Sunday, July 14, 2019

The Golden Child Review

note; I spell exotic (as in bad)
Thre Golden Child
This is my review on the golden child from 1986
its got eddie murphy and james hong from waynes world 2
I never saw this b4 but heard its cr-p
its directed by the guy who did fletch and the 1st bad news bares
people say this movie s-cked but i might like it
i never saw it b4 so here goes
it starts in the mountains of asia and theres awesome 80s music like a jean claude van damme movie
btw this dont use cg and looks better than 90% of movies today
so theres this kid who has powers and revives a dead parrot
if only he was on monty python
then the temple is invaded and i think they ice everyone
they cage the kid in this weird h r giger thing and take him away
the bird gets out and i gotta say the music in there was sorta sege genesis boss
then its america and eddy murphy is putting up posters to 80s music
good montage of city sights and 80s tunes
then on a tv show is an interview with ed and he's helping find lost kids
some chick is watching the show and this is set in soviet california
later ed is playin some b ball out inside da hood and chick comes to him to find the kid from the mountains
kid's destiny is to save the world
what is this? final fantasy?!
so there was a prophecy about ed saving him but ed don't buy it
the kid is called the golden child
later the kid ed was looking for finds the kid he was putting up posters for
well, her remains in a park
i think she was ritual sacrificed in a house nearby
california is new sodom
so chick finds ed and sez he's already working her case.
turns out the markings on the wall were evil runes or something to keep the kid contained
the kidnappers iced the girl and are feeding the golden child blood
to find out more clues, they see james hong who takes em to this chick behind glass
so the gold kid is gonna save the world but if he dies the world gets f'd
and nothing in this world harms him but if he does stuff impure it wont last
also one of the glass chick's ancestors was b0ned by a dragon and now she is over 300
she did this rattling thing and a long body moved around behind the glass
i thought she was some kind of human centipede
so at night ed trys to seduce the chick but it dont work
meanwhile the bad guys try slingshotting stuff At da kid but it dont work
also a pepsi can comes to life, folds into a humanoid and dances to put it on the ritz
kid still wont eat their blood and oatmeal and has psychic powers like in akira or dbz and can move things
then ed looks out his window and sees the kid glowing out there ad sending him a bird
he vanishes and ed gets a call saying the dead kid was with the yellow dragons biker gang or something last week
so da nexte daye ed and xhick go to the biker gang place and ed brings his .45 magnum and tels chick to staye behinde
ed hops a fence and scares a fam and takes some chips
chick follows and ed sneaks in a place as da bikers watch a rock video
ed gets caught and chick sneaks in
they tie him up and a guy coughs on ed
hs gonna get aids now
so xchick comes in n beats em up and frees ed who then beats on em
this just turned into double dragon
then ed tells her off for not following his orders
ed interrogates a biker and eats on him to find out they sold the girl to a guy to make a black arts deal
ed then kills him with a fist to the face
in the real version th guys jaw came off and ed took his hands off with it
ed goes to the guys they sold her to and tells em he wants to see the guy who owns the place or he kikka yu a55
ed and chick fight a guy and chase him but i think his soul tturns imto a rat or the guy who killed him did
i wasnt looking
chick tells ed they are fighting daemons
what is this? castlevania??
maybe ghouls and ghosts
manwhile, head bad guy goes to h-ll and taks to dr claw from inspector gadget
he's told to get this magic dagger to ice the gold kid as its not of this world
bad guy appears to ed in his dream and its all f'd so ed figgers out its a dreem
he trys to buy edd but ed dont fall for it
they burn eds arm with a cigar and tell him to trade the kid for a dagger
ed then finds chick in a bikini and tied up in toilet paper and is gonna b0ne her but fights a guy
he wakes up and has an arm burn
they see dragon glass chick and she tells em the dagger iced the 2nd gold kid, the one of justice
they need ed to go to asian to get the dagger as hes the chosen one
so after going up to eddys apartment and probably b0ning she gets him to go to asia
huh, the chick in here was b0ned by roman polanski w/o consent
but soviet hollywood still loves him
while in asia ed trys to buy sometjing from a guy who gives him a cr-ppy necklace and takes a 100$ bill
he speaks perfect english and escapes with his cash
so they take a boat and go up a  mountain and its starting to seem like demon lord dante in here
in da placethe guy who jacked eddy is there and asks eddy to ask for the dagger when chick trys
he tells ed only a pure hearted man cann have and use the dagger
to get it he must carry a glass of water w/o spilling any and walk a path
he goes into a cave and its like landstalker the treasures of king nole on sega
he has to walk across these stone pillers over a bottomless pit
and cross a cr-ppy bridge and theres fire blasts
and the stone things can fall
is this a zelda game?!
he gets to da dagger but teres fire so he drinks the water and it stops
so ed gets it and returns and asks the 100$ guy for girl advice
he sez n0 j-rkin off and stay pure
also be honest or something
also the guy is kinda a slob so jim carry i meen eddy murfy lets him keep da 100$s
then 100$ guy tells chick to trust and go for eddy and its revealed hes her dad
so ed dont think they will let him on a plane with a 2 foot knife udner his shirt
ed plants a knife on this american and when it sets off the metal detector he sez hes a lost art cop and fasttalks his way outta it
at america bad guy brings the cops saying ed has his stolemn property
ed goes with it and wants the cops to book him as if they do, the blade is evidence until after the trial in up to a year later
bad guy lets him go and they go to some house in the country
but at night the baddz attack and ed/chick fight
bad guy can teleport around like The Dark Queen in battlemaniacs and the chick gets shot in the back and bites it
also she sez she b0ned him cuz she loved him
ed goes to dragon glass chick and she sez if gold kid heals her while sun is still on he she can be revived
also we see her and shes a naga
btw ninja scroll ripped off the chick getting iced after b0ning the hero b4 the final fight
he followes the bird like in zelda and gets to the baddz base
ed gows in and a guy has him at crossbowpoint but a big guy snaps crossbows neck and takes him to the child
they free the gold kid and ed goes to fight bad guy boss
bad guy boss turns into a daemon and ed books it with gold kid
they escape in a car hotwired by gokld kids magic touch and dragon daemon boss chases
gold kid uses his powers to help ed get in a building and they fight the boss and the place caves in on boss
can the gold kid fly?
i mean by using his mind moving power on himself like in dbz
so ed and kid escape and the sun is going down
they get to da chick and boss busts outta the ground and trys to shank ed with the dagger
but the medal 100$ gave ed protects him
ed shanks bad guy boss with da dagger and he goes to h-ll
then gold kid revives chick
later chick is gonna bring kid back to asia and and they walk off to the city
the end
that was pretty good
i mean its not super awesome but its entertaining and light and has that cool 80s feel
good music and acting and fun and effects and clever ideas
i enjoyed i and it has a lot of things used by 80s and 90s video games
plus, unlike most stuff today, the main hero isnt a wiener who cant do it on his own
he does stuff and gets by on his skill and wit and power
its not the best movie ever, but its entertaining
that 80s style is what i grew up with in the early 90s
For The Golden Chi;d 2 i want eddy murphy to be working with the chick from the 1st one at finding mising kids and theres a group of hollywood elites who kidnap and b0ne and eat the kids. so eddy and the chick go around saving kid after kid and piecing togerther who the lead of the hollyweird degenerates is and their base full of half eaten and often b0ned childen. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you go through the rotting cesspoole of hollywood and fight child purvurts while working your way up. its a 2 player game and one player is eddy and one is chick and its an action game like zelda but with 2 players going from zone to zone square segmnt to square segment to clear stuff and solve piuzzels.

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