Saturday, August 4, 2018

Into The Forest Review

note this movie is Canadian. but I don't spell with extra u's
into the forest
this is my review on into the forest
I never saw diss b4
but I heard its like some female mad max/ violence jack/fist of the north star thing
its got ellen page from the x men movies
it starts with credits and a chick and her mom doing stuff
like ballet and driving in a car and such
all to touchy feely music
then theres reports of a massive power outage
its the near future as they have Robotech holoscreens and cr-p
the power goes out
once I was at my grandpas farm in da 90s and the power went out
we sat in the dark and kept the fridge closed to keep in cold inside
I think it might have been a storm
the fam lives in the mountains
might be in brittish Columbia
cocainum and crumpets
da girl goes to the car but leaves it open all night and the battery bites it
the bodycount is rising
dad changes t and radio sez the grid couldn't take it or w/e and 300 million people are w/o power
in soviet Canada?!
but present Canada has the population of California(new Sodom)
did it hit America too?
10 days w/o power later and dad uses girls shoelaces to fix da chainsaw
good to cut down bikers
they drive and see the neighbors booked it
back in 1930s Slovenia; my grampa was 1 of the 1st in his village with electricity
now we cant function w/o it
freekin millennials
they check a shop and want solar cr-p
they get gas and candles and food
they leave and oh cr-p its a biker gang
they drop girl off at some dance thing
wait, its to see her bf
they make out and have a bonfire with homies
later theyre driving with her ister or mom or w/e
wait dads there too
mom sez something about wrecking her knee
they stop by a stopped car and its tense
dad gets back in da car and they drive off into the darkwoods
later at home dad sez not to go to town for a while
the girl gets b--chy
if my aunt said f--king to my other grampa, he'd beat the black offa her
later the dad chopps up his thigh with the chainsaw offscreen
mom and girl stay with him but then its night
once my grampa was working on the farm and his neighbor was helping.
neighbor f'd up and grampa got his arm nicked by the chainsaw
not knowing what do do, neighbor goes home and grampa calls my uncle
take me to hospital! i got chainsawed!
so my uncle brings him there and he just needs some stitches
pretty bada55
you know the song "American bada55"?
my grampa was "Slovenian bada55"
which sounds like a weird al song
is he Slovenian?
I hope so
hes a good role model
no drugs or smokes or drinks or p0rn0 videos
later its 2 months w/o power
I think he bit it
the body count rises
mom decides to refill the generator as she cant take it
i'd say save it for winter
girl tries to talk her outta it
moms going nuts
shes probably gonna snap and start painting on the wall in blood and eating rats feet
oh and theres wile pigs
they might be pets
they broke in and ate the fams chickens
too bad this is soviet Canada
if it were America they could have guns and take out the pigs
if a boar is wounded, it don't try to escape
it fights til u or it or both r dead
that's why we need semi auto guns
shred that pig
otherwise a single bullet wont stop it
unless ur robin hood
or William tell
or lilian gish
later she has a nightmare but wakes up and mom comforts her
later its raining ad da roof leex
save the water
girl finds a chocolate egg
she eats it
and shares 1 with mom
she ate the only 1
mom gets p-ssed
later somene is knocking on a door
girl gets gun
but its the boyfriend
the mom is really the sister
or both
could be inbreeding
u know how it is up in the frozen wastelands of soviet Canada
later girl shows bf her tree lair
they make out
in the real version I think they were b0ning
theyre getting nude
they ARE b0ning!
this IS the real version!!
btw we don't see her long shoelace nips
later bf wants to have em walk to soviet boston
cuz they have power food and work
but sister don't think its real
but girl goes with him
but after a while changes her mind
bf tries to turn her against sister
is this a feminist movie?
he gives her a Firestarter and they hug and she leaves him to go to h-ll after they b0ned a lot b4
man we're an hour in
that didn't feel like much
she goes back to her sister
later they find a guide book (instruction manual ) and collect non poison berries
then start making JaAM
later shes taking a dump and wipes her a55 with leafs
later they drink
I looked awa to see how tpo spell JaAM and they got power back somehow
they watch family videoes
later when girl is picking berries and sister is chopping wood, store guy comes by
after some talk he tries b0nibng her w/o consent
also he beats on her
she blacks out from being b0ned too hard as he jacks their car
girl returns and goes berserk with an axe
after tending to her, sister rests as girl stands guard with a rifle
then they board up the house
then a montage of girl boarding the place up and standing guard
later girl reveals she hid the gas from the sister and the store guy didn't take it all
and she used the generator to play music to cheer her up
later while working the place, girl busts her back
imagine if she strained too hard picking up at rock and blew out her a55 and had rectal prolapse?
even go nagai wouldn't do dat
apocalypse zero might
as would tom six
sister tries helping her back with her hands but has an episode
later after eating sister pukes
I think the store guy gave her the aids
he seemed kinda scummy
turns out shes pregnant
and girl wants to kill her niece b4 birth cuz the dad was bad
but sister knows her kid is innocent and ants to protect the child
later its 15 months since the power went
wonder how the kid would react knowing the girl wanted to kill it?
might wanna avoid telling her that
later girl is in a tree and pulls a j f k on a pig
then pulls out its greasy guts and butchers it
then cures and prepares it
my grampa did the same on his farm
my dad and his bros helped
oh theyre making its fat into soap
later they smell something and worry its the store guy
later its raining again(what is this? England?) and the roof beam fall in
then sister starts pooping out her baby
then they start walking as shes in labor
they go to their tree lair where she b0ned that guy and she poops it out
girl holds it even though she wanted it dead b4
it looks part alien
also we see sisters nips
sister sez shes gonna love the baby her whole life(a sign of a good parent)
they return home but sister thinks theres black mold in the home that's bad for her kid
so she wants to torch the place
they say humans were around 200 000 years but had electricity for 140
when did we get electricity?
that could date this film
so they torch the place after getting what they wanna save from it
now if someone comes looking for em, theyd think the girls bit it
the home burns in the rain to music
they go off into the woods
the end
that was pretty good
sort of a canadian violence jack
and not just for all the lesbians
it has goods flow
good messages of love and hope and toughing out things
and smart choices like saving gas
it had some twists I didn't see coming
and its mostly calm with a few rises in intensity
sort of like the 2000 x men film
not just high octane action
but I liked this
good tension
good twists
I avoided spoilers on wikipedea while watching this
for into the forest 2 I want it to be a bit over a decade later and the sisters and son are in the woods when a team of sasquatch hunters comes in. they reveal the blackout ended years ago and society has rebuilt and is now an 80s style cyberpunk thing. they go to the city and the kid has never seen electricity b4, but has heard of it, and thinks its magic. also he falls in love with a sexy robot chick and his mom and aunt are against it. its also a Gameboy and game gear and Atari lynx game where you play as the teen and try to win the robot girls cyber heart by competing in challenges to earn street cred to impress her.

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