Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Secret Garden Review

note; I don't spell bad, you need to read better
the secret garden
this is my review on the secret garden(40s version)
I only know of this as it was mentioned in the simpsons
this is my 1st time watching it so yeah
oon, mgm did this
and its based on a novel
I should've known that
make up by jack dawn
strange, that sounds somewhat familiar
it starts with hands opening a key door
then a voice over sez cholera is icing everyone
oh its some brits
they go around listing who bit it
remember that movie; love in the time of cholera?
they otta do an 80s sequel; love in the time of aids!
in 1 home this guy finds a girl singing
he only survivor
this is turning into THEM!
some of her servents bit it, others ran
after some talking and establishing who's what, she tells her shes the only one left
she reacts by busts up her room like tommy wiseau
later she's sent on a boat with child survivors
she is rich and thinks herself superior to them
oh. they were from india
back when it was under brit rule
I thought this was america
shes taken by some chick to a big house
in the old dark house they meet the uncle or w/e
wait, hes not her uncle
they said it was her uncle b4
they retconned it
this is kinda like a horror movie
love dat b/w look
she's told not to go in most of the house
she hears some sounds but is pulled back
shes told it the wind or w/e
also they locked her in her room
the next day a cockney chick comes in all cheerful and like
shes a servent to the chick who brought the girl
the girl goes mental over her pillow being on the floor
what a b--ch
she needs a good beating
this I the 1800s or w/e right?
the cockney chick (c c) sez theres a servent in there who can play or something
hard to tell with her creepy clockwork orange accent
the girl gets p-ssed over having to dress herself
4 year olds can do dat
porridge is 4 breakfast but she don't want it
so she goes to walk in the garden
its big and weird
like in the shining
she talks at a black bird
the'll fall in love later
then she seez a cockney by who likes birds
he sez they locked the "secret garden" years ago
sounds like a drug thing
oh its the c c's kid
he gives her a skipping rope
the girl never saw a skipping rope b4
then the kid disappears
later she's inside eating biscuts
the cockney chick shows her how to skip rope
also the c c has to feed her them
is she some kind of cripple?!
she hears screaming and runs
but is running toward it?!
they're probably b0ning the guy as torture
she is found by a chick and is taken back to her room
the non uncle sez her uncle wants to see her
she meets him and hes going to London soon
he sez he hoped she'd be beautiful
he wanted to b0ne her?
the next day or so shes in the outside and skipping rope
but shes s-cking at it
she hears a black bird and finds the head gardener
they talk and find the garden was locked up for a decade
also she gets along with his bird
he disappears and she tries to get into the garden
the bird finds her the key
the gardener comes back and is suspect of her
at night she gets a candle and goes around
she finds a boy in bed
they think eachother are ghosts
turns out the are cousins
the boy sez he has tantrums
he goes mental when stuff goes wrong
oh and hes a cripple
and if he grows up he'd get a back hump
they talk and he starts going mental
also his dad dont like him
she asks of the garden but he hates going out
he also hates his mom
they bond over them hating their moms and them being dead
she asks stuff and he sez he don't like people who know things he don't
so he hates everyone older than him?
this brat needs a good beating
later the girl seez the cockney kid
she tells him about the brat
but he knows
oh and she shows him the key
they go to find the secret garden but the gardner is there
they get by and find the door is sealed
but they get in
its all weedy
but plants are coming up
they find the tree that fell on and iced the cripples mom
they agree to return the next day
later the girl is telling a story of lions and elephants to the crippled kid
she realizes she's late for the gardon and he goes mental
he mocks he cockney kid for being a poor
just like how the girl did b4
what a p o s
the chick comes in and tells her to gtfo
a guy comes in and reveal hes got irons on his dead legs
oh its a dr
she goes to the garden nd helps plants grow
after a timeskip, she has a flower and as she walks in she ignores the cripple screaming
theyre b0ning his dead a55!
oh f! hes smashing things!
maybe hey should remove his arms and legs and let dogs b0ne him?
worked in violence jack!
turns out hes growing a hump
the chick blames her for it
she goes in an yells at the cripple and smashes cr-p with him
she tells him everyone hates his dead a55!
hahaha this is f'd!
he cries for sympathy saying hes gonna bite it but the girl knows better
they are 2 pair
he sez he wants to bite it so he wont be a freak
turns out the hump is just his back bone
he don't wanna be like his dad
man this kid is a malcontent cripple version of me as a teen
she tells him a story of a magic secret garden with pretty flowers
and only kids can see it
wow, this is pretty good
heart melting
later a bird and a sheep come into the crippled kids room
and a dog
the cockney kid comes in with her and show him them
oh and its a fox, not a dog
they tell him aboot da gardin
btw its in proper full screen w/o black bars
they get the cripple to swear not to tell
then the drs come in
the animals attack on dr
I assume they were b0ning him in the real version
the other dr has a good laugh and examines the boy
he sez the boy needs freash air and exercise
and fear is keeping him crippled
he orders everyone to gtfo and for the cockney kid and girl to bring him around in his wheel chair
outside he tries to walk but cant
they wheel him into the garden and the fil goes full color
I'm not big on nature cr-p
but this is nice
the crippled kid sez he shall live forever
did he turn Christian?
later (n b/w) the uncle sees the good dr
its months later and the dr sez the dad is also a problem
he sez hes going nuts and the letter almost drove him nutser
the dr sez the uncles mentalness f'd up is son
and the son is normal
later the kids are in he garden in color and the cripple kid is getting healthy
they want one of em to go mental but none of em feel like it
then the gardener finds em
he new where they were all summer
he tells em to book it
they do
he enjoys the garden
later in b/w its raining
the cockney boy crawls in her window
they go find the crippke
the cockney boy tells a story I didn't get all of
the uncle tried to chop down the tree but he couldn't and went mental
and he wants to have no one see it again and vowed to destroy it for good
the crippled kid realized his dad loved his mom a lot
the girl realizes shes a kid and don't get a lot
the crippled kid talks about how the story of the secret garden was only for kids
and it'll be a long time b4 they're grown up
the uncle comes in and sez he's taking him to Italy and gonna sell the home
the kid goes nuts
the uncle wants to make up for being so cr-ppy
later the uncle talks to the guy buying the home
the buyer hopes the place has ghosts
he reveals he saw the secret garden and its beautiful
the uncle freaks out and sez hes leaving the house to avoid insanity
he goes to the garden but the gardner tells him not to
he sez he'd kill the gardner if he don't gtfo
he gos in the garden and its color
also the cripple can walk
tis is beautiful
he walks to the uncle and they hug
his heart is healed
that was beautiful
I got teary eyed from it
the end
what a beautiful film
they don't make em this good anymore
no bad romance tacked on or forced sad moment
just a gentle wonderful story
I love it
now to ruin it with a cr-ppy sequel idea
for the secret garden 2 i'd want for it to be set in the future where the kds are edgy hormonal unbalanced teens and the uncle has to unlock their hearts from malcontentary. also the girl is pregnant but don't know if its the poor cockney boy or the ex cripple(who is now a big buff body builder and eats only live animals to build more muscle out of fear of being crippled again)

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