Friday, June 16, 2017

Carrie Review

by now u know my typing is bad
this is my review on carrie (70s version)
its based on a book by Stephen speilburg I mean king
it stars sissy spacek and has john Travolta
ooh its got nancy allen from Robocop 1
this is based on a true story right?
its directed by brian de palma who did The Untouchables and scarface
ooh its by mgm and united artists
eww its widescreen
it starts with a high school girls shower
lotsa naked chicks
its like a go nagai show
when I was in high school in the 00s we never showered together
but this is da 50s or w/e so its normal
it has soft music kinda like secret of nimh
carrie has an outie
carrie has her woman uterus thing and freaks out
she goes for help but the other chicks bully her
when shes freakin out it looks like that little c-cksucker from the shining
the teacher snaps her outta it with a slap and a lightbulb pops
is she an x men?
at the office its revealed she never knew about body changes in their teen years
they give her the rest of the day off(lucky. imagine if guys got outta school for getting b0ners)
the head master keeps calling her cassie despite everyone correcting him and she snaps and flips hid ashtray with esp
she gets a week off gym and on the way home esp attacks a kid making fun of her on a bike
she should've turned him inside out
carries mom is an over the top Christian who no one I've ever met is like
has steven king ever met a good Christian?
he often makes em look bad in his films
no one at my church is as mental as carries mom
we aint amish!
carrie (anne moss)comes home and her mom got a call from the school
her mom beats on carrie and forces her to read weird bible translations about b0ning
she thinks if she didn't sin she wouldn't have a working uterus
to be fair, many omen were born w/o wombs and don't have that
but then they cant have kids
mom locks carie in a closet and she prays
in there carrie freaks out and psi blasts a mirror broken
later in lass the teacher reads at car hippie cr-p
its written by some blonde guy and carrie likes it
in gym class the teacher rides the girls a55 over them being mean to carie
in the 50s they'd get the strap
gym tacher sez she wants to take away their prom tikix but they get detenrton
if they skip they lose prom tickets
in gym detention they exercise for a while
I never went to my prom
I had no interest
I'm not into formal events
I hated dances at grade school too
the music s-cked and I'm not a dancer
carrie looks cr-p up in the library
chris (who's a chick) b=--ches about how she cant handle simple exercise and tells the teach to stick it up her a55
the teacher slugs her
get the whip
chris walks out and loses prom
what a b--ch
carrie reads about telekinesis
this possibly black looking chick asks the blonde jock who wrote the poem to take carrie to porm
later chris and john Travolta with bad 70s hair are drinking and driving
she keeps insulting him so he smacks her
that's for being a b--ch
next time its the hammer
chris wants revenge on carrie and anyone else she thinks wronged her
typical malcontent teen
but unlike rebel w/o a cause she isn't the hero
maybe degrassi though
wtf its been 40 mins?!
I thought it was longer but not much has happened
then chis seduces john Travolta and they b0ne almost
but 1st she has to retouch her hair
she goes mental and insults him so he smacks her
the they make out
she starts sucking his Travolta and tells him to f with carrie
later carrie gets a book on psychic stuff and the blonde poem guy comes by and asks her to da porm
but she runs away
later carrie talks with a teacher about it
shes shy and uneasy
she needs a good bf to help her
by bbw gf was shy in high school
now shes bright and sunny and upbeat
teach tries to give carrie some confidence and gives her make up tips
her hair needs a curl?
but my gf has her hair straightened
teacher grills the blackish chick about her asking him to ask carrie
oh her name is sue
the teacher cares about carrie (fisher) and tries to make sure they aint pulling any cr-p
lol the blondes name is tommy
like tommy wiseau
hes even got long hair
they say they were trying to help her
he comes by carries lace later and wont go until she sez yes
but her moms gonna beat the black off her
she sez yes
later joh Travolta and his droogs go to a pig farm to b0ne some pigs
he hammers a pig dead
guess hes a zoo necro
at night carries talks to her mom about going to prom
but her mom don't consent
hr mom is paranoid worse than the amish and harasses her
shes worried about carrie getting b0ned
carres x men powers close da doors/windows and her mom thinks shes a witch
even the amish don't do dat
its revealed er dad got tired of moms sh-t and ran away
too bad he didn't save carrie
also her powers don't seem evil to me
just like thinking and white blood cells communicating are hard to explain, I see this as just another God given skill
like some people are better runners or fighters or physically stronger or more fertile
carrie sez shes going to da porm and makes a dress
also Travolta puts pigs blood on a bucket in the ceiling of a room at school
I'm noticing this movie has a lot in common with prom night 2 hello mary lou
the next day everyone is wondering why tommy wiseau is taking carrie 2 da porm
we get a montage of tommy and carrie getting ready 4 prom with 70s fat albert sounding music
at night carries mom b--ches about carrie looking hot and carrie sez its normal
her mom sounds like a feminist
whining about a woman showing off her curves
her mom starts going mental saying they'll all laugh at her
crrie uses her powers to push her mom on da bed and leaves
at the porm in da car she has 2nd thoughts but tommy helps her over it
the dance is really 70s b4 disco
carry has an ok time at the dance
sue goes to the dance after dinner with her fam
her fam looking nothing like her
tommy teaches her to dance
this is actually kinda nice
sorta like the wedding in Robotech II The Sentinels
so tommy admits he didn't write the poem
so they're gonna vote for prom king/queen
and carry and tommy are on it
at home carries mom chops up a phallllic vegetable, a carrot
I knew she was a feminist
the ballots are collected but they get switched
oh and chris and Travolta are under the stage and have a bucket of pigs blood above it
good camera movement showing the bucket and rope, and zooming in on carrie
carry snd tommy win (tommy looks like the kid of tommy wiseau and greg sestero)
we get a warm moment of them being happy but the music changes to creepy as they go up
we get slo mo and a see saw of happy and creepy
sue notices the rope and finds out about the blood
good suspense
its also no dialogue
she tries to stop it but the teacher pulls her away and hrows her outta a gym
then chris soaks her in blood and he bucket hits tommy
carry freaks out and everyone laughs
sick c-cksuckers
she has viet nam flashbacks and snaps
chris and Travolta get away but carry seals the exits
to quote rhinox in beast machines
and so it begins
imagine if she sed her psychic powers to tear em apart
but no she just hoses em off
1 guy its a cable and it fries him
she wastes the others with her powers
the teacher gets nearly busted in 2 with a thing falling at her
then it catches fire for some reason
this is good
really iconic
hay, degrassi jr high ended with the school burning down
thy ripped off carrie!
at least she didn't ice the zit remedy
she leaves and chris/Travolta drive at her
she flips their car and they go up in flames like Michael myers
she goes home and theres lotsa candles lit
she talks a bath and cleans off the dried BLOO-D
she gets on a robe and cries to her mom about being laughed at
mom sez she should've suicide after getting pregnant but sin never dies
she needs Jesus
He died to save us from sin
mom sez she liked getting b0ned by carries dad
most women do
the mom starts praying with carrie but shanks her with a big a55 knife
she gets away but mom comes after her
so cary uses her powers to shank her a lot with kitchen blades
shes also crucified by the hands on the walls
the 1st time I watched this, right when she bit it, the clouds outside parted and sun came down
too bad carrie didn't just blow her apart with her psy force
if she can flip a car I think she can crush a human with it
for some reason the house caves in and carrie hides in the closet with her mom
also it catches fire
later sue is in bed and her mom sez she's gonna be ok and everyone else bit it
we see her putting flowers on carries house place and carrier's hand reaches up and grabs her
this is a lot like Splatterhouse
turns out shes just having an episode and is nuts
the end
wtf chris was nancy allen?
location scouting DoW Griffith
not DW Griffith from the silent era
that was good
I liked it
classic and awesome
setting the stage for 80s horror
sort of Protoculture if you will
for carrie 2 i'd like it to be the 80s and shes revealed to have been healed by her powers and shielded herself with a sphere barrier of esp and has gone into hiding thinking d be arrested for using her psy powers to ice people. but also chris and john Travolta have survived being burned and were surgically connected into a hermaphrodite like baron Ashura in Mazinger z but not halfed. they volunteer for a military experiment to cyberize em to make em stronger. once finished they go rogue and ice the scientists so no one can stop em and take out their issues by chopping people up. and only carrie with her esp powers can stop em. also they have taken over the science center and released genetic experiments to ice everyone and spread chaos. and carrie goes through several levels of shoot em up and platformer levels in a 16 bit sega genesis or snes game with her using psy force to attack and defend. also after you win its revealed theres no laws against using esp to ice people so she is free.

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