Valentino Review

note; I spell like tommy wiseau talks

Valentino
this is my review on valentino (1977)

also get f'd spell check for constantly turning valentino into valentine

this stars some gay soviet ballet dancer as rudolf krauser I mean vaintoni

its got carol kane and Michelle Phillips and Leslie Caron

its directed by ken russel who did weird cr-p

it starts with credits and newspaper and 20s footage saying Rudolf veninitoni bit it

wow theres a lot of Russians in here

yet dr zhivago had none

I should mention a lotta people hated this film

but it did well in englande

ewww

its widescreen

then we see vanlintinos body

its playing a 20s song about him

then it turns to modern footage of people wanting his body

are they gonna b0ne it?

or cut pieces off for keepsakes

studio guys talk about how his appendix bust and they wanna rerelease his films

then all these people bust in

they later board the broken door with coffins

a reporter talks to a foreign chick about her knowing valinotini when he was a h00ker

she sez he was a dancer ad we get a flashback to 10 years ago of him tangoing with a man

he twirls around like ballet

weird

in 4 housemen of the apocalypse, they added a scene of him tangoing to show his moves

here his actor did ballet and now they threw that in

wait, its not valintinoe balleting

the dance owner tells a guy on da phone vanintinow might be b0ning his wife

later she bashes her dancers and sez valintiny is her best dancer

then the guys dance with chix

the guy playing vaintoni looks and sounds kinda like tommy wiseau

the foreign chck he dances with wants him to help her take down her bf

but the bf comes in and hes a crime guy

he thinks vanntonou is fruity and the owner fires him

he dances weird and later has the crime guy photographed b0ning the dance owner

then hes living with the foreign chick

he wants to have a orange farm and wants money to bring his mom over from Europe

some guys come I and beat up vaniniooni

her crime guy bf wants to take her son so she caps him

and vanintinou skips town so he wont be a witness at the trial

but she gets off

later the reporter (a different one I think) talks to another of his women

they worked on a live show and shes kind of a b--ch

holy cr-p William Hootkins is in this

he was Eckhart in batman

here he plays roscoe Arbuckle

man they made him obnoxious

hes like jim carrey or jerry lewis

hes with some bimbos and laughs a lot

but I kinda like it

hes openly a55

vaninotin has a dance with the chick an she s-cked

I think shes drunk

everyone laughs at her

and her outfit starts f ing out

she books it and vinontono takes arbuckles bimbo and ances well

she looks kinda tim burtony

roscoe cant stand em dancing sexy and making out

he also dances on the table and gets canned

later hes living with the bimbo in a rich place

ooh they eat fries and ketchup

ooh the bimbo is Jean Acker played by carol kane

she tells him shes a movie girl and he wants in

also the woman telling the story tells a movie guy to cast him in the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse

the movie guy jokes about vaninotini being queer

then valintono comes in saying he wants to be Richard valetine and acts like an all American

she tells him the hero of the movie is a latin lover and he gives his full name(its like 9 words)

then we get footage of the 4 horsemen(its a good movie if u wanna see it.)(the remake changed too much)

1 chick watching sez he can be armand to her Camille(anther good silent film)

after shes done telling her story(what is this? citizen kane?!) a buncha chicks in desert fashion come in and this spacey chick acts at his body

wait its the Camille chick

oh its Natacha Rambova who was actress

later in another flashback they are filming 4 horsemen and Natacha Rambova drives in ruining the shot

she meets vanilinti and wants him as armand in her film Camille

wtf why is she Russian?!

the real her was irish!

then they show a clip from Camille

I should mention these aren't actual clips from da real filmz

its reshot with this movie actors

after the flashback she sez she was a big deal and super special awesome

also he turned down John the Baptist in her gay version of Salome

wait

I got it wrong

it was All a Nazimova who was the Russian spacey chick

Natacha Rambova then tells her story on her relationship with vaninionto while making the sheik

I'm having to read a wikipedea article to keep track of all these people from the 20s

Natacha Rambova tries to get vanintoni to become a bigger deal in the biz

also she seduces him and tries to get him to ditch his wife and marry her in mexico

also they are nude but we don't see their transformers zone

then we see a reenactment of his character b0ning her in the sheik

the chick who got vanintino in the 4 horsemen wants to be b0ned by him and runs outta da theatre

then valintino does nude modeling with some chicks in a 20s song montage

later the Russian chick is ditched by valintino and natacha marries him in mexico

then they get arrested for bigamy(which if the liberals get their way, will be legal soon)

the chick who got him the 4 horseman part wants to get him outta jail but the studiohead don't mind as they get much free press with him in

in jail the purvurts lust after hm

California needs a year of divorse b4 remarriage

his woman gets out though

since when did California care about morals??

he has to spend the night in jail as his homies need time

1 guy gives vaniltino coffee and talks about b0ning to him

he throws coffee at the guy and he loses his toilet privileges

then he purvurts mo lest him

its really over the top

they wanna see is huge thing but he wont show it so he whizzed himself

hahahahaha

I love this film

its like go nagai

that scene was crazy

if u gotta see 1 scene, make it the one at 75 mins in

is this the films way of saying he was b0ned?

after he gets out the marriage is negated

hes offered another movie but don't want it as he wants more swag

he cant do other films as hes under contract so he takes a 2 year break

later hes romantic with natacha and this George Ullman guy comes in offering him work

in vaudeville

and promoting items

they get total artistic control and as hes only dancing he don't gotta worry about the acting contract

man were 80 mins in and it feels like nothing

he consents

then he dances infront of a big add item

this movie has good flow and pacing

he gets a big applause

he thanks em and promotes their product

the studio guy visit and chats with George about getting his contract back

he gives em script approval and the wife gets artistic control

laTER they are filming a silent film and both the natacha and the director give conflicting orders

a lighting guy drops a pink powderpuff on him and he gets triggered

he wants to fight em for it

what is this? samurai shodown?!

they wont work until the guy who did it owns up'

but no one does as they'd get canned

holy cr-p 

him and his wife

I love u

cuz they are tearing us apart

freekin tommy wiseau!

they decide to work on another film

oh and the wife is manipulating him to do her bidding

then this chick called Lorna Sinclair gets nude with him and they have a long b0ning scene

he goes back to filming and refilms the love scene with lorna

later valinonto comes home and natacha is metal cuz the new contract with united artists sez she isn't needed but he gets 0.5 million a year

valintino turns it down and they wanna make "the falcon" thremselves

he wats to do his dream of using is agriculture diploma to grow oranges

instead they have a black magic ritual to tell the future

but chicks outside chant and vilinto cant take it and smashes the glass ball they ritualed with

its really weird and intense

they are b0ning an she wants to f up their view of valintino

is this really happening?

or is it a metaphor?

then the flashback ends

natacha and the chicks go out

the chick who got him the part in 4 horsemen sez he was sick and we get another flashback

one night vanintino has ditched natacha and wants to do oranges

then this h00ker picks him up and shows him this really fruity show about how valentino ruined men and was a pink powderpuff

valentino finds out a guy wrote a newspaper article calling his a sissy

he has a wordy monologue about how ; he lives in such a time, that A MACHINE, CAN TURN A MAN, WHO WANTS TO BE AN ORANGE FARMER, INTO SOME KIND OF GOD

f caps lock

I aint retyping dat

so he wants to fight the writer

in a kung fu wwf boxing match

he hold an official challenge to the writer

a bada55 Irishman stands up for the writer who is from the slavery days and accepts the challenge

and hes the ex heavyweight champ

what is he? axel hawk from fatal fury 2?

hes gonna break valintinoes a55

so he has the boxing match but its gonna cost him his contract in the films

he don't care, he wants to be an orange farmer

ooh, the boxer was Anthony Hopkins dad in the remains of the day

the bada55 boxer jokes around and covers his a55 b4 slugging valentino out

he don't care

hes too bad a55

then he dominates valinyino

hes not even dressed for boxing

hes in a 40s outfit and is taking swigs from his flask

the chick who got him the 4 hosemen role tries to stop him but he don't care

bada55 kicks his candy a55

then as hes dizzy he dances with him

man

the only one taking this duel srs is valentino

everyone else knows its a bad joke

he plays with him like a doll

hahahaha this is awesome

after a break they go at it again and valetinom gets some cheap shots

then dances with him while dazed

then somehow wins

that's bad writing

he wins just cuz hes the hero?

but the other guy is superior!

its Yugioh arc-V all over again

jack should kick the candy outta yuya's a55

after the fight he and the Irishman have a drinking contest

punch drunk and normal drunk

ahhh dat Irishman is a goode sporte

then valentino outdrinks an Irishman

somehow

he drunkenly sez he vindicated his honor and manhood

he goes home and bites it

but 1st goes after an orange

and drunk dances a bit

it ends with his body on a slab

the credits roll to a lovey song about valentino

the end

wtf did I watch??

that was weird

over the top

half fiction

and the lead actor is a 70s tommy wiseau

but I loved it

its fun and found it enjoyable despite/because its so offbeat

its got good color and music

and good overall feel

watch this

its like the room meets citizen kane

for valentino 2 I want for the chick who got him a part in the 4 horsemen to awaken from cryofreeze in the future. she was frozen to wait for a time when they can revived him. they use high tech sci fi cr-p to bring him back but he's terrified by the cyber city America has become and the subhumans who prowl the streets. also he finds they have taken over the orange farms and are gonna make oranges extinct unless they get more rights than real people. so he suits up in a high tech powersuit to wipe em out as the gov is unable to stop em as the people would revolt to the subhumans being harmed. but if a guy from the past does it, its kosher. also it a 2 player run and gun on sega genesis and super Nintendo with 1 player as valentino and the other as the chick who got him a part in the four horsemen where they fight through the various wastelands, cities, slums, and jungles to save the oranges