Thursday, March 17, 2022

Lorna Doone Review

 Noye; i spell better than house attraedes, wait, wrong dune!

Lorna Doone

This is my review on Lorna Doone from the distant future year of 1922(100 years before robotech ii the senrtinels hapnede)

its directed by Maurice Tourneur who did TYhe Blue Bird from 1918(Which was really good) the 1920 Treasure Island and last of the mohicans

it stars Madge Bellamy from white Zombie, John Bowers from The Ace Of Hearts, Jack McDonald from Greed, Gertrude Astor from The Man who Shot Liberty Vallence, Joan Standing from the 20sa Oliover Twsit/Greed/ and the 30s dracula.Little Lord Fauntleroy, and a buncha 1800s guys i never saw in anything

I never saw this but think there's a Classics Ilustrated Comic Book of it

Its based on a novel by Richard Doddridge Blackmore but I never read it

So aftertitle and credits that has that classic look of a castle with shadows and lights, wqe get text saying this is a big a55 romance story that lasts

then i mean there in a bar is soviet england by the coast andf a farmers son comes home from boarding school

lorna is the daughter of thee coountess of lorne and wears a big dress

both are kids but seem to fall in love at 1st sight

buit then the highway men called the doones are comming or attacked or w/e and are a klasn of theioves aND BANDITS like in mad max

1 guy just warned of them and 1 chick says they dont attack ladies but is told to take the long way aroundf as its safer

like that d a r e powewr rangers add saying a safe trip home is worth a few extra minutes

lorna uses a water pump to hose off the son's head as he was too hot or sometyhing and he shows her his knife and pokes her finger

dont get tetanuys or hiv

he gives her the knife incase the biker gangs get her, i assuyme to seppuku ifg they catch her so she isn't used as a b0ninbg slave

she goes off  and later ensor doone is aN EXILED NOBLEMMAN as he wasn't politically correct and now is malcointent

he sends his clan of 1800s bikers after the countess lorna coavch and they catch em, takke the lady from it, but lorna fights em off witrh as knife

shes caught and ensioor takes lorna as a slave and throw the chick on the beach fior the craB PEOPLE TO eat

the son sees this and vows t end the doones one day and after a time skip, lorna is a greown a55 woman who wants friends and reads books

i thought they were wasteland warriors, not nerds!

so she saves a bird from some slum kids and brings it to ensor and i think he's gay for her even thoguh he;'s like 40 years older than her like woody allen or hugh heffner

councellor doone is a starscrteam guy and he wants his son to ahve her as a woman

the doone base is protected by the doone gate and the hgorsemen ride out from it

carter doone is the wildest ofd thema nd 5the wifes of doones are cr-pppy in times of lifes(wtf am i talking about or trying to say?)

oh carter tries b0nming a chick but lorna stops him like a female bodybuioilder in a go nagai anime

the almost b0ned chick is not happy this carter tried mouthing her mouth and lorna cheers him i mean her up

carter offers lorna a necklase and runs off to ensor and strarscrteam

the son named john boy ius the satrongest man in the area and a bada55 like a go nagai hero, but nice like goku

man he lifts a big a55 log in the river! HE MAN!

so carver, i thought it was carter, ort did i? i dont rememnber what i just wrote, wqants lorna to be his lover want to be his lover but lorna dont want that and bites off his footlong, i mean freaks out and asks wnsor for mercy

ensor sez as long as he lives then lorna has the freedom to choose her man, so i assime hes gonna get wacked

big bad john boy falls in the river abnd goes downtream to the boone base and theres a waterfall coming up that he dodges , waitm, he goes dowen it

but people were tougher in the casatelvbania days and hers just a big bruised

he wakles up to lorna tending his bimps i mean bumps and she reveals she knows him from the knife she got from him as kids after he tells her name

he remember her from that 1 day she met him and they are happy, but he finds shes a dooine

seeing she's his enemy, he raises his right hand and swings ity with a fury never before seen andf spplatters her across the lake in a burst of blood and organs

jk she really sez she dont know her real name buiit knows she's not a soone i mean doone

so are the doones inbreeding? like taght scottish or irish or w/.e cannibal family?

she shgows him the way ouit and he sez if she needs him,., use the batsignal by puting a light on this rock nearby

themn thius guy comes by and lorna stops him from goping after jonnhy boy

back home which is a mile away from doone base, john boy returbns hime and his cousin is gay nfor him, but cousins are ok to marry, its different enough, rioght? not that there's anythign wrong with thaztm, itys nartual, animals do it, ti doesnt mnatter who you love!

so ewinson is running outta life and gives lorna her moms necklace

carver or w/e comes in and is rough with einors and comes onto lorna as winsor cant do jack sh-t

aftwer he goos, eionsor werites a note AND loorna tells her slave or we/e tyo do the batsignal

erinsor writes that lorna is the ward of the king and signs it but bites it, wait, he dont, and coils it up to give to loorna

why not f--king tewll her the truth?!

dont write it in a note!!

f--kin dumbna55!

so loorna sends the note to a guy tyo deliver AND einsor bites it

lorna books it as the guys either fight, b0ne or partyy, i cant tell with these itrrishmen or w/e the f tyhey arte

ohn they are celebrating the end of einsor and how the new leader can b0ne lorna

so the boones i mean doones ciome in and find einsorf in h e doubel england and he tries tio get her to drink like he's that celeb who drugs chicks and b0nes trheir buuts, backdoor polanski

so she knocks the driunk away and carver summons the blind minkl anbd is gonna force marry her like its the 3rd world today

but johnny boys a commin and gets to the doone base

she's in her room and calls to him through the rwood bars and tells him sh-t as the lusty brits ready for a butt hammering

violence john bends the bars weith bare beef and the a55 carver comes in so he hides and aint seen

johnny got his gun and when lorna and carveing a55 goo to have what thgey call marraige, johhny returns to the bars

he's gonna go rambo on em?

manly john breaks through the roof like f--kin kekko kamen and slams on those inbreeders they caps one and a55 kicks his way out while carrying lorna like homer with mark hammil in that simpsons ep

but turns out ensor isnt dead dead, but just a bit dead and lingers like vegeta after frereza beamed him and comes out to stop them by his command like hes f--kin megatron

john and lorna escape as the doones are surproxzes ensor is not fully dead, but i guess its like with jyuuza in hokuto no ken how his body fought on after biting it and he keels over

it would be cool if it melted or disintegrated to dust on the floor

so john and lorna are in their village and all lovey dovey but theww countess comes in and wants to take her back to the civilized area

is john a redneck? i mean he's on the farm and sh-t and is nnice and good natures and bada66

so the countress reveals that lorna is a lady and the king commands she come to him to be a royal not a rebel

johnny acts happy but really wants her to stay but knows its for the best snf sher goers off in her cart

the doones see this but dont do anything as if they king is on their a55, their butt f---ked

so months later, the john goes to the london to get back an lorna

he sees how the elites oppress the humans and other unamerican things like guys trying to jack his sh-t

he brought a present for her but isnt al;lowed to see her, but can at the Chriustening of the royal infant

did they have a j-rk off royal wedding where the media whined about the candya55 prince marrying a weoman for months like in the 2010s?

after that it made me with we sides with zee kaiser

so the prince is bweingf bnaptized which is a a big event as i assume they are usually daemons or somethign and this one might have humnan dna

john boy meets lorna and shes glad to see him but is stopped by a halberd by a guard as he's not one to them

the deviant king james jr comes in but theres guys against the monarchy, wait, what yeatr is this?!

1 guy tries to linconm or j fk the prince but john interferes and the shot misses

they fight and fdall off the balcony and he's a destiny hero

lorna shows him off to the royal c-ck suckers and they are happy only cuz he did somethign good for them and plays with the baby

the rolays think hes a p o s and not worthy cuz hes fun and he's taken away, wait, he steps on a foot and seenng  they hate him

he runs back hiome and gives up on life and hope and his couson whos totally into him tells him to stop being into lorna

later the lorna returns and he thinks hes not good enough for her

imagine if adam sandler remaks this and he sh-tted all over the place at the president of the companies barmitzva or bris for his nephew

lorna renounced her title to be with him as she loves him more than those devolved brits

they are later in da church and gonna be married and the cousin tells the doones about it as shes jealous like yumi in violence jack slumking where she outed mary and ken but then died form not real reason

srsly, she just dies

so in da chhurch a doone j fk's the lorna and runs off on his horse like he';s the right honorABLE JOHN WILKES BOOTHE

lorna bites it i think ands john vows to avenge her like hes f--kin cutey hioney and goes off to stop the doones, no matter the cost

cousin inbreeder sees that her same family partnet might bite it so she goes off to the doones base too

and trhe people can't take the doones after this assassination and rally to end the doones

at trhe base, john is in the open andf challenged carver to 1 on 1 combat where 2 go in, one comes out, either john diesm, or carver dies, like rob ford saidf he'd do to that candya55 frenchie

buy before john can kill him, poke his eyes out, and f--k him when hes dead, the doones open fire on him like its warsong on sega genesis and he f--kingh dodges funfire in anescape like he;'s batman and takes cover

the townsfolk come over and meet johnny and inbreeder cousin is there and john shows his military talent and organizes a battleplan to come in the rear

the frontal assault has a fire fight and the 20 men go around back as the frontal attack brings it to em


so the rear entry goes in the backdoor and f--ks em up, wait, that soundfs like sodomy!

the doons battle on both ends but the townsfolk brings a battering ram as they flee the gateand go to their hobbit hole dwarf cave drow lair

the battle rages on and its pretty b--chin as these inbred cannibals are shown what for

carvwer's horce falls in the water with him in its a565 and john boy goes after him on the road like its f--kin night rider

he gets to him on the road, picks him off his horse, throws him in the ground, then jumps on him and fights like its the 20s

its like hetero mma and he ends up b0mning him dead or w/e they did offscreen

wait, they face grapple and carvwer  pulls out his b0ning knife and gets john in a lock to shank him but john overpowers him and tears the meast from his stabbing arm

the blade falls in the bog and john throwes carver srayskull in tio be mummified and found decades later by sceintists so he never has a real grave

dont worry, he's gonna be ok, he just needs some rest, theres a hospital planet nearby

so john have ended the threat of the doones and sent them to h e doubl;e england but misses his lorna

at least the doone will never waste anyone else, he saved countless people from their evil

and the kids they can have now that they dont get their parts destroyed by these liusty monsters

but somehow lorna is alive and ok

i guess she just needed some rest asnd they had a hospital planet near by

they reunite and the inbreeder cousin doesnt get punished for trying to wack a girl to steal her b4 like dfegrassi meets game of thrones

and just like game of thrones, theres inbreeding

the end

that was quite good

i liked it

good story

it kinda is 3 films in 1 with each ssegment kinda resolving and a new one happening

sortas like popeye from 1980

good acting and production

good scenarey and style

the guy who did the blue bird did this and it has more polish and effort, btu tells a great story

its got bada55 fight scenes and good romance and action

its a solid movie and only like 85 mins

glad i watched this, its worth a watch

For Lorna Doone 2 I want it to be the 1800s and the carver who fell in the bog arises after having made a pack with a daemon in it to get revenge at the cost of his soul. he comes back as a boggy monster and tries to wipe out the descendants of lorna and john. but the descendants have intherited johns manly strength and lorna's smarts and are super people. so he summons more bog monsters and brittish yokai to fight them. and the bada55 john and lorna descendants gotta take em on. its also a 16 bit beat em of i mean up on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba, and atari jaguar where you play as up to 4 of the doones i mean johns and loornas descendants and they are bada55 nmanly muscle dudes aND CHICKS LIKE wwF AND AMERICAN gLADIATORS AND THEY (f u caps lock)beat through the mud monsters and brittish yokai and take the fiight to the bog to face the carver in his devilved forma; a big tentalce monster with multiple faces you gotta bust to reveal his core!

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