Friday, July 7, 2017

The Karate Kid Review

note; I took aikido so my spelling is bad
the karate kid
this is my review on the karate kid(80s version)
its got noriyuki pat morita from happy days and ralf macchio who I always thought was indian cuz hes so tan
turns out hes el italiano
ive never seen the jaden smith one
so it starts in new jersey like the toxic avenger
this italiano family moves to California(or as I call it, new Sodom)
I've seen the crow city of angels
that place is f'd
in new Sodom the mom is glad theres no winter
it don't have winter?!
f dat cesspool!
I love winter!
the bugs and animals and stink plants go back to h-ll
so Daniel(not the kid from transformers, the macchio) meets a new homie
danny meets a jersey geezer who likes nj
also danny gets invited to a party
knowing 80s calefornia; its a coke party!!
he gets the matainence man to fix his faucet
its morita
hes trying to catch a fly with chopsticks
later dan and frends play beach soccer to bach boys tuns
dan meets a calefornia gurl
shes rich
hes gay for her
his homies get him to talk to her
he shows off his soccer skills to her
then a biker gang of malcontent teens comes by
the main blonde biker sees danny with the chick and gets p-ssed
they were ex s
he takes her ghetto blaster and busts it
then beats up danny
danny gets 1 punch in but gets his a55 kicked
]in the real version he probably b0ned him
its like with mega man X how he cant beat vile at 1st
the next day he is wearing shades ad his mom suspects something
hes got a black eye
his mom sees it and worries
then he goes 2 school
he remeets the chick and they talk nice
he shows soccer skills and the guy who beat him up is on the team
they play shirts and skins and londe biker trips him
so they fight and danny gets kicked off da team
hes gona get pushed too far and shoot up the school
at home danny tries learning karate from a paper and morita comes in to fix the sink
later at school he talks with the chick at lunch
LATER he goes to a dojo to learn but its a hard a55 dojo
also the biker blonde is there
take aikido
its about redirecting their attacks and snapping their joints
later he has lunch wth mom and she gives him encouragement
he said the karate dojo s-cked and mom sez they cant afford it
on jerry springer this redneck learned moves watching the chuck Norris and the jean clause van damme on the v c r
he wasn't bad
you could play beat em ups like double dragon and streets of rage and learn those moves
but this is b4 the nes so that's out
later danny is biking at night and the biker gang gets him
remember in violence jack how h-lls wing biker gang caught tetsuya and jun and chainsawed him and b0ned her?
danny beats up his bike and his mom tries to comfort him
he has an episode and hates California
he wants to go home
did they raepe him?
it was offscreen so maybe
later after school he meets with the chick and her chum
but he sees the bikers and books it
later he comes home and morita fixed his bike
morita teaches him about a bonsai tree
he gives him advice and positive cr-p
mom comes in and morita gives danny a bonsai tree
nowadays tumbler malcontents would call a white guy (are italians white?) doing Japanese stuff cultural appropriation and try to stop it out of their fear and hate of alleged racism
holy cr-p
the director of this also did rocky and rocky V
later its Halloween and morita carves pumpkins
instead of trick or treating, danny has a dance
but he dot got a costume
he jokes of going as the invisible man
but he as full on nude!!
he goes as a shower with a curtain around him
da chick goes under the shower curtain with him to chat
this is getting 18+
she wants blonde biker to get beat up
u could hire a hitman o snap his joints
later in the bathroom the blonde biker is rolling chronic joints
and danny is in there!
also hes dressed like a skleton
danny blasts him with a hose and ruins his chronic
danny books it but the biker gang of b0ners chases him
theyre all skeletons
they catch him and beat his a55
1 biker b0ner sez hes had enuff but blonde biker wants danny dad
hes about to waste him but morita saves him and kicks biker a55
howd he know danny was there and getting killed?
is like sailor moon and tuxedo mask
except morita doesn't get danny pregnant
btw, serena is like 15 and darien is in his 20s
not that theres anything wrong with dat
morita tends dannys wounds
he sez he learned karate from his dad in Okinawa
but he wont teach danny for revenge
he wont get involved and danny gets p-ssed
he sez karate is in da head not the body
they agree to teach danny moves
the next day morita lets danny drive his pickup truck to the dojo to confront the bikers
at the dojo the sensei is a hara55
they try to make him look bad
what happened to sensei only being rough so the students aint weak and get iced?
senei teaches no mercy and always finish
morita asks them to leave danny alome but sesei is disrespectful to morita
I should mention all the dojo students are white
cultural appropriation!!
morita sez they gon settle this at a kung fu tournament
also to leave danny alone til then
wait, one student is black
no Asians though
although when I took aikido most people were white or European
one cool guy andreas was from Austria and looked like johnny depp
he was cool
he had long hipster hair and hipster glasses
he listened to my silly ramblings and was nimble
the sensei was Hungarian or w/e
he looked kinda like Gandalf
his daughter looked like carrie anne moss and was like 30-40 in the 00s
I look kinda like macaulay culkin
but with Castlevania/axl rose/def leopard/mad max hair
so morita is gonna train danny
he gives him a head band cuz its the 80s and had danny agree to do WHATEVER he sez, no questions
this is how p0rn0es start
he then as him wax his cars
wax on
wax off
after a day of waxing its night
later at school(I thought it was summer?) danny teases the biker gang
they're gonna b0ne him dead
danny gets the chicks number
he tries to get the biker gang into a history lesson on Indians but they get outta it
but danny has to go
later he meets the chicks rents and I don't think they like him being not too rich
the moms gonna drive em but the car f's out so they gotta push
the get in when it starts
they go to the family fun center and the mom drops em off
we get an 80s montage of positive 80s music and danny/chick having fun
after it all these 80s guys  in cool cars flirt with hr
was she b0ning all them b4?
they offer her fun but she stays with danny
later danny goes for more training and has to use japanese sanders on wood by making circles with em and breathing
is this qui gong?
like in riki-oh?
breathing right while doing moves to enhance power?
at night hes sanded the wood
I looked it up and this was rated 15+ in England and Norway
f those candy a55 countries!
what next? Yugioh the movie being 16+??
cant have card games! its too much for us!
later danny catches a fly with chopsticks somehow
then he has danny paint a fence
small board left hand, big board right hand
I just realized it
macchio is italiano and morita is Japanese
all we need is Austria and we got da hole axis!!
the next day he paints the house all day
at night morita comes back from fishing and danny is p-ssed or beig a slave istead of learning karate
his arm is dead so morita uses a ki move to heal it
he has danny use his moves he did on the air to do chores
after a while he realizes he learned karate through it
why not use weighted clothing to increase speed?
morita attacks him but danny uses the cleaning moves to block
but he never learned how to attack!
maybe he should've showed him the dragon fist?
it beat super 17 in dbgt
later he goes to the beach and learns balance
he sees morita using the crane move and its called a move theres no defence against
he finds some drunks drinking booze at his car and busts their beer bottles with a knife hand (or karate chop to baka gaijin!!)
later he rows a boat for morita
he stands in a boat and uses moves to learn balance
they talk about fighting and being scared
he thinks karate is fighting
its self defence!
morita flips him into the water and lafffs at him
latr the chick is at a dance and her dad don't want her to be with danny
he wants her with the blonde biker
he wants her(biker) but she likes the dark haired danny
just like with shin yuria and Kenshiro in Hokuto no ken
danny goes to the place they at and blonde biker sees him
he makes out with her w/o consent to f with danny and she pushes him away
in the real version I think he tried to b0ne her
dany freaks out and bumps into a guy and gets food on him
later morita is drunk and danny comes in
this is how p0rn0es start
he gives danny booze but he finds it gross
its revealed morita had a wife
she was preggers in the 40s
also morita was in the u s army
while drunk he reveals his wife it it from childbirth
no dr came and his id bit it too
they were in an internment camp as America was afraid of Japanese then
Canada did it too
as I recall it was the liberals who were in power then
also I hear harry s trueman was in the klan in the 20s
that's not a joke btw
I heard he was in it
so danny trains on his own to music
even the crane
later morita trains him to punch by putting his whole body force in one point
for dannies b day he gives danny a gi his wife made
also dany got his drivers liscense
then he remembers his mom has a thing planned for him
so morita gives him a car
the keys have moritas dog tags on it
I gotta say this is a lot like the story of frank dux which was told by jean claude van damme in bloodsport
Asian guy trains white guy to replace his son
danny tells him hes danny bst friend ever
what about that guy from the start of the movie?
just gonna forget him?
so danny goes to see the chick and shes mad at him for some reason
they have some kinda issue and they argue
he thinks shes using him to make blonde biker jealous and she leaves
but her chum tells danny chick hit blonde biker after danny left
but she never told danny cuz "she shouldn't have to"
he's just supposed to read her thoughts?
this is why so many guys go queer
chicks are mental
he goes to see her and sez hes a jerk and they hug
he shows her his car and she drives
later its the tournament and morita sez danny is black belt
as its brown belt or higher entrance only
so shouldn't this disqualify him already?
maybe he just identifies as a black belt and they gotta accept his claims
he also lies and sez morita only speaks Japanese and the chick is his translator
morita don't know the rules so chick tells him
everything above waist is a point
he has his st match and keeps backing off
after a bit of this he nails the guy with a kick
then a chop in round 2
then we get a kung fu montage to "ur da best around":
just like in bloodsport with "I fight to survive"
also the dojo has several members in the tournament
so danny has a damage on his torso and morita bandages it
imagine if it ruptured and all his guts spilled out
that would be sick
so its the last few rounds and biker blonde is the returning champ
he fights a black guy named vidal(not videl from dbz) and busts a55
sensei tells bobby brown to cripple danny so he cant fight
they fight and he jump kicks dannys leg
he sez sorry but is disqualified
he was only following orders
like hilliry going hard on that mo lested girl while defending the guy who mo lested her
danny wants to keep going but morita sez hes done enough
danny wants to set things right
things look bad but morita uses his ki to heal dannys leg
is this like Rasputin healing the czars son?
is morita a holy man?
so its the finals and Goku fights piccolo jr
I mean danny faces biker blonde
they are even but sensei sez to swep the leg
they clash and gain points
its even
but dannys leg is giving out
danys taking a beating
next point wins
danny kicks but blonde grabs it and busts it
danny's leg is dead so he uses the crane and kicks out blonde
he wins the kumite
also blonde sez; ur all right. it him
the end
it just ends after he wins?
just like kick boxer or blood sport
that was good
better than the remake I never saw
nowadays it would have phones and cr-p ruining it
for the karate kid 2 I want it to start with dannys leg coming off from damage and he gets a cyber leg. then a few years later the LA riots happen and the malcontents are tearing apart the city. so danny seez he needs to stop these animal before more inncent people die. and he goes out with the biker blonde and the gang to fight the rioters to protect their victims. its also a 2 player sega genesis or snes beat em up with one player as danny and one as the biker blonde and they have ki attacks from years of training

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