Monday, November 19, 2018

Rhodes Of Africa Review

note I spell American.
Rhodes of Africa
this is my review of Rhodes of Africa from the 30s
it stars walter Huston who's so john Huston did great films
I saw this once on tcm years ago and thought it was ok
i'm kinda into the 1800s and history
this was made not too long after the silent era so its kind of like an early n64 game after years of playing sega genesis
I think 1 guy won an Oscar from this
so after opening credits that aint 4 minutes of cr-ppy logo's, we get a thing thanking the gov of Rhodesia
then a title card saying its about cecil Rhodes who set out to unite a continent
the only Rhodes I know of are alexis Rhodes from Yugioh gx (and her brother Atticus) and dusty Rhodes who I only know of because of Tourette's guy saying he was a fat wrestler from the 80s
the title card scrolls saying how great was and was a great warrior to those he conquered
and the natives gave him a royal salute that they gave no other white man
breaking the color barrier
ten a narrator saying in 1870s south Africa was unexplored
in the south were the brits
in the north, the boers who were descended from the dutch
I assume the brits are the bad guys
norther were the native warriors
then we see kids playing marbles but a guy finds out 1 is a diamond
then the brits start diamond digging
but 1st a royal proclamation
ending with "god save the queen"
which god?
and why does she need saving?
probably from her sins of oppression against those she dominates
after many scenes of diamond hunting, a bunch of dirt falls into another guys claim
then the guy who's mine was spilled in finds out one of his diggers was swallowing diamonds
he gives his men a bottle of castor oil and they take him away
i'm not sure what that does as I never had it
but I assume its gonna make him blast it out of one or both ends
later theres a card game and 1 guy who I think is Rhodes sez that each man trying to earn his diamonds himself isn't working out
and he wants to amalgamate
spilled guy wants to control every claim
so its like Disney buying everything and cr-pping it up
i'm looking at you power rangers and star wars
then theres another card game where they cut the deck and the higher card wins
in Yugioh theres rarity, level and points you can win by cutting
I think Rhodes wins but I;m not sure if its Rhodes
its hard to recognize walter huston when he was so young.
later a guy gets checked out by a dr
turns out Rhodes has 6 years left
or 6 months if he don't take it easy
like goku going ss3 vs buu
Rhodes gives his backstory about being 1 of 12 kids
and how in Africa theres so much space
and people work there and return to soviet england
and he wants to start a colony in Africa
so englind will do better
if only he new of the freedom that is America
instead of being a slave to the regent
and he has a good start in diamonds
10 years later Rhodes controls all the mines in south Africa
dr and Rhodes talk about how he lasted so long
dr; when I listened to your chest, I thought your heart was queer. when I listen to you, I thought you were queer!
yeah in the 1800s it didnt sound like south park
but nowadays...
then a guy comes in and don't know how Rhodes beat him
Rhodes sez the guys shareholders sold him out
the guy sez how Rhodes had more advantages than him and asks why he bought him out
nowaday's they'd try to make him look evil for that
being higher status and cooler and richer
guy then sez how both came to Africa with little and worked their way up
so its like pokemon
beating your rival and becoming the new champion
rhdes sez the reason he won is cuz he saw beyond the diamonds
while guy wanted just the diamonds, Rhodes wanted to use the diamonds
man this is like Yugioh or something
and we skipped the whole story of their rivalry and clashes and went to the part he beats him
like Yugioh the 4kids anime skipped season 0 and started with the final battle with kaiba
Rhodes makes rival in charge of the diamonds and lets him in his country club as hes great at diamonds
later Rhodes controls 90% of the diamond sales
like Nintendo in the video game market b4 the genesis
then Rhodes wants to get into gold
hope he don't replace is b0ner with it
the board don't wanna get into other options
so Rhodes pulls out his revolver and begins taking them out one at a time
really he talks em into it with a speech
but its still not enough
so he sez he and his homie have enough shares to control the company
his homie gives a speech that can be taken out of context nowadays
they agree to do it for some reason
then text sez Rhodes didn't dal with paul krugar, the president of some place and possible ancestor of freddy kruger
paul is having tea with some people and 1 chick likes Rhodes
paul sez his people are being pursued by the brits f greed and he don't trust em
also Rhodes is going to the norther to meet the natives
and paul wants to beat him there
later Rhodes is traveling and the natives appear and encircle his wagon
then walk with the wagon to their village
they meet the king and a reverend is a translator
king don't like whites as they want gold
so he wants to purge his country of em
sounds like a tumblr malcontent
Rhodes offers to work with king to keep the gold hunters away
but a boer comes in and sez paul already made a deal with em
Rhodes tries to turn king Against boers for stuff their ancestors did (just like tumbler malcontents)
he then sez he serves the "great white queen" which sounds like that thing from that kids book I read in the 90s about this brother and sister in this cold place and the brother's heart was turned cold or something and would only return after he put together this shattered ice thing (maybe a snowflake)
and he shows king a coin with the queens face, which amazes all the natives and wins them over
Rhodes gives king a contract which he signs with a + and had the rev read to him
clockwork orange guard; don't sign it! read it!!
wait, I f'd up
don't read it! sign it!
that's how it went
later Rhodes goes to meet paul
paul isn't into Rhodes but Rhodes is friendly and tells him he got the deal with the king
paul sez he hates Rhodes advancements and Rhodes sez its gonna happen anyway
sorta like me perfering sega genesis over playstation
and how if they don't work together then they'd end up fighting
but paul don't submit
later Rhodes makes Rhodesia
and rules it
but he's all f'd up now
and theres malaria, rain, crop f'd'ness and other cr-p stopping him from uniting south Africa
and no gold
and they're running outta cash
and paul has the gold lands
and theres lots of brits in the area
and 1 guy wants Rhodes to start an uprising
but he don't wanna
btw they just skipped over his making a new country and his rise to ruling it
so he gts the people of the boers country to complain to paul about how they came and helped his country get better but they get treated cr-ppy
I question how accurate this is as its the british side complaining in a brittish made movie
yet when mel Gibson makes a movie like braveheart where the brits are the bad guys, he is called unfair
also if those brits don't like living there I don't see why they stay
they're like whiny 30 year old teens who b--ch about moving out if their rents don't bow to em
or the French Canadians who keep saying they wanna break away from real Canada
so paul has enough of their cr-p and walks away
so the whiners go to Rhodes and suck up to him about all the good a55 cr-p he made
also Rhodes imported ladybugs from America to wipe out pests
nowadays the animal dinks would go mental over that
the whiners wanted Rhodes cops to back em up in protest they know will turn violent
so when paul said "if there's war, it will be because of the british" he was right
and the whiners say it can help him unite south Africa
Rhodes starts building a railway at the boarder
but its really bringing guns into there
brits using guns?
but they fear and hate them!
its like vegans eating burgers
later the whiners are getting impatient
and 1 sends a message saying unless he hears otherwise, he's gonna invade tonight
they wind up getting a message from Rhodes to invade
but the message actually sez not to move in
and the telegraph wires were cut
paul kisses his wife and goes out on his white horse like master asia in mobile fighter g Gundam
later this chick who liked Rhodes but wrote a book calling him a killer  comes by
she only did it out of being malcontent over not having him and sez sorry
shes also mad at him for doing something to someone but i'm not sure what 100%
I think he fought the natives maybe
this movie is more tell than show
so she knows hes behind the forces on the boarder
and if they cross, its war
but there only like 10 mins of movie left
are they gonna cram a whole war in there
she wants him to prevent the war
but hes ok with war if it means uniting it under his rule
is he some latter day oda nobunaga?
she sez if hes like that then Africa would be better w/o him
and history will hate him for it
spoiler: they wound up loving him for it and only recently did revisionists start hating him
he sez the forces wont march but a guy comes in and sez they marched
but it was an ambush and paul has em in prison
they were the bad guys!
so Rhodes thinks hes f'd but the chick sez she wont write a book against him
if this were today she'd have a tumblr page to blog about her cr=p
later Rhodes goes to see paul and its revealed long ago someone bit it and paul blamed Rhodes
and Rhodes takes responsibility for the whiners malcontent uprising to get em freed
Rhodes said he resigned from his stuff he did and wants to save his friend
it doesn't say what happened with the whiners as it fades to a title card saying years later was the boer war
south Africa was united but Rhodes bit it b4 that
then we see Rhodes in bed with a dr by him and word comes the boers are retreating
Rhodes sez this native guy gave orders for his body to be put on a high place like a mountain or hill or w/e
then he bites it and the natives have a thing where they say their magic word
then narration saying how good he was and a slow pan to his memorial plack to triumphant music
they gave away the ending at the start
the end
that was pretty good
its not too long
only a bit over an hour
it glosses over most of his life with only a few key details shown
sort of like the Urotsukidoji ova's (the 1st 3)
its well acted and is a pretty good biopic
I liked it
and it didn't tack on a love story or heavily alter the real events to my knowledge
even though it focused on the brits as the good guys it was still well done
although now some tumblr commie might go mental over white historical figures shown as the good guys
for Rhodes of Africa 2 I want it to be ww1 and the boers are tired of being oppressed by the brits. so they send a team into the jungle to find an ancient treasure that can give them superhuman powers. they find a lost temple and explore it to find the magic item that can fire microwave beams at people and cook them until they burst like popcorn or potatoes in the microwave. its also an 8 bit game gear Gameboy and Atari lynx game where you go to the temple and solve puzzles and fight ancient mechanical gear golems to get the magic item

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