Friday, January 27, 2017

The Iron Duke Review

note; my spelling s-cked but this film aint much better
the iron duke
this is my review on the irin duke
it stars some candya66 named George arliss
its a brit film about fighting napoleon
but napoleon was the good guy!
imagine an Italian film making patton look evil
so in 1815 napoleon was captured
Prussia Russia and Austria wanna weaken france and brought back the king
ironic as after a later war, the French and russians did that to the germans
this duke who fought with or against the Spaniards or w/e is called to a meeting
btw; watching this after able gance's masterpiece napoleon shows why silent films are the best
such epic exciting editing compared to mostly still shots and brits jabbering in their creepy clockwork orange accents
so after an intro explaining who' what, the duke goes to Vienna
the rulers argue over who gets what part of napoleons empire
then they learn napoleon escaped
and the elites are afraid of him rising up and bringing em down
like celebs whining about trump
also they call napoleon "boney"
imagine if I called candy a66 trudeau "Trudy"?!
they meet with the French king and the king thinks the people will side with him
1 homie sez a soldier fights who anyone and napoleon is a soldiers idol
they want the king to skip town
this chick sez the duke wants to become the new French king
she wants them to catch napoleon alive
she wants to b0ne him?
in the commoner area a guy sez someone took 4000 men and joined napoleon
I'm having trouble keeping up with this film
its kinda cr-ppy and don't hold attention
the duke finds this boney homie named ney joined napoleon and
these characters all look and dress the same
and the public domain footage on chch is pretty cr-ppy
duke goes out in a carriage
he goes to the kings place but the king sleeps til noon and its night
what  lazy a55
aw f
we're only 13 mins in
this is gonna be a long dump
they plan to get napolepn outta paris
also the duke sez their soldiers s-ck and they gotta rely on other countries to save their candy a55
if inly aerica helped out against the brits
we could have napoleon as the next Robert e lee
the dke sez the French gotta hold back until he gets his cr-p together and get an army
also he finds when the enemy will charge and attack 5 mins sooner
what If their watches are fast?
later some chicks gush over how the duke is so cool
my a55
they find the duke pretending to be animals
is he a furry?!
the chick who gushed over him talks with him and he sez to act as if napoleon isn't out
she sez women fall in love with him
but hes gross!
if my kid looked like him i'd sew his face shut!
he sez hes gonna settle down fter beating napolen
he meets a chick and she blacks out
maybe his Ki has aids
later theres a meeting or gathering and the duke comes in
everyones dancing
he taks with the faint chick and shes some kinda obsessed fan
she sez hes a softie
then some Scotsmen come in playing bagpipes in kilts
duke finds out napoleon has taken over some place
to avoid alarm, he has his men slip away a few at a time
duke dances with the fan chick
duke leaves and with his men e determines where the battle will be
but then the band plays some song
everyone looks outside and waves to something
its the scotts
to bad the scotts and irish and napoleon didn't team up to free Europe from englind
oh and America too
the duke and friends meet and plan to take on napoleon
hes headed to brussels
I want jean claude van damme to play napoleon and go around beating up brit a55!
theres a battle in this wasteland that looks nowhere near as good as d w Griffiths birth of a nation
its just soldiers walking and some shooting and no interaction from the sides
oh ad horses running around
imagine if that horse dumped a55 on those brits!
btw the frame rate isn't very constant in this
its like they fimed the people talking and the battle in different places and in different times of day an different camera types
then we see guys running through the woods
there were no woods seen b4
then reinforcements arrive
we get a few secs of fighting and more running
remember how good able gance made napoleon look in that snowball fight?
this is just people running around n smoke
we get a distance shot of people swarming like ants
I think they won but it cost a lotta men
what a waste
a guy reads a list of high rank guys wo bit it
the duke has an episode
later he talks about how great a battle it was and how good everyone did
he wants to go home
hes told by some guy that he\s the only one who can save the French from the allies greed
as they wanna take over it and use it for their own cr-p
a fruity reporter bugs duke as he talks with fan chick but he sends him packin
later the rulers meet to decide who gets what
they wanna execute ney for siding with the losing side
but half of france is likes him
duke wants the French king back but one guy wants him out
they argue over who should do what
one guy wants to weaken france
duke sez if te do, frenchies will fight back one day
like America!
duke chats with some chivck saying he wants to make things good and return taken art
its just paper
its not like yuioh cards where you can play eachother
oh, the chick is related to marie Antoinette
she wanted ney iced but duke don't want it
later they have an opera
I loved mr rogers operas
the spoon mountain one moved me to tears when wicked knife and fork broke down
the fan chick and some other chick about letting her have a maid
trading humans like yugioh cards
how grotesque
duke and the stalker chick are recalled to England
I wasn't paying attention cuz I was reading comments on an art stream talking about sonic 2 and 3
when I got back the duke is p-ssed over something
oh, the husband of this chick he likes (the stalker chick) read a published letter about them b0ning
but she's in love with her real husband
he wants to resign but the brits need him in paris
he's his own man right?
cant he decline?
isn't he free?
oh wait
no one is free in England!
he wants to use the scandal to retire to private life
they have a trial over ney
hes charged with treason
they wanted to charge the americans for fighting against the regent too
theres a newspaper saying the duke won at something
ney is gonna get executed at sunrise
so duke races on horse to save him
after sun up he's in some place
its ney about to get executed for fighting for his country
and I think the brits are wackin him
they get like 15 brits to cap him
he opens his top and sez; right through the heart!
how brave!
after he's iced the duke arrives
duke sez madame has fired her last shot
I think he's gonna ice the vengeful Frenchie
the people are rioting over the Frenchie wacking the ney guy
the French regent sees his people with disdain
that's monarchy for ja
the chick who had ney iced sez she's royal and traitors must bite it
king wants the duke back to pull his a55 outta the fire
duke comes in and sez for I'm to stop giving his droogs high rank jobs and treat the people right
if they don't, the people will wack em and maybe b0ne them dead and keep b0ning em afterward
the king signs an agreement
yeah like he's gonna keep it
I know the law sez the royals are under the same law as the people
but drugs are against the law and people still smoke chronic and heroin
duke sez the vengeful Frenchie has to go as she fights for revenge and he fights for peace
what about double dragon 2?
later a guy sez the Frenchie debt is reduced and England gets squa
someone else sez the duke saved the country
duke sez basically a good deed is its own reward
he sez he could've taken advantage of them and gotten em all rich
but it would've p-ssed everyone off and driven em all to war
lol he sez they fought tyranny
how'd he feel about America in 1776?
after the speech his sons congratulate him and they go through town in a carriage in a parade
the end
that wasn't bad
just not great
esp after napoleon (1927) was such a masterpiece
its hard to follow but theres some good parts
better than Canadian history
that grade school class s-cked!
for the iron duke 2 I want for America to free napoleon and team up with him to free Europe. using ben franklins lightning powered exosuits they can fight with the power of 5 men per soldier. the brits forge an alliance with the sasquatch population in America to have the americans kept busy with their own problems as they fight the demonic ape people. thankfully, japan joins in and helps take on the sasquatch with samurai power and ninja magic. its also a 2 player beat em up where you can choose up to 2 player characters out of American in power suit, napoleon, samurai, ninja, traitor sasquatch or traitor brit and fight through many levels to help napoleon save france and free his home country from the brits on sega genesis and super Nintendo

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