Sunday, July 2, 2017

Kiss Of The Tarantula Review

Note; this is a lot like my life. typoes and all
kiss of the tarantula
this is my review on kiss of the tarantula(1976 ver)
I should mention as a 90s kid I had a pet tarantula named spidey and didn't fit in with those c-ck suckers at school
in high school I was cooler
it with cheap credits and a girl looking at spiders.
her mom kills it as shes racist against spiders
years the girl is playing with a spider and the mom kills it
she gets upset and runs to her dad doing an autopsy
this is like the Addams family
mom wants her whipped for being with a spider
shes also a real b--ch and goes on a tirade against her husband
she needs a good beating
if she got em as a kid she'd be nicer
later the mom cheets on her honest husband with his brother
theres a commandment against that
oh and she wants to ice him
yet another commandment
later she b--ches at the husband over her hating her daughter
she assaults him
counter strike!
if she throws a punch she shouldn't be afraid to take a punch!
but he doesn't
she later calls the bro and wants her husband iced
but the daughter hears
y'know, people hated chichi from dbz for being loud
but she did love her fam
and never cheeted on em
and only wanted em to not fight so they wouldn't wind up like Goku getting tortured vs piccolo jr
this chick is a full b--ch
so the kid puts a tarantula on he arm at night
spoiler; they aint poisonous
she wakes up and dies of racism against spiders
she couldn't handle it touching her
see you in h-ll b--ch!
after they dump her in the river, I mean, cemetary, its years later and the girl is a 26 year old teen like on power rangers
wait, howd she get a tarantula if her mom was so racist against spiders?
was it hidden in a back room?
did she find it in the yard?
If so, they must be south
she not treated well by her a55 hole classmates
later some people and the dad bro comes by
he seems friendly to her
I think he wants to b0ne her
that's ur niece!
imagine darth vader b0ning leia
wait, thats his kid
luke blanking kyro ren
that one
star wars gx
ooh, or goten b0ning pan! in dbgt
so the men go off on an adventure and shes alone in an undertaker house
but shes used to it
she hangs ut with her big a55 tarantulas
I see nothing different than playing with a dog
except spiders are easier to take care of
no walks
not feeding every day
just give em crickets and water
and they live 10-30 years
better than 15 for a dog
so a guy named joe higashi I mean penny comes over to her place for Halloween
but he brings some rowdy teens
dumba55 teens? this isn't gonna go wrong
once e and my Yugioh homie were at mcdonalds and he said; I don't wanna sound old but I hate all these teenagers!
so the teens try to take coffins cuz they are necroqueers or something
they hide when they hear her coming
they jump out an freak her out
ten hassle her
the break into the celler and she constantly sez no
then they f with her pets as she tries to protect em
then they kill one for no reason
imagine if they remade this with dogs and they b0ned her dog dead
they leave and shes sad
what about jacking the coffin
then joe penny comes by
the next day joey jeremiah sez the teens are gonna joke about killing her pet and mock her
why not just tie her up and stick nails up her a55 while they're at it?
later the teens are drunk and in a car
they start b0ning
that's the end of them
b0ning in a horror movie means they aint gonna make it to the credits
she slips spiders in their door that happens to be open a bit
wo, that's cool.
look at that spider go
spoiler; most spiders hardly if ever bite people
you really gotta p-ss em off to get bit
as a 90s kid I grabbed spiders outta their webs with my bare hands and kept em for a bit
ive never been spider bit
so the siders gradually crawl up the b0ning teens
well, theyre more making out
eventually they notice, freak out, thrash around and one busts a window and cuts her throat
1 guy gets caught in a door, the car moves and it closes a bit ad he bites it
wtf man
this Is like final destination
and somehow no spiders were harmed
ooh, she has long nails
shes just like me
later a guard comes by and finds em
the surviving chick is driven nuts by having spiders on her and is mental now
its like in reefer madness where that guy did chronic and went demented
the dad bro(a cop) talks with his bro(the dad) and they don't know what happened
the dad didn't find anything from the autopsy
maybe it was just teens being stupid?
that tends to happen a lot
dads bro the cop talks with the main chick
but shes distant
she knows he tried to ice her dad
and was b0ning her mom
later she slips the spider the guy killed on his body
then hes buried with it
good revenge
but hes dead
its not like hes gonna be scared of it
plus he went to h-ll
main chick gos to the hospital and tells the nut chick shes sorry and didn't mean to involve her
but another chick overhears and confronts her
the snooping chick tells her bf to find out whats the dealio
man its been 40 mins
it feels like nothing
he follows her by a river
man this reminds me of the legend of boggy creek
the woody area
he sez sorry to her about icing her pet
and he likes her
and he wants to go out with her
they go to the movies at the drive in she spider iced those guys
but shes uneasy
wouldn't that drive in be closed after teens bit it?
he tries to find out subtly what she knows
she sez while talking about movies she likes happy movies
he grills her and gets aggressive so she books it
later she talks to her pet spiders about her feelings about his betraying her
does this chick have autism?
shes got some symptoms
she sez the spiders cant survive w/o her and they need her so she cant be taken away from em
later the bf is sent to go through air ducts to fix something at his work
pretty good filming
I just noticed this is widescreen
the chick goes to him slowly and releases spiders in the ducts
I'm reminded of that king of the hill ep where dale worked in an office and bugs got out
turbine! nyuuu!!(spins and crushes cockroachs)
the spiders crawl on him and he freaks out
theyre just bugs dumba55!
later hes dead somehow and the dad bro cop finds a spider leg on him
later at the hospital the nut chick sees a small spider and freaks out
the nurse tells dad bro cop about da spider and she wacked it
but spiders are the god bugs
they eat pests like ants and birds
those bird eating spiders think they're so hot
I eat birds too
I had chicken for dinner yesterday
you don't hear me bragging
dad bro cop confronts main chick about what might've caused the guy to bite it and shes cautious
he also sez the ut chick is getting better and can soon tell em wat happened
the snooping chick sez main chick iced the guy
and everyone who busted up her spider that night is iced
but the dad bro cop has no evidence
so the snooping chick goes to get some
she and dad bro cop go to the house at the same time but not together
dad bro cop tells main chick about the accusations and evidence against her
also he sez hes gonna protect her
and he starts trying to make out with her
and the snooping chick sees and books it
he finds the snooping chick and she accuses him of protecting the min chick
so he chases her in the bright dark night
eventually the sun starts coming up and theyre still running
and I ran
I ran so far a way
couldn't getta way
he gets her and kinda b0nes her dead
it does look like that
later its daytime and a black guy finds her
dad bro cop returns and investigates his own crime
that's clever
later the dad has touched up her bod and is gonna suck the air outta her coffin to preserve her
wouldn't that make her explode?
so later dad bro cop returns to the house to ice the main chick
did home alone rip this off??
he tells her he took care of everything and no one will know
and he iced the snooping chick
he tries b0ning her but she pushes him away and down the stairs
hes broken and asks for help
did this rip off that lon chaney movie; he blackbird??
she blames him for ruining her fam and making her ice her mom
but the mom was the bad guy
she seduced him
he keeps saying her name (susan) as she takes out the snooping chick, puts him in the coffin, puts the chick on top, and closes it
this takes quite a while btw
meawhile the dad is heading home
oh and she put him under the cloth lining
him and his victim in the same box
just like with the spider and its killer
then dad comes home and sez goodnight
the end
that was pretty nice
simple mostly clean, a bit weird, and good pacing
its a lot like my 90s life
but I didn't use my pet spider to get revenge
lol it sez its fiction and any similarities to real cr-p is unintended
but its me!
except my uncles never tried to b0ne me
for kiss of the tarantula 2 i'd like for her and joey (who was in like  scenes in the whole movie) are grown up and have a family in the 90s. but theres a wasp invasion and it puts the spiders at risk. so she goes out taking on the killer Japanese hornets in a Kevlar suit that covers her all over and is skin tight for better mobility. also shes really pregnant so it limits her movement and her other pregnant friend team up to face the hornets with several items like hair spray and lighters to roast em and blades to slice through em in mid air. the blades can stack like several blades on each arm to have better accuracy. also they have limited time as they gotta poop out their babies soon and they gotta get through the hornets. also its a 16 bit sega genesis and super Nintendo game with you fighting swarms of hornets that an eventually eat through your suit

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