Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Vampyr Review

note; I s-ck at typing. well not really
this is my review on vampyr(1930s ver)
its by carl Theodore dreyer and stars Julian west(a fakje name for some fruity Russian guy who wanted to make movies)
this film was made just after silent films so theres some overlap
it starts with credits and text
so allen gray is into the occult and vampire like a teen into twilight
the line of real and unreal blurs for him
like twilight fans
he goes to a village and comes to a house
the filming looks like night of the living dead with its low budget feel and kinda homey home made stuff
theres good imagery of a farmer with a scythe
he holds a candle to a picture of people and a skelton to see it
it might burn
he hears voices and goes to see
a creepy possibly eyeless guy is upstairs and he goes back to his room and lox da door
text sez he was scared but fell asleep
later dat night da door unlocks and in comes some guy
the look of this film reminds me of my Slovenian grampa (1914-2009) and his farm in soviet Canada

he guy stands there for a bit, writes something and leaves
oh and he left n item
allen senses someone is in danger and goes out according to text
after a walk he finds a building with a ww1 vet shadow walking on the wall and climbing a ladder with a fake leg
its really well done
he follows it
he find the ww1 vet but the shadow walks up to his body and assumes his position
then the guy and shadow get up
that's cool
and didn't need cg
allen sees shadows of people dancing to music
but this old hag comes in and tells em to stfu
allen goes in and sees some creepy place with skulls(I assume they are real)
he finds an Einstein looking guy and they talk
allen heard a kid but Einstein sez theres no kid
he also heard dogs but Einstein sez theres no dogs
Einstein helps this geezer up but I'm not sure if its a dude or chick
maybe a hermaphrodite
the geezer gives him poison
wtf its been 20 mins
text sez allen follows shadows to a home with the guy who left the item
da item guy has 2 daughters like eric lecarde (ricardo) from Castlevania
1 daughter is in bed and moaning about blood
item guy sez don't go 2 bed til da dr arrives
we see shadows of a guy with a rifle firing and item guy bites it
allen saw it
he comes in and the butler and allen get to item guy
allen spoons sugar in his mouth
wait its water
the other daughter comes and he gives her a heard medal thing
he bites it a min later
a chick asks allen to stay and I think butler goes to get da cops
allen reads a book on vampires saying they were bad guys in life who came back as demons and drink the young blood to prolong their existence
also they curse people and bite their necks
oh and the come out at night
we all know this now
but in the 30s it explained it as they wernt as popular
later they see something outside
the geezer is there for a bit
also they find a limp chick
they carry her back
allen reads the vampires spread their blood lust like aids and esp to family members by turning others into... one of them!!!
da limp chick sez shes cursed and seems kinda animaly
and looks at this other chick crazed
she gon b0ne her!
the other chick thinks the limp one is gonna bite it
also she hears a scream
allen and butler go out and find the carriage that left for the cops
the guy in it bit it and theres blood
guess I was wrong about it being da butler
man its 40 mins in
as allen reads about executed crooks being vampire slaves, the carriage leaves somehow
also the book sez a guy in Hungary sold his soul and became a vampire slave and did crimes
da dr comes and its Einstein
he Czechs out da limp chick and sez she needs blood
and it must be human blood
what else would you use? sasquatch?!
he drains allen using 1800s tools
btw in the bedroom of the limp chick is the skeleton picture from da hotel
da book sez after the vampire has the victim, it drives it to suicide so it cant go to heaven
y'know, cuZ its a sin
da book tells of a hag vampire who tormented a town
they found her and nailed her to the earth with an iron thing
dat iced her
also another story of another chick who was an a55 n real life and became a vampire 25 years ago
but this is da 30s
and who knows when da book was printed
or the story attained
allen has trippy dreams
a skeleton with the poison
good effects
now it would be cg
then this chick picks up a poison bottle and tries to drink it
allen fights the dr and takes da poison
then runs after da dr
theres also shadows running across the ground every few mins in this film
limp chick worries about biting it as she might not get to heaven
butler tells some lady the chick must live til sunrise\
allen sits down in the sun and his spirit astral projects outta him and continues
the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak
he sees a coffin with him in it
also the dr (Einstein) doing stuff
and the ww1 vet working with da dr on his coffin
they seal him in it and the geezer looks in for a bit
then we get his pov of them carrying his coffin(it has a face hole) as he sees the ceiling and sky and buildings
as they carry hm away they pass allens bod and he akes up as they fade out
he wakes up and sees a guy opening a grave ad going in t
he goes up and helps him
btw I think the geezer is the hag
in it is the geezer and they stick an iron rod in it and hammer it in\
she turns to a skeleton
then the limp chick is ok again and sez her soul is free and she feels strong again
the allen and other guy seal the grave and holy cr-p its got the same name as the chick from 25 years ago
da dr and da ww1 vet see flashing lights outside and the item guys face
da dr books it and da ww1 vet falls down stairs offscreen and bites it
da dr goes to the mill as allen and the other chick go in a boat
he orders a guy above him around but the guy leaves
then the mill turns on and dr is being buried alive in either flour or cocainum
allen and the chick get back to the house and the dr bites it
why not just climb the stacking flour?
or keep jumping like in sonic/Mario?
then the mill stops
the end
that was weird
it had a dream like feel
not quite real
not quite unreal
it was entertaining in a soft light way
sorta ethereal
good speed\
good pacing
not too graphic
not too freeky but still has good atmosphere
I like it
its got that german expressionism feel that made f w murnau  and fritz lang's films neat
and its only 74 mins
that's less than 4 episodes of power rangers w/o adds
but still longer than any of the video's of violence jack
or both videos of Eiken
for vampyr 2 i'd like it to be a few years later and allen is an expert in the supernatural. he goes to americato study bigfoot as they are rumored to be daemons. also he married the chick from the 1st movie and she's really really pregnant and he's gotta get back b4 she poops out his kids. but the sasquatch capture him in their extra dimensional city in the woods. so hes gotta sneak out aided by his psychic powers to sense ki and charging up ki blasts to stun enemies so he can finish em off in one precise hit. its also a platform/action game on sega genesis snes and gba and you gotta sneak around their city to get to the escape area while taking out sasquatch w/o being seen.

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