Sunday, March 6, 2022

Cattle Empire Review

 nOTE: i SPELL imperial and npt metric as thats sub human

Cattler Empuire

tHIS IS MY REVIEW ON Cattle Empire From the distant future year of 1958(30 years before Escape From New York Happened)

It stars Joel NcCrae, Phyllis Coates from Dr Quinn Medicine WoMn, Bing Russell from Cult of the Cobra (Kattobingu!) Paul Brinegar from Abilene Town, The 50s A Star Is Boern and hiogh plains drifter, Charles H. Gray frtom I Want To Live, and a buncha 20s guy i never heard of

Its directed by Charles Marquis Warren who did Rawhide

I never saw this before nut its on Grit and i got nothing better to do

aw  f--k iots wdesacreen

so after title and credits to music; they are in the town of hamilton but not the canadian one in sovietr canada

1 guy has justy capped a guy and they drag him opn a rope buy a horse

totally not a stunt guy

also i thiunk they just beat hisd a55 and didnt cap him

i think this is an execuution method and this guy and his blonde stop it and hes callerd mrf hamilton

the sherrif sez the guy is john cord and had it comming as he did time but the town don't thinmk its enough

apatrentlyt he crippled and nblinded people and hamilton losdt his eyesd from it

oh asnd hamiltin got the guys whon run the town trheir jobds

sherrif wanyts tosend him on his horse ff to die but the towmnsfolk who lostparts and people cuz of him wanna execute anyopne who hewlps him

the town keeps saying "its johgn cord" but hamilton dont gove a f--k as he sent for him and he and his bro and blonde take joew in

so they're gonna repAIR HIS damaged body with steampunk geasrs and springs right?

later blonde is helping joel and they used to have as thing but she married another guy

he smoochwes her but she don't liker it as he took out hamiltons eyes and she married eye f--k

imagine if he b0ned out the gues eyes and they popped?

joel meets ham ham and ham sez he wants joel to move a heard ofg 5-000 cattleya and the towen owns some of it

it can save the townn if they get it to this fort asnd ham eyuesd is williong to py him 15 000 $

Theres no one else they can trust andthe army needs Beef as they are MAnly Men who eat meat and not candy a55es who eat soy

joel dont wanna do it and walks out but the brother of the ham tells him he hates him but needs him anfoffers him a gun

i tyhink hev wanted to duiel but joewl doint wanna cap[ him andf wealks off

so he goes into town an d talkls with guys asaying the rivers are dry and its too hard to get the cattle across

he goes to a saloon and the mbarkeep dont want him as he let his men get drunk and they rampaged on the town like in violkence jack

hams rival confronts joel and wants his help to run rivals cows and start a cattle empire

joel consents and plans to join him in a fewe days

a drunk aims a gun at joel and wants to avenge his dad but joel throws a tyhing at him and stops him

so later the coews are moving, or moo ving, and ham eyes is leaning his gun as joel cokmes in and sez hes gonna do thew drive

joel asks for the men who dragged him to workj with him on the drive as they are skilled and not missing limbs

also he sez it';ll take him 3 days to get ready and lkater he's opout there and this chick comes by saying she grewe upo fast

so when he was 20 she was 2? what is this? hugh heffner?

so the catytle guys come on and run into some mexicos who wanna worjk with em

also the blonde and blind ham is comming

so b4 they go they say a prayer, which they can't do today as its racxist against daemon worshippers or w/e

so they mlve the cows onward and blondfe drives the wagon and later they rest for mid day in a spot as luke or daingo or w/e his name is goes off, of jowel

so its night and joel cvoems by the rival and sez the other guys arer 3 days behind him

he's doing 2 drives at once and is gonna lead the good gues ones to a bad river thats too thick to drink and the cows will go mentasl

so he went back to the ham heard and ham asks if its starry tonight, he sez yes

imagine if they got an eyeless actopr to play him so we could see his eyeless sockets?

this is blindface! the actor can see!


thoman jefferson sez he sides with him but if hes goinna f up the steers then they are going

later blonde comes by juel and sez it was bad she and ham came and she wants to go home cuz she's going back to liking him and they were gonna kiss but it cut to an add

in the real version they werte b0ning

later its day and blondfde talks with joel abnnout the night and wjhat top tell her eye f'd husbnband

which i tyhink they did b0ne and the guys think joel is gonna f em over so the rival wins

ham eyes blonde ddragon sez he knows joewl wont f them over as caTTLE DRIVING IS HIS LIFE AND f u caps lockk, suivj my 7 inch uncut slavic d0ng

so thje cows go on across this hokuto no ken wasteland and soe guys wwanna go off, but the joel sez they can go but he promised he;'d get 5 000 cows in and the cows stayu\

they rest for the night and he sez he'sd gonna go b4 sunrisde (but not toei or tms)

at night the jop el comes by rival and sez hes gonna get his herd to the herd i mean fort b4 rival as he dont know how to lead 4000 cattle to their ends

even though they're gonna be chopped into meatloaf later

so he sez hes going to this creek and goes off and rival sez he thinksd its a trap and the creek is dry so hes gooing to da river

the good ham herd guys wanna string up the jor el but joel cxomes back and sez what might be interpreted as callingf him a candya55

they nearly throw hands with bullets but he sez if tthey wana quiit, nows the tim,e, cusz thing are gonna get f--k soon

1 guy sez hamilton is a dead town and he''s goping off elsewhere

the next day the cows come on and to water and therival isnt there and theres no sign of him

so the ham guys clean a veal calf in the river and blonde talks with joel a bout it

after a very western shot of blue sky, wasteland and man on horse, the cows gon on

joekl talks with ham whos riding a horse without eyes and joel sez hes gonna get da herd threw

later they find a dead cow but i think its not dead dead so they cap it

joel hooks its heart to a battery anbd it beats, thern he b0nes it

nah thats 1000 wayts to die

atyt the night the jowel eats the food with the chick and thery go on

later they reach a green area the mexicfos say they made it

so they have the cattle cross the rub icon/delaware/red sea and the men get drunbk and face joel

joel told em tyo not go to topwn and oh its the guys who shot up the down b4 wjhjen drunk

wait its not and joerl tells em hes not letting em go to town drunk ahnd f the other town up

joekl pulls a shot gun and they get their guns and blind ham tells em not to do something they'll regret

also ham sez joel brings his own booxze and once he had a lot of men partying

but blind ham and rival ko'ed joel and scatytered his herd and sent his drunk men loose to f the town

when joel confronted him,they fought and in the fight joel typook out his eyes, and when the trial for joel happened; hasm found out his eyes were f'd and he was too bitter to tell the truth

blonde sez they sghould have iced him but ham sez how he regrets it

i assume as this is a 50s film; blind ham will bite it and blonde will marry jo el

jo el chats with blonde and a guy comes by from rival saying he's gionna ambush the  hamm herd at the indiAN PASS

btw this kinda shows the evils of alcohol as it nmakes people say and do bad things

most westerns show booze as normal but this shows the consequences of that

so the ham herd goes on to the final battle  as dramsaatic msic plays and rival gets hgis men ready

the ham herd horse heroes come by this roick fortress probasblly made by giants in the past annd they they see the rivval herd i mean horsemen comming annd opening fire

they return fire and more guys falling offf horsesas they fire

eventually more horrsemen come and rival herd is at gunpoiint but rival runs on foot to the rocks

he and joel trade bullets and rival runs as joel is head down

they move around and rival hears feet comming up the rocks and the jo elk gets rival at gunpoint from behind

joel puts his gun away and they  have a duel and joel caps him

joel sez rival will live and blames his losdss of the herd on being newgative foir thinking advicce is a trap

so they have lost 182 cows out of 4000 and joelkl is going off on his own to be  with a chixck whjo wants him

blonde ssez he knows whats rught and the jo el goes off to  the wasrtelands lik its Violence jhack as the cows are aLMOST ready tyo graduate from bovine university

chick comes by and chick cxomes by and chats with joel about wanting to be his wo man

he sez we'll see and i'll come back and jpoel gos off into the background

The end

That was  pretty good

nice twists, goodf acting, good story, nice music, good filming and well done characters

good tension where it loks like the characters will fight but dont (Like the Streety Fighter Movie?)

it was a good film thsat holds up and goes by at a good pace

Glad I saw it

For Cattle Empire 2 I want Joel's character to be invvestigating a thing of mutilated cows and tryting to piece together te mysters, but in thge end: daemons attack and they were behind it, so he uses a blessed shotgun to fire holy bullets into emn to take enmm on! Its alsoi a 16 bit Run and Gun game on Sega Genbesis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar  and GBA where 1 player is joel and the other is the chick from the 1st movie and thery fight the alien daemons.

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