it and serve him as their leader is iced and they fear fighting back. but mulan and captain start a resistance to have strikes in key places to take down his rule. also its a 16 bit srpg like shining force on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba, and atari jaguar where you play as mulan and friends and do missions to get new items and experience points to level up and face the hun leader, who is now 9 feet tall and super buff from his glsnds being damaged in the blast and he kkept growing. Oh and the cricket is revealed to be a yokai or w/e chinese cryptids are and can transform into a human sized bugman with ki shots

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