Saturday, May 12, 2018

Fire Maidens of Outer Space Review

note; I never saw this b4 but heard it s-cked
Fire Maidens of Outer Space
this is my review on Fire Maidens of Outer Space
its also called Fire Maidens frpm Outer Space
it starts with a plane and credits
I never heard of any of these people
then narrator sez America and soviet England were working on something together and had a nucular nerd working on it
its called plan 13 and is a mission to space
what is this?
plan 9 from outer space part 5?
so he gets to gaye olde englande and is driven in one of their backwards cars to someplace
then 1 guy sez the space ship should be ready in a 1 week
a week later and they are ready to do the nucular space cr-p
then why have a scene saying it will take a week?
is it like the room with it going from day to night to day to show its later?
cuz they can just use a title card or text saying "later dat week"
so eventually they launch
later they call the rocket on the phone
yeah, that works
1 scientist on the rocket sez they can make it to Jupiter in 03 weeks
will they cut to that next?
oh and they watch the earth they leave
then theres some space cr-p f ing em
meteors or something
you'd think they'd have scanned ahead b4 the mission
also i'd suggest jettisoning some weight
worked with astrotrain in the transformers movie
after the space cr-p they just kill time for a while
if this were the 90s they could've brought a Gameboy
also there appears to be gravity on their spaceship
what is this? star wars/star trek/Robotech?
so they reach the 5th planit but theres fog clouds
and they gotta go to the 13th moon as that's where there may be life
they then get a phone call from someone who sez they are under their space control
rocketmen say its a friendly trip and they get instructions on where to land
btw;  gas giant and moon inhabited by space people?
that's Robotech 2 the sentinels with the masters on the 3rd moon of fantoma
they land and have a smoke
ohh 1950s
the captain knows the atmosphere on here is like earth just by looking at the guy checking the atmospheres face
how convenient
they get out and its got trees and grass
but bottle rockets attack em
they see a person who sends em a messages to head there
they find a statue
also theres a crew member photographing everything
later they hear a girly scream
its someone being b0ned!!
nah its just a woman being attacked by something
so they shoot at it and save da chick in a weird minidress tunic
they follow her to a place and the crew divides itself
2 go in and if they don't come back, the rest book it
in the building is statues and cr-p
a guy there named brathas or w/e sez hes the only man survivor from atlantis
and this is new atlantis
and hes the guy who called em
and watched their cr-p on earth
and the gotta take out some monster
what is this? light crusader on sega genesis?!
and he gives 1 of em his daughter(the chick)
and he praises Aphrodite who he said was his grandma
then brings in his other daughters
who is the mom?
so they have drinks and the daughters dance for a while
shouldn't they all be blonde is they are descended from Aphrodite?
the guys eventually fall asleep
and 1 chick kisses him
well, they are daughters of venus
I expect that theres going to be some b0ning
that's not a joke btw
haven't you read the greek/roman legends?
if you did, u'd get that joke
so the remaining guys wait til times up and return to the ship
but this thing is outside watchin em
they call home and smoke
later the guy wakes up and has a hang over
also its implied he b0ned the girl as he sez; once is enuff
they go outside of the greeky place they in and she sez now they cant be heard by wall ears or something
also after da continent sank her ancestors came to that place
he wants to leave and shes totally loyal to him
the other guy is called to bra (the grandson, last man ruler)
its revealed his guide was never outside the area and never saw the thing dat attacked the main chick
1 guy (I'm not sure which one(wait its the one they just had)) wants the chicks to leave but they don't
why u want those chicks to leave?
u turning queer on me boy?
I mean he was in a rocket for 3 weeks with no chicks
so he sez the creature is in da garden and they get freaked
back on the ship the guys smoke and see the monster
they decide to wait for the other 2 til noon
then its noon
so they go out
such good film making
the monster (which looks like those things from attack on titan) follows em
so bra tells main guy to help him make new atlantis great again
and tomorrow they gonna ice da creature
but blacks out as the chick swapped main guy and bra's wine
I think
the other guys arrive and find the entrance is sealed
then the monster come by and groans
so they say; hold ur fire! lets scare him away!
and shoot the air
that's holing ur fire
but it s nothing so they open fire on him
to no effect
so they use a gas grenade
why did they bring gas grenades to an unknown world?
did they know ahead of time it has earth like air?
cuz the guy had to scan it
and they didn't know of the meteors
so after a gas grenade the thing is gone and the guy talk about it looking caveman
also they should've gotten a photo
they talk about how theres bother a monster and a girl
in anime, that's typically how it goes
look at la blue girl with miko mido's parents
1 guy sez if theres only 1 then the other guy is last in line
in line for b0ning!!
so main guy and his chick talk about how theres no escape w/o bra's consent
and bra wont
also a chick is listening to em
and if anyone goes in or out w/o consent gets iced
oh and all chicks see the ruler of atlantis as their dad
then goes off for a while
main guy calls to the other and they tap the walls
the crew climb a tree and finds chicks in the garden
but they cant get over a wall to em
so they cut a tree as a thing to climb
as it lands over the wall it catches fire
so they try to go under da wall
then the main chick is caught and tied up by the others
meanwhile other guy in there smokes and it cuts from his burning match to the main chick cooking (actually good film making)
I think they ritual sacrificed her
and the spying chick dances
she sez atlantis code sez the 1st daughter should marry 1st (and shes 1st)
and they are gonna ice her later
but, shes on fire
also they caught the space crew
but run off to get the 1st 2 guys
1 guy moves a chair and the wall opens
what is this? the legend of Zelda??
he tells the other guy to move da chair (he does) and they gets out
they hide as the chix go by
so main chick isn't on fire and its only around her or w/e and she sez the ropes tying em get tighter with resistance
so would going limp make em fall of?
main guys get their guns from behind a curtain in bra's room and 1 sez they need his gf to get out
the chix go by again and say men are their prisoners
monster finds it way in by the hole under the wall
why didn't the chicks fill it up?
and bra wakes up
the chix dance some more by the fire and the crew likes it
bra goes outside and the monster gets him
main guys hear music and find the chix
but monster gets there 1st somehow
main guys get there and cap the monster to no effect
so they use a gas grenade and it falls over the main chick and into the fire pit behind her
oh and it took out 1 chick b4 the guys got there
they get the chick and crew out of the ropes somehow and main guy smooches main chick
they all go out and find bra is iced
and main guy and chick are new rulers
but shes going off with main guy and puts some chick in charge until shes back
and the earth will send more missions to give em husbands
they then go home
the end
that wasn't so bad
normal 50s movie
I notice a lot of similarities with queen of outer space
wtf this was 1st
I thought this was the rip off
but all in all, I kinda liked it
it wasn't awful
it had a homey 50s charm
whatever everyone hated about this, I didn't see it
not sure what the FIRE was about in fire maidens
was it the sacrifice?
also it was directed, written, produced by cy roth
if he starred in it he'd be tommy Wiseau
but I thought it wasn't bad
its got some good ideas and tries em a bit
for Fire Maidens of Outer Space 2 I want them to land on earth and the chick is pregnant from b0ning the main guy. except its a super pregnancy and she gets huuuuuuuge. also she poops out a full grown human. and it has all knowledge of everything her parents knew. also its a fish out of water comedy with the main girl finding life in the 1950s to be most queer compared to her simple life in her moon planet. also its a girly shopping style game like those Barbie games and on Gameboy where she goes through malls and dodges tires and hats and walking shoes and has to get to the sales in the time limit. and each level she gets more and more pregnant

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