Friday, May 12, 2017

The Giant Claw Review

note; I spell bad, but so r the monster effex
the giant claw
this is my review on the giant claw
ive never seen this film b4 so I'm virgin to it
I only heard of it from cinemassacre when james rolfe reviewed it
right as it starts we get the title
no logos or cr-p
better than modern films with 6 minutes of that
a nArrator sez how the earth isn't as big now as we can travel faster distances
and we have security and radar and cr-p
just wait til the 80s
we get the sega genesis
also a jet is going for a test run or something
he does a stunt and this chick b--ches about it
hes an electric engeneer who plays by his own rules
is this da 80s?!
the narrator sez the pilot sees some flying thing that f's everything up
but radar cant see it
its as big as a battleship and lying at high speed
what is this? Robotech?!
they send reinforcements
he returns and the guy incharge is p-ssed and wishes the pilot was in the army so he could court martial him
he thinks pilot is playing a joke
and 1 search plane didn't return
isn't that proof theres something out there?
flying battleship?
the super dimensional fortress macross??
also  plane with 60 dudes got taken out
oh wait
I should've said "flying battery"
the sonic and knuckles level
not Macross
later a plane is flying and they see a bird thing
also theres some anomaly
e plane is shook up by a blast of wind and an engine blows
it goes down and is done with miniatures which looks better than cg
the plane bows after they get out
a Frenchie lets em stay with em and gives em moonshine
the lawman sez they gotta seal the area and keep it hish hush (sweet charlotte)
they are gonna go to the airport later
pilot talks to the general who bashes his a55 on the phone
they are gonna go to new York
the Frenchie goes outside and gets attacked but we don't see it
they bring him in and he freaks out
he sez its a demon in a storm
wolf face, woman body, wings
get the destination truth homies on it
wtf theyre in Canada?!
the why are the cops wearing cowboy hats?!
wait, dats the army
the army guys come to take em to the aiport
1 sez if u see the creature it means u gon bite it soon
so its like the star by the big dipper in Hokuto no ken?
also in the ground is a huge bird foot print
pilot and chick fly in a plane and he does the closest to b0ning they have in the 50s
leaning near her and mild kissing
if ths were made today they'd be b0ning
shes a stickler for rules and sticking to em too much
like those c-ck suckers who say you gotta use the wrong card if you misplay In Yugioh
or c-ck suckers who whine when your tummy shows when u stretch a bit
pilot uses a map and connects the sightings of the battleship in a spiral
that's cr-p btw
it goes in a spiral by connecting 4 points in random parts of a map?
at least its not a unicursal hexagram
like Yugioh season 4
she bashes him and they later make out and maybe b0ne
later a plane goes to where the plane went down and the battleship attacks
but if its going in a spiral wont it jut keep going out and not return?
we see it and its a really f'd up bird
it looks like that guy from professor iris
and its got a Mohawk
and teeth!!
birds don't have teeth!!
and the winged dragon god card from Yugioh don't count
its a dragon god
not a burd
btw this looks nothing like a battleship
it eats the plane people
the pilot is take to the army and he shows em the pattern
the chick sez she was doing earth curvature work
chick? curves? what is this? cutey honey??
they use balloons to photograph cr-p
they check the balloons and find pix of da burd
its neck looks phalllc but with too much skin bunched up
they don't know why it cant be seen by radar
so many planes are searching for it
a squad finds it and are ordered to shoot it down
this would make a good videogame
like Robotech battlecry
they attack but it does jack
the planes get picked off 1 by one
they get ready to use missiles or nukes or something
we get a science lesson about anti matter
the bird is said to be antimatter
but anti matter and matter bust on contact
but it as a shield of anti matter
that's why radar wont see it
the radar slides around it instead of bouncing off
and it can control the antimatter to physically attack
this feels like power rangers
a feather found by it is totally unknown to science
they say its from an antimatter galaxy
what is this? Yugioh zexal??
galaxy-eyes anti-matter dragon!?
they try to keep it under wraps but the bird attacks and the people see it
pilot spends day trying to find a way to stop it
the chick sez the bird came to build a nest
the gov sez its attracted by movement so they declare martial law to stop movement in America
yet they take a chopper with the Frenchie to the woods with a gun
they find the nest but frenchie runs away and gets eaten
they shoot a hole in the egg
at night they drive away but some dumba55 teens are goofing around and the bird gets em
wtf they survive
they get back to the base and pilot has a plan
he finds theres some atom that can do matter and anti matter as its heavier than electrons
and they can use it to take out the shields
but the atom only lasts foe 1 2millonths of a second
is that real??
they try working on it for a while
the pilot is not well after something
oh its an explosion
but he has got the atom machine working
they get the thing in the plane and the bird attacks a city
it goes after the u n building
they cause more problems than they solve
it flies around and busts stuff
they use the electron thing and the army rockets it
it goes down really easy and sinks under water with 1 claw reaching out like in terminator 2
the end
that was not as bad as everyone sez
good 50s sci fi
the bad puppet looks cr-ppy but its fun
they tried
originally they wanted the legand ray harryhausen to do the effects but cheaped out and had em done in mexico
yeah it would've been better
but not as cr-ptastic
I kida liked it
although the science was a bit too much
it went too deep
kinda overdone and easy to get lost in it
but I was doing like 2 other things so it might be dat
wait, what about the legends of the frenchie monster?!
that means the bird was there b4!!
for the giant claw 2 i'd like it if it picks up right where the 1st ldt off and the giant bird breaks apart underwater and reveals its second form, a robot monster like a big cricket! it goes around with lightning power and attacks various places and eating peoples skin but leaving them skinless and desiring human flesh to devour. cut to years later and the cricket has taken over the world with flesh slaves as its enforcers and the pilot id working on a ice tarantula robot that can take it down and blast the flesh slaves with ice acid.

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