Sunday, November 11, 2018

Passchendaele Review

note; Austria was better in ww1 than soviet England. so I spell bad
this is my review on Passchendaele
its by the gross guy
paul gross
when he was a kid, his grandpa told him of when he iced a german boy in ww1 with a bayonette in the head
later b4 he bit it he was saying sorry and only paul knew why
so he made this film
it came out in 2008 and was made in soviet Canada
Wikipedia sez it got cr-ppy reviews
they also say OJ isn't a murderer and global warming is real
so we get text saying 90% of Canadians who went to fight for the evil empire of England bit it
I should point out my great grampa's were from Slovenia and fought for Austria in ww1
then we see paul gross in the war and 1 guy freaks put seeing whats eft of a fellow soldier
theres a gun nest in whats left of a church
I gotta say, this is a lot like saving private ryan but made a decade later
1 guy is shot up but gets saved
so gross puts up a white flag and walks up
but a guy next to him pulls a grenade and they shred him
gross throws the grenade and takes em out
then goes in and puts his bayonette through a german boy's head as he extends his hand saying "kamarade"
I like how this shows the Canadians as non perfect and the germans as non evil
I missed something but he was on the ground in pain and later wakes up in a hospital with a nurse
then its 1910s Canada and we see a teen making out with a chick
the boss comes by and he has an autism attack  but the girl calms him
the music is light and innocent like something from the 90s lassie show
later at home his boss sez teens asthma made him stay home
he goes and sister sez she cant keep lying to keep his forbidden love quiet
at night teen goes to gf's home and the guests at dads place bust him for not serving his country
later gross is at a military board and had nightmares of a Canadian and a cross
as the germans nailed a Canadian to a barn with bayonettes
turns out he went AWOL after getting a medal for icing that german boy
although Canada gives medals for far worse people
also his mom r something bit it from sadness after his AWOL note said MIA and she thought he bit it
I think bram stokers Dracula did that too with the turks and mina
man this rips off a lot of films
btw its pretty widescreen
2/5ths of the screen is black bar
and their heads are often in the back bars, meaning they cut the top off to look A55
so gross is sent home nd sez bye to da nurse
but is sent to be on the recruitment thing\
his superior bashes the germans over using gas
but gross points out they too use da gas
later superior has a town meeting and has everyone who cant serve sit down
then shames the standing for not fighting for their king
spoiler; the king was an a55 hole
watch the kings speech
that candy a55 king was f'd up by his dad
later teen tries to serve but cant get in as gross figures out hes the nurses kid bro
also hes still got asthma and gross sez hes shell shocked
later gross meets a guy who lost his arm at the mill or w/e
but fakes being a war hero to pick up chixc
at a bar teen hassles gross and 1 arm
1a; whats this kid dooin here?
teen; do I smell kraut?
1a; u callin me a kraut, boy?
teen; u callin me a boy, kraut?
1 arm beats down teen and jams his stump in teens mouth
but gross saves him
that's pretty f'd up
and bad a55
I can see Go Nagai or Paul Verhoeven doing something like that
teen is pretty malcontent over ot being able to kill people in the war
100 years ago; teens lied about their age to fight in ww1
today; they have breakdowns over being called the "wrong" gender or some politician they disagree with winning
this is why evolution is fake
it says things get better as the generations go down
but in a century we devolved pretty bad
later gross and 1arm drink outside and gross sez the germans never actually crucified a Canadian
spoiler; it DID happen
I saw an investigation on it on the history channel
this movie is full of lies
later its daytime and gross shows nurse a grave marker his 1 arm friend or w/e made
he sez after the gold ran out somewhere the war started and he signed up
he helped take Vimy Ridge after the brits and frenchies couldnrt
hey chat about feelings in a slightly romantic way
later teens gf's dad did a thing on shrapnel damage
gf shows teen but hes not scared
then they b0ne
we see his a55 and her nips
then the gf's dad finishes and the people applaud
and it cuts to them in bed after as if the guys are applauding them for b0ning
is this a comedy??
while at the thing about shrapnel gross has viet nam flashbacks to ww1
later superior meets a geezer who made plans for a machine that can circle the globe in 15 mins
and wants 1 million $$
then superior tells gross nurses dad fought and bit it for germany in Vimy Ridge
he then grills nurse over her ancestry and tries to make being german look bad comparted to England
kinda like how today the mainstream tries to make whites feel bad for stuff whites 500 years ago did
then her house is defaced by Canadians
and teen is ashamed of his dad fighting for his home team and wants to ice him
candy a55 malcontent teenagers!
what is this?! degrassi?!
gross comes by and tells nurse to go to his place as its not safe here
a lynch mob is outside and he beats one of their a55es
then its night and teen is kicking over german tombstones
kinda like self hating whites who wanna tear down statues
gross goes after him and they fall in da river
they come out and teen goes on a prissy sissy tirade about the whole universe being at war and wanting gross to ice him
this candy a55 needs a beatdown
holy cr-p we're like an hour in
gross gives him advice and sez "if ur lookin for romance, ur not gonna find it in a trench"
remember; the main reason he started his gee haad to wanna sign up, is after his gf's dad shamed him for not fighting
he leaves this disgruntled teen and goes to nurse saying teen will be with his friend
who? 1 arm?
he'd b0ne him dead with his stump!!
they go to gross's place and sleep but not in the same bed
later teen and gf go to her dad and gf's dad signs a thing to let him on the service
meanwhile gross tells nurse about icing that boy
so teen signs up and superior welcomes him in and bashes gross
esp after another soldier sez gross wouldn't reject a good soldier
then its night and gross and nurse make out
later he goes home to pack and nurse tries to stop him
but he sez f gross as he dont have any disabilities
disgruntled self hating teen who wanting disabilitys?
man just like the 2010s
just look at tumblr!!
so nurse busts in to a meeting and bashes gross for hiring her bro
then superior wakes up to gross sharpening his blade
he tells him to sign this enlistment thing under his moms maiden name and send him to da front
superior sez hes gonna track him down
why wait?
send ur royal goons after him right after he leaves
later gross writes a note to nurse
next day nurse is packing up as she was fired for her race and cant keep da rent
teen gf comes by and sez it was the supriour and her dad who had teen signed up
nurse sez to teen gf her dad don't want teen to come back
they sent him there to get wacked
seems like teens gf is a 1910s bimbo
later nurse finds a note saying some sappy things to sappy music
then they're at the war zone
but superior ( a major ) tracked gross down and wants him f'd
but the colonel needs men and knows gross is good so he makes him a platoon leader
they send him to Passchendaele but major wants to make a complaint
so colonel sez he can send him out too
major relents
also gross sed he came here for love
what is this? Robotech?!
later he sees nurse is back in Europe somehow at a tent treating the wounded
she volunteered outta regina and took a month to catch up to him
what is this?! wings (from 1927)?!
maybe the big parade from 25!
then its night and raining and they start b0ning in the battlefield
remember what he said about love in the trenches?
and the sky and cannons burst as soft piano plays
wtf is this?!
then hes called to head out and she gives him an item to give to teen
called to go out while b0ning??
what is this? starship troopers?!
at least that knew how to do comedy
then they get to this soaked area and they sit in water
teen sees a rat crawl outta a dead soldiers mouth in a pretty good effect
teen goes mental and whines about wanting to ice germans
gross gives some kinda cr-ppy advice with circular logic and then its sun up and they're firing cannons
during the battle teen has an autism attack
I think they're at Passchendaele
took em 3/5ths through the film to get to it
also in the real version, the mud swallowed man and horse and machine alive
the movie glosses this area over
this movie is full of lies!
so the soldiers advance and get capped
as the germans regroup the gross team advances
its the germans who advance
and grossmen open fire on em as they near
later colonel wants to fight on even if it looks bad
major wants to retreat so colonel slices him open and his guts spill on the floor in a sloppy pile
a mortar takes him out
the battle continues with graphic violence
limbs blown off
people shanked
not much flesh damage
a german is tryin to bayonet gross and he holds it off with both hands
then teen blows out the back of his head
gross pushes him off and he lands so teens hand goes through the germans head hole and out his mouth
that's like something outta riki-oh
or peter Jackson's brain dead
teen runs away and winds up in the german side
but a mortar throws him on some metal like a cross
gross runs over to save him and gets capped
both sides stop firing for some reason and gross stumbles over to the cross
the germans just let him come by and carry teen back
some even help bring teen down
I know there was the Christmas truce
but this is really unbelievable
gross carrys the cross over and stops to regain ki
oh and nurse is there for some reason
then the sky turns blue and the sun is up and theres really antisubtle music as he powers through his damage and brings teen home
its pretty antisubtle
and to top it off, the camera zooms out as if hovering above
then the shelling restarts
and right then, the reinforcements arrive
gross gives teen the item and they carry him away
at the nurse place (which I thought was there as it showed nurse looking out as gross went to save teen) a soldier sez they won Passchendaele
then gross is with nurse and talks about this picture he mentioned 2x b4
then he bites it
even though gross's real grampa lived and told his grandson about ww1
this movie is full of lies
then we cut to 1arm, gf, teen, some guy I dont know, and nurse at gross's grave
oh and I think teen lost a leg
then text sez after months of fighting and 5000 bit it canada captured Passchendaele.
the total cost on both sides was 600 000
a week after the Canadians caught it, the germans got it back
then credits to a song sorta like titanic with ww1 footage playing
the end
that was not so bad
kinda antisubtle
full of errors
and had bad comedy
plus too much b0ning
I liked I kinda
good violence and showing the winning side asnt super good and the germans werent super evil
plus the English were pretty awful
its not as good as joyeux noel
that one moved me to tears
however I think this is well made despite its f'dness
for Passchendaele 2 I want the teen to be malcontent over the war and missing leg. he finds a Croatian dr who is testing regeneration serum but its experimental. he volunteers and it grows back his leg, but gives him insect skin and claw like extra limbs. he them goes around taking out those who f'd his home for being german and eating them to become stronger and more buglike. its also a 18 bit game like phantom 2040 on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar where you play as him mutating and gotta hunt and eat targets in a generous time limit to survive.

No comments:

Post a Comment