Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Interzone Review

 Note: I spell inter good


This is my reviuew on Interzone from the distant futrure year of 1987(The year we got Contra)

Its directed by Deran Sarafian whoi did nopthing I saw and stars Bruce Abbott from Reanimator, Female Bopdy Builder FBB Teagan Clive from Alienator, amd Laura Gemser who did costumes fore Troll 2

I saw this years agoi and its one of those cheezy 80s waSTELAND WARRIOR MOVIES

i liked it

so after opewnbing creditys to triumphant music ovewer nature, we getr a scene in a cave of a guy dancing and music playing and a casino

main guy comes in and is in jeans and a leather jacket cuz hes totally nbot mad bmax or m d geist and swipes thius metal thing on a taBLE

AFTER MORE DANCING a guys talking mention how when it rains the p[lace is full of water and sometghiung about treasure

main guyt wants in anbd the guy who's item was stole notices its missing

they mention a tall buff blonde and leave but they see a russian roulette drink game like f--kin yugioh season 0 and a guy bites it

main guy goes in fort ity and notices the slave wench sewrving the drinks

1 treasure guy has cocainum ort snuff ort something and another guy has a gill;ette razor and 1` guy has a pocket watch

main guy offers a tooth brsh and no one knows whgat it is

they spin the drinks on a lazy susan and the black guy gets it after drinking 1

then another guy egts it from drinking 1 and its just maindguy and the treasure guy ands main guy droips somethinbg in a cup

treasure guy sees and spins the cups and drinks one and swears at main guy and tackles but is knocked away and probably gets it

guy kmain guy stole from fights him and a vrawl brerasks out

ther fighting is rerally fake and bad but loveable

main guy gets out by giiving a guard his toorth brush and latewr we saee some bikers and a car weith people running by it going by

they lock and load and go by a church and this beefy blonde in a skimpy black outfit wants tyhis treasure  in it

theres monks outside folding hands toi protect the treasuyre to toprtect the interzone ands the bikers open fire buty it does 0 damage as there's a barrier

so thre bikers leave and the head priest is low on ki and tired and appoints a new siccessor to stop beefer from stealing the treasure and killing eeveryone

he had a vision of a guy named swan to save them and a good blonde with help em, then bites it

so priest goes off and wander the land to phantasy music but is bity by a snakew and is saved by main guy who comes by and treats him in a cave and whittles a woodd thing

main guy chatrs with nhim and priest sez his people have a rule, dont speak, use ur miond, as they esp it, and he uses esp to talk to him ands read his mind

main guy is told hes thinking of ass pretty girl and he frteaks out, then thinks of his pet dog

they drive on and go to a market and see a slave auction of chicks like its gadaffis country after hilerie and bareock got through with em

main nguy sees thew blonde froim the bar and has a phantasy of running to her in a field and the slave auictioner remembers him fromthe casinop

main guy whips him and pulls him in and holds him at gunoppoint and gets trhe slave blonde and they truy to escape buyt fall and get up and run

thats theft! he stole the womaan without paying

so after this shoplifting; the guard go after him on motorttcycles and its a low speed chase like o j

aslso a white and zebra print car is deriven by slave seller anbd goes after em

the bikers fire on him so main guy stands up and uses the gun on his car like that bosss in Contra 1 as slave bblonde drives and priest does a ninja hand sign and prays

main guy uses grebnades like in Violence Jack h-lls wind which actually came out after this AND 1 lands in a guys crotch like in that jack ova too

then main guy gets a flame throwqer and cooks a guy who;'s bike spews black smoke and blows

i think main guy is outta ammo and theres 1 biker left who gets on the car and fights him but main guy kicks him off

then the zebra car comes by and rams thre car and whips at it so main guy jimps on the zebramobile and beats out the driver and jumps out as zebra movile goes off a small cliff and slave owner flies into a pond

main guy gets back in car and chats with slave blonde and they drive off and slave owner is ok in a pond and wants revenge on main guy for his car

at night priest sez his people are responsible for the interzone and its a huge area of radio active free land and if the treasure is taken; the intyerzone will collapse

and they need main guy rto save em and this buff blionde named mantis is trying to get treausre

then we see mantis with some smaller guy ina  forest with her gang and they laubgh as she sends him to this hole in the earths a55 where if he gets out he can live but sdomething in there ends him

priest sez mantis is evil and theres another bad guy who tortures people and se see a clip of him, the moustache guy whjo was with mantis at the chrtuch attackl, whee he finds a pregnant couple and katana's the woman and the man seppeukus offscreen later

at night they sl;eep and main guy and slave blonde are cuddling close but not b0ning and the next day preist is getting berries

slkave ownber comes by and has them aT GUNPOINT BUTR DONT ICE EM AS HE'S A F-0-KIN DUMBA55 AND preist comes by and uses his psychic powers to move the slave owners gun dfown  and shoot himslef in the parts so main guy can stop him and get him at ngunpoint

main guy takles his clothes and slave owner is a fat f--k and throiws em off a cliff so he wont chase him

this is f--kin hokuto no ken! i dont think he'd mind people seeing his beer gut!

main guy figuires pasrt of the treasure isnt needed for the interzone and oh they are at the church thing, and he wants it

the priests agree with him and the preist who weas snake nit goes weith them

main guy and slave chick almost b0ne and instead go off on the armored car as the car had fiured on em to save their virginbity, mouth vriucginity and butt virginity

they go to the woods and meet mantis and her crew and say he captured priest and wants to get the treasure with them

moustache is gonna chop up priest but main guy stops him with a fight and a crotch kick

b4 he can samurai sword the moustache guiys hewad off, mantis stops him and wants him to join her in her cham,bers and has priest and slave chick taken away

in her cave her musicians plsay and main guy is cleaned and lubed up

then mantis comers by in a White Robe and jumps into his bed to b0ne

then we get a silhoette of mantis posing and flexing her muscles

slaver chick steals a sleeping guards knife and unshackles herself and sneaks out but moustache is aweare of her

she tries to free priest but moustache finds themn and she fakes wanting to ice priest and that she wants to betray main guy and work with moustache

back in mantis's cave; we get a symbolic love scene of her feeding him cherries, eggs, fish, and a banana (Such innuendo, but subtle so the censors wont mind)

the next day she has him taken to the hole in da earths a55 for the test and has the thing in the cave thrown meat b4 throwing main guy in

didn't both flash gordon and dune do this?

And 1 of the star wars ones?

so in the cave which looks like a power rangers thing; he gets a guin and a torch and finds tis rotted melting soggy guy monster annd takes him out with a rifle and returnns a hero

mantis lifts him up in a muscle fetish thing and at the same time; moustache is firing arrows at priest

mantis finds priest isnt in his cell and gets to moustacvhes target range to stop him

they bicker and a battle between moustaches and mantis's forces breaks out and main guy gets slave blonde aND priest and books it

outside the forest; main guy has em go back to the church and e goes basck to take out their ammo

but priest sez the weak point in the barrier main guy made up is real

maIN GUY and chuick get guns and run in spraying bullets but theres no one there

then a net catches em anmd the bads come out and has main guy string up by his arms and slave chick put in a cage

mantis comes out and has this devolving looking hunchback a whip and hhas him turn a gear to lower main guy onto a thing that will somehow ice chick and moustache whips main guy in some kinda sm thing

if his feet hit the cage, oh wait, he falls on this pad it it electrifies the cage slave chick is in

then we get the bad guys goiung throughj this misty jungle and priest returns to the manrtis base and uses his powers to make the weather go nuts and he swapped with main guy in the shackles and wounds and bites it after a scene

So he slugs out a sleeping guard, gets back his jacket and gets guns and grenades

its got sme of that 80s fog mist dust thing going

at the church; moustache is flaMETHROWERING THE barrier and main guy drives in a weird veihcle

moustache gets a hole in the barrier and her gopons go in it as the priests flee

maNTIS GETRS to the final door they are behind and 1 guy isd gonna use a bazooka but she stops him from nuking the treasureee

main guy comes back and uses a smoke grenade to get the baddz out and they flee when they see him

the devolved hunch back comes out, grinds, and presses his torso and goes up in a fireball

main guy faces moustache and they throw down their weapons and kung fu fight like in Reboot how Natrix fouyght Metabyte and threw off his gun

so moustache get on him abnd beats on im but main guy does an ear slap and fights until he busts moustaches throat with a hit and ends him

then he faces mantis who's musacling on the door and she offers him a chance to join him and share the treasure and rule the interzone

thety fight and she throwes him around and outmuscles himbut he gets a fewhits in

remember Angela from Power Instinct? The big hulking beefed out italiano strong woman from the circus?

Imagine her vs Teagan Clive/Mantis?

So Mantis gets a gun but main guy grabs a bazooka and blows her apart

the shot blew a hole in the doors a55 and he goers in and sees statues aND paintings and books and a tv he turns on that somehopw runs w/o electricity and talks of a nucular thing that f'd humanity and the guy who made the video collected the best of human civilisation to be saved here to rebuild it


f u caps lock

suck my 7 inch uncut slavic d0ng!

he leaves and is at a cross in thre gropund for the priest and cuddling slave chicks bod and shge comes to live and they make out

they then drive off on a new adventure liuke Goku inDragion Ball after the Piccolo Jr Arc

The End

That was good 80s fun

cheesy, silly, upbeat, cool, actiony and entertaining

teagan is great as mantis and while she is the bad guy, is cool and not hateable

sorta like Cutey Honey bad guys or MegaTRON in the 80s Transaformers

its got good effects and nice costumes and we don't got nude scenes or bad love scenes, but got somwething creative

I liked it and its one of those 80s things that don't ake sense but is cool and fun

The nucular future was kinda like Teenage Caveman and as its from the Cold War when the Soviets were still a danger, it has an effect

Glad I saw it. I 1st learned of it from the Comet Channel and thought it was interesting

For Interzone 2 I want for the manbtis troops to have reformed under a new leader and is trying to get to the interzone, but its lead by a nucuilar sasquatch who wwas mutated by the radiation and knows the priests have a holy item that can stop him. Also we get a new hero who is a female bodybuilder but is good and beeats through all the nucular sasquatch's troops and their devolved bodies made styronger through the sasquatches evil powers. Its also a 32/64 bit Beat em up on Sega SaTURN, PlayStation 1, Panasonic 3DO, N64, DS and PSP where you play as her in a 3D style and beat through guys using the priests Holy Item that can turn into any weapon.

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