Monday, March 4, 2019

The Transporter Review

note; spelling American English bad like am is I
the transporter
this is my review on the transporter(from 2002)
its got Jason statham and
I never saw this b4 but heard bits of it
I actually like late 90s/early 00s films
they got a charm about em
so it starts in soviet England judging by the cr-ppy liscence plates and this guy (probably Jason) drives his big black car to a bank
hes the get away driver
but they weigh more than 254 kilos(which I have no idea how much that is(cr-ppy a55 metric system c-ck suckers))
as he don't got enuff gas for them in his car for a chase, he cant go
so they cap one of their own and drive off
I guess they didn't factor in their loot weight
after a bad a55 chase, they are caught
but Jason drives off a bridge and onto a car carrying truck
he shoots the lever(which I don't think would work in REAL life (yeah like any of this cr-p would)) and drives off
he eventually gets away by driving past a train as ity goes by and cuts off da cops
he takes the crooks to a place and they want him to take em further
but that wasn't part of the deal so he turns it and the extra cash down
later on the news the croocks got caught
later a cop comes by and implys he knows Jason was the driver
btw I think this is in france
so the cop here reminds me of death wish how he knows but cant prove
later Jason deals to move a package for someone
so later jeice is driving his package over and checks it.
its an Asian girl
he cuts a hole in the duct tape on her mouth and lets her drink
then stuffs her back in and drives off
but on the way shes kicking like a baby in the womb
he chex her and she sez she has to whiz
he gives her 1 min and puts a rope on her neck like a leash
but she ran away into the woods
he catches her and sez "rule 3: never look in da package"
when they get to da car he fights 2 guys
its cool how he throws her at em
so he brings her in to this guys mcmansion and sez he didn't look and rule 2; no names
the sleazy guy pays him and wants jace to deliver a briefcase to some guy
he consents
on the way he gets an orangina from a machine and it has free straws in it (which is illegal in soviet California(unlike aids spreading)) and his car blows
jeice goes back to the mancion and caps everyone
he beats a55 too
ands takes out 3 guys with axes
he hotwires a car and drives out
in da car is the Asian girl who he dumps by da road but goes back 4
and puts in da tunk
he goes back to his base and keeps her tied to a chair
he cuts her free, gives her a bowl of cr=p and chopsticks (nowadays people would call dat racist) and goes to bed
she looks around his place and finds his military and past photos
meanwhile, sleazy guy stops by the hospital and his minion there sez da transporter did it
then kills him by stuffing a rag in his throat
next day Asian girl made him coffe, tea and food
later cop comes by and sez he found pieces of jasons car that blew
he sez his car was jacked and she sez she drove him
after checking the car Jason hotwired and nearly seeing the f;d up front he goes
h and she sez shes da cook
I look away for a sec and his home blows
turns out hes under attack
,machine  guns firing and everything
they fire a rocket at em and it takes like 20 seconds to hit so Jason is able to get her and escape
they dive in this well as the house totally blows
they go under water like ecco the dolphin and use scuba tanx
they go to another house and they take off some clothes
she tries b0ning him but hew don't consent\
but then they b0ne
then they tell da cop they went swimming in the ocean (where whale j-zz) and sez when they came back it burned down
he sez they got the wrong house with the 5000 rounds of ammo and he lives off his army pension
cop goes off to do so0mething and Asian girl goes through cops pc to find the sleazy guy b4 cop gets back
Jason wants to go off and let bad guy think hes dead
but she sez there is 400 people on a boat coming, including her fam, to be enslaved
she sez not everything is a lie, like when they b0ned, and wins him over
also cop turns on his pc and sees sleazy guys info
so then Asian and jeice ambush sleazy guy and hold him at gunpoint
he blames jacon for looking in the package and that she lied to jasen
she pulls a gun on him but he eggs her on and she don't cap
then an Asian ghuy comes in saying hes her dad
he has his men aim at Jason and tells her to drop her gun to save him
she does and he orders em to ice Jason
but the cops come in
sleaze and Asian dad say Jason kidnapped a girl and tried to black male them
cop arrests Jason and he wakes up in jail
cop sez he needs da truth and he tells of the 400 slaves
cop sez theres rules to follow but Jason can do it faster and he lets jaese in I mean out
jase walks out with cop at gunpoint and drives to a boat in a trunke
good use of playback
Jason lives by rules, but after breaking em, gets better
as does cop
Jason goes on a boat alone
on da boate dad is p-ssed at girl for not speaking English as he payed a lot for lessons 4 her and slaps her for saying she hates him
oh and I think its night
Jason is taken down and sleaxy guy sez, keep him alive, as I guess he wants to b0ne him dead
then leaves as Jason takes out all the goons
jason jumps around the crates and onto trucks like a freekin n64 Zelda game
then gets to a bus station and beats a55
then beats a55 on a bus w/o a shirt
its pretty bad a55 and sorta like Hokuto no ken or riki-oh
then fights the bus level boss, a bigger buffer hairless guy
jases is in a headlock and kicks a55 with his legs
also all this aids blood spills on the area
maybe its grease or oil
he puts on foot clips and can walk w/o slipping
then gunmen come in and he uses the big guy as a shield and jumps out the window
they throw a drum of oil out and shoot it to burn the sea
Jason sucks air outta big guy to survivre like in the riki-oh manga
later Jason is driving te cops cr-pmobile and it f--ks out
he jacks a crop duster and parachutes to the truick with the thing of slaves
he uses his parachute to take out a few cars and busts in and kicks the driver out onto da roade
he uses a pice of glass as a mirror and sees a guy about to cap him so he stabs him with it
then drives with his feet and reclines the seat against him
Jason is kicked through the windshield but crawls under da truck
dad tries shooting him so Jason throws a metal rom under da thruck through ads drivers neck like a shuriken
cool, its a flat front truck like optimus prime
Jason takes out the driver and stop his truck but dad holds him and gunpoint
instead of capping him, he takes him to a cliff and monologues
Jason sez dad wont make girl into him and dad aims at Jason
gunshot fires but it was girl who capped dad
also cop is there
oh and I think sleazyu guy was the one he threw outta da truck
in the uncut ver I think he splattered under da wheel
so they save the slaves, even though i'm pretty sure you cant fit 400 people in 1 truck back trailer and more were still enslaved, and cool music plays
the end
that was pretty cool
good acting
I mean action
good effects
cool story
the main guy is bad a55 and fights tough guys
its a bad a55 movie
hes like zero from mega man x
starts out bad but turns good
its a cool bad a55 kung fu action movie
its not trying to be gone with the wind or ben hur
its just entertaining and awesome
I liked it
for the transporter 2 I want sleazy guy to have revealed to have survived and was upgraded by cyber implants. he also can combine with his car to form an exosuit like in Robotech season 3. he goes after Jason and the Asian girl, who is now really pregnant from months of b0ning, and trues to get his revenge. but Jason unleashes his true kung fu power and uses ki attacks to damage the bad guy. also its a 16 bit platform game where you play as Jason and do more jobs and missions and fight the sleazy guts homies over the game with sleazy guy as the boss.

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