Monday, October 30, 2017

Interview With The Vampire Review

note; tommy wiseau is a better vampire. and I spell like he talks
interview with the vampire
this is my revirw on interview ith a vampire
its based on a book by some chick Spider-Man mentioned in the 90s series in the vampire eps on fox kids
its got toim cruise and brad bitt
plus kirstin dunst from Spider-Man in the 00s
it starts in san fran sicko with that bridge from sonic adventure 2
ooh antoino banderas is in his
and Christian slater
ooh stan Winston did the effects
he did great in batman returns, pumpkinhead and Edward scissorhands
good music
gothic like batman the animated series
then brad pitt gives a interview with some radio guy(maybe slater)
he sez hes a vampire
brad pitt has a fruity ponytail
he looks like a purvurt
and turns on a light faster than humans can see
in the distant future year of 1791 brad was 24 and owned a plantation in new orleens
his woman and kid bit it and he snapped
a guy accuses him of cheating in a card game and pulls a gun on him
so brad opens his shirt to show his man t-ts
brand wants to go to h-ll to be with his fam
later while out with a h-0ker and getting his thing sucked, tommy wiseau I mean tom cruise jumps him and sucks his neck
is this a p0rn0?
they float and he drops brad in the water
the next day brad pitt wakes up and tom cruise is standing beside his bed
he offers brad a new life and sells it as cool
the next day he saw his last sunrise
u looked at the sun?! dumba5!
ur burn ur eyes out!
in the 1700s brad pit looked girly
then tom cruise b0nes him or something
then offers him a choice
brad pitt consents and tom cruice slits his wrist and brad sucks him
if this were the 80s it might be aids
then brad pitt turns
as brad lays there with his head back his neck looks phallllic
does that make him a d-ck head?
after turning, his senses are heightened
he tells slater words cant describe it
and crosses and heart stakes are made up
but coffins are real
after a night I mean day in 1 he goes out with tom cruise and they suck this chick
brad drinks her mouth blood and tom drinks her cut wrist
was that supposed to be b0ning?
later at brads place brad nearly eats a slave
then tom cruice bits a rat and pours it into brads glass
brad don't wanna ice people if he can live off animals
but tom sez its not good enuff to be worth it
is vampirism a thing for secks addiction?
and their victims are those they b0ne?
cuz that's what i'm seeing here
brad sez tom has 2-3 vics a night
later at a party its revealed tom can read minds
and knows this chick had her husband iced and blamed a slave
but brad cant read it
brad and tom go out with her and her bf
and eat em
but brad eats her dogs
she calls him a murderer(spoiler; u cant "murder" an animal.)(I iced 100 fruit flies in an hour. am I the next gacy?)
and tom ices her
brad attacks tom and tom enjoys it
later tom talks about being from paRIS and so was the guy who turned him
but tom didn't consent
later brad pitts slave sez the other slaves fear brad and tom
brad sucks her arm and she freaks out
after he ices her he goes out and tells his slaves the p[lace is bad and hes evil and theyre free
I think they need paperwork to be legally freed
then brad torches his home
tom comes in all b--chy and pulls brad out
he wakes up in a cemetery and tom questions if there is a h-ll
they rent rooms in new orleens like where candy man 02 farewell to flesh happened
actually this is set around the same time as that
candyman would be around their age too
later brad pitt is b0ning a chick kinda and sucks blood out her t-t
tom don't like t-ts so he gets her wrist
wait, I think it was tom drinking from her b00b
he offers brad a glass of blood but he don't consent
then tom seals her in a coffin
then lets her out and she begs for help from brad
brad wont ice her so tom sucks her neck
late out in the rain brad sucks a rat
1 guy walking by sez theres a plague
he finds Kirsten dunst alone
her moms rotting and dad ditched em
he then sucks tat 8 year old
I thought he was gay
tom comes in and dances with the rotting mom
brad runs out going mental over eating a kid
tom comes in and sez pain is worse foe him cuz hes a vamp
then uses twisted logic of "evil being a p o v" and seeing vampires as Godlike
but vamps are evil and God is holy
its like saying water is dry or fire is cold
except vampire hunter D, alucard from Castlevania and vampirella
maybe blacula
but they kinda run on unholy ki so they still count as bad
most of em
tom takes brad to a room with kirstin dinst whos somewhat alive
tom is gonna give her his blood but brad objects
he gives it anyway
she really sucks him
and she turns
tom then gets her a woman to suck
they become some kind of unholy family
going around icing people to feed on
as time goes on they eat more people
and she gets night classes in piano and cr-p
tom trained her to be more skilled at icing people
sort of a mini me
years later they are still together
btw, if tom cruise is fro france, why don't he gotta accent?
later kirstin dunst wants to grow up to be a pretty woman one day
shes always gonna be 8 no matter how long she lives
is this a pedo movie?
tom gives her a doll but she has so many she snaps and throws her dolls
under her dolls is a lady shew wanted to be like she iced and kept
she wants to change so she cuts her hair
but it instantly grows back
she gets b--chy and p-ssed at tom cruise for turning her
brad comforts her but she hates tom cruise for making her a pedo fantasy
later brad tells how brad fed on her and tom filled her with his blood
its like they both made her
but w/o being pregnant
now she hates brad pit
its ok
a lot of people do
hes kind of a d-ck
later she forgives brad and says some semi seductive stuff to him
she wants to have them escape tom cruise
later tom cruise talks about wanting a hot babe with great curves that kirstoin dunst cant have
I thought he was gay!
maybe hes  just being a d-ck to her
then kirstin bring in young boys she sez are drunk
I think theyre boys
hard to tell with these 1800s people
maybe hermaphrodites
after he feeds on em she revals they were dead and she used drugs to keep the blood warm
as he drank dead blood it f'd him up
then kirstin slices his throat and he bleeds all over
he kinda rots and she dumps him in da swamp
see you in h-ll tom cruise
then a gater comes after his a55
brad feels for tom
they were gonna go to Europe and studied olde vampire legendes
b4 they go they are gonna set the pet birds free
feeling for birds but icing humans?
how PETA
then tom cruise comes in all decroded after feeding on gaters and swamp things and reviving
he looks like tommy wiseau
he attacks but brad throws a lamp a him and he goes around flaming
the whole place goes up
see you in h-ll tom cruise
wtf the whore town goes up
they go to Europe eating passengers on da boat
they search Europe for other vamps but find nothing but vampire myths
get the myth busters!
he also sez Dracula as by"a demented Irishman"
that's racist
In soviet paris he meets some vampires
1 dances on the ceiling
the background looks like the cabinet of dr caligari or der golem 1920
later brad and dunst go to a play with vampires playing vampires
on the play they eat a chick and tear off her clothes
ohhh, on abc spark it shows her nips
at like 2 am
btw these actor vampires look and sound kinda like tommy wiseau
the 1st time I saw this, around this point my plus size gf called me on da phone and I missed da rest
I've seen da hole thing since
after the show this big bad actor vamp invites brad and kirstin in
ohh its anton banerdas
he acts kinda fruity btw
is this a gay thing?
san fran sisco
2 guys raising a kid
the signs are all there
anton (I call him dat after my grandmas dad from Slovenia in da 1800s) tries to get him to rethink good/evil
also anton is over 400 and the oldest living vamp
after chatting with him they leave and anton reads his mind
they learn he iced another vamp and that's a capital offence
yeah but icing countless humans is ok?
its like eating octopus is ok but you cant eat a dog(which is vastly inferior to octopi in iq and coolness)
at home kirstin dunst sez anton wants to break up her and rad and for him to have brad
gay or pedo; choose one brad
later brad sees anton I think about kirstin
anton sez most vampires cant take being immortal
brad reveals his ex was tom cruise and anton knew him
later Kristin wants brad to turn a woman for her
she wants a mom after having 2 dads for decades
she gets b--chy then sez its cuz she loves him and ants someone if he leaves her
he turns her
then the actor vamps capture them
they gon execute the chix and lock brad pit in a box forever
like in the hunger with david bowie
they try to get us to feel for these inhuman killers
I don't
burn in h-ll brad pitt
brad is sealed in a wall and the chicks are put in a room with no roof
cant they crawl out?
vamps can walk on ceilings and walls
oh theres a cage bars on da top
the sun eventually gets em
anton frees brad but cant save kirstin
brad finds her as charcoal
he otta p-ss on her and rehydrate her
but she crumbles to dust like starscream in transformers the movie
brad looks like a zoolander male model as he stares at the guy who iced em
then he gets revenge by soaking the place in oil and torching it
he also slices em up with a scythe\
but hes too fruity to be bada55
then slices in 2 the guy who iced the kirstin dunt
he goes out and outta the fog comes a carriage and it saves his a55
its anton I think
they get together and he wants to learn from anton
but he turns down the invite to learn and wanders da urth
years later its the 20s and he watches nosferatu and sunrise
the gone with the wind and superman
did he just watch movies for 60 yeas?
later hes back In new orleens
he goes to a crypt and finds rotted tom cruise
he still didn't recover after all these years?
he calls brad pit beautiful
after some fruity dialogue about wanting and not resisting eachother a chopper comes by and its light and sound freaks tom out
tom cruise gets dumped by brad pit
he dont know what happened with tom cruise after dat
now he just sorta lives
but he sez theres all there is
slater wants to be a vamp
or his homie
but brad gets p-ssed and holds him by 1 hand
then vanishes and slater books it in his red convertible
he drives by the sonic adventure 2 bridge and listens to the recording
then outta nowhere tom cruise jumps in and sucks him
hes healed from this despite not healing for like 150 years
he changes the radio to a song about the devil
then drives across the sonic bridge as the sun starts to rise
wtf it was pitch black seconds ago
the end
that was actually kinda good
I like the 90s ness of it
like blacula its from the vampires p o v
theres not much cgi and it looks better than most films now
esp with actual matter on film and better looking colors than most dull stuff now
weird how a dark vampire night film has better colors and brightness than most normal day films
for interview with the vampire 2 i'd want it to be a post apocalyptic movie where brad pitt is a vampire overlord who has enslaved all of California. tom cruise rebelled against him and brad iced his a55. but president ted nugent has had anti vampire items and armor and weapons developed and sends a bad a55 80s style guy to take out tom cruise and fight through his vampire and human slaves. its also an up 2 4 player beat em up on sega genesis, snes and gba and you fight through areas of California to free it from evil rule with brad pitt as the game boss and a cyberized slave tom cruise as his miniboss under his control.

1 comment:

  1. I remember this being where Kirsten Dunst kinda got her start at 12. :-)