Armageddon Review

note; I actually have started going back after reviewing and fixing some spelling. not much though

Armageddon

this is my review on Armageddon (the 98 film)

I saw this in theatres in the 90s

I wanted to see small soldiers but my dad took us to this

wtf its by touchtone

they did nightmare b4 Christmas

aw gay

its widescreen

it starts with the old earth theory of the dinosaurs being wiped out by a meteor

but if it wiped out huge lumbering dinosaurs, how did smaller more temperature sensitive animals like butterflies amd frogs survive?

and why did Mary Higby Schweitzer find a dinosaur bone with soft tissue still intact?

and why are there sightings of mokele mbembe and other things in Africa?

so the earth is destroyed and the narrator sez it will happen again\

then nasa in space gets busted by meteors

a star gazer  is b--ched at by his woman

he sez he found something

then its new York

and meteors bust it up

its like with Sodom and Gomorrah

wtf

j j abrams did this

and so did Michael bay

no wonder it s-cked

then the star gazer reports it and naes I after his woman cuz its awful

turns out its the size of texas and will wipe out all life on earth

and its 18 days away

and the prom's tomorrow!

I should mention that Armageddon isn't "the end of the world"

it means "the battle at Megiddo" where the forces of good and evil fight 1 last time

the bible doesn't even call it the "end" of the world

its the end of the AGE or ERA

might as well call it "vimy ridge"

meanwhile bruce willis is hitting golf balls at oil protesters

hes an oil drilling thing in the sea

then he hears there was a screw up

he confronts ben Affleck and finds he's benn b0ning bruce willises daughter

so he tries to cap him with a shotgun

waste that dreg

later bruce willis talks to his daughter over it

she sez shes been b0ning ben affrecxk for 5 months

meanwhile scientists decide to drill into the asteroid by using the worlds best deep core drillers

why not just train astronauts to use a drill?

also; drilling on a metal asteroid is different than drilling in the ocean

the gov coms for bruce wllis and he asks to bring his kid

also steve buscemi sez he "never knew the girl's age" whe the gov comes

is he a child b0ner?

I mean theres a difference between 6 and 16

16 is old enough to have kids

look at all those teen 5kanks who b0ned over 300 guys

the gov tells bruce willis about the asteroid

the gov is keeping the asteroid facts from the people

they think it will keep people from going nuts

if the worlds gonna end whats the harm?

the gov stole plans for and copied his drill and built is cr-ppy

burce wllis sez "drilling is a science"

I say that's cr-p

he also finds nasa has no back up plans

he decides to do t if he can get his team as he only trusts em

we get a montage of them doing cr-p and the gov getting em

brce wilis gets ben Affleck who has alread got his own busness and is a dumba55

they get informed on the mission and want things in return

they ant their crimes negated and 8 track tapes back

1 wants the trooth on j fk

1 guy ants to summer in the white house

and none wanna have to pay taxes again

they get physicals and screw around in the dr's office

they get mental tests and all sound unbalanced

they all failed the tests but get in anyway

they then get trained how to e the new super shuttle

the x 71

not the x 1 from pee wees big adventure

or the x jet from x men

they hen get a montage of training in planes, undr water and them just being j-rkoffs

they brief on how to do the mission
they go to space, refuel at a Russian space station, drive around the moon, slingshot to the asteroid, nuke it, and leave.

all b4 it gets to close

brce wilin finds ben af;eck making out with his daughter

he asks her to marry him

I assume they were b0ning in the real version

hes malcontent over the idea of her marrying ben Affleck

I would too

\if ben Affleck wanted to b0e my kid, i'd tie him down and let pigs f him

\the drilling homies give their vews on the situation

often calling his daughter hot and seuxaly active

have they b0ned her too?

they train and be Affleck f's it up

he thinks the machine can do more than the scientists think

bruc willis chews out ben afflecks a55

then the guys get a night off to live it up

steve buscemi borrows 100 grand

ben Affleck does roleplay with animal crackers on bruce willises kid's bod

food fetish

e get a aerosmith song doing a montage of the driller guys spending 1 last night with their fams

steve buscemi and guys go to a strp club and he falls I love with a blonde bikini girl

they get in a fight and are arrested

they tell em to call nasa

yeah thatll work

then Asia gets f'd up by meteors

the gov guy billy bob thornton sez the whole world knows now and he wants to go but cant as hes crippled or something

we get a montage of news clips

bruse seilins has a tacked on emtonal moment with his kid saying hes goa come back and bring ben Affleck back

they get ready to leave and sing I'm leaving on a jet plane"

thre president gives a speech and sez the bible calls this day "Armageddon"

that's not accurate

he gives a tacked on emotional speech to try to give depth to this montage of 90s music and special effects blowing up

I notice this is a lot like independence day

only not as good

they go into space and I noice they didn't send a REAL astronaut for driving the plane as these guys have like a few days of experience

btw the cgi is pretty cr-ppy

like a ps1 game

they go to the Russian space station and it can somehow simulate gravity

the soviet guy gives ben Affleck te task of watching the pressure thing as hey refuel the rocket

it overloads and the communicator don't work so he cant contact the soviet

he tries the shut off level but it snaps

the whole station starts f--king out

what a cr-ppy space station

\he place starts blowing up and they get to the ship

its just fire and noise and flashing lghts

they nearly leave ben Affleck behind

but he makes it back somehow

they leave as the whole station goes up

they fly around the moon ad go to 10 g's

that 10 x earths gravity

I otta try that for training

they go to the meteror and the debris around it causes the ships to be f'd up

they crash and it turns out they missed the landing my 26 miles

they are on an iron plate

also ben afleck's ship crashed and only he and the soviet survived

oh and the black guy

they drive a space vehicle like in phantasy star out of the busted shuttle

the other guys try drilling through the iron plate

but it don't work

meanwhile on earth the nasa guys say the moon gravity f';d with the asterorids spin and its gonna be outta radio range

bruke willis sez the metal is stronger than earth metal and has busted 2 drills and a transmition

he argues with people over some cr-p I didn't really pay attention to

aw f

this movie is still going

I thought they were gonna end soon

its been nearly 3 hours

that's like birth of a nation!

then the army guy played by the guy who was goliath in gargoyles (keith david) takes over the nasa mission and is gonna set off the nuke on the asteroid w/o the hole drilling

I don't even remember this part

and I watched this film last night

bbilly bob thornton tries to stop em but the order goes through

they start the timer

bruse willis tries to stop it but this nasa guy with em pulls a gun on him\

\billy bob buys them a few minutes to delay the nuke

bruse willis nails him  with a wrench ad chokes him with it

imagine if in the real version he b0ned him into submission

the counter restarts and bruse wilus talks the nasa guy into defusing it

after its effused they magically get communication back and bruse wilus sez he told his kid he's coming home

at the drilling, steve buscemi rides a nuke and makes cowboy noises like in dr strange love

ben Affleck realizes that theres less gravity in space and jumps a massive canyon I his phantasy star vehicle

but they bust through som rocks and start going into space

the soviet guy goes out and fixes the thrusters so to can return to ground

they crash and no one bites it

btw, b4 they drove into space ben Affleck asked if the soviet guy knew evil kenievle

he replies he never saw star wars

now jj abrams is doing starwars

spoiler; Robotech is better

\at te drill site, steve buscmei starts shooting the place up and is tackled\

he has space dementia

then the meteor starts f--king out and the drilling this gets busted

the news sez the mission failed and people on earth try hiding in their basements form the planet busting meteor

its like holding up a kleenix to stop a freight train

the cities start going nuts with stock footage from the 3rd world

oh and a meteor busts some city

a smaller one

then the ben Affleck arrives in his phantasy star tank and they restart drilling

oh and steve buschemi is duct taped to the chair

ben Affleck nearly blowy a transmission but it works out as for once he was right about it making it

btw shouldn't they have taken several days to reach the asteroid?

I mean the oon trip took days to go from da urth 2 da moon in da 60s

thye are setting the nuke and meteors rain on em

they say the meteor is trying to wack em

then theres exlosions

1 guy nearly goes into space

oh and one guy bit it

and the nuke was damaged and one of em has to stay behind to set it off

\why didn't they bring a spare trigger?

they decide to draw straws

steve buschemi wants to stay and bite it

ben Affleck is chosen to stay and go to space h-ll

ben nd bruse go to the surface and bruse pulls out bens air hose so he goes back

we get a really hokey moment of him saying he seez ben as a son and is proud to have him marry his kid

as my black friends would say;\my a55!

i'd love for one of em to say to the other; see you in h-ll!

brce wilus sends a hokey forced message to his kid (whos like 24) about him going to h-ll

after some tech cr-p, they take off from the asteroid

after a long rawn out thing of him getting to the trigger, he flips it and has a weird flashy thing of his kid

the rock xplodes and t lights up the sky like a 2nd sun like in 2010()the sequel to 2001 a space odyssey

they return to earth and are greeted by their loved ones

even steve buschemi who has the strpper meet him and ants to breed with him

would heir kids be hot or ugly?

maybe a weird mix like tommy wiseau

in thetres we saw the wedding of be afleck and the brice willis kid but its not in the tv version I'm watching

the end

hat movie as long loud and I have a headache

personally I preferred small soldiers and felt ben Affleck was pretty cr-ppy I here

but hes just a cr-ppy guy

its like in the 1927 ww1 film "wings" where the main guy is a j-rkoff and you keep hoping he gets shredded.

For Armageddon 2 I\d like for aliens to come to earth and say that the asteroid from the 1st movie was theirs and is the only thing that can save their people. The earth reveals they busted it and the aliens have to ritual sacrifice the people responsible for its destruction to return it to its true forme. The gov decides to help em but the people rebel as they view the people who saved the earth as heroes and human gods. A civil war breaks out with the aliens and gov vs the people over trying to save or sacrifice the guys from the 1st movie. Ben Affleck leads the rebellion but his son (who hates him for raising him to be a commie and ashamed of his ancestry) has sided with the gov and the aliens and is given a cyber armor suit to splatter people who get in his way of getting Ben Affleck. Once he captures Ben Affleck the son and the aliens give him full body enema's until he ruptures all over and the asteroid is renewed. Also ben Affleck\s kid is the reincarnation of bruce wllis and is disgruntled over sacrificing himself to save a j-ck off like ben Affleck haing regretted saving him. oh and he downloaded his essence into his daughter who passed it into her uterus to reborn him. oh and steve buschemi and his strpper and their tommy wiseau kids were spared as steve going nuts on the mission was a reaction to him being psychic and knew it was bad to blow up the asteroid and his kids have esp and hunt for the gov to find those to ritual sacrifice and can form psy blades with their psychic ki.