Thursday, October 24, 2019

Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children Review

note; i spell peculier
miss peregrine's home for peculiar children
this is my review for miss peregrine's home for peculiar children from 2016 (the year mazin saga happened kinda)
its by tim burton and has samuel l jackson, judy dench and a buncha candy a55 kids i never heard of
its based on a book i never read and starts in soviet florida where this loser kid talks about not fitting in
he gets a lift from some chick to grandpas place and calls him on a cell phone
Stamp: Who is this?
Jake: This is Jake.
Jake from State Farm.
Stamp: What are you wearing?
Jake: Uhh...kakis?
grandpa's son took his key to his gun cabinet and grandpa needs to defend himself
cuz yoy can totaklly hold out 55 mins util the cops show up
they get to granpas place at night and hes gone and someone broke in
he goes in da woods anf finds grandpa and calls an ambulance but grandpa gives him some info and tells him to go somewhere and time and something about a bird
then he bites it saying he should have told him years ago
is this dragon ball evolution?!
in da woods this big thing comes after the chick he rode with and she opens fire but its gone
then its a 1 month later and he's in the nuthouse
grandpa fought monsters in the war and the cops said it was dogs who came in and iced grandpa gohan
then a long flash back of grandpa telling his past to kid main guy of him in a bird lady's school for kids with weird powers in a hidden island
is this x men?
ohh, they are polish!!
my mom sez we poles are weird
i asked: like johnny depp and tim burton? or like tommy wiseau?
mom; tommy wiseau!
so kid hero tells his class and they laff at him cuz kids are a55 holes
this f's out heros confidence in grandpas storys and thinks they were metaphors for ww2 poland
its like when kids are taught evoolution and it damages their faith in the Bible and makes em turn athiest and disgruntled and wanna give animals equal rights to humans
backk in the future, heroes dad dont care grandpa got iced cuz hes a c-ck sucker
then hero moves in with his cousins and has a b day
he opens the last present from his grandpa and its a book with a photo in it with a note from miss pereguin inviting him
is this harry potter?
hero and rents chat with his shirnk and they let him go to her island to meet her
hero and dad go to the island and see a pereguin bird
dad has a bird fetish like the penguin in batman and they go to a hotel with a cripple and his nephew
hero wants to see da home for weird kids but da wont let him go alone
so dad gets some strangers to take him there
dad goes to watch birds and j-rk off to em for probably the rest of the film
the strangers they get are welsh rappers who send hero through a marsh and ditch him
he goes to a house and finds all the kids at da school were iced in da war
btw; the actor playing hero isnt a real pole
thats cultural appropriation and racist and triggering and other buzz words no one cares about
later he goes around da home and sees ghost people or something
how'd he get back?
did he return on his own?
cuz dad made a big deal of going there alone
but going the same way the other direction is ok???
he goes through something and finds all the weird kids grandpa told em about
they go through something and back at da hotel its full of p-ssed off brits who throw beer glasses at each other
then the axis attacks
oh, it it was the naked invisible girl who was naked
they drive away and its 1943
\they can do something about j fk!
stop him from wacking marilin monrow!
this chick knew he fought at the bar by calculating his weight, cart speed, and distance
she's rain man
oh and she knew his grandpa
oh thats miss pereguin
imma call her mp
she explains some people have a magic dna gene thats rare and gives em super powers
just like x men
her power makes a time loop where its the same day forever
then there's no point to anything as nothing matters!!
its groundhog day!!
they meet the other freaks and the invisible boy plays soccer wirh a guy who barfs bees
candyman or the green mile??
tgis 1 bklonde chick has floating powers and needs heavy shoes to walk  right and a rope to hold her to go up
i bet she's got power legs from that like dbz
wait, the invisible one is a guy
his voice was girly
flying girl gave up on romance after her heart was broken years ago
sorta like Souther in Fist of the North Star
1 kid brings toys to life and makes em ice each other
it looks stop motion which is good
alo tthe toys look like the toy story freak toys
hero learns grandpa visited other loops to travel
the invisible boy seems to be a nudist and they eat dinner
the kids ask hero about the future but m p tells em no
1 kid lets bees out his mouth and suucks em back like edward scissorhands and the lemonade
the kids are worried hero is gonna leave em like grandpa who left to jion the army, fell in love, got married and had a kid
also; grandpa calls and hero hears it
later 1 kid is a movie perojector and shows his dreamsthat often come true
in it hero almost kisses air girl
but mp stops it b4 they do
imagine if he had dreams of b0ning anime babes?
then they go out in gas masks and listen to 40s music as zee axis blows their lace to H E Doble England
But m p stops it b4 the hit and turns back time like dragon ball super did (which was cr-ppy!)
does she have to do this every day forever??
so hero and air girl talk in a cave and she sez she cant leave as she'd decrodde baxck to normal time
just like lost horizon!!
maybe peter pan as she worries of him growing up
so he goes back to today and the rappers reveal hero wasnt with em and that a buncha sheep got iced
were the sheep b0ned dead??
dad goes mental and overworrys about his son and drinks cuz hes a p o s candy a55 millenial raiser
hero reads a letter he jacked from m p and its fron grampa who sez someone is near this other time loop in soviet france and that loo[per needs to make a new one
later hero sneaks out and back to  shangri la and chats with mp
shes looking after a fellow time mutant and dont wanna talk about anything unplesent
the grumpy kid shows hero this dead kid he puppet controlls that dont got eyes
theres always a bad attitude rival guy wjo usually bites it in these films
btw, hero sez grandpa had his eyes eaten
adter a walk, air girl takes hero and goes under water in lead shoes and blows bubbles to give hero an air head thing
they find a boat full of skeletons and she fills the boat with air cuz its her x men power
wont the water pressure damage em?
they got a few dozen feet of water pressing on em
can she suck the air oytta people and make em implode?
hokuto ryu ken!!
uwaaaaa! hidebuuuuuu!
so its her secret hide out and shows him cards where it had bad pecukliers
grampa hunte em and stopped to protect hero
and heron is a mutant cuz only a mutant cAN ENTERa time loop
also the day mp chose to loop wasnt perfect as the thing that iced that dead guy came back
they go out and see mp snipering this tentacle monster that looks outta house of the dead or castlevania
and only hero and granndpa can see em cuz they are invisible
mp tells hero she prromised grandpa to nor tell hero until he turned 18
turned 18? like goku in dragon ball evolution??
so some mutants got tired of living in loops and wanted to become immortal and used black magic science cr-p to use the ki of the time mutants
but it tne em into freaks
like; worse freaks
btw, immortality?
like garlic jr??
they ecame hollows like in bleach and started eating magic kids eyes to regain huuman forme
is this a thing on stem cells from chiopped up babys keeping people healthy??
btw; eating eyes
and now they raid loops for kids to eat
the time mutant bird thy found is judi dench who pooped on her brotrher who b0ned her as a kid in he shipping news and mp has to make a new loop
but if she does, hero9 cant go back to his own time
so he goes back and finds theres a dead eyeless body of the geezer uncle from b4
1 guy sez he saw a guy with dark glases he thought had dead eyes
hero runs off and the guy who saw dark glasses goes after him cuz his dad is a savk of sh-t who cant run
turns out he and the shrink are samul el jaconok who followed him to the door and can shapeshift
btw; hollows taking human forme with more powers?
just like bleach!!
and i thought the mortal instruments city of bones ripped off a lot!
so jacokon and hero as his hostage goes to thee school and takes mp as a caged bird and goes
beast mode?!
thats beast wars/altered beast!!
also jackson has a hollow coming that will ice everyone and only hero can see em
judi has em stay inside and ready for battle
hero phone chats with past grandpa once to say sorry eve though he dont know him yet
judi gets takes out quick and grumpy guy gets caught by the tentacle monster
hero crossbows monster to save grumpy a55 and they run
is this the devilman manga/80s ova??
they escape and zeee axis blows their house back to H E Double New York
now da loop is closed and they are stuck in da 40s
closing the loop?
looper?! (the joeseph gordon levvit/ bruce willis movie)
so they gotta go to blackpool (milpool??) and air girol raises the sunk boatby inflating it
wont it break aopart from years under water at dat pressure?
hero and air girl realize they can change history but they'd never meet
so its sonic 2006??
also theres a new time loop but it closes at 4;30 (when hitler faked his death and went to south america) and if they dont get back, they decrode and bite it
btw hero is going around with a crossbow and no one cares
so they go to samilr l hacokons base and theres 4 hollows there as his homies aint there yet
air girl tells sailrmo l hacjons to give uo or else
its revealed his homie hollow iced grampa b4 samilr l kaikclcould get the info and the other hollows dont trust jackons much
they go after hero and grumpy guy uses his puppet powers to revive the skeletons in da boat
the kids thrtow cotton candy att the hollows and they can see em
these candy a55 kids are doing better against invisible monsters than all of england did vs 1 crazy naked man in the 30s invisible man movie
and all the people in soviet blackpool are freaking out at thses cotton candy monsters getting iced by cgi skeletons
at the bad guy base they take out the other ghollows with their powers and saion l jaokon fights through em
1 uses seeds on a hollow and grows em into a vine binding
just like poison ivy in batman
grumpy teen uses his puppet power to make an elephant thing alive and ice a guyt save the fire mutant kid
the twins use their stone powers to petrify one hollow and she shatters
you'd think they'd use that more often
is pretty useful
hero frees the time mutants and they escape in hatches in the room
why were those there?!
you gave the captives a free escape route and it was in the room you were keeping em in!!
freekin dumba55!!
what is this?! bride of frankenstein whwre the castle has a self detonating switch?!
so jacksons gonna ice hero but air girl and grmupy show up
but jackson turned into a copy of hero
they dont know what to do but the last hollow comes out and eats jacksons eyes
its pretrty f'd
its b0ming his eye holes with its tentacles!!
so hero wastes the monster and says bye to his new homies
just like future trunks saying bye to gohan and friends in the past
they go back to 43 and live real lives as they aint jumping into the future and going like that guy rotting in yhe time machine
hero goes back and grandpa is alive again
grampa gives him money and a book and tells him to find his homies
wtf this was rated 16+ in viet nam and soviet russia
and 15+ in maldives
wtf is maldives?!
is that a countey?!
dat aint no countery i ever heard of
they speak english in maldives?!
so he went around da world loop hopping and found his way back in 43
the end
how'd he get on the boat?!
it was in the ocean!!
but that was pretty good
god effects and story
it took a while to get throuh but wasnt awful
it is a lot like many other things but still works
good acting and msuic
saollin l jaocnin was entertaining in here
its soeta like percy jackson and the olympians but with bleach
i liked those and this aint bad
for miss peregrine's home for peculiar children 2 i want them to be fighting the  hollows in the 50s and are cool 50s style heroes. also they have improved their powers and are now a match for the hollows. but the hollows are planning to do a black ritual to unseal darker powers in their dna genes and mutate into en=ven more gortesque creatures the size of small buildings (if they ripped off bleach, i will to!). its also a da and psp game where you play as one of the magic kids and fight through levels of people corrupted by the hollows and devolve into ape like slug creatures.

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