Rhodes Of Africa Review

note I spell American.

Rhodes of Africa

this is my review of Rhodes of Africa from the 30s

it stars walter Huston who's so john Huston did great films

I saw this once on tcm years ago and thought it was ok

i'm kinda into the 1800s and history

this was made not too long after the silent era so its kind of like an early n64 game after years of playing sega genesis

I think 1 guy won an Oscar from this

so after opening credits that aint 4 minutes of cr-ppy logo's, we get a thing thanking the gov of Rhodesia

then a title card saying its about cecil Rhodes who set out to unite a continent

the only Rhodes I know of are alexis Rhodes from Yugioh gx (and her brother Atticus) and dusty Rhodes who I only know of because of Tourette's guy saying he was a fat wrestler from the 80s

the title card scrolls saying how great was and was a great warrior to those he conquered

and the natives gave him a royal salute that they gave no other white man

breaking the color barrier

ten a narrator saying in 1870s south Africa was unexplored

in the south were the brits

in the north, the boers who were descended from the dutch

I assume the brits are the bad guys

norther were the native warriors

then we see kids playing marbles but a guy finds out 1 is a diamond

then the brits start diamond digging

but 1st a royal proclamation

ending with "god save the queen"

which god?

and why does she need saving?

probably from her sins of oppression against those she dominates

after many scenes of diamond hunting, a bunch of dirt falls into another guys claim

then the guy who's mine was spilled in finds out one of his diggers was swallowing diamonds

he gives his men a bottle of castor oil and they take him away

i'm not sure what that does as I never had it

but I assume its gonna make him blast it out of one or both ends

later theres a card game and 1 guy who I think is Rhodes sez that each man trying to earn his diamonds himself isn't working out

and he wants to amalgamate

spilled guy wants to control every claim

so its like Disney buying everything and cr-pping it up

i'm looking at you power rangers and star wars

then theres another card game where they cut the deck and the higher card wins

in Yugioh theres rarity, level and points you can win by cutting

I think Rhodes wins but I;m not sure if its Rhodes

its hard to recognize walter huston when he was so young.

later a guy gets checked out by a dr

turns out Rhodes has 6 years left

or 6 months if he don't take it easy

like goku going ss3 vs buu

Rhodes gives his backstory about being 1 of 12 kids

and how in Africa theres so much space

and people work there and return to soviet england

and he wants to start a colony in Africa

so englind will do better

if only he new of the freedom that is America

instead of being a slave to the regent

and he has a good start in diamonds

10 years later Rhodes controls all the mines in south Africa

dr and Rhodes talk about how he lasted so long

dr; when I listened to your chest, I thought your heart was queer. when I listen to you, I thought you were queer!

yeah in the 1800s it didnt sound like south park

but nowadays...

then a guy comes in and don't know how Rhodes beat him

Rhodes sez the guys shareholders sold him out

the guy sez how Rhodes had more advantages than him and asks why he bought him out

nowaday's they'd try to make him look evil for that

being higher status and cooler and richer

guy then sez how both came to Africa with little and worked their way up

so its like pokemon

beating your rival and becoming the new champion

rhdes sez the reason he won is cuz he saw beyond the diamonds

while guy wanted just the diamonds, Rhodes wanted to use the diamonds

man this is like Yugioh or something

and we skipped the whole story of their rivalry and clashes and went to the part he beats him

like Yugioh the 4kids anime skipped season 0 and started with the final battle with kaiba

Rhodes makes rival in charge of the diamonds and lets him in his country club as hes great at diamonds

later Rhodes controls 90% of the diamond sales

like Nintendo in the video game market b4 the genesis

then Rhodes wants to get into gold

hope he don't replace is b0ner with it

the board don't wanna get into other options

so Rhodes pulls out his revolver and begins taking them out one at a time

jk

really he talks em into it with a speech

but its still not enough

so he sez he and his homie have enough shares to control the company

his homie gives a speech that can be taken out of context nowadays

they agree to do it for some reason

then text sez Rhodes didn't dal with paul krugar, the president of some place and possible ancestor of freddy kruger

paul is having tea with some people and 1 chick likes Rhodes

paul sez his people are being pursued by the brits f greed and he don't trust em

also Rhodes is going to the norther to meet the natives

and paul wants to beat him there

later Rhodes is traveling and the natives appear and encircle his wagon

then walk with the wagon to their village

they meet the king and a reverend is a translator

king don't like whites as they want gold

so he wants to purge his country of em

sounds like a tumblr malcontent

Rhodes offers to work with king to keep the gold hunters away

but a boer comes in and sez paul already made a deal with em

Rhodes tries to turn king Against boers for stuff their ancestors did (just like tumbler malcontents)

he then sez he serves the "great white queen" which sounds like that thing from that kids book I read in the 90s about this brother and sister in this cold place and the brother's heart was turned cold or something and would only return after he put together this shattered ice thing (maybe a snowflake)

and he shows king a coin with the queens face, which amazes all the natives and wins them over

Rhodes gives king a contract which he signs with a + and had the rev read to him

clockwork orange guard; don't sign it! read it!!

wait, I f'd up

don't read it! sign it!

that's how it went

later Rhodes goes to meet paul

paul isn't into Rhodes but Rhodes is friendly and tells him he got the deal with the king

paul sez he hates Rhodes advancements and Rhodes sez its gonna happen anyway

sorta like me perfering sega genesis over playstation

and how if they don't work together then they'd end up fighting

but paul don't submit

later Rhodes makes Rhodesia

and rules it

but he's all f'd up now

and theres malaria, rain, crop f'd'ness and other cr-p stopping him from uniting south Africa

and no gold

and they're running outta cash

and paul has the gold lands

and theres lots of brits in the area

and 1 guy wants Rhodes to start an uprising

but he don't wanna

btw they just skipped over his making a new country and his rise to ruling it

so he gts the people of the boers country to complain to paul about how they came and helped his country get better but they get treated cr-ppy

I question how accurate this is as its the british side complaining in a brittish made movie

yet when mel Gibson makes a movie like braveheart where the brits are the bad guys, he is called unfair

also if those brits don't like living there I don't see why they stay

they're like whiny 30 year old teens who b--ch about moving out if their rents don't bow to em

or the French Canadians who keep saying they wanna break away from real Canada

so paul has enough of their cr-p and walks away

so the whiners go to Rhodes and suck up to him about all the good a55 cr-p he made

also Rhodes imported ladybugs from America to wipe out pests

nowadays the animal dinks would go mental over that

the whiners wanted Rhodes cops to back em up in protest they know will turn violent

so when paul said "if there's war, it will be because of the british" he was right

and the whiners say it can help him unite south Africa

Rhodes starts building a railway at the boarder

but its really bringing guns into there

brits using guns?

but they fear and hate them!

its like vegans eating burgers

later the whiners are getting impatient

and 1 sends a message saying unless he hears otherwise, he's gonna invade tonight

they wind up getting a message from Rhodes to invade

but the message actually sez not to move in

and the telegraph wires were cut

paul kisses his wife and goes out on his white horse like master asia in mobile fighter g Gundam

later this chick who liked Rhodes but wrote a book calling him a killer  comes by

she only did it out of being malcontent over not having him and sez sorry

shes also mad at him for doing something to someone but i'm not sure what 100%

I think he fought the natives maybe

this movie is more tell than show

so she knows hes behind the forces on the boarder

and if they cross, its war

but there only like 10 mins of movie left

are they gonna cram a whole war in there

she wants him to prevent the war

but hes ok with war if it means uniting it under his rule

is he some latter day oda nobunaga?

she sez if hes like that then Africa would be better w/o him

and history will hate him for it

spoiler: they wound up loving him for it and only recently did revisionists start hating him

he sez the forces wont march but a guy comes in and sez they marched

but it was an ambush and paul has em in prison

good!

they were the bad guys!

so Rhodes thinks hes f'd but the chick sez she wont write a book against him

if this were today she'd have a tumblr page to blog about her cr=p

later Rhodes goes to see paul and its revealed long ago someone bit it and paul blamed Rhodes

and Rhodes takes responsibility for the whiners malcontent uprising to get em freed

Rhodes said he resigned from his stuff he did and wants to save his friend

it doesn't say what happened with the whiners as it fades to a title card saying years later was the boer war

south Africa was united but Rhodes bit it b4 that

then we see Rhodes in bed with a dr by him and word comes the boers are retreating

Rhodes sez this native guy gave orders for his body to be put on a high place like a mountain or hill or w/e

then he bites it and the natives have a thing where they say their magic word

then narration saying how good he was and a slow pan to his memorial plack to triumphant music

they gave away the ending at the start

the end

that was pretty good

its not too long

only a bit over an hour

it glosses over most of his life with only a few key details shown

sort of like the Urotsukidoji ova's (the 1st 3)

its well acted and is a pretty good biopic

I liked it

and it didn't tack on a love story or heavily alter the real events to my knowledge

even though it focused on the brits as the good guys it was still well done

although now some tumblr commie might go mental over white historical figures shown as the good guys

for Rhodes of Africa 2 I want it to be ww1 and the boers are tired of being oppressed by the brits. so they send a team into the jungle to find an ancient treasure that can give them superhuman powers. they find a lost temple and explore it to find the magic item that can fire microwave beams at people and cook them until they burst like popcorn or potatoes in the microwave. its also an 8 bit game gear Gameboy and Atari lynx game where you go to the temple and solve puzzles and fight ancient mechanical gear golems to get the magic item