Saturday, July 11, 2020

Journey to The Center Of The Earth Review

Noye: My spellin g is hollow like da urth

Journey to the Center of the Eaarth

diss iz ma revewe of jerny 2 da center od da urth from 1959

its directed by Henry Levin who did the 60s brothers grimm movie and stars james masoc,bat boone, annd no one else i know

its based on a book by jules verne and is probably trye as i hear storues of da urth having lother worlds inside it

i saw this in da 90z butr not since den

huh, pat didn't wanna be un thus cuz its sci fi

it made a lot of cash at da thearte and got good reviews

so after credits  to laave, we get 1880 soviet england i mean scotland and this geology professer comes to this place where they sing a song to celebraste him and thabk him for being a good teacher

noeadays he's be a dgenerate and either teach the kids lies, or be mo lesting them

also the students would be malcontents and dinks

but in the 1800s people were happy

so pat boone gives him a weird rock and later boone comes by this place for dinner and thers a chick there

they clash lightly so i assume they gonna fall in love

also pat needs cash and then plays piano and sings a love soong sorta like robotech

its really nice

he gives her a kiss on the forehead andd people come in

meanwhile, proff who is chick's uncle is busy in da lab and dinner is about ready

turns out, the rock pat gave him has contradicting cr-p and has wriiting on it

it seems to be from iceland but came outta italy

then something blows and prof the ho rock with his bare hands

turns oout, there was a beyblade in the roock and it has a nordic message on it

turns out, its from an icelandic scientist whohad crazy ideas but vanished

so sudedenly its later and 2 weeks of him staying alone in his library have made school guys come for him saying get to work ya candya66

he thinks h  can reach the center of da urth through a volcano

wouldnt the gravity f ya?

i mean if ur 200 feet under water, you got 200 feet of water on you pressure

so pat comes by and gives proff a letter from soviet stockolm and goes to the library to smooch the chick

also the guy proff anted to reach vanished around the time his letter asking to meet got thete

so now proff wants to go to soviet iceland too beat this guy whos going there i think

and pat wants to join

so they go to iceland to eat the lazytown puppets and i wasnt paying attention as i was making rice but a guy is in a horse cart and is taken to a feather storehouse and pat in in there too

they got paptuted (and the guy is prof)

and the rival rof whos trying to beat them is f ing them up by buying the cr-p they need

they hear a tapping on the wall and think its morse code annd they ask it in multiple languages

but its really a duck and its owneris an icer who comes by and frees wm

they go to dda hotel to see the rival and he's been iced and he was poisoned

so this hag tells chick that the g on the hotel bit it and she thinks its pat and prof, wait, i think its a diferent chick

oh its the wife of rival prof

prof sez he needs riival's gear and it should be his as the trip was his idea and rival stole it

also the explorer who went missng's fam is about and trying to stop others from finding out his seccret

she reads her man's doary and consents to givingthem the gear

alsso she's goiig with them but prof dont want it as shes a girl and girls have cooties

so he eventually agrees if she ddoesn't hold em up andthey go off to the volcano

they see light going through a hole in a hill and thats where to go (indiana jones rippred it off) and duck guy broght his duck

well, it took almost an hour bu they finally gooing in

but unlike 2012, it was interesting

meanhile, the chick from b4 gets a letter from prof who sezthey going in with a chick and a nord

so the heroes go deeper and this rock rolls after em like indiana jones and they survive

they find markings that show they are on da right way and they go on but soomething f's up

eventually they find a crustal area with water andthey hose off but but by chipping off a piece of crystal (like spheris in Robotevh) the wall f's out andwater flushes in

what a p o s wall, 1 piece pulled off and the who thing's f;d

meanwhile, pat dropped a lamp in a hole in da earths a55 and is wandering around

so they go up a hole in the ceiling and they go around as pat wanders and takes off his shirt from the heat in the cave

btw this was rated 12+ in fin land, norway and west germany

buncha candya55es

so pat find a salt hole and sinks through it andd after searching for him, the party figgers hes bit it and namee the expidition affter him

later, the relative of the 1st explorer finds pat and  as his servent bit it, is gonna enslave pat boon to carry his cr-p

also relative bad guy caps pat in tge arm and prof uses his nerd math powers to find where the gunshot came from and save him

bad guy has emm at gunpoint and tells em to book it and give him theur cr-p

so prof tthrows calt in bad gus face (nyyyyyyyyyehhhhh pockect sand!!) and gets his gun

they have a trial ovr him icing the tival as down here, they are da law and find him guoilty

but no one wants to execute him  as pat can't use his left hand and chick is a woman  and cant even though she was saying her gende dont matter for weeks (how feminist!)

also; sheena from contra hard corps is a chick and caps everyone

btwm so what if you cant use ur left hand? just put it in his butt and blow him out!!

give him a 45 calibur suppository!!

so they take him along and find thealgae in here glows

isnt this proof of ceeationism? natural things made to help people?

if it evolved it woulsn't do that! it would try to stay hidden!

soo they were under for 256 ggays and prrof gets [p-ssed at wife b--cjhing at him

they find huge a55 mushrooms (like in super mario?) and try to eat em (cuz they totallly have no chance of being poison) and later, pat and wiffe taalk about the chick hes hetero for

later they find a sea underground (which IS true as sciemtists have found there is a whole other oceann in da urths crust(and was proobably these after Noah's flood, wgich is more ptoof of creationism!!))

they find a dimetrodon and ezcape unto the sea as it can't swim

btw, they used a  modded lizard for this but if it was done today it would be cr-ppy a55 cgi

so it goes off and ffinds more dmetrodons and come for the heroes

it nearly eats wife but they chuck a  spear  into 1 of em and (just like liberals) they back off when challenged

the crew gets a raft made of mushrooms to the sea abd next we see chick at her place in winter wondering about the crew

meanwhilee, later, they reach da center of da uurth and its magnetic cr-p sucks their metal off and they are in a crazy a55 storm

are we gonna see the sea  monsters now?

so after da storm they are on da beach and prof and wife have a moment

so duck wanders off and when nord wakes up its gone and h finds it was eat by bad guy

being from a commie country, he tries to murder a man over an animal and when bad guy steps back and leans on rocks, they give out and he's iced

where the rocks fell is the city of atlantis as somehow its at the center of da urth but in great shape

also is an alter wherethey worshipped their wicked gods like in yugioh 5Ds

also is the bones of the explorer which is pointing to a shaft with a gust of wind thats a volcanic chimney

they need supplies to make it up and theres this biolizard thing that changes colors near em

so they find the chute is blocked and they are gonna bloe it with gunpowder and use a sacrificial lter to ride in

After a prayer this biolizard attacks and grabs prof with its tentacle tonguebut they get him back and hide in the alter for tribute bowl

the gunpowder blows andit makes the altanticf out and lava come up that eats the biolizard

in their cereal bowl theyride the wind tunnel on lava below em (which should cook them through the bowl) and they get pooped outta italy volcano

the alter sinks in da sea and they are saved by a boat

meanwhile, pat is sent flyinh by a nun factory ad lands in a tree

wont tht kill him?

so later prof is celebrated but says he has no proof so thry shouldnt cheer

but now someone else might go under and proove it in the not too didtant futute

why not go now??

whats stopping em?

also pat married chick and busted his leg on the church steps

priof wants to have wife stay with him but she dont wanna live in sin

then they smooch and everyone sings the celebrate song about da prof

then text sez carlsbad cavern wa where some was filmed

the end

that was great

good adventure, good effects, good music, good acting

they cut a few things, like the sea monster battle, and changed the characters to ireishmen instead of germans, but it still worked

its doen right and is clean with little to no swearing, vooiolnce, nude scenes or purvoes

a good clean tvpg like weird al or batman tas

glad i saw it. its great

for Journey to the Center of the Earth 2 i want it to be ww1 and the kaiser sends a team down into da earth for finding ancient cr-p too help him beat the ape like englishmen and lusty french. its also a 16 bit rpg on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari aguar where yo play as this team of german dudes and fight through cave monsters and drive a steam powered vehicle through it to bring back ancient monsters to fight the britmo's army and lusty soviets.

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