Uncle Tom's Cabin Review

 Note: I spewll like Tommy Wiseau

Uncle Tom's Cabin

This is my review on Uncle Tom's Cabin from the distant future year (To Uncle Tom) of 1927(1100 years  before Metrppolis)

Its based on a book from the 1800s meeant to make slavery look bad, sorta like the Pro Life Film Unplanned, that my dad read me the Classics Illustrated Comic of in the 90s

I saw the last few mins of this on TCM years ago but not da hole thing

Its directed hy Harry A. Pollard who did nothing I saw

It stars Arthur Edmund Carewe from the 20s 10 commandments/The Phantom of the Opera/Torrent and the 30s Doctor X, George Siegmann from The Avenging Conscience/The Birth of a Nation/Intolerance/ the 20s Oliver Twist/Scaramouche/The Man Who Laughs/The King of Kings/The Red Mill. Virginia Grey from The Great Ziegfeld, Lassie Lou Ahern froom Gasliight, Lucien Littlefield from Rasputin and the Empress, Jack Mower from Mr. Deeds Goes to Town/They Made Me a Criminal/Santa Fe Trail/Sergeant York/The Maltese Falcon/Yankee Doodle Dandy/Mildred Pierce/Thunder Over the Plains/Calamity Jane/the 50s A Star Is Born, Gertrude Astor from The Wicked Darling/The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Matthew Beard Jr. from Captain Blood, Louise Beavers from The Jackie Robinson Story, Francis Ford from Abraham Lincoln\Frankenstein/Stagecoach/The Grapes of Wrath/The Ox-Bow Incident/The Lawless Breed, Eugene Jackson from The Thief of Bag dad/ the 91 The Addams Family, Carla Laemmle ffrom the 30s Dracula/the 20s The Phantom of the Opera, Nelson McDowell from the 20s Oliver Twist, Rolfe Sedan from The Conquering Power/Flesh and the Devil/Young Frankenstein/The Wizard of Oz/Gentlemen Prefer Blondes/Two-Faced Woman, Madame Sul-Te-Wan from Mighty Joe Young/Black Moon/King Kong/The Birth of a Nation/Intolerance/Tarzan of the Apes, Dick Sutherland from Grandma's Boy/The Viking, Clarence Wilson ffrom The Penalty/the 20s The Hunchback of Notre Dame/20,000 Years in Sing Sing/Rasputin and the Empress/Son of Kong/the 30s The Count of Monte Cristo/the 30s A Star Is Born/Son of Frankenstein, anbd a buncha 1800s dudes I never heard of

Its said to have been inspired by aactual events, but 1 souce says thar when Thomas Dixon saw a play of it, he found it so inaccurate, he wrote the books that becamev The Birth Of A Nation

So after Title and Creditrs we get a photo/quote from Robert E Lee saying he don't like Slavery

So looks like The Confederates were more than justr slave owners rights

Like Ben FraNKLIN IN 1776

so its 1856 and in Kentucky is this fam the shelbys who were there since the revolution

they have a gaye olde timee of 1800s fun riding horses AND PLAYEING CROW Kay and having a party for a slave being married

they had this el;iza girl since she was a aby and see her as pasrt of the famioly

thuis  chixcj asks a little bllack girl names salome, after te bible villian, where the kids are and thet jump put and dance singing of the chick, eliza being married

the shelby rents were kind owners and southern gentle folke and this groom is a slasve rented to the shelbys by thge month

sorta like the hollywood studfio system renting out actors?

btw; my grandpa was a slave in 1940s poland, worked on a farm for a poor german fam

a cart of watermellons goes by and 1 goes off and these kids eaty it

shelbys note is due and he sent tom to cincinnati for the money and tom halleyt (2 toms Tom Tom?? The Crow??)  sez uncle tom wont come back as he went to a free state

so eliza and geoege are gettiing married and the slaves say they are almost like Whites, whuixch thwy are played by em and look sorta italiano or portovbuese

so then its night and everyones parttying and dancing and uncle tom comes by

his famn had been withg the shelby's fdor 3 generatiuons abnd he brought thwe money for his owner

tom haley is surprized that uncle toim camew back and uncle tom gos to his cabin with his fam and gives his mom a pipe

ed harris the owner of george comes by to get george and george is in a tree with eliza wanting to buy his freedom and come for her

jarris i mean harris yells for george and is mad geoege married w/o harris's consent and slugs him

george neartly attacks his owner and some chick, wait its shelby wife, wants him to be nicer and offers to buy george

harris sez george aint for sale and pullsgeorge awau while george is making out with eliza and they go

so  time skip years later and george has a young son and eliza is writing on a chalk board with a chick lettes and sh-t

tom haley loaned money to the shelbys over da years and now he wants uncle tom as payment

shelby seez a guy running across the snow area and to the slave house and its boy george who eliza lets in ther window

wait, i think the girl is the son and has long hair

george is running away from his owner and hugs his gilry son who then goes out

turns out his owner is making him marrty another slave tonight and he dont consent

is this like joseph not consenting to the guys woman trying to seduce him as he knew it was a sin?

son goes to see shelby man and hus name is called jim crow and does a little dance for them

george is gonna run off to soviet canada and work to earn her freedom

After the war, my grandpa went to anada and earned enough money to bring his wife and son fom slovenia as the commies took over  and were gonna execute him for goiung against em

so shelby relents and sells  uncle tom to tom haley but it dont cover the while debt

geroge wants to have eliza buy their sons freedom 1st and she sez shelby will never sell him but thom hardy wants to buy the son and sez he'd foreclose in his account if he dont

george goes off and when eliza comes in she hears shelby say he has no choice and now thim gets both tom and son

tom haily checks out eliza as she goes off wiith her son and holds him and in toms cabin, tom is glad the Lord gave him so much good

A Fasmily, Food, A home, Friends

nowadays people have far more and are less happy

eliza busts in and tells tom that shelby sold her son and tom and tom is in shock

you wa shock!

she wants to escape but tom has a sense of duty and won't leave

she runs off in the snow and tommy h is displeased and has trackers with dogs searching

wait its harris with the dogs and tracking his goeorge and they tgrailed him here

harris and haily team up like catwoman and penguin in batman returns and the shelbys hpope they are not caught by h and h

so the dogs are on the trail of eliza and she runs as the horses of h and h follow

rather than be caught, she throwes her kid off a waterfall to spare him the punishment of slavery

jk thats the victor seastrrom thing

really they find a cabit and go in and meet people

h and h come to a n ice river like way down east and decides that as no one can cross it, to stop at the inn for the night

and the ionn is the place the eliza went

she hears through the hdoor that they are looking for george and his fam and this lawyer there gives him a card but its ripped up

lawyer asks for 100 $ for the girl but as the girl belongs to shlby laywer can sell thge girl down the rivber

she hears em and escapes in the wuindow asop when they come in she's gone

they see da window and chase aFTER AND she gets to the water fall by the river of ice flows and jumps across them like a mario game

the dogs follow and fall in da water and she falls in but goes on

pphienas fletcher is a quaker from a free state on the side of the river and sees her and tells her to hurry cuz the falls are below

he hangs under a tree and grabs her as her ice flow is going over and they comehow climb up and escape

althopugh she's in a free state, the Dred Scott Ruling said slaves were still slaves even in free states, like how in the 70s the supreme court ruled the unborn had  noi rights, but worse as slaves can be freed and once you chop up that kid, its dead

phienas sez to eliza  her husnband cross da riuver and is heading for soviet canada butr she sees the lawyer in the window and he wants to sell her down the river for money

the cops come for em and it fades out to uncler toim beign sold down trhe river and put in chains 

augustine st claire of new orleans and his cousin ms ophelia are there and little eva is this blonde girl who is being nice to the slaves on the lower decks of the river steamer by giving em treats

she looks like a young lillian gish from the birth of a nationwith that dress and hair

she meets uncle tom and comforts him as he';s bummed and boy geoerge si working on the river steamer and searching for his womana nd child

he sees hardy and harris i think and tries to hide but hardy catches him and is gonna sell him back

but he jumps into rhe furnace of the river steamer as he'd rather be in h=ll than a slave

jk really he goes back to work on feeding logs to it

eliza and her son, whos called harry now, are chained and gonna be sold down the river on the steamer thats arriving

george runs and is by the warter wheel as it stops as the boatpulls in and swims out from it

eliza sees tom in chains and is drivcen onward by a whip after a meeting and little eva wants to have her dad buy him

lawyer and his whip man tell eliza haleys on board and if she ewants to keep her kid to stay low

evas dad augustine buys tom and he';s happy to have a kind master

whipo guy and lawyer and a 3rd guy are gonna, a plantationowner, are there and he buys eliza for 400 $, which was a lot in the 1800s

lawyer has whip guy use what looks liejm a ciugarete of t=mpon to lure the son over and as he comes, mon unconsciously grabsd his shoe and it comes off

son goes on and gets the t=mpon and they get him and take him off as he spazzes out

later mom wakes up and the plantation owner has left as the boat pulls in

kid breaks free and runs back and is caughtand she sees him and runs out

lawyser and whipo are there and she fights em and runs out onto the cart and grabs her kid but ius pulled off

she gets the whip and wails on whip guy but he overpowers her and the kid is taken off

so lincon is elected and the elites and the media hate him for being against their racket to prey on the innocent by saying they ain't REAL people

Totally not like Trump and The Unborn

in april 12 1861 friday; fort sumter is attacked and the civil war starts

but the uniuon was treating the south likwe Amnerica treats mexico and viewed them as lesser and worse

so little eva is brightening up toms life and he reads that lincon is gonna free the slaves

btw the book was wriotten in the 1850s and the movie moves it forward with things we know hap[pened later

;ike the 60s ver of The time Machine with WW1 and 2

meanwhile this black kid called topsy like hanks dads friend in king of the hill is jiding behind this nerd chick in thionk ms opfeila and ms o calls for him

wait, i think topsys a girl and brings flowers to little eva

man they made topsy looks ret-rded

so ms 0 calls topsy  who cartwheels over liek sportacuz and has a long ribbon hidden in her cllothes that ms o takes out like a clown or magician

topsy says she never saw it b4 and is shook by ms o for lying and more cr-p falls outta her clothes

no woonder she's ret-rded; sje got shook all night long

after some blurred vison from brain damage; she admits to stealing the gloves but denies the ribbit

then joyfully wants the whip, only to freak out when ms o whips her a55

augustine come sin and i mean comes in and sez to take care of topsy and topsy and eva sit and eva tries to get her to be good but topsy thinks its her skin that makes her bad

little eva sez she can be lobed if black and topsy thionks they cant be loved

so little eva saez she loves topsy and topsy cries at this friendship

its like degrassi but hetero

eva sez to be good as she might not be here long and topsy  freaks out

thern we see a glow around little eva;'s head like a halo of a saint

then topsy is powdering her face with make ip and ms o comes in and topsy sez she wanted to look White for little eva

then little eva bite sit and we see an etherial thing of an Angl carryoing out her soul inot the light and its pretty well done

later topsy brings her a flower and ms o catches her and topsy wishes to be dead too

ms o comforts the topsy and says she will love her and then augustine bites it and his property is sold at auction

simon legree, who was laster reused in birth of a nation, is a cruel yankee slave owner and buys tom

btw wwasnt there a war going on? is this like suddenly last summer in late 30s spain where a guy goes on vacation?

so simon buys i think elizza and meanwhile, boy george is looking for the guy whjo  owns his son

on legrees plantation, man it looks like a DUMP, simom slugs out a slave for spilling beer, did they have it in those bottles in the 1860s?

simon ttries to b0ne eliza and this slave cassy who's son was sold years ago is lkistening in anbd when simon goes to see her at da door, eliza gets awau

cassy dont want her place as taken by eliza and simon is gonna send her to the slave quarters but sahe sez simnons afraid of her

man simon looks devolved

so these 2 slaves get tom in trouble for prayimg, as i guess simon is a democrtat, and tell tom to whip cassy

btw; thats to a Republican President hated by the elites and media, The Courts have ruled that you can't fire someone for Praying

What kinda commie satanist fires someone for praying?! What next? arresting someone for not believing in obvious lies?

So tom dont consent to whipping her so simon slugs him and sez he owns tom, body and souil

tom sez simon owns his body but the soul belongs to The Lord

because of Toms faith; joss whedon simon has Tom whipped

themn the yankees attack tthe south, which is seen as a "good" thing, but its more like the Soviets attacking Getmanmy in WW2 sand raeping all the women

wait,m why are the people welcoming iun the tyankkees? i thought this was tthe south! This makes no sense!

then again; we have Americans hating on America and siding with the enemy

So as the slaves play music, cassy tends to Tom and Tom tries to help her heal from her pastt

cassy was taught to be Whitre but then theyy sold her baby to a man called shelby and sold her down the river

tom sez that's elizas story and shhelby was his master too and cassy realizes that eliuza is here as both got sold to the simeon

cassy goes to see simon as he creeps on her like woody allen on kid chichi from dragon ball and she thropws eliza on da floor

cassy saez elizas trying top steal her man and whips eliza but after chasing her inbto a room, and cllosding the door, locks it and says to eliza that shes her mom

theyu have a mother and hild reunion like that degrassi ep was called and simon comes to the door so cassy whips the area and her and eliza escape from the window

thet come to toms place and simon sees em and cassy sez simeon thinks his victimns gghosts hauint the attic so thet go up there

simeon asks tom where they went and slugs him when he dont tell as the union aRMYY approaches w/o any oif em knowing

then da weind blowes and simon hears soundds in da attic and tom sez its da ghosts

wait that wasnt tom as now they brought him in and simon is gonna wack him if he dont tell em where the women are

tom dont consent so they whip him offscreen, which meantr they're b0ning him in the reall version

so after the whipping, tom forgives themn and bites it and simon starts going nuts, and dtrinking then seeing toms ghost

which makes no sense as 1st: Tom is not vengeful, he's a good Christian whgo takes no revenge

2nd: The book ends with tom biting it, so this extra bit is all filler and non canon

3rd: There's no supernatural thing in the book, its like having a lAW AND oTder ep where it has McCoy blowing a hole in a  guy wioth a Ki Blast

4th; it goes against the theme of the book! ‫Its meant to show slavery as unfair, ending with the slave owner being punished is like ending romeo and juliette with them being revived and living happy

so simon goes up stairs after a see through possibly imaginaryyuncle tom and sees tthe attic wioth wind, so he sends him slaves up and wjhip[s em when they fear

so they go in and eventually find eliza and cassy, then the slaves run out in fear

the yankees comeand the slaves try to get help from em

cassy fights siimon ewoth a knife or pointed stick or somnething and sinon gets it but eliza hits him and cassy gets the whip aand wails on him

geoerge hears eliza calling andhe with his kid go up as simon gets the whiop and is gonna enmd em

thearmy is comming and somin sees tiom there anmd attacks him but he keeps vanishing

i think this is what star wars ep 008 the last jedi riopped poff

tom ghost is out a window and simnon walks out as he's an idiot and bites it

tthe army is all in there asthey have nothing better to do and elliza sees her son there and reuinites

boy geortge is there too and ttheyt hug and we get a vision of the union army above em as "His Triuth Is MarChing On" plays, wait, wasmn't thatr in Birth of a Nation?

the end

well, that was well made

yeahh it changed a lot,m but unlike bram stokers dracula, it wasnt a f==king p0rn0

it also skipped the thing of augustine wanting to free tom but getting iced and i think a part of top helping eva

liike the kevin smith he man; the focus isnt on the title character, but rather the female friend

except this didn't s=ck and the female character was likable and had heart

I'm not sure how accurate this was, but it didf show that masters could be kind, instead of showing anytone who owned a slave as some kind of devoluionized barbarian who is irredeemable

the filming and action werer well done and the acting was good

the characters stood out and you could twll who was who easy

nice effects for the blizzard and good shhost effects

its a decent version of the story and has themes that hold up today

hglad i saw it

for Uncle Tom's Cabin 2 I want it to be about eliza and her fam trying to manage in the world now that they are free and the issues they encounter, also its a 128 bit game on GameCube, Xbox, ps2 and DreamCast where  you play as menbers of the family and try to handle a farm like in Harvest Moon and deal weith things like regegade ex slaves and the klan