Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 Review

note; people say this film s-cked. but they say so do my spelling
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3
this is my review in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 from 1993
its actually slightly based on a real ninja turtles comic
btw, some people think this movie is called "turtles in time"
but that's really the 4th Nintendo game
most people hate this one cuz its not as dark or edgy as the 1st 2 films
yet I find it more to be closer to the 80s cartoon everyone loved
I was born in 87 so I don't have many memories of it
I recall one turtle being mind controlled to get shredder and at the end of the ep was saying "shdredder! shredder! must find shredder!"
but was looking for the cheese shredder
and 1 ep where I think april turned into a bug creature
maybe i'm mixed up with extreme ghost busters\
but I had a few tnmt toys as a kid like a splinter that my dad hung from the ceiling vent by its tail
and this LCD game at my grade school where u move around and fight I think rocksteady
that one was like a tall rectangle with a bigger area on top for the screen like a gameboy
also once in grade school, a kid made a diorama of a thing but used a rocksteady action figure for it
I recall watching the 3rd movie on a tv in the hallway or open area at a center with a pool I went swimming at in da 90s
I later got into the TNMT games on Gameboy and Gameboy advance and they were usually good
back when konami did right
lets see how this holds up to my 21st century view?
so it starts in the distant future year of 1603 and guys on horses are chasing someone
theres some cr-ppy swordfighting and a ninja chick watches
at least its not miko mido from la blue girl
that would be a weird crossover
they catch him and cut to the turtles lair in soviet new York with credits
they dance and train to 80s music
I should note the brittish version censored the nunchaku as they are candy a55es
In the 2nd film they censored a turtle beating a guy with sausages as it looked too much like nunchaku
they also banned la blue girl for being too hot
so raf gets p-ssed they gotta train and thinks its not worth it
then april o'neil comes in dressed like da fonz
shes going on vacation and bought them cr-p at da flea market
also she wears a hat like joey jeremiah from degrassi jr high
1 think she bought was a weird Japanese septer
meanwhile, in the past, the horsemen bring the caught guy to the castle and hi dad is p-ssed he went out w/o permission
but the guy(his son ) is p-ssed at dad doing war
dad nearly cuts him down but a brit named walker stops him by shooting a metal bell
he brought 3 ships of powder and muskets to help the dad
son goes inside and pushes over stuff like hes tommy Wiseau and breaks over a stature with the septer
also theres a scroll with the ninja turtles on it that he thinks are kappa
he picks up the septer and it activates and switches him and april in time with 80s effects
also they swapped clothes
good thing she wasn't wearing a mini bikini
son faints seeing the turtles and splinter
also april has her Walkman and gets captured
son wakes up and thinks theyre kappa
also he speaks English as soviet England started trading with japan back then
but shouldn't he be speaking shakespere English or w/e?
they figure out they gotta go back in time to save her pretty quick
In japan they think april is a witch
her Walkman goes off and the samurai chop it up
she don't know what happened to son and tells brit sarcastically shes a witch
classic 90s tude vs Castlevania stuff
brit don't think shes a witch and has her locked up
Donnie figures out the time thing can only work by switchin an equal number people of equal weight
then casey jones shows up and they have him babysit the time travelers
yeah iike splinter cant handle em
also they got only 60 hours to save april
meanwhile, in the past, Aprils in the dungeon and they lock another guy up
a brit comes on to her but gives up
In the real version they'd be b0ning her
oh and the guy they brought in looks like casey
and she sees a rat she jokes is splinter
oh and the chick ninja is mitsu who leads the rebellion vs dad
they wanted to use her in the tnmt 5 tournament fighters on super Nintendo but after people hated this film, they replaced her with asuka and censored her b00bs jiggling ad butt shots in the American versions
in the genesis version you can fight as apriil which is pretty cool
meanwhile in the 90s, mikey wears cloths so the guys coming over aint naked
but the other turtles don't think they need it
at least the Japanese aint circimsized
then they time swap and the 4 guys who come by are in Japanese undies
and its his dads honor guard
back in japan theres a battle and the turtles are in samurai armor riding horses
no blood or wounds in here as its only pg
the horses run and 1 turtle is taken away while the rest crash in a pond
oh its mikie
as the horse carrys him, mitsu clubs him out and sees hes a turtle
so instead of shanking him they take him away
oh and the scroll with the turtles had their weapon like the sai and katana
oh and someone unseen gets the speter
wtf the son is named kenshin
like roruni kenshin?
so son nearly attacks the men but splinter stops him with words
later the turtles return the castle after the battle was won
the turtles hide under a cart to get in unnoticed and dad is p-ssed cuz the honor guard has their family relic
brit tells his minion to get april but minion bumps into a turtles and insults em
so they growl at him
Its just raf
then guys come for em and don cant speak Japanese despite being raised by splinter
so raf knox em out
they follow him into da dungeon and give him a wet willy and he flees and they save april
man we're like half an hour in
dat felt like nothing
then the turtle fight some guards and april saves not casy
they lock da door and jump down the poop chute to get out
but they say its just mud
cuz mud gets dumped down the dungeon chute
also don says; they could've fallen into a big greasy smelly pile of...
that line seemed dubbed in
I think in the real version its poop
da next day, mikiy wakes up in the village in a cabin
also apruil cleans the cr-p off and the turtles see her legs
by now they'd probably be getting hairy
and raf is impressed by how clean the water in
but then they get attacked by villiagers and kung fu fight
1 guy comes after april but not casey saves her
during the fight they make little comments that are kinda amusing
mitsu tries to j fk april but raf throws a sai at her bow
then they take off the masks and the fight stops
mitsu reveals they got mikey and they go to the village
I gotta say, real envoronments and non greenscreen nor cgi forced in looks pretty good
so the village is under attack by walker the brit but he orders the men to "fire over their heads"
even dragonball evolution had people getting shot
h-ll transformers the movie killed off like half the cast onscreen in the 1st act
both were rated pg
but the 80s tnmt cartoon had no killing either and people loved dat
so mikey joins in and scares the brits men
but walker brit thinks thinks its just a samurai in a mask
until he sees mikey and pulls a gun on him
also his minion is gonna j fk mikey but the turtles wet willy him and he fires and the shot makes walker miss
so the villiagers surround him and he rides through a cr-ppy fence
then a turtle saves a kid from a burning building
a reference to the 1st movie where Aprils apartment burned and all those foot soldier teens cooked?
but the kid bit it
so Donnie uses cpr to revive him
just like nikki sixx but less drugs
not sure how a turtle mouth can put air in him
also I hear turtles can breathe through their butts
Imagine him pooting cpr in him
so now the village likes him
later dad shows walker the scroll with the ninja kappa and sez in da past  the kappa beat his ancestors and they came for him
and he needs walklers guns
but walker jax up a price so he don't want it
later, I think the next day, the turtles train on horseback
they wanna make a new time septer but the plan is a55
april is p-ssed and showers in clothes as not casey wants to go with her to her thing
meanwile, in da 90s, casey gives em clothes and they get disgruntled by waiting
so casey shows em hockey on tv
the actor who played the dad was mister sparkle in the simpsons and jacks dad in samurai jack,
so they keep trying to make the sewpter and mikey makes a pizza but it burns
meanwhile, raf helps the cpr kid with his anger and tries to get him t enjoy being a kid instead of fighting
kinda like a smoker telling kids not to smoke
meanwhile the dads men train with guns
or is it walkers men?
yeah its walkers
also walker fires a canon and busts several targets
but the targets bust wrong
the time between busts is too much for the cannon ball to get through em
later mikey chats with mitsu about kenshin
back in da 90s the guard is watching hockey and eating junk food
so casey tries to have em play hockey
but they just fight
see, if the 80s cartoon did that, you smile
then its night in japan...wait... what about time zones?! Japan is 14 hours ahead of America! shouldn't they be in night when its day out here?
so dad signs a deal with walker and they agree to ice everyone
at the same time hundreds of years later, splinter senses something
that don't make sense
all the events in ancient japan are long over by the time splinter feels it
Its like if in dragon ball gt, goku feels danger from king piccolo in dragon ball
that's like something the Yugioh bonds beyond time movie did
so in a few hours the turtles somehow made a replica septer
but raf and mikey bicker over it and it busts
and mitsu tells em the dads forces are coming
then raf gives cpr kid a yoyo and comforts him about the coming attack and tells him and his homies to hide in the mountains (like uub in dbgt with bebi's attack)
Its a pretty good scene with heart
then he gives raf the scepter
he had it da hole time
and mitsu did it so they'd help her fight
but it was really cpr kids grampa who told them to hide it
this is one thing after another
then the walker men come by, capture mitsu, get the turts to give em the scepter and tell e to bring kenshin tomorrow and book it
and not casey did it
they bring mitsu to dad who don't believe her saying she don't have the scepter or kenshin
then he pulls a knife on dad but is stopped
later not casey wants to be equal partners with walker and not jest a spy

but then april come in on a cart as the turtles climb a wall
In da dungeon the geard dumps cr-p down the poop chute but the tretles come out and pull him under
they save her and april comes in to walkers room to bash not casey
also shes in a miniskirt and has been for most of the movie
april; he's lower than scum! he gives scum a bad name! walker; of course he does. that's why I hired him
dat 90s dialogue
da turtles go through the castle and find the scroll with the kappa
the dad comes in and almost fights mitsu but mikie stops em
then they fight the dads men
they free the prisoners I the dungeon (I thought there was only mitsu. is there a 2nd dungeon??) and more fighting
Its sorta like the Errol Flynn robin hood or captain blood movies
action but no blood
leo fights dad and wins
but instead of finishing him, he cuts off his topknot (which is a big dishonor to samurai)
then cuts a huge bell on him to trap him
just like mouse trap
but walker has april hostage
then walkers men come in with guns
walker wants em caped but not casey don't wanna
so they throw him with the Japanese and are gonna cap him too
but leo dares walker to ice em himself as they're daemons and the bullets will bounce back and kill the shooters
so walker gets a cannon against em
but leo dodges it by lowering his head into his shell
shoulders too
not sure that's how turetles work
and the canon blows open the bell
because of this the men all run in fear
so stewart runs off and gets his caged bird as the turtles follow him across da Japanese rooftops like a video game
he's trapped at a cliff and throws the scepter in the air so hard it tales almost a minute to come down
the teens get it and not cassie fires a catapult fireball that busts into walker and he blows apart into maty blood spraying chunks
it his the wood thing he's hanging onto and he falls in the sea
later mikie don't wanna go back as he lives in a sewer and they are loved here
but then kenshin activates the septer in the future and the others aint there yet
they're dancing to tarzan boy by baltimora and playing arcade games
then mitsu and cpr kid come by to say bye but mikey and raf wanna stay
mitsu sez some sappy cr-p and Donnie sez they shouldn't f with the people here's lives
also da honor guards are takin off their outfits and say bye to casey
they time travel but mikey is left behind
but then he swaps with the last guy and is back
kenshin returns and reconciles with his dad after the time travel just like with Jumanji
then makes out with mitsu
mikey is bummed but splinter cheers him up with an evlis ref blue Hawaii
then the turtles dance to 90s music and credits
then tarzan boy again
the end
that wasn't so bad
a good light 90s kids movie
year it wasnt as dark or edgy as the 1st 2
but on its own its not awful
the music is nice
the effects are good
Its actually darker than the 80s cartoon that everyone loved
I think people hated it cuz they were used to the ninja turtles films being srs and heavier
If this were a beetleborgs movie it would get less hate
its sorta like dbgt how people were so used to what came b4 that they didn't see this for what it was
its not awful and the 90s kid in me enjoys it
for teenage mutant ninja turtles 4 I want it to be set in the distant future year of 2014 and new York is a cesspoole of crime, violence, drugs and aids. april has married casey and has a teen son but he's malcontent and wants to join a drug gang. and its up to the turtles who are now 7 feet tall and roided up buff to save him. also april has turned to comfort eating from worrying about her kid and is almost 600lbs and casey is a big time hockey player who is on roids so he's big ad buff like hulk Hogan and out of town on games often. its also a 16 bit platformer with you playing as the turtles and ninja-ing through the twisted german expressionist city of new york and trying to take out the gangs who wanna seduce Aprils kid.

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