Sunday, April 17, 2022

Alienator Review

 Note: I spell like alien shows on The History Channel think


This is my review on Alienatort from the distant fuiture year of 1990 (The year Transformers Zone came out)

its directal by  Fred Olen Ray who did Alien Dead, Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold and a buncha films that sound like p0rn0

It stars John Phillip Law from Barbarella, Ther beefy bronze blonde Teagan Clive from Interzone, P. J. Soles fro Carrie, Hallowween 1 and The Devil's Rejects, Robert Clarke from Bedlam, The Hideous Sun Demon, From the Earth to the Moon, and was the dad of Cam Clark from Robotech, Leo Gordon from Big Top Peewee and The Night of the Grizzley, Joseph Pilato from Beetleborgs and Digimon, aand a few other guys i never saw in anything else

according to tthe imdb, its a sdorta remake of The Astounding She-Monster and is a lot like Critters 01

I saw some of this b4 but not all the way through

huh, Teagan is married to Stan Berkowitz of DCAU writing

Guess he likes muscle chicks, Nice, that explains all the Superhero shows

so after creits and we get text saying on some planet in a galaxy a guy named after one of those daemon godsd in the Bible who the celebs worship is oppressing people and theres an uprising

many innocents bite it and the leader of the uprising is caught and sdentecned to be executed

on a prisoin planet but not like ion shadow raiders/war planets or supoer draghon ball heroes, the xexecutioner is getting ready to end him

executor tells rebel he wants him to suffer but executioner is told he has a vidsitortt wjho he thinks is comming tomorrow

exe beats on reb and leaves and reb sees a buig on the wall aand an item in his cell

exe finds the general is here and his secretary is in an outfit with holes cut for her b-00bs but is in a bra

also i hear 1 guy on this had his gf into the black arts so this explains the bad guys name

a guy comes to pobserve the execution and they put another guy to be executed in a cell by rebel to f with him

obserber talks with secretaty about how she can executre guys with a button and he sufgfests standing up for huiman life(they're human??)

but she sez its her job, like that calvin and hobbes thing with the aliens, and exector sez this is the end of the line fopr those wq/o any appeals left

so observer sez the executed to be guy has kids but exector sez he shouldn't have been "allowed" to breed, implying eugenics, which comes from evolution

on onservers planet they dont executtre even if they got it comming

so exectur presses a button and the not rebel is didsintegrated with light but revbel breaks free, gets a lazer and treies to fight his way out

mega man exe cutergoos after him and theres a NEON LAZER BLAST FIGHT

reb takes out guys and gets aaway, then sneaks around and puts a cloth of parasites on as guards face as thery go inside his head

now it would be with cg but this is done well

so rebvel gets to the airlock and escapres so the executer  calls inn da hunter unit

then we get title and credits and its pretty 80s with music that sounds like a video game kinda

btw this is colored and in proper full screen

so reb goes around in a space craftthats made of matter and NOT really cr-ppy cg that eats the budget to look like a55

he makes it to da urth and then we see some Americans in an RV going around what I assume is the Confederacy

the driver is drinking beer like hes buster bunny in the banned ep of tiny toons and they see the fire thing come through the sky

there's also a nerd and a vally girl in da rv

where the spacecraft crashed, they user a miniature and perspective to look like its big as the guy is behind it in the distance and the rebel comes out and acts mentally ret-rded

eventually he is in the road and beer drinking driver bumps past him and they check him

driver is worrided of being in tyrouble for ruunning over a guy and they bring him to take him to a ranger station by the camping grounds

in da rv he screams and spazzes out b4 blacking out with his mouh open for someone to take a big steamy dump in

then we see some comic hunters doofing around in da ewoods and the dumb one yakes some cans off the ground for target practice

they find a rabbit in a trap and th waRDEN CATCHES Em and they claim they were helping it

if they get 1 more write up they go to tghe work farm, and warden sez this part of the woods is a game preserve and is only catch taG AND RELEASE

BUT they say all the good animals are there and they need bear traps in case of bears and cougars and sasqyatch

the doofs go asnd warden gets the rabbit to insert in his back door or w/e people do with em

so laTER ITYS NIGHT AND THERES A loty of fog machine fog and the teens who are like 34 get the ranger and tell him of the guy they hit

they check him and they say he was hit 20 mins ago which isnt likey as now its night and it was day when they hit him

so ranger warden checks him and calls the dr to come over and dr is drinking and kinda f'd

driver wants to go but warden wants to check his license and go on the computer

rebel jerks around and spazzes out gores back and laster its nighter and he comes to and cant talk rifht asn hes got a coller on his neck

he warns em that somethings comming and they wonder what his deal is

he sez hes from another world and was gonna be executed and the ones after him will hunt and end him and the 30 year old teens

then another ship lands and they use a perspective shot to make it look big and it looks better than any of that new star wars cr-p

on the prioson planet the open t-ts chick is grilled for leaving thew safety on in the execution thign and  exectuor comes on to her like weinstein

observer comes on and secrietay leaves and another guy coimes in and sez the tracking device is in his collar and working

executer wants the prisoner iced no matter the cost and back on the earth warned stantion , ther power is out and rebel sez the bad guy is taking over the power systems

reb sez hsi homeworld was destroyed like in grendizer or the manga of black lion and most 30 year old teend dont believe him

so dr's car ois f'd pout and teagan comes out in a metal bikiniand mask with a blaster arm and zaps him aND HE evaporates

wait he catches firte, thoguth he vanished b4

we see him burn with a puppet of him cooked , its pretty bada55

warden goes out to check the generator and valley girl asks if rebel knows E T

so the machines dont work and the doofy guys from b4 whine abotu their truck not starting and they come across the cooked dr and want his car

eventually they ntoice the cooked dr and his nadme is doc BURNside

so they goo oon and later the nerd in the warden place is sure the rerbel is a real space man

driver points a gun at him and is joking around and warden tells him so stop being a j-rk off

man the acting in this is kinda cr-ppy, but not so bad that its epic like la blue girl

then the car alarm goes off and rebel spazzes out as the lights on and off like eyes open/close with the egg from outer space from pj katies farm

outside is metal bnikini teagan and nerd and wearden gom out to see

rebel and driver goi out and se her and rebel sez to ice her

comet blurrs out teagans crotch even though shes weraring a metal bikini and rebel convinces driver to fire on her

teagan fires and evcapoprates a truck and the gangf flee out the back door

warden wants to get to another cabin but driver sez they just lefty one and rebel sez to seppuku so its less painful

thats what this msuic reminds me of!

Alien Soldier on Sega Genesis

Irs got that techno cyber beat

latr teagan takes out a wood spike from her leather boot and pulls the tip through her rubber foot as she stpped in a trap hole of spikes

so warden and friends get to the colonel and then we see teagensee a deer

she scans it and finds its non hostile and it comes to her and she pets it

so after telling cooonel the story offscrean and colonel sez the Soviets had a Lazer in Nam

colonel thinks his a k 4 7 can take out the alienator, kinda like donald hayes thinking the grand cannon can takre out the zentraefdi, ort anatole leoprtnard thinks his forces can take the robotech masters

colonel gets a gun that can stop a bull elep[hant in a 100 yards and shoots off the collar from rfebel

colonel leonard has driver guard the door and gets an anti personal mine

rebel wants to use a net of metal to f up its circuts and colonel hayes sez he has barbed wire and chicken fence

back on prison planet; the observer beats executer in a gamer executer is updated on the situation

back on da urth teagenm walks around in ehr metal bikini and we get a clear shot at her beefy thong a55

colonel plants the mine and the collar and teagan comes by and they bvlurr out her crotych again

she fires on the wardena nd colonel and they firtre back and all miss and escape in the cabin

teagan tyalks in alien talk with a cyber voice and rebel sez it sez it will let them go if they give himup and lay down their arms

colonel fires on the mine and blows her away but she is unharmed

btw on youttube in french this movcie is on and its widescreen and is missing the top and bottom

rebel offers to team up with driver to make him rich if he helps him and teaches this worlds ways

but driver dont consent as rebel is a walking targewt

so then nerd tells abotu how as a kid he wanted to be john carter of mars

then alienatormis on da roof and they shgouldnt fire aty the cieling as it mgiht torech the roofd

so driver fires and warden sez"u got sh-t for brains kid?!@"

valley girl runs otu to da car and wardewn and colonel go out after her

driver goes out and teagan throws away his gun and strangles him

unable to resxist, he startsd j-rkin off and blasts the floor wioth goo

jk really she throws him to the ground and valley ghirl uses a crossbow on teagean

she pulls out out the back of her head and the warden aND COLONEL FIRE ON HER

the shots spark off her matal bikini like its power rangers and nerdlinger throws a metal net on her that spazzes her out

warden wants to burn the body but colonel sez its proof and taKES her lazer cannon

rebel uses his ki to heal drivers neck and sez he can trach him it

when driver sez the gob will vivisect him, he puts back the pain, then later he does some ki thing and red ki comes out of drivers face

thern tis day and driver comes back anc sez he weas p-ssing and dont know where rebel is

valley gril sez"the suns come up" even though its bright day and has been for hours

driver drinks a beer and crushes the bottle in 1 hand and is coming onto the other girl w/o consen t

warden makes him back off so driver caps him in da arm

turns out, rebel took over drivers body and iced him and then runs outta bullets so nerdlinger attakcs

as the nerd is a55 kicked by the joick, they have a shatner level fight

then teagan comes outa f--kin nowhere and axes off driver rebels head

teagan sends in word she iced rebel and observer freaks out

teagan vaporizes his head and gives em a bag aND WEALKS OFF AND IN THE BAG ARE SPACE JEWELS

observer sez he was exiled for fighting but exectoer sesz their group iced countelss innocents

observer pulls out a lightsaber and sez the rebel was his son and executer fights and punches through him with a hand

in da cabin they wonder what to tell others and colonel dont know if he believs it

then they go out and seetreagans spacecraft going off as colonel sez she sa great woman

then credits to that alien soldier music and blue fdont on black background

the end

that was actuallly kindas good

nice twist that the guy they were after was the bad guy

teagan was bada55

good effects and style

good 80s vibe and tyle

stefanie bardack? like the dbz guy?

peeny cooper? like if the big bang theor7y guiy got married?

i enjoyed this one and its pretty entertaining and has a good cheesy low budghet 80s style

for alienator 2 i want her to be sent on another planet to catch a cyber criminal and goes through the escaped guys planet what he reprogrammed to atytack her. also its a 16 biut Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16 Atari GJaguar and GBA pplatform game where ytouy play as the Alienator and fight on this cybertech world and blast through robots and mechs

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