Troy Review

note; just got a new computer and the keboard is kinda bad

troy

this is my review on troy (2004 version)

as a 90s kid I heard this story a lot on tv

I think there was an ep of "mythic warriors: guardians of the legend" about it

that was a good show

nd several student bodies actors were in it

or were they from degrassi?

maybe sailor moon

also my dad read me the Iliad from his collection of classic's illustrated comic books

and of course Hercules and xena

although I hAvent read the book in years\

it starts with text that sez achillies int happy with kig agganenmon

and king is trying to take over or something

we get some narration basically sayng; in 100 years what will this matter?

then we get some solders lining up and 2 chariots meet

2 geezers talk and decide instead of a war, they'd have their best man each fight

this big hairless buff gay comes up but achilies there

aw gay its brad pitt as achilies!

he talks with a kid and the kid sez achilies mom was a goddess

the kid sez he wouldn't wanna fight the big guy

brad pitt sez that's why no one will remember him

brad coms back and the king isn't on good terms with him

so brad fights the big buff guy

he kills him in 1 hit

the geezer gives brad a ruler item for his king but brad sez "hes not my king"

then a king of Sparta has a dinner with paris(the torjan)

its a peace meeting with troy and Sparta

is that erich bana??

is that olando bloom?

paris comes upstairs and talks to this blonde

its revealed they've been b0ning all week

she tries to not b0ne him but gets nude and they b0ne

we don't see her huge nipples

after they b0ne shes worried about her man killing both of em

al she don't wanna lose him as hes going home soon

what about the goddesses?

wasnt this b0nig started cuz a goddess made her love paris?

later bloom and bana are boating home and he reveals he took the blonde

also when bloom started telling bana about it he said

last time you talked like this you stole fathers horse

I assume he was b0ning the horse too

bana argues with bloom but lets him keep her

then he Sparta king tells aganemnon about his woman getting swiped by troy

the aganemnon uses this as an excuse to attack troy as he wanted to b4

but he needs brad pitt to do it

brad pit has a sword fight with a younger male

but its with wood swords

Odysseus comes by to get brad to join em in fighting the Trojans

also the younger male is brads cousin\

brad talks to his mom

she sez if he don't go he gets a happy life and a good family

but if he goes to troy hes gon get iced ad become a legend

btw, all these blonde greeks have obviously dyed hair

I didn't know they had blonde dye in bible times

so brad goes to troy

at troy, Orlando bloom and helen and erich bana rach home and go to their dads place

they all kiss to greet each other as theyre European

also blooms cousin chose to be a shrine virgin to their sun god

shuldnt she have swastikas on her robes? for sun worship?

bana wants his dad to make bloom return helen

but the dad (king priam/optimus prime) sez their sungod will protect em

at night bloom suggests them running away

helen sez Sparta king would wack everyone to get her back

the next day we get a shot that makes troy look like a bad n64 game

later the war bell rings and a battle starts at the beach

on the way thee, brad pitt(in a rather saint seiya style armor) breaks rank and goes in on his own with his 50 men

he has his cousin stay on the boat as he don't want him to fight

we then get a semi saving private ryan style battle

the greeks link shields and use it as a barrier from arrows

after some sword melee more greeks arrive\

1 big buff long haired greek guy comes in and busts em

he looks like a level boss in a beat em up

brad pitt epically f's them up and they win

brad pit sez for them to loot the place but a soldier sez the sun god sees everything

its a temple to him

so brad pit slices off a gold statues head

more Trojans arrive but he is levels beyond them

he goes into the temple and when they follow they get ambushed

brad talks to hector and brad wants to fight in public in an epic battle

also brads men iced the defenceless priests

brad is so arrogant here

and he don't care for those he kills or their famlies

hector returns home and brad talks to the big buff long hair (revealed to be ajax)

btw, I don't think this happened in the real version

bana's cousin was captured and maybe b0ned by the greeks

bad pit is shown as innocent of icing priests and claims hes seen the gods

also he doesn't mo lest her

later brad pit goes to see agenemnon who is pomicing eating in troy tomorrow

hes cocky

\he sez brad didn't win but he did as hes a king

in America we don't have kings

these people are more like the brits

then he has banas cousin brought in and I gonna b0ne her

theres some arguing and the cousin sez she don't want anyone to die for her

later the tojans are having a meeting about the war

hector(erich bana) disagrees with the omens of the high priest's fortellings

as a superstitious man(with superstitious grandma's) I say if theres a sign, its best to follow

also hes disenfranchised by seeing brad bit attack his sungod statue and not getting iced by the sungod

but he don't know achilies is part god

lke Hercules, castor, pollux, perseus and other heroes made into yugioh cards

at night the Trojans talk about their worries for the coming battle

the next day brad pit is malcontent over the king being an a55

hes disgruntled about all the men he killed waiting for him in h-ll

brad pitt goes to h-ll, the final Friday

so brad pits cousin goes instead

Orlando bloom has a 1 on 1 fight with the greek side

I just realized that the greeks using achilies is like in yugioh how kaiba had a god card

unfair

athough nowadays we have cards that an counter it or exceed its atk

bloom and bana meet agenemnon and the Sparta king (oh and the geezer from b4)

aganenon wants troy to work for him and to surrender helen

bana tell him to f off

bloom wants to face the Sparta king over helen

aganemnon don't accept but Sparta king gets him to

time for a boss battle!

Orlando fights an in even battle and isn't as big or strong as the Spartan

he is kinda f'd up

tag out!

he runs away like a candy a55

 don't recall this from the books

hes gonna ice Orlando bloom but erich bana wastes the Spartan

the greeks attack and bloom runs home with his cut up leg

but goes back to get the holy sword

they get in and the sides fight

ajax fights hector and is a monster like the guy n 300

but hector wins

the sniper archers are picking off greeks easy and eventually the greeks retreat

hector sez to send an emissary to the greeks to let them know to collect the fallen

but a guy asks, would they do the same for us?

this make s the trojans look like the good guys

but we all know what happens

maybe its like with ww1 and the brits winning?

at night Orlando and helen talk about him being a candy a55 and she tries to cheer him up

agenenmon argues with his advisors over them needing to be there as the Sparta bit it

bt he wants t stay to save face

also

the cousin of hector is getting roughed up and almost branded by greeks

I assume they were gang b0ning her in the real version

was she in the real version?

but brad pit saves her

they talk about soldiers and war

also bad challenges her faith in her pagan gods

he sez their gods envy humans over their live term limits

I'm not sure that's how it works Bradley

who wrote this?

maybe the guys who made that noah movie with russel crow

that was all kinds of screwed up

I mean its well made but the story is all wrong

what next?

lincon eating the slaves??

later the cousin has brad at knife point and is gonna ice him

but they b0ne instead

the next day brad pit gets ready to leave and a guy gets him to stay and fight

he also gives good advice

brad pits cousin dnt want him to go and wants to fight

also hector wants to stay defensive a its the logical choice

but the kings advisor wants them to attack

so they attack

also brad pit b0nes hectors cousin again

but the Trojans attack

they set small fires and roll yarn balls at em so they get burned and crushed and things explode

this is turning into a ww1 film with its looks

the next day they greeks and trojans fight

but the fight stops as hector fights achillies

and hector wastes him

but its really achilies's cousin in achilies's armor

then the sides leave

in the book hector cut holes in the cousin and dragged him around in is chariot

brad pit is p-ssed that his men went into battle against his orders

but the men thought the cousin was him

he flips out and chokes the messenger and hectors cousin

I assume he was violently b0ning them in the real version

later hector tells his woman of a secret way out of the city

he sez if he bites it and falls, the greeks will waste the men, splatter the babies and use the chicks as butt slaves

sounds like the soviets in ww2

the next day achilies and hector suit up and go to a battle

hectors cousin ties to stop achillies from icing hector

hector says bye to his fam and woman and child and goes out to face his rival

hector asks for a pact for the loser to get a decent burial

achillies tells him to f off and hes gonna butcher him

they fight

its pretty even

but rad pit gets a few hits

hector winds up shanked in the shoulder with a spear part and shived in the chest with a blade

then brad pit tied up erich bana and drags him around on his chariot

w/o hector doing it 1st it kina f'd up the motive

at least hes not b0ning the corpse

he brings it back and the hector cousin is unhappy

what a d-ck

at night king priam sneaks into achillies tent

he wants his son

brad pit sez "he killed my cousin" but king priam sez; how many have you killed?

brad pit sees himself as some kind of ubermench just cuz hes 1/2 god

priam tries to reason with him

and somehow it worked

he gives back the body and the cousin he b0ned

then sez sorry for hurting her

Agamemnon is disgruntled over Achilles promising 12 days of peace to priam

later the greeks are leaving and they left a huge wood horse

Orlando bloom wants to burn it

the advisor wants it as a gift to the gods

they bring it in

a guy sees  greek ships nearby in a hidden zone

but falls off his horse and is KO'd

out of the horse the greeks come out and open the gates and slay he guards

then more greeks come in and waste everyone

the also torch the place

wtf

achillies spares people for having kids and lets em out

doesn't he get iced by paris in the heel?

Orlando bloom gives his holy sword to a guy and sez

as long as its in the hands of a Trojan, they have a future

then goes off to fight

1 Trojan sez

the boatman waits for us, make him wait longer

like that line in 300

tonight! we dine! in h-ll!

the king priam bits it

gammenmn catches the cousin and wants her as a slave

but she shanks him

soldiers catch her but achillies saves her

then Orlando bloom fires a buncha arrows into brad pitt as the cousn tries to stop him

1 in the heel

it don't explain why that's what gets him

in the real story he was dipped in magic fluid and was held by the heel to lower him in

the fluid gave him invincibility

they cut the whole "influence of pagan gods" parts

despite it being the main force of he story

its like cutting God out of the 10 commandments

it takes away the driving force of the story

odssyeus sez their story will live on

that wont do much good for em in h-ll

oh and some trojans escape

the end

that movie wasn't bad

good fight scenes

but they cut the gods!

its like star wars w/o the force

ooh, peter o'toole was in this

he was the priam and was good in it

better than Lawrence of arabia

for troy 2 i' like for the king to have survived by making a demon pact and is now super strong and has black ki attacks. but the people of troy have been going around lace to place outside the greek powers and making allies with the eastern Europeans like Poland and Ukraine. they gather enough allies to wage a counter attack to bring down the greeks. but the greeks have been experimenting with black magic and have fused their soldiers into double soldiers; 2 people in 1 with 4 legs, 4 arms and have 2x the size of a real man. so they pray and get angels to help hem and its an epic dbz/ Robotech battle of angels and poles vs double soldiers and greeks. also the sword of troy has a magic power that lets the user go god mode and raises their power to their opponent power + 1.