Saturday, July 22, 2017

Robinson Crusoe Review

note; typing right gives u aids
robinson crieso
this is my review on robinson crusoe
its based on a book by some frenchie
this is da 50s version btw
its widescreen
after some credits a guy opens A book of rominson creise
hes the 3rd son and having northing better to do, went off to sea
then theres a storm and hes stuick on some candy a55 island
btw I hate the at his name is spelled
I'm gonna f it up
its not spelled in a easy way 2 do in a keybord
so RC cola looks around and nearly finds an animal
he only has a small knife
gonna shank some flank!
he climbs a tree and it turns night
the next day he akes up and cracks open an egg
but a bird comes out and he puts it back\
he looks around and finds hes got no land near\
he then runs down to cheerful music
the shipwreck is near by in the water so he goes there
ohhh, hes in the deep end!
he goes through the boat but its empty
so he eats some food and finds a cat
but the boat rocks so he loots the ship offscreen
he goes back and finds gold
but ditches it as cash is useless in the wasteland
so he gets fire equipment
back on the island he finds his dog
the next day the boat goes under and rats get on the island
then he builds a base
later he shoots burds and eats coconuts
then its 11 months later
he gets sick and in his coffee pot is a big a55 spider
he dreams of his dad being there
he talks to ronin son cruinse and sez some cr-p about not liking him leaving to go to sea
later hes doing better and gets water and starts fire
he sez the Brazilians use tobacco and rum to cure fever
nowadays that would be censored as modern people fear it
but are ok with chronic
he reads the bible and starts respecting the Sabbath
nowadays they'd censor that for fearing God
then he starts growing various plants
also he eats turtle and their eggs
and octopus
he also has goats
I should mention in the real version he b0ned em
that's not a joke
this is based on a real incident
and the real guy cut his goats ears to know which ones to b0ne
not that theres anything wrong with that
its natural
animals b0ne goats
later he milks a goats weird t-ts
man its been around half an hour
but the birds start eating his crops
so he caps em
why not just at da burdz?
good protein
so he makes a scarecrow out of a womans dress and sticks
but gets hot for it
is he gonna b0ne a scarecrow??
later its been 5 years
shouldn't his hair be longer?
so he gets drunk
I think hes been making moon shine
while drunk he drunk hears his homies
later he realizes theres no one
later he has a harvest
he gets wheat and makes bread
apparently he has a working oven on there
what is this? gilligans island?!
making anything outta coconuts??
he trains in clay making and sewing
but hes lonely
years later his dog decrodes and bites it
see you in h-ll rex!!
it tries to make this sad
in cast away they made a volleyball biting it look sad
speaking of tom hanks...
I want someone to edit clips from his movies Big and Philadelphia to look like one movie where hes a kid who grows up and gets b0ned aids
w/o his dog he starts going nuts
why not b0ne ur goats??
he speaks bible verses and the voice echoes
reading his bible helps keep him sane
but hes still going nuts
later hes been there 18 years
he starts talking to bugs
he feeds em to other bugs
I'm surprised he doesn't start cockfighting
on a beach walk he sees 1 footprint
someones there
the calls are coming from inside the house!!
he goes more nuts and scatters his animals so they don't give him away
he looks in a spyglass and sees cannibals eating eachother
hes been here 18 years and never saw em?!
I mean they come and go but still
hah! imagine if he was j-rkin off to them eating eachother!!
so for a few months hes on guard in case they return
he has a explo sove trap but he then realizes it wouldn't be right to just ice em
later he sees em getting 2 guys to sacrifice
but 1 gets away
they chase him but raw bone sin core ooh sew tries to help
he sees rc but runs
then r c wastes the hunters
the survivor worships him
1 cannibal comes back but survivor wastes him
I should mention in the real version the survivor wasn't there
its like robin, added to give the main guy someone to talk to
rc has the survivor bury their kill
back at the rc base, the survivor is amazed at the stuff
rc asks the guys name but he don't speak English
so he names him Friday
nd has him call him master
nowadays that would be censored for offending the long dead slaves
he stays up all night in case of cannibals
he didn't let Friday have a weapon and he used his musket to keep fear/respect
he also worries about being eaten
also rc might teach him to smoke
he teaches him engish
better than him learning Friday's talk
after learning some English he sez he might wanna return to the island of his people
later Friday comes in rominson creunes room
but he just wants a smoke
but robvuinson creuecwe cant trust Friday and chains hi up
the chains were made for slaves
they'd censor this as all protagonists must be 100% imitable and pc
rc sez he did it cuz Friday wanted to return home
but Friday wanted to bring rc with him
rc wants to set him free
Friday gets a gun... and sez to kill him instead of kicking him out
they reconcile and rc sez he;d never leave
Friday was loyal
then they learn the power of teamwork
later Friday finds gold coins and sticks em on himself as "gold for war"
he also wears a dress
but rc fixes that
later rc sez these are his happiest years on da island
later they have a discussion on good and evil
later hes been there 28 years
he gets into making a craft to get to spain in the north
but cannibals are in the area
one nearly j fk's him with an arrow
but Friday j fk's the sniper
but more cannibals get the body
so Friday and rc sniper em
Friday fights a cannibal
one of em bites it
not sure who
oh its the cannibal
more cannibals are on the island
later robinsin ribse trains Friday to use guns
but they hear gunshots
civilized people came
oh wait, its pirates
they goin bury treasure and have prisoners
Friday frees one prisoner from rope, then another
then they catch the sleping guard
rc saves em
they were the real crew and a mutiny took over
so rc helps em to get home
Friday comes by the mutiny with fruit but they kick it away
they gonna ice him but they notice hes rearing gold
they wanna know where he got it
so he leads em into to the empty base
they search for treasure and blow away a snake in a box
they rc Friday and the 2 guys hold em up at gunpoint
later rc looks in the mirror and recalls how he looked 30 years ago
he's dressed and groomed
he leaves the mutiny people on his island to learn value and meaning
also they'd be hung if they went home
and unlike robinsin cruesere they have other people to talk to
also they have ll the cr-p rc built up over the last decades
he leaves the island
the end
that was pretty good
nice color
nice effects
good pacing
it didn't feel long
it had the flow
good 50s book movie
for robinson crusoe 2 i'd like him to return to England but he finds theres a new king and hes increased taxes and is oppressing the people. he is persecuted for disagreeing with the regent and is a fugitive. using his island skills he takes on the kingsmen and gradually gains followers to aid him in his quest. also Friday is hated by da britz for not being a brit and they try to eat him as their way of getting "revenge" on him for not being them(a "taste of his own medicine"). also Friday uses island kung fu to take on the britz and eventually they face the king who's big and fat and greasy and eats hias own men to heal. its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes with 1 player as robinson crusoe and he other as friday

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