Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Hunger Review

note; my spellings gotten better. but I'm no William sodomspeare
the hunger
this is my review on the hunger (1983 version)
its directed by tony scott
hes dead now
its starring david bowie
hes also dead now
its also got susan Sarandon
its really really widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
it starts with this trippy weird 80s thing of bowie in some weird cage thing as the credits go by
wtf it just turned into a music video
they sing about vampires
keeps mentioning that bela Lugosi's dead he's been dead for 30 years when this film was made
it keeps cutting to people in shades
btw, the editing is really fast
it never stays on a single shot for more than a few secs
its almost like watching an anime
some people undress and I think start to b0ne
maybe just making out
we also see a monkey freekin out
wtf am I watching?!
is this a p0rn0?
something happens with the monkeys and aids blood gushes outta em
the next day this science chick sees in her lab the aids monkey ate another
or maybe it exploded
high octane aids
then some people burn a body in a big furnace
then bowie and a chick sower together and b0ne
I hate how the top half of their heads is offscreen In the black bars
the next day bowie wakes up in bed with a woman(not ringo starr or whoever was In the rolling stones he b0ned(I was born in 1987. imma 90s kid(sue me)))
in the lab the monkey has been up for 56 hours and rotted and ate his gf
to be fair; many animals practice cannibalism
its natural
animals do it
everyones a little bit cannibal
maybe there is no vegetarian or carnivore and we're all varying degrees of cannibal?
then we get an info thing of kids with progeria
a condition that causes kids to decrode into geezer like forms
the science lady wants to find a way to reverse it
the guy interviewing her sez that can be used for immortality
this kid takes a polaroid of bowie and sez he looks awful
the science lady sez this 90 year old sleeps 2 or 3 hours a night and has more energy than them
she may have some kind of hidden Ki
also if shes in her 90s in 83 that means she was from the 1800s
her grandma might've owned slaves
the girl takes a picture of a chick and sez she should say "salami" instead of cheese
sounds like a phalllic reference
btw the science lady is susan sarandin in a bad 80s haircut
I love da 80s
later sarandin is at a boom signing
later the chick b0ning b0wie stops by the age test thing and a guy sez they found a way to speed up the age in monkeys but cant do the opposite
bowie talks to the chick hes b0ning about how long the others took
she sez she hopes this time is different
bowie asks who the next one is
is this about aids?
well they were b0ning a lot
we get some trippy shots of rooms lit by fire and cool blue lighted rooms
later bowie goes to the age place
he finds Sarandon and talks to her about her book
he sez she sez age can be treated like a disease
but she's busy and late
he sez yesterday he was 30 and today he has liver spots
she tells him to wait for 15 mins and ditches him
she tells her staff he's harmless and to wait until he leaves
bowie smokes but is told to put it out
and you wonder why ur rotting
Sarandon reviews a monkey gradually age and soon its up to 5 years per minute
the test sez its blood loses the ability to hold oxygen
we get a cool time lapse thing of the monkey rotting to crusty bones
later bowie is a geezer and realizes he' been f'd
as the Sarandon talks with a uy sayng how they found how to f up the clock, they need more cash
bowie looks at himself I the mirror next to a young guy
hope he don't try to b0ne him
later in the elevator he looks at a nurses t-ts
hope he don't try to b0ne her
he confronts the sarndon about her leaving him to rot for 2 hours
he should've b0ned her dead for that
his aids goo would make her rot
\later bowie shanks a guy dancing alone in a place with his ghetto blaster on roller skates and runs away
the chick who took pictures sez she cant do her music thing tomorrow as shes got a school thing
she don't recognize rotted bowie
she thinks bowie is bowies dad as they has the same eyes
he has the girl pay music and they talk about bowie
as she plays he moves around her
like a wasp about to sting
I hope he don't try to b0ne her
he grabs her and cuts her neck
no bowie!
naecrophilia is bad!
although animals do it
it is natural
and its not like eating a burger is hurting a cow
later the chick he was b0ning comes home
hly cr-p this movie's been going over half an hour
its got a slow built and good pacing
not much happens but it keeps attention
kinda like tony's bro ridley's film alien
plus both are semi p0rn0
bowie sez she sed they'd be together forever
he wants a kiss
it keeps cutting back and forth between young and rotted bowie
they kiss but she stops as she's grossed out
is this one of those p0rn0 things with a hot chick and a really gross guy?
like android 18 and bacterion from dragon ball?
bowie wants her to ice him
but she cant
she finds the photo the girls polaroid took of him b0ning her dead
so she cooks her bod in the furnace
bowie wants her to ice him and falls down crippled
but he cant bite it as somehow hes immortal
this happened in johnny quest(90s one)
to be fair; if she did ice him, he'd go to h-ll for all his b0ning and killing
which believe it or not, is actually worse
she carries him upstairs and puts him in a box
holy cr-p he looks like the dancing guy from the 6 flags adds or w/e
she puts him with the other boxes full of rotting people she gave aids to
later the Sarandon calls
I mean comes over
she tries to explain how she f'd him over w/o accepting blame
the chick sez he went to Switzerland
saranond sez they get a lotta pranks at the hospital
yeah, geezrs play pranks saying they're 30
later the cops stop by asking about the girl
later sadarond crosses the road and a trunk stops at the light as she walks by
it tries to make it look like a close call
but the light was red butt soap!
after a lot of nothing with Sarandon just existing in a room at various angles, she goes to work
she keeps answering up the phone w./o it ringing
later she goes back to the chick
they talk about ancient items
the chick plays music about some Indians from different classes who fell in love
also they were both chicks
Sarandon spills wine on her b00b and we get a slo mo scene of her changing
this is a p0rn0 isn't it??
they start making out
this chick turned Sarandon
then they go to bed and have a long weird love scene
what is this? the room by tommy wiseau?!
aso the chick drinks sarandons blood
blood and b0ning in the 80s?
sounds like aids references
we get a good transition of her arm bleeding and it going to a rare steak being cut
Sarandon is on a date with her bf(which she kinda cheated on when b0ning the chick)
her bf is suspicious about her spending 3.5 hours alone with the chick and getting an ankh necklace
if this were modern days he's suspect her of being queer
but in the 80s no one thought about it
although in the 80s, a guy wearing a neon pink pleather jacket, no shirt, nipple rings, no pants, a leather speedo, and knee high leather boots with skull kneepads, was seen as cool
now you'd think they were filming some p0rn0 nearby
later Sarandon cant eat
later a blood test sez Sarandon has 2 types of blood in her fighting
hers and another
she badly denies knowing how it got there or her arm wound where she was bit
sounds like she was sharing needles
she confronts the chick for giving her aids and the chick slams her against the wall
the chick reveals she cut them and shared blood
Sarandon leaves but the chivk sez she's gonna come back to her when THE HUNGER gets too strong
Sarandon cals a dr but he's gone home
also she looks like she's in withdrawal
she thinks she sees bowie with an ankh but its a guy with a cross
he thinks shes a junkie
some lesson for the audience eh?
remember kids, if someone looks like a junkie, they're probably under a blood spell
her bf(the dr she called) calls but shes not in
the bf goes up to see the Sarandon but we get weird trippy editing that don't make sense
then the chick wastes the bf
the Sarandon sees the chick eating the bf
but it was just a dream and the bf comes to the chicks place asking about her
she sends him to the Sarandon and Sarandon is having sn episode
as she's clutching her gut, I think her uterus is melting
she tries making out with him but tries to get him away
he sez he loves her and she does something offscreen
we get a weirdly edited scene of the chick eating a black woman
apparently she ate her bf
the chick tells her the rules on how to feed and sleep to stay young forever
she tells Sarandon shes gonna love her and they drink in a weird pose like 1 is a reverse reflection of the other
then they make out
Sarandon gets this ankh blade stuck in her neck(I think self inflicted) and she makes out with the chick while gushing blood
the chick takes Sarandon up to the room with her ex's and the room starts tilting
she sez its bowie
her rotting ex's are back as 80s effects zombies
she sez she loves em but when they try to b0ne she sez no
they swarm her and I think try b0ning her but she gets away
she falls off the rail thing and down the stairs thing ans seizures as she rotts
all the ex's fall down and shatter into crumbs
this is in slo mo with wind and birds and light
later the cop returns and this guy sez she's her real estate agent
he sez the owners bit it and the profits go to the research center
the cop sees the photo taken of the chick by the girl
then we get Sarandon in a white curtain
the chick is in a box and the Sarandon is in an apartment looking over the city
the end
wtf willem Dafoe was in this
the green goblin did p0rn0
although that Urotsukidoji II legend of the demon womb video with kohoki b0ning megumi amano was also like green goblin p0rn0
the end
wtf did I watch??
I mean its not bad
its interesting and keeps attention w/o much action
good visuals
but its got these weird love scenes
its sorta tommy wiseau
for the hunger 2 i'd like for it to be set in the distant future year of the 2020s where susan Sarandon has gone on to spread her blood thing around. she donated blood and it spread from there and caused more people to decrode and become zombies under her control. eventually, some holy men who know kung fu and have holy items take on her rotted plague minions. they go from area to area icing these abominations and freeing them from the plague. at the end of each area is an ex of hers advanced by cybernetics as its the future and its a tougher battle. its also an 8 level beat em up on sega genesis and snes and has cyborgs and robots and the Sarandon is advanced by her years of science letting her turn herself into a super forme after she gets beat 1x.

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