Friday, June 30, 2017

Valentino Review

note; I spell like tommy wiseau talks
this is my review on valentino (1977)
also get f'd spell check for constantly turning valentino into valentine
this stars some gay soviet ballet dancer as rudolf krauser I mean vaintoni
its got carol kane and Michelle Phillips and Leslie Caron
its directed by ken russel who did weird cr-p
it starts with credits and newspaper and 20s footage saying Rudolf veninitoni bit it
wow theres a lot of Russians in here
yet dr zhivago had none
I should mention a lotta people hated this film
but it did well in englande
its widescreen
then we see vanlintinos body
its playing a 20s song about him
then it turns to modern footage of people wanting his body
are they gonna b0ne it?
or cut pieces off for keepsakes
studio guys talk about how his appendix bust and they wanna rerelease his films
then all these people bust in
they later board the broken door with coffins
a reporter talks to a foreign chick about her knowing valinotini when he was a h00ker
she sez he was a dancer ad we get a flashback to 10 years ago of him tangoing with a man
he twirls around like ballet
in 4 housemen of the apocalypse, they added a scene of him tangoing to show his moves
here his actor did ballet and now they threw that in
wait, its not valintinoe balleting
the dance owner tells a guy on da phone vanintinow might be b0ning his wife
later she bashes her dancers and sez valintiny is her best dancer
then the guys dance with chix
the guy playing vaintoni looks and sounds kinda like tommy wiseau
the foreign chck he dances with wants him to help her take down her bf
but the bf comes in and hes a crime guy
he thinks vanntonou is fruity and the owner fires him
he dances weird and later has the crime guy photographed b0ning the dance owner
then hes living with the foreign chick
he wants to have a orange farm and wants money to bring his mom over from Europe
some guys come I and beat up vaniniooni
her crime guy bf wants to take her son so she caps him
and vanintinou skips town so he wont be a witness at the trial
but she gets off
later the reporter (a different one I think) talks to another of his women
they worked on a live show and shes kind of a b--ch
holy cr-p William Hootkins is in this
he was Eckhart in batman
here he plays roscoe Arbuckle
man they made him obnoxious
hes like jim carrey or jerry lewis
hes with some bimbos and laughs a lot
but I kinda like it
hes openly a55
vaninotin has a dance with the chick an she s-cked
I think shes drunk
everyone laughs at her
and her outfit starts f ing out
she books it and vinontono takes arbuckles bimbo and ances well
she looks kinda tim burtony
roscoe cant stand em dancing sexy and making out
he also dances on the table and gets canned
later hes living with the bimbo in a rich place
ooh they eat fries and ketchup
ooh the bimbo is Jean Acker played by carol kane
she tells him shes a movie girl and he wants in
also the woman telling the story tells a movie guy to cast him in the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse
the movie guy jokes about vaninotini being queer
then valintono comes in saying he wants to be Richard valetine and acts like an all American
she tells him the hero of the movie is a latin lover and he gives his full name(its like 9 words)
then we get footage of the 4 horsemen(its a good movie if u wanna see it.)(the remake changed too much)
1 chick watching sez he can be armand to her Camille(anther good silent film)
after shes done telling her story(what is this? citizen kane?!) a buncha chicks in desert fashion come in and this spacey chick acts at his body
wait its the Camille chick
oh its Natacha Rambova who was actress
later in another flashback they are filming 4 horsemen and Natacha Rambova drives in ruining the shot
she meets vanilinti and wants him as armand in her film Camille
wtf why is she Russian?!
the real her was irish!
then they show a clip from Camille
I should mention these aren't actual clips from da real filmz
its reshot with this movie actors
after the flashback she sez she was a big deal and super special awesome
also he turned down John the Baptist in her gay version of Salome
I got it wrong
it was All a Nazimova who was the Russian spacey chick
Natacha Rambova then tells her story on her relationship with vaninionto while making the sheik
I'm having to read a wikipedea article to keep track of all these people from the 20s
Natacha Rambova tries to get vanintoni to become a bigger deal in the biz
also she seduces him and tries to get him to ditch his wife and marry her in mexico
also they are nude but we don't see their transformers zone
then we see a reenactment of his character b0ning her in the sheik
the chick who got vanintino in the 4 horsemen wants to be b0ned by him and runs outta da theatre
then valintino does nude modeling with some chicks in a 20s song montage
later the Russian chick is ditched by valintino and natacha marries him in mexico
then they get arrested for bigamy(which if the liberals get their way, will be legal soon)
the chick who got him the 4 horseman part wants to get him outta jail but the studiohead don't mind as they get much free press with him in
in jail the purvurts lust after hm
California needs a year of divorse b4 remarriage
his woman gets out though
since when did California care about morals??
he has to spend the night in jail as his homies need time
1 guy gives vaniltino coffee and talks about b0ning to him
he throws coffee at the guy and he loses his toilet privileges
then he purvurts mo lest him
its really over the top
they wanna see is huge thing but he wont show it so he whizzed himself
I love this film
its like go nagai
that scene was crazy
if u gotta see 1 scene, make it the one at 75 mins in
is this the films way of saying he was b0ned?
after he gets out the marriage is negated
hes offered another movie but don't want it as he wants more swag
he cant do other films as hes under contract so he takes a 2 year break
later hes romantic with natacha and this George Ullman guy comes in offering him work
in vaudeville
and promoting items
they get total artistic control and as hes only dancing he don't gotta worry about the acting contract
man were 80 mins in and it feels like nothing
he consents
then he dances infront of a big add item
this movie has good flow and pacing
he gets a big applause
he thanks em and promotes their product
the studio guy visit and chats with George about getting his contract back
he gives em script approval and the wife gets artistic control
laTER they are filming a silent film and both the natacha and the director give conflicting orders
a lighting guy drops a pink powderpuff on him and he gets triggered
he wants to fight em for it
what is this? samurai shodown?!
they wont work until the guy who did it owns up'
but no one does as they'd get canned
holy cr-p 
him and his wife
I love u
cuz they are tearing us apart
freekin tommy wiseau!
they decide to work on another film
oh and the wife is manipulating him to do her bidding
then this chick called Lorna Sinclair gets nude with him and they have a long b0ning scene
he goes back to filming and refilms the love scene with lorna
later valinonto comes home and natacha is metal cuz the new contract with united artists sez she isn't needed but he gets 0.5 million a year
valintino turns it down and they wanna make "the falcon" thremselves
he wats to do his dream of using is agriculture diploma to grow oranges
instead they have a black magic ritual to tell the future
but chicks outside chant and vilinto cant take it and smashes the glass ball they ritualed with
its really weird and intense
they are b0ning an she wants to f up their view of valintino
is this really happening?
or is it a metaphor?
then the flashback ends
natacha and the chicks go out
the chick who got him the part in 4 horsemen sez he was sick and we get another flashback
one night vanintino has ditched natacha and wants to do oranges
then this h00ker picks him up and shows him this really fruity show about how valentino ruined men and was a pink powderpuff
valentino finds out a guy wrote a newspaper article calling his a sissy
he has a wordy monologue about how ; he lives in such a time, that A MACHINE, CAN TURN A MAN, WHO WANTS TO BE AN ORANGE FARMER, INTO SOME KIND OF GOD
f caps lock
I aint retyping dat
so he wants to fight the writer
in a kung fu wwf boxing match
he hold an official challenge to the writer
a bada55 Irishman stands up for the writer who is from the slavery days and accepts the challenge
and hes the ex heavyweight champ
what is he? axel hawk from fatal fury 2?
hes gonna break valintinoes a55
so he has the boxing match but its gonna cost him his contract in the films
he don't care, he wants to be an orange farmer
ooh, the boxer was Anthony Hopkins dad in the remains of the day
the bada55 boxer jokes around and covers his a55 b4 slugging valentino out
he don't care
hes too bad a55
then he dominates valinyino
hes not even dressed for boxing
hes in a 40s outfit and is taking swigs from his flask
the chick who got him the 4 hosemen role tries to stop him but he don't care
bada55 kicks his candy a55
then as hes dizzy he dances with him
the only one taking this duel srs is valentino
everyone else knows its a bad joke
he plays with him like a doll
hahahaha this is awesome
after a break they go at it again and valetinom gets some cheap shots
then dances with him while dazed
then somehow wins
that's bad writing
he wins just cuz hes the hero?
but the other guy is superior!
its Yugioh arc-V all over again
jack should kick the candy outta yuya's a55
after the fight he and the Irishman have a drinking contest
punch drunk and normal drunk
ahhh dat Irishman is a goode sporte
then valentino outdrinks an Irishman
he drunkenly sez he vindicated his honor and manhood
he goes home and bites it
but 1st goes after an orange
and drunk dances a bit
it ends with his body on a slab
the credits roll to a lovey song about valentino
the end
wtf did I watch??
that was weird
over the top
half fiction
and the lead actor is a 70s tommy wiseau
but I loved it
its fun and found it enjoyable despite/because its so offbeat
its got good color and music
and good overall feel
watch this
its like the room meets citizen kane
for valentino 2 I want for the chick who got him a part in the 4 horsemen to awaken from cryofreeze in the future. she was frozen to wait for a time when they can revived him. they use high tech sci fi cr-p to bring him back but he's terrified by the cyber city America has become and the subhumans who prowl the streets. also he finds they have taken over the orange farms and are gonna make oranges extinct unless they get more rights than real people. so he suits up in a high tech powersuit to wipe em out as the gov is unable to stop em as the people would revolt to the subhumans being harmed. but if a guy from the past does it, its kosher. also it a 2 player run and gun on sega genesis and super Nintendo with 1 player as valentino and the other as the chick who got him a part in the four horsemen where they fight through the various wastelands, cities, slums, and jungles to save the oranges

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