Saturday, April 15, 2017

Ivanhoe Review

Note; Imma try to spell better today(not rreally)
This is my review on Ivanhoe(50s version)
and no, its not about a Russian farmer and his tool
its based on a novel by walter scott
its got Robert taylor and Elizabeth taylor
us joan fontaine (Olivia de havilands sister) and George sanders
ooh, its in color and full screen
just like transformers the movie
in the 12th century after the 3rd crusade, king Richard went missing and a knight named Ivanhoe looks for him
he eventually gets to Austria
also normans and Saxons are having issues
Ivanhoe sings about traveling as he rides on horseback
one guy in a castle hes next to sings back and drops an item
its a note
Ivanhoe gets a guy to read it to him
its from king rixhard
hes kept hostage by king leopold and his bro prince john wont pay the ransom
after threatening to de eye the reader if he tells anyone, ivahoe returns to Sherwood forest
ivangoe meets sone knights and they talk
the knights hate Saxons
that's racist
in the bushes, robin hood gives backstory and recognizes Ivanhoe
he left to fight against his dads wishes
also hes saxon
also people think Ivanhoe bit it in the holy land
Ivanhoe brings the knights to his dads house(they have Frenchie names(I assume that makes em bad guys)) and the dad lets em stay
Ivanhoe goes to see the princess
they revealed they slit their writs and made a blood oath in the past
sounds like black arts
he tells her about ruchard and plans to get the knights (normans) to tell him cr-p
the jester sez; when he heard normans were coming, he tried to lock up his wife. when she heard, she locked him up
were the normans gonna b0ne him?
I think the jester is jewish
a jewish comedian? even in the 1100s they were popular!
the normans don't like him
the dad is disgruntled about the normans taking over his homeland and oppressing his people
I thought they were French
are they brits too??
the princess comes out and asks about the holy land
the dad sez he prefers Richard over john as Richard cared for England despite being norman
wtf are the normans?!
its revealed the norman knights here lost to Ivanhoe in a tournament
but no one knows what he looks like
the dad notices ivamhoe and sez he don't like him w/o revealing anything
in the back room Ivanhoe tries to get his dad to help his pay richies ransom
but the dad sez no
the jester agrees to go with Ivanhoe as a squire
wtf he wears a collar
is he a slave??
at night Ivanhoe saves his dad (wait, its not his dad) from being b0ned by 2 guys
the guy he saved (who's jewish) thanks him and Ivanhoe tries to get the 150 000 from him
hes not rich but ivanhoe sez if his people help him save Richard, Richard will give them a safe home
Ivanhoe removes the collar from thr jester
jester sez its been on since he was 11
that's f'd up
then Elizabeth taylor stops by(shes the jewish guys kid) and gives him her moms jewels
she knows hes englands last hope for freedom
at the time there was hope
but England now... yeah that didn't end well
later theres a jousting contest and this black knight is kicking a55
its Ivanhoe and Elizabeth tayoir sez she gave him her ewels to buy da armor
Elizabeth tayor sez she'd pray for Ivanhoe to be safe
her dad sez; whos God would a jew pray to for a gentile?
she sez; the same God who created em both
Remember; Jews and Christians worship the same God
How'd her dad not know that??
in jousting Ivanhoe is wounded and gets a chance to make 1 girl in the crowd the days queen
he gives it to the princess(his gf)
king john is p-ssed
he's gonna start j-rkin off violently and going tourettes
Ivanhoe jousts with the knight who was with him in his dads place(boys gill bare)George sanders from the portrait of dorian gray
he gets busted and is taken back to a tent
elizabetb tayoir uses medical techniques she learned from some witch to heal him
I assume its some kind of Ki based healing
maybe pressure points
or maybe what Rasputin did to heal the czars son alexi
Ivanhoe is taken to some place and a guy sees him
boys gill bare reveals to john he knows its Ivanhoe who he faced and Ivanhoe is trying to save Richie
john sez he wants everyone jew norman or saxon who helps Richard taken down
but he wants Ivanhoe
robinhoods men uses an arrow wih a note tied on it to spread news fast
1100s email
btw this fillm was ated 12+ in brazil, finland Germany and korea
wtf man
buncha candy a55es
theres no graphic violence or nude scenes or b0ning
then again, spain rated the Yugioh movie 13+
candy a55!
even England rated Ivanhoe U(G)
England is less candy a55 than brazil?!
robinhood gets to Ivanhoe and hides him in the forest
boys gill bare sez the jews went to the dad and boys gill bare sez to take em down
the dad and friends ride and chat and they fight normans who attack
did that rhyme?
I think they get captured and they get taken to a castle
Ivanhoe comes by and sez he's gonna surrender to fair trial if they let his droogs free
a fair trial in England?
to quote my black friends; my a55!!
Ivanhoe goes to see his dad
he tells dad that robin hood and his homies are outside and only the dad is skilled enuff to take the castle
but boys gill bare has em both locked up
one blonde norman wants to marry and b0ne the princess
but her kids will be poisoned by his evil dna!gill bare boys tries to get Elizabeth taylor to b0ne him
butshe runs to the castle wall to jump if he tries anything(like in birth of a nation/last of the mohicans)
but gill bare boys tells her Ivanhoe is in the castle and only she can save him
sh consents then he kisses her
if this were made today they would've b0ned
In the dungeon the normans say they'll cook the prisoners until they drip red gravy
so they're cannibals too?!
I mean I now they're bad guys
but still
this isn't riki-oh!
then robin hood comes by and ells em to surrender or he's gonna bust a55
his men have da place surrounded
but they bring out ivahoe and threatens to hang him
the guy holding him tries to push him off but Ivanhoe catches and grapples him
wait, if they were using him as a hostage to send em away, why'd he try to ice him there?!
not wanting to lose the guy, boys gill bare has Ivanhoe cut free
robinhood snipers the minions and Ivanhoe runs inside
he ices the guy who held him and more guys
good job saving that guy
he's dead, Ivanhoe is free and they're gonna bit it
he frees the prisoners and starts a fire
the norman soldiers come out to fight(why??!!) but get picked off
robinhoor and men get a wood bridge across the moat and get across
the normans drop rocks on the men
the jester is sword fighting and gets knocked into a fire and cooks dead
he aint gonna be in Ivanhoe 2
hope the normans don't eat him
the men (merry men?) get inside
Ivanhoe goes to save the princess but faces a boss 1st
he finds boys gill bare got away with elanith tayolr
then boys gill bare drives away with her
later john gets elizeth tayoly
he knows shes got magic powers
later the jewish guy and others bring the ransom (as his people have called in their debts to get 100 000 in Vienna)
but john wants 100 000 to ransome ebith tayolr
hes just doing it to stop them from saving richaird
the jewish guy sez to save Richard
but Ivanhoe sez he wants to save her himself
the elizanebth taoylr is tried for being a witch
one guy sez she used black magic to turn ito a black swan(are there balck swans?!)
one sez she used magic to revive dead Ivanhoe
boys gill bare stands up for her cuz hes hot for her
john sez that's proof she bewitched him
also he sez the jews turned Richard evil and stole his soul
wtf man!!
I know hes the bad guy
but scapegoating the jews?!
come on!!
boys gill bare sez she can be saved if she renounces her God
but she's faithful and wont betray Him
Good message
she's gonna be burned at the stake but Ivanhoe comes in
he challenges the court by saying its up to God to decide
and if he wins a card game I mean kung fu fight, its proof she's innocent
wtf man!
that's like something they'd do in a bad anime
the next at they have a match
boys gill bare offers to surrender and lose all status if she goes with him
she sez no
if anyone breaks the rules, the snipers pick em off
boys gill bare chooses mace and chain and Ivanhoe chooses axe
finally; these 2 are gonna go at it
its like Yusei and jack facing off in Yugioh 5D's
they fight while on horseback
btw they made john seem really fruity in here
I mean yeah he's French
but still man
maybe he's just metro seuxal like trudeau or liberace
Ivanhoe gets taken off his horse but fights on
his shield is busted away but he pulls boys gill bare off
the king Richard comes by
wtf, gill bare is biting it
when'd that happen??
he sez he always loved her and bites it
just like with kohoki and megumi in Urotsukidoji II; legend of the demon womb
Richard sets everything right after coming into the scene
just like Donald trump
or ronald Reagan
and the film ends
that was pretty good
classic action
a bit cheesey with the effects
but still pretty cool
and kinda bada55
for Ivanhoe 2 i'd like for king Richard to have gone insane from years in captivity and he begins mass executions of anyone he feels is against him. he also makes non-cannibalism illegal and everyone must eat from 1 person once a month or be drawn and quartered. Ivanhoe cant take this and goes to Austria for help and leads an uprising against king Richard who had gained black wendigo powers from eating too many people and Ivanhoe must use holy weapons to fight him.

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