The Homesman Review

note; i spell horse. canadian horse!!!

the homesman

this is my review on the homesman from the distant future year (to the characters in it) of 2014

its got hilary swank and that malcontent meryl streep.

also jon lithgow and james spader

its directed by tommy lee jones from captain america the 1st avenger and was produced by luc besson who also did taken and some frenchie cr-p

its set in the dustant futuristuc year of 1855 (to the castlevania guys) and oh tommy lee jones stars in it

so over opening creditz we get swank working the farm in this mad max wasteland but less color

its all gray and dead

remember gone with the wind? it had bold vivid colors.

might as well forget that happened as now its all cr-ppy

i blame high def

so some guy comes by and she givres him a pie made of peaches from a can

it was a big deal in the slavery days

also she plays a fake piano and sings and he gives her some cheese

man, things were cr-ppy then

and the film is just starting

nowadays all these teens whine about little problems and people back then were so happy with the little things

little c-ck suckers

so she asks him to marry her and he don't wanna cuz shes too bossy

they try to make him look bad for that

yet if a girl had the same view on a guy she didn't wanna marry she'd look justified

then we see people on a farm where the animals bit it

then they throw a body outside in the winter

was that a flashback?

h-ll if i know

its not really clear whats when

later swank chats with jon lithgow about her doings on the farm

later we see this ugly guy b0ning thois chick and later she has a little baby she throws in the outhouse

thats kinda awful

that kid did nothing wrong

later jon wants people to go on a mission and 1 guy dont wanna go cuz hes needed on da farm

they need to escort these chicks across some trip

they draw beans and they want the guy who left to go

swank dont rust him so she volunteers cuz she can ride as well as any man

well, lillian gish was better with a gun than most men

and not just the gon-phobes

so later swank chex out da wagon for da trip and its newly tuned up

there's a bolt in a door to lock it to keep em from getting out

the rider guy sez sswank's as much a man as any man there

is that a ref to her movie boy's dont cry?

i thought this was a historical film

its like if michael j fox was in a samurai film and they say "you'll be better in the future"

I mean it works in double dragon cuz that movie isnt srs

so later swank goes out and jon (who's a priest) meets herand says a prayer.

thats nice

meanwhile, some guys want the house tommy lee jones has and drop a thing in the chimney that blows out the windows and doors

he survives this

tommy sez the last owner abandoned it and he filed papers

rather than just pop a cap in his a55, they string him up and leave him with a horse under him

eventually swank fins him and makes him swear to follow her orders and frees him to work as her slave

they go by the house and swank tells him the owner went back to get a wife

so he gets his cr-p and go to her home

she tells him of their mission and he dont care for it

also this foreign fam from b4 who threw the body out are kinda going crazy

later this chick (i cant tell who's who as they all dress the same and we dont getta good look at their faces) sez they outta corn and gotta burn cobs

later tomme hides in the wagon so he wont be recognized and has swank buy ammo and booze

she puts bank notes for 300$ in an envelope and sez she'd mail it to their destination for him

but keeps it in her clothes

they find a 19 year old wife to a 21 year old man and sghes a vegetable

as they drtive away the husband b--ches at her for not loving him

then they pick up a crazy chick who acts like a werewolf

they gotta keep her tied up

the husband here recognizes tommy and tries to cap him but swank pulls a gun on husband and tommy b--chslaps him

then we see the foreigners b0ning and theres a vegetable woman in the bed with em

european p0rn0 is weird

then swank gets to this family placy and the moms mental

after getting her and comforting the kids they drive on and 1 of em is moaning

on the way swank tells her backstory and i guess those were flashbacks as they match her story

later its snowing (or maybe it raned cocanum) and they have the mental patients out and get em breakfast

i chick is banging her head on da wagon wheel

1 crazy chick has a doll she cares for like a kid

after bathing em in a stream and a scene of a chick going kinda qweird with her t-ts, they go on and find indian corpses on wood things and tommy takes 1 buffolo hide from 1

later tommy tells a story that i dont really get cuz he uses rancher lingo

later they see some indians and tommy goes to meet em

he gives swank a gun and sez if they ice him she can cap herself and the women so they wont be b0ned dead

tommy gives em a horse they'll probably eat according to tommy and they go on

later the chicks fight over the doll and 1 kicks the other in the face like chun li

late either a horse or girl gets away and they look for her

turns out it was a girl and they find her with a cowboy who wants to b0ne her and tommy confronts him

they agree to fight over her and winner gets her

sounds like a bad jrpg

the fight and tommys losing so the chick caps cowboy in the head

later they find a hole in the ground and tommy sez indians dug it up for the clothes

maybe wolves

oh its a grave

swank stays behind and fixes it up and prays

then rides back on a horse tommy left her

along the way it snows and she eats wild plants

when she finds em she gets all b--chy and whines

later swank suggests marrying tommy but he sez he tried farming with a chick but ditched her after he got sick of it

tommy sez he deserted from the dragoons (or so THE LEGEND goes)

later a chick tries to seduce tommy and they b0ne

wat i think its swank

and the crazy chicks watch

europe hAS weoird p0rn0es

i mean soviet europe

later sank hung herself and tommy tells off the crazy chix for driving her to it

after berrying her tommy ditches the crazies and goes off

but the chix follow and tommy looks after em

btw does hilary sank die in all her films?

i now she bit it in boys dont cry and amelia

shes like a 20th century lon chaney

later tommy comes by a hotel and wants baths and food

at there he meets the owner who's james spaders (and the giant peach(the peach is his b0nar))

james sez hes got investers coming and they cant spare em a room

to be fair, its his place and he shouldnt bre forced to have people he dont want

he sees the women and they're crazy and he turns em down

tommy pulls a gun on him burt james homie pulls one on tommy and kix his a55 out

tommy lewves and sez them doing this will f em up and make their food block their poop chute and they're die in their own sh-t

real classy

as he goeshe drives over their signs and comes back at night to torch the place

what a b--ch

huh, this was based on an 1988 novel

so eventually he gets to the jon priests place and tells his wife swank bit it from a fever

he drops the chix off and the wife of priest jon gives him a blessing

after getting cleaned up he goes to a card game but is kicked out for not being "socialy acceptable" what ever that means

later he gives advice to haily steinfeld and asks her to marry even though hes like 50 years older than her

later he goes to a party at night and dances.

the end

that was pretty well made

it was dark and depressing but it wasnt horrible

it showed how the imperfect people in that era lived

sorta like how Mel Gibson's The Passion showed how dark it was back then

i liked this but not in a fun away

its like schilndlers list or hotel rwanda

showing history as it was

its a good well made movie that shows what people suffered through to let us have our lives now

like saving private ryan

I didn't see her suiciding coming

good twist

sorta like psycho but not so soon

for the homesman 2 i want tommy lee to go on another mission to get crazy women back to their homes but one of the women has psychic powers from beign crazy and can make things melt with her mind. she gets loose and starts melting people and they have to ezsscape through town and mountains and caves to get awy. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis, snes, Atari jaguar tg16 and gba where you play as tommy lee and get through this h-llscape of a burning city and wasteland and caves and mountain and fight cannibals and wild animals and Indians to get away,.