Monday, November 12, 2018

The African Queen Review

note; I spell Africa style
the African queen
this is my review on da African queem
its got Humphrey bogart and that feminazi Kathrine Hepburn
its based on a book I never read and adapted and directed by john huston
hes done some great films so I got high hopes 4 diss yo
its in color and is from the distant future year of 1951
so after 2 mins of credits, the film starts in german eest Africa in the distant future year of 1914 September
at a Methodist church white guys sing to africans
aw gay
Hepburn is there!
playing her organ!
then we see a boat coming down da river
boat guy gets off and gives afrcans cigars and throws a lit one away
and the africans scramble over it
then church empties and boaty gives church guy mail
his boat is named; the African queen
which queen?
later they have tea or w/e and I think Hepburn is a brit here
they talk about cr-p all brittishy and boaty has gut noises
I think he's got parasites
boaty sez theres a war and da germans are gonna stop da mail
the brits worry they might be enemy aliens in here
oh f boaty is a Canadian
that means he don't have a soul
also church guy and Hepburn are brothers
they pray and then some soldiers come in and round up the africans
church guy hassles a soldier but gets busted
then the soldiers torch the place
oh joy
another movie making the ww1 germans look bad and the brits look like victims
what next?
the innocent bears and deadly people they eat?!
after that I think the church guy snapped as he don't know where he is
why'd his brain bust?
did they b0ne him offscreen?!
imma call him bro as its quicker to type
also he keeps talking of things that happened long ago
eventually I think he bites it
then the boat comes back
boaty sez the germans torched villages so the people would work for em and not go home
boaty berrys him and they book it in his boat
btw I read on Wikipedia that in the book boaty was cockney and as bogart couldn't do the accent, they turned him Canadian
cockney accents s-ck!
might as well be screaming like aids monkeys
on da boat they talk about if the brits will come to save em
and they cant go some ways on the river as theres german bases
its a gunboat
also boaty has blasting gelatin and oxygen and hydrogen cylinders
and Hepburn wants to turn em into torpedoes
she wants to turn the boat into a kamikaze with torpedoes on it as a way to take out the gunboat
and the gunboat is keeping the brits out
so she wants to MacGyver torpedoes
later boaty teaches Hepburn about water and what its looks mean
and theres hippos there
when did this turn into the snows of Kilimanjaro?!
also he has to kick the boiler or it blows as theres a screwdriver in it
later boaty drinks clear booze
I think its like the crystal pepsi
he calls it; gin
or is it djinn??
he makes her some tea and they talk about their pasts
then she gets undressed and so does he and they go swimming in the African river
good way to get parasites
its just Hepburn
and shes in a dress and not nude
later its night and raining and boaty comes in hepburns dry area
but she kicks him out
only to let him back in seconds later
also its his boat
he should say what goes there
da next day they're boating and she smells the marigold like river
then they go through rough water
aft it she is really thrilled by going through it
later boaty gets a glass of water from the river and it looks like iced tea
so he has booze
hes drunk and they bicker a bit
he sez shes not a lady and other cr-p
then sings drunkly
this is why I don't drink
I should point out that some say alcohol and drugs weakens our spiritual defenses and lets wicked spirirts affect us easier
that explains why its called djinn
later boaty wakes up and she dumped his booze w/o his consent
she goes on his boat and throws away his property
and hes too hung over to stop her
man he had a lot of booze
so may bottles she dumped in the river
hope some africans don't find em and it ruins their community and they gotta throw it off the edge of the world
later he shaves and looks more like bogart
I hardly recognized him in color
he keeps going on and on as she reads a book
then he sez sorry and she sez shes b--chy over him not taking her down river
he sez theyd get iced if they go
but then goes
theres lotsa gators there and she sez the sun will be in the germans eyes as they get there
isn't this how primeval started?
Africa at war and gators?
then they see the german base on a hill
its like the command center in power rangers
they hide in the boat as the germans open fire and hit the boiler and steam comes out
also they hit the gelatin boxes
boaty ties a cloth on a pipe and tapes it up
this somehow helps
1 sniper cant hit as the sun is in his eyes
they get by
then go through more rough water
btw we're like halfway through this film
it felt like nothing
so they get through, celebrate and smooch
but now they need more fuel
after getting wood and Hepburn pumps this thing, boaty has a food thorn
so she gets it out
they have a tender hug and it fades out
la he wakes up and they chat
in the real version they were b0ning
he tells her his real name is Charlie
hes in a good mood and wants to blow the gunboat
later he makes faces at a hippo which could count as a hate crime in Canada
but then they're at a waterfall and go over
boaty goes under da boat and checks for damage
the shaft and propeller is all f'd
she suggests fixing it under water
he does but its tough
so she helps
they also weld a propeller thing fixed
they boat a while and see weird africanimals
later bugs come at em and they cant go in da water as theres crocs
all I can think of is Orlando jones in primeval yelling "I hate f--king Africa"
boatgart hides her under a blanket and uses a wood thing to push da boat
I recall playing wheel of fortune on my moms 80s computer in da 90s and one answer was "the African queen"
that was the 1st time I heard of this film
then they go down a small river and use wood things to push da boat
what are they eating on this trip?
I assume they are sh-tting in the river
so boaty mcboatface pulls the boat through the water on a rope like regigigas from pokemon platinum
after it he's covered in leaches
she uses salt on em
remember in sand by me where that kid had a leach on his parts?
well she don't check his parts
I hope hes not circimsized!
he sez he hates leaches more than anything
then he goes back in da water to pull the boat
she goes in too to chop plants
later he's resting and I think he got aids or something
she prays for him
nowaday's theyd not have that
except to make er look bad
later its raining
when did this turn into dante's inferno?
going through a grand tour of h-ll
so the rain adds water to da river and it floats more down stream
when they wake up they're on da lake
so they didn't need to trudge through that h-llswamp as the rain was gonna flush em out anyway
later they see the gunboat headed for em
their boat is dinky
its like the size of a big orca or something
I thought it was bigger
so they go back in the plants to hide
they drop da gunboat and plan to use the kamikaze
after calculating when the gunboat will return and making torpedoes, they shine up the boat to look good when it goes to h-ll
she wants to be the one to do the kamikaze as its her idea and shes good at boating
he sez he wants to do it but she wants to do it together
he wants her to stay behind and she gets whiney and he folds
then the gunboat comes by
then its night and the winds going
its a storm and its hard for her to steer
then they start sinking
what next? sharks?!
so they go under and boaty calls for her and it fades out
this is a lot like f w murnau's amazing 20s film "sunrise"
then they cut to boaty being interrogated by germans and if he lies he gets the gallows
he sez he swam to an island to fish
but the area is forbidden to all but workers of zee Kaiser
he gets sentenced tp being lynched
not sure the ww1 germans were that strict
a boat comes by with Hepburn in it and they call to eachother
but then sez he don't know her and thought he did
she sez they were boating
se learns boatgart is getting the noose and admits to trying to take out the gunboat so she can go to h-ll with him
he tells em how he made torpedoes and their plan to sink it
and of their whole adventure
so they're gonna get strung up and bogart wants the captain to marry em
but its not a real marriage
might as well get scott mcneil from beast wars to do the ceremony
and at a comic shop
so they get married and b4 they get strung up, the gunboat hits the afroican queen with its torpedo sticking up and sinks
how convenient
why not just have a meteor hit the boat?
I expect that from a buster Keaton thing or pinky and the brain
not a srs Hollywood movie
so all the germans are gone and they are free and swim away
the end
that was pretty good
no need for loud violent action or naked chocks or tokens or swearing
its clean, well paced, and has a good story
the ending is kinda cr-ppy with how it resolved it
but so did the penalty with lon chaney and the shock with lon chaney in the 20s
the way they had the germans was kinda extreme though
at least they weren't cannibals in here
I liked it and even Hepburn wasn't too awful in this film
I think this won the Oscar or something
john huston does it again
holy f it was filmed in the congo!
that place is pretty f'd up
for the African queen 2 I want them to have been living in the wilderness and have a family of teens who they trained to be proper Englishmen but look like cavemen. also every now and then theres an attack of a huge monster. turns out, its a Mokele-mbembe and they are in its breeding grounds and its really lusty and violent on hormones. so they gotta get to a new area before it wacks em. its also a 16 bit platform game on sega genesis , super Nintendo and turbografix 16 where you play as one of the teens and get through jungle levels and fight africanimals with home made weapons to get your family safe.

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