Note: I spell hard ly good
Hard Target
This is my review on Hard Target from the distant future year (To The Czar) of 1993 (The byear Sonic CD Came Out)
Its directal by John Woo who did face/off and windtalkers
It stars the mondo cool Jean Claude Van Damme from Bloodsport/Kickboxer 01/Lionheart/Double Impact/Last Action Hero/Timecop/Street Fighter/Wake of Death/Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Lance Henriksen from dog day afternoon/Close Encounters of the Third Kind/Damien: Omen II/ The Terminator 01/Aliens/Pumpkinhead/Alien 3/Super Mario Bros. the movie/The Quick and the Dead/disnerys Tarzan/Scream 03/Alien vs. Predator/Superman: Brainiac Attacks/Transformers: Animated/the 2012 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Arnold Vosloo from 1492: Conquest of Paradise/Agent Cody Banks/Blood Diamond/the netflix Voltron: Legendary Defender, Yancy Butler from kick a55/Law & Order, Kasi Lemmons from The Silence of the Lambs (pix or it didnt happen)/Candyman 01, Chuck Pfarrer from Darkman 001/Red Planet, Willie C. Carpenter from mn in blck 001/Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood/The Wonder Years/Gotham/Blue Bloods/svu, Wilford Brimley from The China Syndrome/The Thing/Cocoon 01/Seinfeld, Sven-Ole Thorsen from Conan the Barbarian/Conan the Destroyer/Predator 01/The Running Man/Overboard/Twins/Ghostbusters 02/Total Recall/Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe/Terminator 2: Judgment Day/Death Becomes Her/Bram Stoker's Dracula/Last Action Hero/On Deadly Ground/The Quick and the Dead/Eraser/Jingle All the Way/Batman & Robin/George of the Jungle/End of Days/Gladiator/Collateral Damage/Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story/Collateral/Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future/Baywatch, Jules Sylvesterfrom Bram Stoker's Dracula/1000 Ways to Die, Marco St. John from the GOOD Superman/Friday the 13th: A New Beginning/Thelma & Louise/The Butler/the 10s Roots, Ted Raimi frtom xena/The Evil Dead/Evil Dead II/Darkman 01/Candyman 001/Army of Darkness/Stuart Saves His Family/the GOOD Spider-Man movies from da 00s/The Grudge/Baywatch/ The GOOD hercules with Kevin Sorbo/Code Monkeys, and some guys not mentioned on wikipedia
i saw this b4 but its been a whileso after the 90s universal logo from ther land beforer time movies and credits. we see this guy in toe confederate area of the cajin lands trying to escape a guy firing metal arrows at him
he runs from bikers and a car with lance bean and lance sez if the guy is at da river he won and they cant let that happen
a sniper nails him with a gun that fires arrowes and fires at him with a bullet gun but he gets toi the bridge and falls in the wood and gets an arrow through ther torso
lance and his goons take an item in a poich he was carrying and wipe their showes on his face
then its day and this 90s chick drives into the area looking for her dad and finds he lost his job and left the place he was rentying
i blame the democrats as they were in charge in the 90s
she asks around and finds he was a hobo and we see jean claude eatiung cr-ppy gumbo with greasy stringy hair and paying with coins
chick comes by and has a bunch of bills and gets change to use a pay phone as in the 90s we didnt need cellphones and its cheaper than the phone and plan and data
he follows her, wait, no he goes out and some guys confront anf try to mug herand 1 backhands her btu jean claude comes up and kicks their a55es with slo mo
that was pretty cool and only took place over a few seconds but the slo mo made it longer
also the robbers saw her flashing her cash as she never saw that ep of COPS(central organization of police specialists, fighting crime, in a fiture time)
so the cops are on strike or something and chick goes to see the cops for a missing person repoort of her dad and her only photo is from 20 years ago when he dumped her mom
tuerns out; as hes a hobo, he cant be missing as theres no where to be missing from
secritery sez to find dad herself and get a local to show her around then we get bada55 90s electric guital like in the crow staIRWAY TGO HEAVEN
SO OJEAN CLAUDE GOES UP FOR A JOB BUT THE POSITIONS ARE FILLED and she offers him 100 $ A DAY and he turns it down as he just got the spot as a man of the sea for a while
turns out as the union owns things, he owes them money and he cant work untilk he pays, but he cant make money if he cant work, so he has a few days top make the money
typical unions, getting in the way of everythiing
if my kid was in the uniuon, i;'d carve confederate flags all over him!
so he goes to the chick and agrees to work for her for the money he needs but ne cant drive as he never has aliscence
they talk and he sez his name is chance like jackie chan being chance jackson
she sez her dad was lettering to her or something and they go to this slum to talk with this black guy and get a clue that his tigern styripe sleeping bag was seen soimewhere
she looks through dad stuff andn finds letters and photoes of them and her and i think p0rn0 art that the tbv versioin wont show that he sol for money
they check this guy who denies having dad work for him and smoking a cigar and this creepy guy comes in and jean claude has em leave
dshe wants to go back but jean claude sez work smarter not harder and this cop sez they founfd dads body
the secreitary sez they found him in a burned building and they used dental records to confirm him
so at night the ciugar guy whos a fat a55 gets bet up by lance and creepy guy and his ear lobe is circimsized weith scissions
its revealed cigar guiy hggired the worng guiy for the hunt and as dad had a family now people are looking
i kilnda feel bad for that load, hes so pitiful
creepy guy sez if he comes back hes cutting a steak, which i assume hes gonna eat
chick and jean claude talk about how dad didnt say he was a hobo as he didnt want her to worry
lance checks into jean claude and finds he threw his captain overboard for smuggling drugs and was waised in the bayou by his uncle liek frodo or liunk in the snes game
so hes a cajujn confederate america redneck swamper?
So in America: the ones of french ancestry evolved past their frenchness and became happy jolly Cajuns who are friendly and positive
yet in canada the frenchies were allowed to keep their protoculture which left them to devolve worse than Real frenchies in france and are now a bunch of malcontent, whiny, unbalanced, b==chy, evolutionarily challenged c=ck suckers who just sh=t on everything,
It seems that frenchness is a blight, as is their language and culture
they wanna hunt him and jc looks at the fire place and finds a dog tag with a hole in it
then creepy guy, wait, no its 2 punks, throw a noove on him and take a batr at him
unlike the guy from empire, this is happening and he gets beat up after gettuing in a few hits
he was arreested for crossing the polixcxe tape and he sez the dogtag on the body was 1 and they always come in 2's and he shows the other one and secretary orders a new autopsy
so so lance plays piano to show how cuklturesd and refined he is as hes the bad guy and cigar guy witht eh erar bris meets with black guy who helped chickwho consents to be in the thing they say is a regular job
creepy guy meerts a rich guy who pays to hunt the black guy and lance sez he gives private cuitizens a chance to kill like the gov does
rich guy is told these are vol;unteers and they do it all over da wortld, ebevn Yugoslavia, which i assume is thew serbian partr as we slovenias are good boys
the rich hunting poors for fun? surpirtzed they are allowed to show this, might make people think the rich are into evil and harming the humans
so jc grills cigar guy over who is icing these people and jc sez to tell ther gaijin who he works for that jc is comming for him
secretary tells da autopsy guy to redo it on dad but he wortks for lance and burns the evidence
he tells the lance about the secretary and when lance finds he cant buy her, they are gonna skip town aftert 1 last bunt
dr hears a door knock and creepy guy fires a billet through the eye hole and into his headliem, da joker and the pencil
they wanna go to eastern eutope(aka the GOOD part, except the soviets and ukranians and bosinans and sebrs and, wait,are we the bad guys?)
so at the night the lance meets blkack guy and ghives him 10 000 $ and if he can make it to the river, he can be free
black guiy dont consent but lance tempsts him like the devil in the bible and he consents and getsa a 5 min head staertrr
black guy goes tyhrough a graveyard and rich guy triues to take him out wounds him
rich guy dont wanna finish him and isnt this squyid gamer? did they rip off a jean claude movie?
so black ghuy hghets the gun and shreds the rich guy and runs but runs and the lance ends rich guy who TOTALLY wont be missed by all his employees and fam and media
black guy runs into soempoeople and they ignore him as hes only sayiubnf help me instead of "hes trying to kill me"
he stands there and faces his end on his feet and is shredded by gunfire in front of others and as they used silencers, the guns made minor sound,
thats not how silebcers work!
they dont stoip ALL spound! might as well say "air brakes stop the jet in mid air" like a bugs bunny cartoon!
so jc sees the bnlack guy and cigar guy tries to skip town but creepy guy puts a shotgun to his head and makes like megaton on ironhide in the GOOD transformers movie!
so secerttaruy drives chick andf jc to the cigar guy andthey see his busted car
they creepy guy and his goons come at weem with guns and secretarty egts capped
jc grabs the gun from her hand and caps a few and jumps a a car ood to cap the van as he wounds a driver and jumpo kicks a biker and gets a gun and he aND CHIOOCK LEAVE ICED SECRITARY WHO GOT CAPPED
JC HASD CHICK HOLE THE HANDLEBARS and he and a biiker machine gun at ewach other until the bad guy bites it ads i guess he has higher life
he jumps oiver as blowing bike and he drops off chick and drives it intoa van, jumps over ity from the bike, lands on his feet, and fires on it
it aspliodes for no reason and i think he takes out another van, then her and chick jump on a moving train below em as lance tries to cap em but changes his mind like reses 2 in captain simian and the spACE MONKEYS
THEY PLAN 1 LAST HUNT AND creepy guy and the lance and goons go to the forreest and hunt for jc on his bayou turn
wait, its a buncha rich gusy paying 750 000 $ each to hunt jc
this is yturning into on deadly ground
so chick compalins hlw rough it is and he sez "if its tuff 4 us its tuff 4 em"
all these accent guys are good action heroes like arnld, stallone, jc and dolf
we need toimmy wiseau to do action films, he'd be cool
so he has chiock cloise her eyes and grabs a snake and knowcks it out with a tap,m then bites off its rattle as hes a bada55 cajun redneck and leaves it for the bads
so the bads come by and 1 guy pulls a tripwire and the snake falls on him and bites him, so the bads blow off da snakes head and leave bit guy toi die
then we see wilford brimly making whiskey and jc makes bird sounds to announce his comming himself
its his jllly redneck cajun uncle and hes dressed like super mario
btw cajun dont speak french, like in martin mysters how nova scotiamns dont sound lkike scotlanders
unlike real frenchies and canadian frenchies, the cajuns are Americans and have guns
wasnt this in youngblood how the main guy reunites with his father figure and gets help?
then jc goers off on a horse like hes napolean but not el italiano and the bads come by and shoot up the brimley shack
brimley is out with a BOWE AND ARROW AND fires right past lances head and hits the moonshine
kjt blowsd then hits the dino might and blows the house
he has moonshine, guns, arrows and dino might? what a redneck! i love ity!
then the bads are in a cjopper and find jc on horse a55 sndf fite at him
so did they go all the way back and get a chopper and went around for a while til they found him?
like a mongol warrior, jc take out a ghuy in da chipper from horseback and they cantg him him as they are moving n a cjhopper and jc is moving
thew horse gets it and jc goes on and the bikersd and chase jc through a factory as the chopper lands
as its GOTTA be in as factory
the bads come by in caRS INSTEAD OF CHOPPER FOR SOME REASON AND BRING AN A55 LOAD OF guns
jc hides behind a piller like a ninja and birds popp on the biker
he shreds the pidgeons and jc kicks a gas can at him and fires on it but it blows and throws the biker and bike outta the window, even though jc takes no damage being a few feet away
more guys come in and jc takes 1 more out and birds fly by in slo mo like in faCE/OFF
THERES ALL THESE MARDY GRAH CR-P THERE LOOKING LIKE some daemon temple or that place in the 00s fma and jc comes down on a swan item on a chain and j fks em
a guy blows the swaN WITH A grenade but jc jumps out b4 it hits and i hguess this is a video game so he take sno damaghe fromshrapnel
he punches a guy in ther helmet with his elbow and pulls the guys gun(even though the helmet should protect him) and wastes a guy by holding it upside sdown
wilform come sin and snipers a guy through a float in the neck
chick gets a gun and caps a guy coming at her and brimley mario takes it from her
jc swings from a rope like errol flynn and wilford sniprsa guy about to end jc and chick throws him a gun and he wastes him
wuilform gets hit and then jc shreds more guys wuith gunfire and faces creepy guy on the other side of glass windows
they reload and talk on other sides of a wall like face/off and resume the fight
they ar eequally matched like kenshiro and hyoh and jc takes out morte guys as creepy guy throws a grenade at jc
jc jumps through the window as the grenade goers in and jc caps him and goes on to end more guys
lanced whines for his creepys guy as i guess they were b0ning and jc takes off his shirt to show his arms in a wife beater
hes pretty bnuff, betyter than teh stickbioys we got today
jc jumps ovewr the fire and caps him but he gets away and i think ends wilford
he has the chick captive and a blkade to her necxkso if he is capped the chicvk gets it
jc empties his gun with clicks and has a grenade in a hand
lance asks why he got incolved and jc sez poors get bored too\
he tells chick to load him asnd jkc runs and kciks him out b4 he can be capped
lance gets a fire stick bvut jxc grabs the burning log and remember all ujis homies who got it like its an anime
he breaks the stick, beats him olut, droppm s the grenade in bnis croptch, then sez: hun ting sea son, ees oh va" and kicks him out
lance pulls out the greanade and unlinks the plug, butn the sparks connect and it blows him to h e double soviet france
wilford brimpley is ok i think and jc and chick and him go off as the facroty burns as you GOTTA burn it!
the end!
thjat was bada55
action packed, good stunts, good bada55 jc, and good fights
jc is cool and smart and skilled and there's good editing and slo mo and camera work
woo does it again
lance is good at being evil and the creepy guy is pretty good
the blavck guy is good at being nice and the secxretary has a good journey from worker to friend
i liked it and its well mADE and quite cxool
jean claude is a pretty good asctor even when not perfect in his english
its a cool movie and makes good entertainment, with some subtle hints at lessons
plus the 1 rich guy not wanting to finish him shows there are good rich guys too
oh and da musik iz good
For Hard Target 2 I want jean claude to be on a boating thing and he encounters a ningen in the artic waters hes in and they gotta survivce its encounters, alkso irts a 15 bit sega genesis, snes, tg16 and gba game, oh and atari jaguar, where you gotta outlast the attacks of the ningen on the boat and find ways to keep it off with what itrems you have
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