Sunday, June 16, 2019

The Homesman Review

note; i spell horse. canadian horse!!!
the homesman
this is my review on the homesman from the distant future year (to the characters in it) of 2014
its got hilary swank and that malcontent meryl streep.
also jon lithgow and james spader
its directed by tommy lee jones from captain america the 1st avenger and was produced by luc besson who also did taken and some frenchie cr-p
its set in the dustant futuristuc year of 1855 (to the castlevania guys) and oh tommy lee jones stars in it
so over opening creditz we get swank working the farm in this mad max wasteland but less color
its all gray and dead
remember gone with the wind? it had bold vivid colors.
might as well forget that happened as now its all cr-ppy
i blame high def
so some guy comes by and she givres him a pie made of peaches from a can
it was a big deal in the slavery days
also she plays a fake piano and sings and he gives her some cheese
man, things were cr-ppy then
and the film is just starting
nowadays all these teens whine about little problems and people back then were so happy with the little things
little c-ck suckers
so she asks him to marry her and he don't wanna cuz shes too bossy
they try to make him look bad for that
yet if a girl had the same view on a guy she didn't wanna marry she'd look justified
then we see people on a farm where the animals bit it
then they throw a body outside in the winter
was that a flashback?
h-ll if i know
its not really clear whats when
later swank chats with jon lithgow about her doings on the farm
later we see this ugly guy b0ning thois chick and later she has a little baby she throws in the outhouse
thats kinda awful
that kid did nothing wrong
later jon wants people to go on a mission and 1 guy dont wanna go cuz hes needed on da farm
they need to escort these chicks across some trip
they draw beans and they want the guy who left to go
swank dont rust him so she volunteers cuz she can ride as well as any man
well, lillian gish was better with a gun than most men
and not just the gon-phobes
so later swank chex out da wagon for da trip and its newly tuned up
there's a bolt in a door to lock it to keep em from getting out
the rider guy sez sswank's as much a man as any man there
is that a ref to her movie boy's dont cry?
i thought this was a historical film
its like if michael j fox was in a samurai film and they say "you'll be better in the future"
I mean it works in double dragon cuz that movie isnt srs
so later swank goes out and jon (who's a priest) meets herand says a prayer.
thats nice
meanwhile, some guys want the house tommy lee jones has and drop a thing in the chimney that blows out the windows and doors
he survives this
tommy sez the last owner abandoned it and he filed papers
rather than just pop a cap in his a55, they string him up and leave him with a horse under him
eventually swank fins him and makes him swear to follow her orders and frees him to work as her slave
they go by the house and swank tells him the owner went back to get a wife
so he gets his cr-p and go to her home
she tells him of their mission and he dont care for it
also this foreign fam from b4 who threw the body out are kinda going crazy
later this chick (i cant tell who's who as they all dress the same and we dont getta good look at their faces) sez they outta corn and gotta burn cobs
later tomme hides in the wagon so he wont be recognized and has swank buy ammo and booze
she puts bank notes for 300$ in an envelope and sez she'd mail it to their destination for him
but keeps it in her clothes
they find a 19 year old wife to a 21 year old man and sghes a vegetable
as they drtive away the husband b--ches at her for not loving him
then they pick up a crazy chick who acts like a werewolf
they gotta keep her tied up
the husband here recognizes tommy and tries to cap him but swank pulls a gun on husband and tommy b--chslaps him
then we see the foreigners b0ning and theres a vegetable woman in the bed with em
european p0rn0 is weird
then swank gets to this family placy and the moms mental
after getting her and comforting the kids they drive on and 1 of em is moaning
on the way swank tells her backstory and i guess those were flashbacks as they match her story
later its snowing (or maybe it raned cocanum) and they have the mental patients out and get em breakfast
i chick is banging her head on da wagon wheel
1 crazy chick has a doll she cares for like a kid
after bathing em in a stream and a scene of a chick going kinda qweird with her t-ts, they go on and find indian corpses on wood things and tommy takes 1 buffolo hide from 1
later tommy tells a story that i dont really get cuz he uses rancher lingo
later they see some indians and tommy goes to meet em
he gives swank a gun and sez if they ice him she can cap herself and the women so they wont be b0ned dead
tommy gives em a horse they'll probably eat according to tommy and they go on
later the chicks fight over the doll and 1 kicks the other in the face like chun li
late either a horse or girl gets away and they look for her
turns out it was a girl and they find her with a cowboy who wants to b0ne her and tommy confronts him
they agree to fight over her and winner gets her
sounds like a bad jrpg
the fight and tommys losing so the chick caps cowboy in the head
later they find a hole in the ground and tommy sez indians dug it up for the clothes
maybe wolves
oh its a grave
swank stays behind and fixes it up and prays
then rides back on a horse tommy left her
along the way it snows and she eats wild plants
when she finds em she gets all b--chy and whines
later swank suggests marrying tommy but he sez he tried farming with a chick but ditched her after he got sick of it
tommy sez he deserted from the dragoons (or so THE LEGEND goes)
later a chick tries to seduce tommy and they b0ne
wat i think its swank
and the crazy chicks watch
europe hAS weoird p0rn0es
i mean soviet europe
later sank hung herself and tommy tells off the crazy chix for driving her to it
after berrying her tommy ditches the crazies and goes off
but the chix follow and tommy looks after em
btw does hilary sank die in all her films?
i now she bit it in boys dont cry and amelia
shes like a 20th century lon chaney
later tommy comes by a hotel and wants baths and food
at there he meets the owner who's james spaders (and the giant peach(the peach is his b0nar))
james sez hes got investers coming and they cant spare em a room
to be fair, its his place and he shouldnt bre forced to have people he dont want
he sees the women and they're crazy and he turns em down
tommy pulls a gun on him burt james homie pulls one on tommy and kix his a55 out
tommy lewves and sez them doing this will f em up and make their food block their poop chute and they're die in their own sh-t
real classy
as he goeshe drives over their signs and comes back at night to torch the place
what a b--ch
huh, this was based on an 1988 novel
so eventually he gets to the jon priests place and tells his wife swank bit it from a fever
he drops the chix off and the wife of priest jon gives him a blessing
after getting cleaned up he goes to a card game but is kicked out for not being "socialy acceptable" what ever that means
later he gives advice to haily steinfeld and asks her to marry even though hes like 50 years older than her
later he goes to a party at night and dances.
the end
that was pretty well made
it was dark and depressing but it wasnt horrible
it showed how the imperfect people in that era lived
sorta like how Mel Gibson's The Passion showed how dark it was back then
i liked this but not in a fun away
its like schilndlers list or hotel rwanda
showing history as it was
its a good well made movie that shows what people suffered through to let us have our lives now
like saving private ryan
I didn't see her suiciding coming
good twist
sorta like psycho but not so soon
for the homesman 2 i want tommy lee to go on another mission to get crazy women back to their homes but one of the women has psychic powers from beign crazy and can make things melt with her mind. she gets loose and starts melting people and they have to ezsscape through town and mountains and caves to get awy. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis, snes, Atari jaguar tg16 and gba where you play as tommy lee and get through this h-llscape of a burning city and wasteland and caves and mountain and fight cannibals and wild animals and Indians to get away,.

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