Saturday, July 6, 2019

Children Of The Corn Review

Note: i spell like i got corn in the a55
children of the corn
this is my review of children of the corn from the 80s
its by hal roach studios who did the little rascals
guess he had to get with the times and be dark and gritty
its got peter horton from amazon women on the moon and linda hamilton from bermuda tentacles
also john franklin from my fave ep of highway to heaven, the one with the ret-rded homeless kid and his cat
i was moved to tears by that one
true innocent love
if you ever read this john franklin, that episode changed my life
now when i say something mean i think, what would that kid think, and try to be a better man
its also got Julie Maddalena from power rangers in space and digimon and lily c.a.t.
so in nebraska 3 years ago, this 1 kid who went to church instead of going to the corn field to j-rk off with the other kids tells the story
despite seemingly being in the 80s it looks 50s
at this diner he gets a milkshake and sees malachi at a pinball machine and some kids come in
highway to heaven kid (who's like 30 but ages slow) looks inside and drresses amish and all the adults bite it
well 1st the choke but then the kids chop em up
all over the area ids chopped up adults and main kid's brother started drawing pictures in crayon of happy kids iwacking people and going back to tech from the slavery days
then credits
this is what happens when u teach ur kids global warming is real
they attack the makers of co2
anyone breathing
then peter and linda are in a hotel and she gives him a small cake with 1 candle as its his birthday
was this where highway to heaven got it from?!
thats sick!!
so linda gives peeder a harmonica and dances to a 40s song and then they make out
so he's going to a place to be a dr and has to get there soon
btw i never saw this b4 but i did see children of the corn 002 on tv
while watching it i would say "corn in the a55! corn in the a55!"
later i was talking to my gf on the phone and i kept saying it
later she's like "anything else on your mind?" and i said "corn in my a5555555" and she sed "except dat!!" and i laffed
so back in soviet nebraska 1 kid wants to run away but 2 kids wanna run away with him
but they cant as they'd get in da way
also her drawing and listening to a record player is against da roolz dawgg
so the kid tries to run away through a corne
i mant da corne but my keyboard f'd out and i thought it looked fun
so the teens peeder and linda listen to a bible guy on da radioe and mock him
to quote weird al; he'd be laffing his head off, while they're burning in h-ll
so da kid running in da corn gets shanked by someone and some time the teens run over this kid in da roade
its the kid who got shanked
so man teen goes to investigate and girl teen goes to the car to hide
he finds shanked teens breifcase and the shanker goes to the car with a knife
btw the lighting is inconsitant
b4 her face was in the sun and now its not
she goes out and goes to the body and its a zombie!!
but its a dreeam!!!
so boy teen takes the run over kid and puts him in the trunk to eat later and drives off
so the main kids are playing in their olde house and talking about growing up and having all the money in da world
also he cheets at monopoly but his sister catches him
if you cheat its not a real win
officially it might be one bt not for real
like how officially, oj didnt chop up anyone
so then the shanker throws a knifew at the game board
also boy teen knows the kid was dead when they ran him over
so main kids are taken to issic who was in highway to heaven and he's shown the picturres she drw of the car coming
they aint gonna be punished as issac hayes is workoing for some cosmic evil who tells him what to do
so teens drive and go through the breifcase and find a crusifix made of straw and corn
they come to a gas station run by a guy wjo dont want em there
him and his dog get antsy and tells em to skip the nexte towne
they go on and nature gets f'd with wind and clouds
so as teens drive the signs don't make sense and contradict eachother
david gasman finds his dogs blood soaked neck thing and gets iced by kids
is this where pet semetary got it from?
at least they weren't toddlers
so the teens go through da cornfiend and are back where they came from
so they go to the on they shouldnt go
then iccas has a sermon of this guy in da corn who told him cr-p
and that the teens comming are gonna be bad
and they got a crucified guy in the cornfield they worship
so teens arrive and its a ghoste towne so they go in a diner
its rotted like ms havishams place in that dickens p0rn0 and they see kids in da street
they car chase em but the kids get away
they give up and leave but on the way go in a house that window moved
its empty but they hear something and he goes up and seez da drawings
then finds main girl who sez da grownups are in da cornfield
is that from the twilight zone ep with that magic kid?
he leaves to investigate again and she stays behind with the girl
is this gonna be like sonic 06 with the chick getting caught?
while hes out, the kids go to the house to get her
she throws a lamp and it misses badly
how do you miss from dat close!?
freekin cr-pmobile arms!
its amazing she took ouit a terminator
so they carry her out and shes w/o shoes
imma note it as movies oftewn f it up
main girl drew girl teen gettimng grabbed by kids in da corne
boy teen goes back after seeing a drawing of a blonxde being cooked by a dragoin in the field
at da corn foield issac and malachi bicker like starscream and megatron as malachi f'd up too much
malachi wanted to ice the main kids but she mas esp isaac asamox can use
issac needs boy teen too and biy teen sees da drawing and goes to da korn
so boy teen goes out and the corn opens for him
imagine, someone in a corn field j-rkin off corn and the cobs shoot cornsilk it could be stop motion or claymation.
the kids hoist gorl teen up on a cross and rthen this guy carves his chest in a church as they collect his blood in a corncob bowl and they drink it
also its in a disfigurted church
also they gon get aids
boy teen comes in and stops it
the kids have a list of people they sacrifced at 19 and one kid shanks main guy
he runs after taking out the knife which should ake it bleed more but he trips an lands chas 1st so its a good idea
they surround him and he runs
why not just beat em up?
they're kids
you can take em
plus ur a dr so you know human weak points
so he hides in a barn or w/e and snealk attacks malachi in the leg
better finish him off while you can
nope, he runs
he meets main kid and they escape in a basement storm celler
they go to his dads bunker built to avoid the commies and fill in main guy teen
so malachite stands up to isasac and pulls a knife on him
the men take issac and string him up
good acting btw
he can play pure hearted kids and villians
so macachi brings guirl teen out and cuts her face with a knife which will get a cool scar to bring boy teen out
after patchung his chest wound they go out and the knifed kid is gonna be sacrificed
main kids and he go to a barn to watch then main boy teen goes to the coarn field and its night
so then this underground thing moves and this 80s glow effect eats issac and shoots him in da air
boy teen comes in, sneak attacks malaci and tells off the kids for following some nut who told em to chop up their rents
malachi sneak attacks him and they brawl
juist grab his parts
that'll stop him
so boy tee beats up a 14 year old and throws a knife at malachite but misses
then issac comes back as a daemon and wastes malachi
then a storm f's out and the kids and teens hide in the barn
a kid sez theres a bible verse that scared off the cosmic evil and its about a fale prophet going to h-ll
but as stopped by malachi icing him
they realise they gotta torch the cornfield so he hooks up a hose and thing and goes out
the corn attacks him but he cuts out
wait, its main kid boy who cuts him out
he hooks the hose to the pipes and turns on the pump then torches the place with a burning cloth
but misses throwing it so the main mal kid has to do it
kid's running and main teen is yelling like pet sematary
teen gets another shot cuz its in the script and it works
the corn blows and they run as weird 80s effects go to h-ll
so they go to their car and its corned up
oh and she's not wearing shoes
they decide to walk to da next town and keep the main kids
but in the car is a bad kid who comes at main guy with a blade
he easily beats her down as she's a dinky kid and he;s a full gown a55 man
they walk to the next town and leave her there to be b0ned by squirrels
the end
that was pretty good
not too scary or shocking
not too gory or gooey
nice tame 80s horror movie
simple plot and a few good twists
good acting and i can see a lot of stuff steven king used in his other stuff in here
for children of the corn 2 i want the teens and kids to be leaving the town but the survivors or the cult are after em. using the little girl's esp they know how many kids are after em in each area AND GOTta take em out main teen guy don't wanna ice em but when they start eating his woman alive he snaps and busts their heads in. also its an up to 4 player beat em up on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as ether kid or teen and beat down cult kids with your attacks and items.

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