Monday, April 20, 2020

A Cure For Wellness Review

note i spell bad. this movie did bad. it fits
A Cure for Wellness
this is my review for A Cure for Wellness from 2016 (the ear humans left fo mars in Mazinsaga on Sega Genesis)
its directed by gore vebrinski and stars dane dehaan  from the bad spiider man movies, jason iccases from harry pooter andcarl; lumbly from the 00s justice league show (the GOOD one!!)
its based on the book The Magic Mountain by Thomas Man (who didnt like commies or nazies and liked zee kaiser) which i never read
this film f'd out at da box office andrviews werent too great but i like cr--p solets see how it is
so it stsrts with credits over a city night zone andthis guy on his computer finding a letter with a wax seal
he gets a tummyache aand spazzes out and bites it
then the title and we cut to a guy on a train on a laptop and cell phone
he reads a letter from some guy saying once u see da truth u cant go back and goes on a rambling about human traits
so main guy goes to work at the place the 1st guy bit it as letter voice goes on about how theres a sickness in us that we deny and it builds and f's us
leter sez hes not coming bavk and dont look for him and  main guy is at a board meeting where 2 companies are gonna merge but letter guy hated it
they say main guy is responsible and girl references hi being b0ned by a big black guy in jail
they want him to go to soviet switzerland to bring letter guy back as they need him to merge
in there hes being drove by a guy asking if hes there 4 da cure and main guy is younger than most guys he drives
main  guy sez he never knew his dad and then we see him talking to his mom or w/e who is p-sssed at him for leaving her in a home and other cr-p
turns out that was a flash back and ddriver tellas main guy theres bad blood (AIDS) between the villagers and people who work on da hill
drver sez the area was owned by a baron fam and 1 wanted to marry his sister but the biggoted phobic villaggers killed em for it
in canada thats a hate crime
also it was 200 years ago
so main guy goes in but they wont let him see the letterman
so he goes back in the car and tthey  droove but a deer jumps out, gets hit, and instead of stopping, the driver keeps going and they crash
we see a scene of him watching someone cremated and he wakes up in a room with a leg in a cast and the dr sez he was out for 3 days
so he gets his crutches and wanders around seeing peiople in a pool and eventually sees a nurse who tells him where the letter guy is
he goes in da steam room and sees guys being hosed off and playing chess in a pool
he keeps going and finds himself in a room with no way out
he turns back and finds letter guy who dont wanna go back and that he and his people ruined some guy
they go on and letter guy asks what the stock is doing and eventually chooses to leave with main guy
as maiin guy is  outside, a  nurse sez this tree is where the baron hung a priest and mentions something about the water there being holy
previously, letter guy sed da human body is 65% water and that needs to be puriied
main guy chats with a chick he saw b4 his 1st leaving here who asks if hes here for da cure
so later he goes to see letter guy and his room is being cleaned
at dinner a  guy sez they use leeches for tummyaches and when main guy asks to see letter guy, they say he's not dooin good
main guy gets p-ssed at them eating time and starts  nosebleeding and blax out
so drs check him out and say its a concussion and ask if hes drinking da water
and main dr looks after chick like his daughter and she didnt speakk til 11
he sez main guy is f'd and needs to be purified from modern world pressures and needs a wwhiz sample
after main guy p-ssed in a cup he sees its gut all this sh-t in it
he's put in a water chamber that fills with a breathing thing in his mouth
dr sez life began in the oceann and we spend the 11st 9 months of ou life in water
so i guess he's an evolutionist
in da tank, he has memories of laying with a kite
when he opens his eyes theres eeles in it and a dr wont help him as he's j-rkin of to a nurses t-ts
he spazzes out and his mouth hose comes off an he dies in the tank
his body sinks to da eels as we see a kid in a caras his dad stops and jumps off a bridge
the drr finishes j-rkin off andgets him out despite his heart ending and when they look theres nothing in da water
i assume if main guy complains about the dr j-rkin off and letting him die, the union will fight for his right to j-rk of on the job
later hes talking to a patient who sez the real reason the ollagers iced da baron was dat he was experimwnting on villssgers and dried em out like mummies in Dpuble Dragon 3
also baron was trying to heal baroness
he talks to a hairless guy who dont know english and then sees chick riding a bite who sez shes got a condition
he gives her a ballerina toy froom his mom who's eyes r closed cuz shes dreaming and she drives him around on he bike
they escape the institute and go through town and in a bar he talks to driver
he asks a guy for a dr ut is told all drs are on da hill institute
over a beer, she sez her mom bit it and she takes vitamins and gives main guy some from an eye dtopper
he goes into a place and meets a mute who draws the castle burning and has the kmutes dad read his file he jacked from the institute
wait, its letter guys file and  dad sez the thing causing the letter guys issues is chroinc dehydration
also the barons sister wasnt sick, she wasnt able to breed as the kids she made were too deformed
dad cuts open a cow or hoorse or we and it spills out water and els and a weird cow baby
in the bathroom, chick puts on lipsitck and coems out and dances spazzy
main guy calls work and finds letter guy was super healthy and no one called them or told of the accident
and they got 24 hurs to get letter guy back or the deal goes up da a55
he fights a guy who tried too b0ne chick butgets beat down and nearly gutted with a big a55 knife but dr saves them
later main guy has a dream of chick in a bathtub of wiggling eels lke that chapter of kekko kamen but that had octopi
huh, this was banned in socviat viet nam and mayasianand was 12+ in france and 13+ in french canda
buncha degenerates
so main guy;'s toooth comes outand he gives it to a nurse and while she's putting it away he reads where letter guy is
he sneaks in and finds the lady who told him of stuff and her name is watkins liek sky watkins from la blue f=girl and urotsukidoji
she tells him the baroness was pregnant and the villagers cut it out and threw it in the well but i surviived and the barenoss dont know
she spazzes out or sdomething and he books it and has a smoke(he had cigarretees on him da hole time?!)
then he notices the room hes in has naked people in talks in da wallz and he sees letter guy in 1
letter guy spazzes a bit and main guy trys busting the tank with his rubber tiped crutch and vbooks it after that totally fd out
he meets the staff and they say this is a restricted floor and he covers saying he has a tooth issue
they take him to the dental room and strap him down as theyput dental meta in his face and drill open his front tooth
its pretty fd
somehow he gets out and to a car and escapes to town and sez what they were doing in there but the head cop sez they need evience and the dr and institute is important to da town
then the dr comes in saying main guy is a patient and mental and he grabs a knife from a thing
then letter guy comes out and sides wth dr and they take main guy back
later in the instiidtue he sreading a book about the baron and the toilet is spazing out and when he opens it its full of eels
but when he looks agn it none and he tears out da toiler
he writes a letter similar to the letter guys letter and breaks a glass to cut open his cast
his leg is ok and he sneaks out and bists a lock on da place the baroness got i and goes in
in there is a weird lab and a pictute of i think baroenes who looks like chick
chick puts on lipstick and goes into da pool and starts pooping blood or somethign  and da eels coome out
hairless guy dumps a body in a water and eels eat it and main guy fights and kills him
da eels leave chick and main guy runs up and meets chick who slugs him out and runs
she runs to dr and main guy gets there and fights off guards with a chair but then tells the patients are being made sick with something in da water and theres nothing wrong with em
the people stand up bu say they aint well and grab him
then he's strapped to a wheel bed and put in an iron lung and sees letter guy
dr sez stuff that rinks the water can live 300 years
and its dangeous to humans unless distilled through bodies and using eels
and sda last 200 years were the best in productivity and he shoves a tube in main guys throat and pumps eels in him with some kkinda weirrd forcefeeding fetish thing
he sez the cure for human condition is disease as only then is there hope for a cure
that dont add up
and he gets juice from this forcefeeding in an iron lung thing and gives it to chick as the vitimin dops
imagine if being forcefed eels made him devolve into some kinda phalllic creature
she sees main guy who;s borderline vegetable not and gives him his dancer thing
at night the institure guys wear white robes and hold  lamops like some kinda klansman thing and i think chick has some kinda wedding with dr
he shows her the lab dungeon thing with the picturre and sez she looks jjust like baroness did
msin guy gets it together enuff to notice something and busts a photo frame and see that dr and kid versionof chick were in the past
dr ties up her and seems like hes gonna b0ne her and its implied hes the baron and she's his kid who survived after being thhrown in the well
he tears off her dress and is gonna b0ne her but main guy comes down with gas poured around
dr sez: this is what the outside world has to offer" and pulls off his favce and shoves main guy
but main guy sets him on fire and tries to free chick
dr attax him and they fight as its either in a factory or on fire like in the lion king and aladdin
the institute burns and dr holds main guys head by the water but chick chops his head with a shovel like in braindead by peeder jackson
he falls in da water and the eels eat him and hte inmates  run around as main guy and chick escape
they escape on a biike and run into company guys there for letter guy but he's done
they want him in da car and he rides off on a bike with chick to start a new life in europe or w/e
the end
that wasnt as bad as i thought it would be
its got good creepy horror and disturbing sh-t
good music and some good themes
good mystery that slowly unveails
the acting is good and its its a decent horror film
people hated it and not many saw it, but i thought it  was ok and had a fw good moments
its kinda long but it dont drag or feel slow
for some reason i think of the movie Boy Erased when i think of this
sorta like the craft and the crow
for a cure for wellness 2 i want it to be the guy and the chick living in the woods in a hutt and eating animals but eventually some dog headed people come and they gotta fight em off. also hes devolving into some kinda eel creaturre and has  eel powers and she has pssychic attacks as a result of  the water thing. its also an 8 bit casltevania like game on nes, sega master system, tg16, game boy, game gear, atari lynx and atari 7800 where you play as one or 2 players and fight your way through the countryside against the dog head guys..

No comments:

Post a Comment