Sunday, April 5, 2020

Big Trouble In Little China Review

Note: i spell bad but the movie did worse at the box orriface
big trouble in little china
this is my review on big yrouble in little china from 1986 (When the Sega Master System came out)
its directed by john carpenter who did classix like the thing and escape from new york and has kurt russel(cool) kim catrell(ew!) dennis dun(who?), james hong (from waynes wotrld)  and  Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa from mortal kpmbat
it f'd out at the box office but everyone loves it
even the home alone kid
it inspired a lot of cr-p like mortal kombat and the rockk or dwayne johnson wants to make a sequel
i never saw this b4 but heard its cool
it was rushed to get out b4 the golden child witch waz bean made at da same time and has a lot in common with it
soo it starts with a guy named egg who drives a bus being questioned about where jack burtin is and half a block went up in green flame
might be acid fire or the black magic from da warcraft movie
so egg sez chinese black magic is real and the cop dont buy it until egg charges lightening beytween his hands
the credits to a trcuk driven by jack burton played by kurt russel whos confident and has charsima
aw gayy its widescreen!
so after gambling with chinese guys hes with a guy named wang who dont wanna put up with his cr-p
wang needs kurts cash and bets  he can cut a bottle in half with a knife
he f's out and owes kurt over 1000$ and jack stays with him til he pays
just like woth misty and her bike in pokemon
wang is gonna marry this chick and worked hard to bring her over
they see her at da airport and shes got green eyes like Nami Koishikawa from Nami SOS and there's a street gangg there and a blonde and when the gang grabs girl jack butts in
he gets bat  own and the gang flees with her and when jack and wang chase, blonde points em in the wrong wayy
but a car with the girl in it goes by and they see her in da car and jack and wang (is this a p0rn0? those names!!) go on da hunt
egg is giving a tour bus in soviet san fran sisco and jack drives his big a55 truck at him and they miss each other
ang takes jack to chinatown and edward g robinson takes out the guy b0ning his daughter with an axe(wrong movie!!)
they see a group who wang  sez is good and this meat cleaver gang comes by
1 gang shreds the good guys with machinegunfire and theres an all out shootout
thats  california. high laws against guns so only the crooks who break the law have em
then the gangs fight with traditional weapons with limb snapping and property damage
then a big poof of smoke and totaally not raiden from mortsl combat and 2 others like him comes out and take guys out with ki and lightening blasts
jack drives and runs over a guy named lo pan whos a lot like shang tsung and he gets  up and uses some light ki thing and jakc and wang run
wang sez the lords of deth who work for some gang and theres the lords of storms who are the raiden guys
so jack and wang get to a restaurant and jacks truck got jacked by the deth lords and lo pan had the boss of the good gang wacked and them being out was his momorial
and the kidnappers are gonna sell the chick they kidnapped as a secks slave like in violence jack and blonde comes in to help
so jacko dresses like clark kent and goes in to the slave auction acting like a nerd
they still got slavery? good job lincon! you totally ended it! good thing he started the war!
he sez h wants a girl with green eyes and later theres a magic thing ouside and the raidens coem in  and jack fights em
his blows do nothing and they get the girl and book it
so they talk about lo pan whos super high rank and owns a lot and is neverr seen in years
so jack and looking and wang go looking and find a hidden elevator as egg tells blonde about how lopan's positive and minus ki is unbalanced and hes turned into a daemon or somthing
jack and wang wind up under water in a talk with corpses and get beat up an tieed to wheel chairs by the raidens
they met a decroded guy who knows what they are after and needs a green eyed girl to be young again as he works for a daemon who will fix him
and decrode has been looking for a green eyes giel for 2000 years but just found her now
jack dont buy it and he and wang are wheeled in a dark eoom where jack shakes his chair over and gets off his blindfold and untied wang
wang sez the emperor sealed away lo pan in a decroded body and its an old legend aboutr black magic
blonde and friends open the locked area and jack and wang take on a guy who iflates himself by breathing in like looney toons
after they get away, drcroded guy turns into lo pan and phaes through walls to get to captured girl but his hhands phaze through her
jack and wang use firearms to take out guys and jack sneaks around the prisoner area as wang holds a guy hostage
wang and fake hostang fight guys as jack shoots the lox off da dorrz and frees the secks slaves and sez "wang! haul a55!" whoch sounds like a b0ning thing
they escape through the water and get to a door but the gang starts breaking it down
jack has the slaves hide and he wastes em with gunfire
1 survives and he and wang take him out
btw this was ratef 16+ in soviet south korea, norway and finland
candy a55 countries
so they get out buut blonde is still inside and this yokai gets herand carries her back 2 this room where decroded lo pan sees she has green eyes
blonde sees wangs girl and lopan undecroded shows up sayinh he has to marry a green eyes girl and blasts ki out his eyes and mouth holes
so the good guys go underground chinatown and through tunnels as egg sez long ago, earthquakes f'd da urth and iced people who offended their gods
meanwile, lo pan hasthe green eyes chick dragins watch his men do kung fu moves and they use their ki to lift the chix on glowing blaes to this glowing orb and this statue eyes glow
lo pan sez he gonna marry both as they syrvived the thing
in the caves this monster eats a guy
it looks better than cg
they get to lo pans turf and egg sez ko pan  ia gonna ice the chick he marrys or something to fix the emperers cr-p he did to him
they find this wrird crature thats linked to lo pan and lo pan tellls em he has 2 green eyes chix so jack shoots it and it flies off
it looks like a beholder from Dungeons and Dragons
so good guys fiind another elevator in a hollow wall and they drink some magic juice and go down to lo pans realm that looks like the 90s mortal kombat movie
lo pan puts a love needle into wangs girl (AIDS NEEDLE) And turns mortall
then wang shanks the monster and good guys fight lo pans men
jack shoots the ceuling and the falling parts of it nock him out
he gets better asthis fight goes on and lo pan aids needles the blonde
jack uses a knife in his boot to shank a armor guy
lo pan and egg fire ki beams that have shadow puppets fight
lo pan escapes with wang girl and jack saves blonde and they make out and he gets  lipstick on his face
they walk in on lo pan who sez he loves wang girl but must sacrifice her
jack comes in all confident and manly and he and wang fight a raiden guy
jack throws a knife and misses lo pan but when lo pan throws the kknife at jack, he catches it ike hes kenshiro and throws itt in to lo pans skull
so blonde wipes the lipstick off jacks face and the last raiden (the others got iced i think) inflates like a balloon and blows apart like its freekin riki-oh
he gos to his final form and looks like mortal kombat raiden and zaps lightening arund and the good guys get up the hole in the ceiling
they go through another ceiling hole with a spinning looping rope grappling hook and drop a thing on not raiden and finish him
they go through doors and find jax truk and guards open fire but all miss as egg trhows a thing that blows em
they drive out as fire trux and cops come and later at a restaurnt egg is gonna go on another adventure and jack goes off for a new adventure and rides in his truck in a storm as the sasquatch yokai thing is in the spot in the back of his truck
then credits to 80s music
the end
that was a good one
good action, 80s effects, enjoyable charactera, good music and backgrounds
kurt douglas was more of a sidekick than hero with wang being the maain guy
but kurt got most of the best lines and moments
i liked it and its a good fun lite bada55 80s ttime
i see why everyone thinks its great
carpenter does it again
for big trouble in little china 2 i want it to be the distant future year 2003 where the sasquatch yokai thing in jacks truck had mauled him and ran off but a scientist had rebuilt  him with cyber parts. then the yokai got to a h-llgate in california and opened the portal and all these daemons came out and toook over california. they have enslaved the humans and jack has been fighting for years with his cyber tech built into his bod and now has a chance to stop them with a secret weapin the daemons made that they use to keep the lesser ones under their control. also its a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba game where you play as cyber jack and fight through these h r gigar/la blue girl cities and collect items that let you unlock the last level and get the secret weapin.

No comments:

Post a Comment