Tuesday, December 21, 2021

A Christmas Story Review

 Note: I spell ostalgic

A Christm,as Story

This is my review on A Christmas Story from 1983 (The Year He Man came out)

Its based on this story by Jean Shepherd based on his childhood

Its diirected by the Talented Bob Clark who did Black Christmas, p0rky's, p0rky's 2 and both Baby Geniuses movies

He had real range and could do heart humor and horror

It stars Peter Billingsley froim Highway to Heaven, Jean Shepherd who wrote it, Melinda Dillon from Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Harry and the Hendersons, Darren McGavin from The Man with the Golden Arm and Billy Madison, R. D. Robb from Matilda and The Brady Bunch Movie, Zack Ward from Freddy Vs Jason and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Tedde Moore from RoboCop: Prime Directives and The Kennedys, Leslie Carlson from Black Christmas, Videodrome and The Dead Zone, abnd some others i only know from this

i've seen this countless times and some chjannels air it fort 24 hours straight as itsa a xmas classic

after mgm and tityle, we get narrator telling this was a xmas that he had as a kid and at night he and his bro went to a storerwe window to see the new sh-t

hay, disne'ys snow white, thats gonna be blurred one day

he wants a bb gun fro red ryder asa its the 40s and kids could have fun without commies wworrying of it making the kids shoot up the place

he dropped hints for his rents by putting the red ryder bb gun add in his moms mag to get her the hint

at breakfast dad reads the news of a guy reading i mean eating a yoyo and does a puzzler to win a prize

main guy sez he saw grizzley brears by the store to get the gun and when they look at hi queer, he changes the subject

mom asks what he wants and he yells the bb ghun and mom sez "you'll shoot your eye e=out"

he fakes really wanting tinker toys and mom thinks bb guns are dangerous

apples are dangerous! You could lose a tooth! (if its loose and you eat wrong)

then we getta phantasy of him saving his fam from black bart(THATS RACIST!!) by shooting them in the butt(butt shots?!) and they spazz out and die

in real life; dad is p-ssed that his car f'd out and then the furnace f'd out and he goes down and b0nes it into working while sweraring like yosemite sam

imagine if they made a profanity accurate version of this with them sayiong c-ck sucker and muther fd-ker?

or better yet; editing in the obscene caller from Black Christmas audio in here?

so they go tyo school and mian kids brother falls and can't get up and main kid hel;ps him

in school the kids have fake big teeth as i guess they wanna fake being brittish asnd the teacher takes em

at recess the kids bicker over if your tongue weill frereze to a flag pole over triple dog dare and cuz he dared him; he does and it freezes to the metal\

then recess ends and the kids leave him to die but inside later a girl points outside and they call ther fire department to get him out

just whiz on it. the hot water will get him off

so he comes back in with his mouth f'd and teacher sez she knows someone put him up to it and the gukilt the feels is worse than any punishment. but narrator dont buy it

then they get an assignment(a55 ine ment) on what they weant for xmas and main kid wants top use this as a way of gettinmg his bb gun

nowadays they'd give the kid therapy for wanting a bb gun and put him on meds and devolve him

once a guy i went to yugioh tournaments with said he had counceling cuz at school he had a death note like from the anime and wrote his friendsd names in it for fun and they thought he actually wanted em deads

after school they go home and the bully farkus (like bulk and skull?) comes by with yellow eyes and laughs like a mongoloid and scarers the kids

1 guy is caught by farkus and is put in a lock and tormented

in there; ur either a bully, toadie or victim

what is this? hokuto no ken?!

at home main guy wants his little orphan annie decoder pen and writes his assignment about how mondo cool bb guns are and footballs s-ck

dasd comes home and the redneck neighbors dogs hassle hioom and dad comes in and won a prize

a house full of dogs? like those hoarders shows on A&E or TLC?\

those dogs probably sh-t all over the place and b0ne the furniture

Today, on Hoarders! We go to the slums of Gotham to meet Selena Kyle: Once an Animal Rights Model, now a 500lb mess living in a rotting building with over 200 cats! Can we save her? Find out today on TLC!!

at dinner they brother don't wanna eat and dad wants to forcefeed him but mo makes him act like a pig to eat that sh-t

this is all kinds of fetish

why not turn him into a d0ng?!

so the dads contest winning is delivered and its a womans leg shapes lamp but mom don't like it cuz its too sexy

what is she? a feminist?!

he pplugs it in and whe whole lamp leg glows and dad turns off the lights and looks at it from outside and all the guys in the neighborhood check it out as no one was queer in the 40s

and its all because mom helped him win the crossword thing

like in the unknown how she overcame her fear of arms and fell in love with the strongman cuz of lon

later its school and farkus chases the kids there and main kid hands in his assignment and has a phantasy about her dressed like its the 1800s and gibing f's on all papers before being enamored by his paper and givign it an A with many +'s asd the kids cheer and carry him around

in real world after teacher has him to sit down, he runs from the bully in fast forward

so at night thery go to getta tree and is that a vehicle from toronto in degrassi street?!

dad barters with the treeman(not the TLC mmutant) and gets a good deal and rope

on da way back a tire f--ks out and dad goers out to fix it with joy as he sees himself as a pit crew and has mom time him

mom sends main kid out aND HE holds a thing with lug nuits in it but dad jerks his hand and knocks the nuts around

kid sez of fudge but in real life said f--k and dasd hears him and as its not today; kids swearing i a big deal like saying the n word when not current;y black

dad comes back in 8 mins and tells mom in whisper and she freaks out puts soap in his mouth

mom has him tell where he heard it but he cant say he hard it from dad (i learned it from watching ytou) and says the 1st name that comes to mind; the guy who dared the flag kid

mom calls his mom and outs him and she beats the black offa him

what is this? my great grandma beating my grandpa for accusations of stealing a chicken? in the 20s?!

mom sends him to bed and tastes the soap and its gross and at night he has anothe rphantasy of being blind from soap poisoning 

he has a lot of these phanmmtasies, is this where arthur got it from?

my dad when i said that: arthur? the turtle?

his rents can't take the guilt from killing his eyers and coomit seppuku

jk but as they phantasy cry, kid smiles like a sociopathg

at school the kids give teacher gifts and main kid gives her a fruits basket(the anime?!)

at home he gets his little orphan annine decder ring and listens to the message on the dario and writes the code, then goes to the bathroom to decode it

but his brother needs to sh-t and p-ss and he holds him out

the message is; be sure to drink your oveltine and he's disgruntled

brother goes to the potty and lifts the lid and it cuts to the mom opening the cooking pot and its brown boiled cabbage so it looks like sh-t

later while dad's swearing in the basement at the furnace; mom breaks the lamp and says its an accident and dad don't but it

she was jealous! like that dogf who iced that baby as it didn't like it getting more affection

dad tries fixing ity but its too f'd and mom trys not to laugh and dad beeries it by the garage

later its chooland farkus getrs the flagpole kid and puts him in a joint lock

in class they get their tests back and flagpole kid comes back with a black eye and main kid gets a C+ with the message"you'll shoot your eye out"

kid thinks mom got tyo teacher(which could have happened) and goes home later but farkus bulkmein and his homie eugeine skullovich  nail him hin the face with a snowball and laugh at him

like vegeta going berserk at cell for icing trunks; he goers berserk and tackles farkus and wails on him

his monion gets slugged out by him and main kid starts swearing pg at him as he berserkly mashes his skull into a thick paste

mom pulls him off and takes main kid away and farkus has a huge a55 blood stain on his face

i want a modern remake where he raises his hands with a fury and splatters his head open and his brains spill out like pasta and sause

at home mom, cleans his wounds and main kid worreied dads gonna beat the blaxck offa him

he gets home and mom sez he just got in a fight but plays it low so dad dont get mad

main kid realizes if teacher and mom wont get him the gun; he has santa

they go to the xmas parade with mickey moyuse which migt be blurred in latert releases and the wizard of oz monkeys and guys

they go in da mall to see santa  and theres a long a55 line with the guy infromnt of them seeming brai damaged

the bad witch from oz comes by but main kid don't care

brain damaged creams when he sees santa and when main guy goes up his brain seizxes up and cant think or talk

he's suggested a footbnall and agrees abnd is sent down the slidfe burt his brain turns on and he crawls up and sez he wants a bb gun

santa sezur shoo ur eye ouyt and kicks him down the chute

so then dad puts up the tree and they go to bedf for xm,as and the next day its xmas aND the kids get up

they opern presents and main kid gets a clothes from his aunt of a pink bunny thing as i guess she wants him to turn queer and mom makes him wear it

dad dont like it, whicvh would be seen as "hate" today and the kid finds a hidden present from Santa of the bb gun her wanted

mIN kid had 1 as a kid and he goes out to try it but he shoots his eye out

actuaslly hisd glasses protected it and mom didnt see, and when he looks around he steps on em

why were you walking around?! feel on the floor with ur hands!

her fakes being hit with anm icicle and while mom treaTS HIM, dad truys to haVE A PIEce of turkey but mom sez no

so the dogs come in, f--k up the place, and eat da burd as dad chases em out

so they go to an asian resxtaurant where they mix up l/r and they take off a cooked ducks head infront of em

then its night and he sleeps with his bb gun as it snows and we get a shot of the house as credits roll like f--king black christmas

the end

what a claSSIC

its mostly clean with a bit of bite

shows what the past was like in a simpler time

its a good collection of stories from childhood and stuff we can relate to

its got a warm style and feel and has you enjoying the ride

it packs a lot into it and i thought more time had gone on

classic american story and is like the waltons or happy days or the wonder years as its got good nostalgia that families can relate to

for a christmas story 2 i want the bully farkus to deal with his issues of being beat up and plans a revenbge to get over his fear of the kid beating him up, but also its got a bunch of side storys about his life and some flashbacks to how he was devolved by smoking chronic as a kid and it gave him yellow eyes and his uncle beat on him and it f'd his teeth and he needed braces. also its an 8 bit game on Nes, Master System, Game Gear, Game Boy, TG16, Atari 7800 and Lynx where ypou play mini games and gain enough points to unlock the final battle with the kid and if you win; you become the king of the school yard and get a cutscene with you on a gold throne with bikini babes  like Conan

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