Friday, December 17, 2021

The Black Tulip Review

 Note: i spell lie tulips on an organ

Black Tulip

This is my review on Black Tulip from 1921 (100 years before Johnny Mnemonic with cyuborg dolphin hackers and VHS tapes)

Its based on a book I never read by, Alexcander Dumas?! Ok now I'm interested

Its directed by Maurits Binger who did nothing I saw and Frank Richardson who also did nothing I saw

It stars some 1800s euriopeany guys i never heard of   but My dad I think had the Classics Illustrated Comic Book of this

So it starts with a proclaimation wanting asnyone who makes a black tulip to be awarded an a55load of money 

this guy nameds cornelius, or corny, is gonna ttry to make a black tulip and so was his friend isaac who got jeaklous of him

1 guy is against the gov and is the bad guy  with a weird a55 french a55 name that startts with a t

the people hate these de witt bros whpo rule but aint popular

so its trudeau? a beta male who isd in charge despiite 70% of the people voting against him?



so they send em to his relative or homie or w/e corenelius where a dw gioves em to him

but a guy, i think isaac, is listening and can hear a silent film trhrough doors

if there's evidence that can f their careers, dont that mean they've been doping something bad and shouldnm't rule?

its like if gacy was running for prez and he kept it wquiet about the 30+ bodies in his baswement full of his dna

sso months  lster the dws are still p-ssing off the people and all but corny signed a thing to return ropyalty to soviet franch

unlike japaan; monartchy dont work in most countries

yeah the kaizer and the czar were cool, but look at england! its f--ked! their church was started by henry 8! he chopped up a bunxh of his wives! He's like a castlevania OJ Simpson!

t boy becomes leeader of the l;oyaliists i meran royaLISTS wait, this ciornelius is corvenmmiel; de witt, not main cornielus, and he signs the thing to restyore the royals

i guess soe countries just aren't mean for freedom

in america; its we the people, but here i guess the WANT to be subserviant to tjhe regent

so de weitt os in jail for his cr-ppy leadership and is accused of wanting to wack the prince and is tortured to make him confess but finally bites it and goes toi h e double india

wait, he tells a guy, his bro, to tell main corny to get rid of the letter that would f him up

destroying evidence in your corruption? wqho are you? hill ur lee?

also; why were you daving those?! If i have video of me b0ning a dog, you think imma give it to a guy? NO! put it in the microwave! don't save it! f--kin dumba55!

i know they're french, and thus; evolutionarily challenged, but still!

so he writes a lertter to main corn to destroy the letters, as i guess ddw corn wanmted to save em to j-rk off to, and t man finds out and sends a papper email saying the main corn has letters against the prince

so dw corn's man races to give main corn a message and the gov sernds a guy to search main corns place

mesenger gets there 1st but then the gov comes and gets the papers and arrests him

also isaac i think goes to jack his black tulip

in jail is this jailer who isa a c-ck sucker and his daughter rosa played by zoe palmer

rose palmer? like from urotsukidoji? is jurgen offen here too? mayber lucy morals?

so main coren goes to jail and dw coren is gonna be exiled

the people haD ENUFF OF his sh-t and are gonna string him up so a guy runs out aN DRAWS THEIR attention as dw corn sneaks out

the guards are ordered to stand down and the people get in and catch dw corn and his bro and string em uip or something

but the movier makesd it look bad these politicians who had dark secxrets exposed and were takewn down by the people who hated em is "badf" somehow

when musolinni got it they make it look bad

ort gadfaffi

or saddam

so wait, i think they aimnt ended yet, and had their propperty seized and will be executed

but spoiler; the reason they got caught; is cuz of the REAL things they did!

the notes were not fake

they don't deny their guilt

but now that their sins caught em; they try to make it look bad

wait, i think its main corn, i cant keep these c-ck suckers straight

well he writes a thing saying he gives his cr-p to rosa, incluiding his black tulip thing and the money it would win

also its the 1570s so its around the time of Christopher Belmont in the GB Castlevanias

before africastlevania: the blaxploitation one with Shaquile Bromont vs Blacula, with Richard Roundtree as Shaft!

also some guys wanna buy sh-t from ther stuff seized from maIN corn

main corn offers to marry rose and uses 3 black tulip seeds that he somewhowe has as i guess they didnt search him whjen he went to jail, or he had em in his a55(well, he IS french) as a dowry

she dont consent but hugs him as hes in da friend zone i think

so thery take main corn away but t uirns out; hes going to some prison instead of execuituion

so a guy tells rosa that corn lives in the a55 jail and in the fortressd jail like casaandora in hokuto no ken; corn misses rosa

rosa and her prison ruler dad are sent to this foretressd jail and sahe reunites with main coren for a bit

ddad dont like main corn and takes his books and candles for beign a traitor\

noiw all he can do is j-rk off in on the floor



what? he's french!

look at the marquis de sade!

and now at a bar; or pub if your english/devolved, dad meets t man and wantys to marry rosa to him

but rosa likes corm main and wants tyo help him by doing somethiug with the prince as she knows the secret path to his private guardan and had asked himn to transfer her and dad to this fortress jail

also she brought main corn her bulbs and wait, i think its isaac whos gonna marry daughter, not mr t

sao isaac using his relationship with rosa as an excuise, he gets to go around the fortress jail and dad tells her she's gonna marry himn but she don't wanna

rosa used her girl skills to handle trhe guard of main corns cell and letcame in it with him to probablu b0ne

but really they are talking about blacvk tuilips and isaac overhears

isaac goes back to the bar and tells dad thast rosa is with main corn and dad goes in and  fights him and busts his black tulips

he brings rosa out and she's bummed and isaac is disgruntled thatr dad busted the tulips

icaas knew rosa had another flower and rosa and corn main agree not to meet while the remaining tuilip is in danger

shesd malcontent he cares for a plant more than her but he's just autyistic or something

isaac was in her room and she finds somethings off when she returns and tells coarn a55 something

dad sees em anbd pulls her away and is gonna beat the black odffa her butn corn a55 grabs him to stop it

dad sez if you attack a prison head he gets executed

but one guy is going to the prince i think, wait, its the plant prize city and its rosa ghoing

at nightrosa drops a thing for corn a55 and he wakes up and puts on shopes and goes out to a horse cart\

wait, its not corn a55 its i think isaac who rosa jacked his black tulip he store and they fight

he stuffs her a55 in this wood place and oh itds a wifndmill, and she climbs dfown the blades

rtosa shows the tulip to the citry flower thing and they say its 2 black tulips so far

the prince comes by to see the flower and isaac has 1 and rosa sez it was stole

prince hears rosa and is gonna punish isaac and release conrna55

rosa shows the paper the seeds were in tyo rpicne and its the letter saying to destroy the leffets from dw corn

so prince has a feast of the black tulip, which sounds like a yugioh card, and sez for the black tulip maker to come forward and a now brought there corn main comes out

prince sez da plants gonna be named after ityts founders and will impriosoon icaacin fortress jail

tthen years later; corn main and rosa are married and have a kid

The End

That was not bad

decent period piece

good acting and expression

good twists

it had a happy ending unlike most french things (I'm looking at you victor hugo)

not too long

most of it was told through title cards with some acting showing movement

but that makes sense as its a book

its not actiony but its has a good heart

glad I saw it

For the black tulip 2 i want the bad guy isaac to get poout of jail and wants revenge on cornelius and gets his good to go aFTER HIM. bUT IN THE TIME HE WAS IN JAIL; CORNY HAS MADE plants that work as bioarmor that can be worn to increase power and defence aND he and his wife and son and daughter wear them and fight their way through them! also its a 4 play 16 bit bear em up on sega genesis, snes, tg16 gba and atari jaguuar where you play as the guy, his wife and his kids to take on these tough frenchies and their drug enhanced bodies.

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