Friday, October 13, 2017

Snake Woman Review

Note; Spelling right is for nerds. i'm more of a 90s guy. homie
Snake woman
this is my review of snake woman (1961)
I never saw this film but its a classic horror that's only 68 mins so this could be fun
after a united artists logo we get narration
in some place at 1890 in November this cr-p happened
btw this is in b/w
but in widescreen
then we get credits
wtf these names sound like britz
so this nerd in his lab hears crying and gets snake venom from a snake
to quote that mel brooks movie; they put a live snake up your a55!
he then tries to give this chick a shot of snake venom
he sez its gonna fix her crazy brain
but she sez shes preggers and worries of her kid
but he don't care about his wife and child. only his science
well, he IS britidsh!
he needles her with da venom
then she starts pooping out her baby
he runs to get a dr
cut to after da dr pooped her out baby
the baby is cold but fine
the midwife has powers and senses evil from the kid
btw its a girl
also the baby has no eyelids
the mom must've done toad(family guy ref)\\
mom sees the kid and it hisses
then she bites it
it sucked out her soul!
its the seventh sign all over again!!
the midwife freaks out and tries to assassinate the baby
how liberal
the men stop her despite being English and she runs off
this movies f'd up
besides; the baby can be taught good
or trained to resist evil
in alien resurrection; i think it would be cool if they trained her hybrid beige son to function in society
like that contra game with an alien player.
it would be cool to see an alien fighting aliens.
also, i think it getting shredded and torn up in the window hole is a reference to abortion
joss whedons f'd up
the midwife arouses the villagers into a mob y telling em the baby will kill em all
nerd sez maybe its better his daughter bites it
but the dr sez its important the kid lives
for science and cr-p
dr takes the kid but hes gotta go to africa for some reason tomorrow
the villagers think the snakes are evil and waste em
you know snakes eat rats right?
at my grandpa's farm in da 90s I caught a snake with my bare hands when I was like 4
I showed my mom and she freaked out
also my cool 90s aunts daughter has a pet snake
I had a pet tarantula
after bustin up his place and somehow it catches fire, main guy bites it in his own home as the villagers left him to bite it
so the villagers are murderers
the dr gives the baby to this beard guy for 1 night til the dad gets her
oh and beardo's dad I mean dog don't like the kid
dogs hate me too
we otta gas em
that's a waste of gas
just use a hammer!!
so I guess we timeskip as the baby is now a little girl
either that or its like species
beardo plays the flute and the girl does something to an animal offscreen
btw the nerd was b0ning his wife while she was crazy
20 years after this started 1910; dr comes back from Africa
he finds the nerd bit it and beardo was raising her
also shes had some good and not experiences and moods
oh and the girl disappeared years ago
and her name is a snake name
so much exposition
btw lucky the mom pooped her out that day
what with the dr going to Africa for 20 years
dr looks at the nerds house and theres snakes
after he leaves the ghirl is in a tight top and has kinda 80s-ish hair
later a guy bits it
a man identifies the hand wound at a king cobra bite
the guy who identified it is a colonel who served in india
later at Scotland yard 2 brits talk about the colonel sending them a note of the snake girl haunting the village
the higher rank brit sends a cop cuz he respects the colonel
I assume in the real version they were butt buddies in the war
the cop gets a gun
i'm surprised that's allowed in soviet England
so cop goes to da village and h0ly cr-p we're over 30 mins in already
this films half over
so cop meets colonel(not the mega man x4 guy) and every year someone in the village bites it from a snake
they talk about the nerd and cr-p that happened in the 1st half
colonel has a flute for charming snakes and gives it to cop
the cop is like crow from Yugioh 5ds as he pops in 1/2 through the story and becomes the main guy
he walks by playing the flute and meets snake girl
they talk and he nearly kills a snake for being poisonous
but she saves it from his racist attack
she knows what its like to be hated for being herself
she vanishes and meets the midwife whos also a witch
but she don't identify as one
shes still a witch though
just a denier
so she gets out a voodoo doll and sez now only cop can stop the snake girl
he has cop cap the voodoo doll 3x
now snake girl will bite it from 3 shots from the cops gun
later cop talks with colonel about the last night
he sez de snake gurl had cold skin
later another guy bites it
1 guy sez; snake or girl or witch i'll make her pay
but its a witch who set them after her
its revealed those biting it bite it from 2 different poison kinds
later the last guy who bit its dad goes after da girl and wastes a snake in front of her
she looks at him and he falls and later they find him with he snake he iced
dr sez hes gonna do wat he should've done years ago
colonel checks the body and sez its not as simple as he thought
dr goes after snake girl
but she turns into a snake and bites his parts offscreen
colonel sez the son bit it from a normal snake but da dad from cobra
colonel sez he looked over the notes of da nerd and rehashes what we saw b4 about the venom injections turning the baby snake
everyones already put dat together
and theres like 10 mins left in diss film
so cop has dinner at a bar (its not a pub! dats brit talk!) and chats with a chick
he plays the flute and she sez he s-cked
normal girls don't like it
maybe snake girl has a music fetish(is dat real??)
cop goes out with da flute and finds a big thing of human skin
midwife/witch is there and sez his destiny is to stop snake girl and to go to the nerd burned down house
colonel goes to da bar and talks to the barmaid about cop playing the flute
colonel goes off to help cop
the villagers start having a mob and witch/midwife sends em to nerds burned home
cop finds dr's body
cop finds snake girl and is understanding
he tries to help her
colonel calls and she turns cobra
he caps it
the mob arrives and they see the snake unfade into the girl
they say she's bit it
cop gives his report and higher rank cop burns it
the end
that was pretty good
not high octane or edgy but its well made
sorta like the 1st x men movie
calm and good pacing
btw I wrote the nerd thing b4 the movie started. the dad being a nerd was not intended as a ref as that
for snake woman 2 I want the witch to be revealed to have been the bad guy and turned the village against the snake girl as she had a destiny to beat her. she starts ww1 and Europe is getting f;d up. so the cop tries to find a magic jewel that can unkill the snake girl and allow her to stop the witch/midwife. its also a platform game on sega genesis and snes where you play as the cop going across Europe to find the magic jewel and in the 2nd half of the game you play as the snake girl with new powers and take on tougher enemies and bosses made by the witch. actually, make it in the 1st part of the level you get a piece of the jewel and revive the snake girl a bit, and the 2nd act you play as her to beat the night enemies(the 1st act is daytime in villages during ww1 and you avoid French soldiers and brits who are working for the witch who has mind controlled the king by using his evil to twist him)

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