Thursday, November 7, 2019

Hudson Hawk Review

note; i spell as good as this film did at the box office... ol, maybe not dat bad
hudson hawk
this ismy review on hudson hawk from 1991
its got bruce willis, danny aiello, the guy who was zangeif in street fighter/christopher wallkeins son in batman returns, and frank stallone
according to critics and the box office, this film s-cked
but i liked DragonBall Evolution and D  O A Dead Or Alive so maybe i'll like it
i never saw this b4 so this is a new experience
its directed by Michael Lehmann who did airheads, 40 days and 40 nights, my giant and some 80s bimbo movie
wtf this is 18+?!
but there was a gameboy game of it!
so it starts with a guy reading a book aboit how da vinci made a super horse statue but they ran outta bronce
so he made a machine to make lead into bronze but it made gold
i ggotta say good effects in here
way better than cr-ppy a55 cg
they used props and real matter to do it
so da vinci sends a guuy on a flying glider thing
then its da 90s homie and bruce is a cat burgler called da hudson hawk on parole and this cop wants him to do a job for him
he dont consent andd goes out with a joey jeremiah hat from degrassi
his danny aiello homie pix him up and offers him ideas to do like b0ne chicks or play nintendo
bruuce dont know whats nintendo
how lomg was he in da slammer??
they go to their old bar and its upgraded too much and these mafia italianoe bros (the mario bros) want him to  do a job for em and are gonna f him up if he dont
so he and danny plan on dooing it but bruce has 2nd thoughts
also bruicer has an xmen power that lets him know how lomg some songs are
so they go to da room of 1 building, climb across a rope to the next one, and glass cutter through to snag the thiing
after setting the secutry cam to loop, bruce usings a song to time his jacking the item
but thr cops notice thecameras are looped and get caught by brouce and alioeno
but the fat cop comes after em and on da roof they can't go back as they got rid of the rope b4 and they jump
somehow they get to the mario bros place and the cop gives da horse to this brit
brit busts horse and wastes cop b4 leaving with the mario bros
later da paper sez the cops prevented the horse from being jacked and bruce wants to investigate
at the place is an auction and the cchick from 4 weddings and a funeral is there
as are guys eating chocolate bars
chick chex da horse and sez its perfect
this other cjick buys it for 100 millikn 1 $s and as the guy bangs his gavel, the place blows and bruce saves chick
oh and chick trips the fat guard b4 he sees bruce
later bruce is in an ambulance and the mario bros i think have him
so he sticks 1 in the fasce with a tray of needles and beats the other
its like riki-oh meeets home alone
they shove him out and he goes down the road in a wheelie tray thing as the mario bros chase him
now this would all be cgi
he throws change into the toll thing and gets through as the mario bros ambulance blows in fire
then the bad guys i think show up and are named after candy bars llike a dbz thing
the guy in charge of em set bruce up for his last crime and is a master of disguise
they slug him out, inject him with aids or autism or something and put him in a packing peanut box and he wakes up in soviet rome
then he meets the rral head of the bad guys who hired the set up guy and mario bros
man this is like a video game
he meets the real bad guys who wanna take over the wolrd like m bison
he wants to go back in jail but they'd ice danny if he do
they have him jack the vatican for da vinci's notebook, the codex (so thats where winx club got it)
in the book room is the chick and this littlr teddy bear girl whos actor is probably like 19 but ages slow
the teddy bear is thrown and hits da book case and the vatican goes into lockdown
chick takes bruce to the mail tunnels for the pope and has a date for him
after that its revealed shes workinh for da church and her priest dont lik hudson hawk
bruce calls danny but hes not there and beats up a blonde tough guy who attacks him
i think the da vinci code ripped this off
so the badds want him to get the item tonight or they'll grind up him and his danny
man we're like an hour in
that felt like nothing
i otta review a brit movie soon
i havent said "in america, its we the people, in england, its, we who are subserviant to the regent" in a while
so he sneaks in on the mail train and uses acid or somethimng to get the glass off and yank it wiith a fishing line as the guard investigates
so aftee a semi chase, he gets away and makes it in time for his date with the chick
also the badds are at the restaurant
he slips he was in jail and she likes it
they go back to her place and he tells he grew up by da hudson so hudson hawk
he wants to b0ne her cuz he hasnt b0ned in 10 years and i gguess he didnt go prison gay
but she finds the book and shhe reveals shes tracking the badds for years
she drugs him with gay coffee as real men drink pop and the guy who set up bruce is working with her
she meets set up guy and he wants to bust the badds after dealing with em in the book
but they are really working for the badds
she realises this and does confession and priest sez if da badds get the 3 gems for the gold machine, the ecomiony is f'd
she goes to check on danny ailoioes and the bads get the book and the ge
they tell the candy a55es not to hurt bruce so he beats em up until they are gonna slice off bruces parts so he stopds
so the badds are gonna f the economy with making gold and need bruce to jack a toy helicopter for the gold machine to work
and if bruce dont accept they'd torutre and f him and his homies
so i missed a bit when the tv box had to update but then bruce is fighting a guy amd fell outta das building
so aparently, danny faked getting iced and chick was in on it and they reunite with bruce
later the candy a55es show up, hit em with stun darts and the bsadds have the item
also chick is there and she admits her love to bruce
the bsasds take away chick and 2 stay behind to set charges to blow the place
one trips and it sticks to his head and the other gets hit with the stun dart  by bruce blowing it back through the pipe
they escape and attack the castle of the bad guys like freekin castlevania with the charge launcher while singing and fighting the candy a55 crew
chick kicks out evil chick and gets away with the gems
after danny takes out the main bad guy and caps the dtiver, he  goes off a cliff in a car and it blows for no reason
oh and main bad guy got out and locked him in
they catch bruce and chick and want him to put the gems in together for them as they cant do it cuz they s-ck
everyone is so over the top and cartoony
evil chick sez everyone thinks the world revolves around them. but for her, its real
this just got deep
tthey use da machine and its got cool 80s effects
bruce reveals to chick he left out a piece of the gem and the machine f's out
brce kills the badds and fights the guy who set him up i think
he uss the guys swords to get off his head aand the dog attacks the chick
so he nails it out the window with a ball launcher and bruce and gf escape in da vinci's glider
they land he asks to play intendo with her and she consents
get a sega!
also, just like dbgt a heroes legacy, danny aileoe survived falling of a cliff and comes back at da end
air bags and a sprinkler system
they have coffee cuz they dont have souls and real men drink pop
the end
i liked this
its fuun, silly, offbeat and jazzy
itd got heart and style and fun and good 50s music
the acting and eeffects are good and everyoned over da top
i enjoyed it
its cartoony and zany
a bit airplane! a bit kung fu hustle
plus the movie mentions 1992 like its always gonna be the future
this one was good and i think its enjoyable
for hudson hawk 2 i want for the remnants of the bad guys from the 1st movie to go wild and without having a leader, start going mental and desyroying everything. also bruce willis has to save the day by beating em all up one by 1 with his new jersey kung fu. its also a beat em up on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you are bruce willis and go around an action platformer level beatng up all the guys and injecting roids in to get more stamina.

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