Monday, July 17, 2017

The Snows Of Kilimanjaro Review

note; not fully used to new keyboard but I'm getting there
the snows of Kilimanjaro
this is my review on the snows of Kilimanjaro(50s ver(was there others?))
I heard of it b4 but only after an ep of animaniacs where the warners f with Hemmingway did I know it was by him
its written by earnest evans I mean Hemmingway who I hear ate his gun after he burned out his parts from b0ning too much
ive never seen this b4 nor have I seen a parody on the simpsons or pinky and the brain so this is new to me
its got Gregory snegoff I mean peck and has ava gardner
in Japanese ki is life energy, I don't know what li is, man is 10 000 and jaro (j makes a y sound) means bast-rd or punk or a55hole(well, just an impolite way of saying "you" actually) but its usually translated as the above
ooh its fullscreen
after the credits show who's in it with some silent film title card looking stills a narrator sez Kilimanjaro is the highest mountain in Africa
greg peck watches a bird flying
he chats with a chick about his leg wound not hurting anymore and help is coming
peck thinks hes gonna bite it
he then tells how he scratched his leg on a branch while photographing beasts
the chick sez it happened when they were photographing hippos in a canoe and got too close
the hippo got a boatman and peck jumped in to save him
besides ebola and aids, hippoes are the deadliest thing in africa!
somehow he saved him but the blood and dirt infected his leg wound
we never see the rotting leg
just pants and stains
how da f did he fight off a hippo?!
is he batman?!
the chick sez the African worker there shouldn't hear em fighting so peck sez in English to go away so he wont hear civilized people fighting
but he don't understand so peck sez it in African
nowadays some malcontent would get triggered by that
also nowadays they'd change it so the African guy is the winner of the thing and peck loses
so peck tells his life story
the end
i'll say what happens
years ago this gf broke up with him for some reason
pecks mentor sez writing is a fight or hunt against ignorance and evil
except the man stream news. they promote that lol
he gives peck a rifle
back in da present peck whines about having her as a wife and winding up in Africa with a wound
shes gonna hunt but he sez he loves her
then they kiss
but he does something I didn't see and she gets p-ssed
did he try to b0ne her?
they argue and she books it
man its been nearly 20 mins
that felt like nothing
then theres a flashback of eastern Europe I mean france
peck chats with a homie of his dancing with a chik in a red dress
shes not wearing sleeves
I hear in france women don't shave their pits
he meets a chick named Cynthia green who knows he worked for a paper
he quit and he calls her cyn(sin?! 7 deadly sins!? dante's inferno?! Yugioh cards!?)
they flirt with smooth sax in the background
sax a ma phone!
sax a ma phone!!
they leave and go for a walk
she reveals her dad was in the war and stayed in france after\
they wannas go home to rest but lightly imply they gonna b0ne
so they smoke together and light up with the same match then kiss
I assume in the real version they b0ned and this is just 50s film showing what they can
Grigori Rasputin I mean peck narrates some random cr-p he saw in france
his gf looks through his writing on a typewriter
they live in a poor hood (a ghetto??)and he writes 1 book
he gets paid for it and wants to go to soviet Africa
they go there the 1st time and watch rhinos
I think they are hunters
nowadays they'd censor that
hunters are worse than child mo lesters to the left
the gf is gonna cap the rhino but don't wanna
she takes too long and greg peck urges her on but she shoots and misses
the prey gets away
they are going after em but the gf don't wanna go
the rhino goes after him and thre gf just yells his name w/o telling him what or where or why its bad
he empties his gun into the charging behemoth and it eventually goes down I front of him
nowadays they's try to color this to look sad cuz a beast bit it
I iced over 100 fruit flies in an hour once
am I this centuries dhamer?\?
maybe gacy cuz I'm polish lol
at night they're at a village and greg peck talks about how it felt to ice that monster
the gf is kinda disgruntled over it
she chats with some guy about it and shes afraid of it
he tells her not everyone is required to like Africa
that would trigger some malcontents
also he sez its for men
that would also trigger some malcontents
heres some advice
evolve some chutzpa!
so the gf is preggers\
she isnt much of a traveler and likes calm
but doesn't wanna anchor him with a kid so he can still travel
da guy sez; its when you run away ur most likely to stumble
peck returns saying "33 inches is nothing to be ashamed of"
hes talking about the rhino horn
I hope
at night the animals go wild in da wilderness and make awful sounds
later she sees a dr who sez to take it easy
no exercise means shes gonna tub up
but he wants to go to spain
after some talk they choose to go somewhere
he goes out and shhe runs after him
later we see she fell and the baby bit it
and he never knew she was pregnant
he accuses her of falling on purpose and it was his child too
but she denies it
that's sad
the kid did nothing wrong
he was innocent
they reconcile and go to spain to see bullfights
this is pretty cool
later they are in a restaurant and she suspects he is gonna ditch her
he explains theres a war where hes going but she gets drunk
she talks about flirting with the waiter
they bicker a bit
he goes to do something and she ditches him and goes off to b0ne men
back in the present hes talking to the African guy from b4 who don't speak English
I know what thats like
I used to talk to my cat
it didn't know English either
listened good though
then he talks about writing another book and getting another woman
we see her swimming nude and can see her a55
hes on a boat and chats playfully with her
wait, I think shes in a light swimsuit
and she don't want him to go
also shes got a European accent a bit like tommy wiseau sorta
later the wiseau chick is sculpting a thing of another chick in a dress and chats with her uncle
it might not be her blood uncle
later greg peck gets an offer for his book to be made into a greta garbo movie
but hes disgruntled over it
greg talks with a guy and thinks the guy hates his work
the guy denies it and sez greg otta bone up on his hunting
so hes become famous but he misses Cynthia
he gets her us address and mails her a letter
everyone ive been with made me miss u more
hes been b0ning a lot
outside a hotel he seez a chick he thinks is her
but its not\
later he chats with some rich people about a letter
he sez its not important she this girl tears it up
so he books it
oh I think its the wiseau chick
greg peck is gonna leave her and she gets all clingy and whiny
he ditches her and fights in the spanish war
he chats with a soldier about the soldier wanting to be back in Detroit
spoiler; in a few years, Detroit is gonna be freekin mad max bad
gerg goes with his men but a chick is in a sideways truck
I don't recognize her but she prays for gerd geck to find her
I think its his baby momma
yes it is
he finds her and they kiss
they hug and she sez; not like da horses
was she b0ned by horses?
she asks if he believed her about the letters and her kid
he sez yes
she fears God would punish her for it
I think if u repent and stop sinning it gets forgiven
he tries to get her out on a streatcher but the battle advances and he gets his leg blown
shes taken away on a stretcher
later he sees the alleged uncle and hes in bed
greg sez he saw the 7 wonders but they wernt so good
spoiler; most are gone
he whines a bit about his mistakes
da uncle gives him a lot of cash in his will
he gives him a riddle but greg gets it after uncle bites it
so he cant ask him it
and if he can find it, it can save him
if it can save him then just freekin tell him!
don't let his rot!
later peck goes to a French bar
do they have bars in france?
I think hes drunk
he imagines the ghost of the red dress chick dancing
also hes with 2 French bimbos
the riddle sez the intro text from the start of the movie about the mountain and a dried cat
the cat was dried out on the mountain and no one knows what it was doing there or lookin for
the barkeep sez the cat got lost
later hes at a bridge and watching fish
but a chick comes to see him
its the look alike
hes drunk and comes on to her
then its back in Africa and the chick asks if he was thinking of synthia or her
she thinks hes still into her
but he don't confirm nor deny it\
she asks why he came
he sez he was like the cat that followed the wrong scent and went back to Africa b4 it was too late
he thinks hes biting it
she asks if he only did this cuz of synthia
she went along with it so he could be happy
she sez hes not a failure cuz he f'd up a few times
and he sez he finally sees her as her(not synthia)
later the uncle of the boy he saved from the hippo comes by as a witch doctor
remember those snes dr Mario adds with a witch dr?
from da 90s?
the chick don't like it
the witch dr eats a magic item and shakes a bone bag to diagnose peck
he rolls the bones like dice and peck starts biting it
its the magic!
hes taken in and is rambling
he sez he can get it all into 1 paragraph but she cant take dictation\
she cant write?!
she sez if they use hot compresses they can get his circulation going again from his dead leg
she reads a manual to sterilize a knife and pop the leg like a zit
if this was made today it would show the pus and sh-t gushing out his leg
she gets and cooks the blade and tells his shes gonna open the swelling
once I had a zit in high school on my upper mouth between my lip and nose
I squeezed it but blood
so I went to thre bathroom and squeezed and
squirted pus on the mirror like a super soaker
it just blasted out like a high pressure hose
I left it there and returned to class\
like a fat chick going to the bathroom to give birth during class
she pops is infection leg zit offscreen and a hyena comes by later
to quote Jurassic park
shoooooooo taaaa!
shooooooooooo taaaaaaaa!
shoot her
man its been almost 3 hours with commercials
didn't feel like it
so the hyenama comes into the tent but she screams and it books it
da next day a plane comes
and the birds from b4 are gone
they kiss
the end
that was pretty good
not much to say
I just liked it
good pacing
good feel
good color
peck is always good
nowadays they'd f it up
good to see things when people were more sane
for the snows of Kilimanjaro 2 i'd like for him to be ready to leave but hes under the control of the witch dr who has enslaved him with black magic. the guy falling in the hippo water and thorn stab were planned as he wanted to use greg peck as a Trojan horse to get to America and take it down from within by making him write commie propaganda to make people hate it. his wife goes on a quest in Africa to go up the mountain to get a magic jewel to free peck from the spell b4 he has to go home. also its a 16 bit platform/action game with you as the wife going up the Kilimanjaro and getting through ancient temples made b4 noah's flood and sealed away by angels as the jewel also can be used for evil as she gets ultra items from the temples with sci fi hings to get the jewel. the game boss is the witch dr

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