Sunday, November 17, 2019

Rango Review

note; i spell wild west stlewye
this is my review on rango from 2011 (The year the zentraedi attacked earth in robotech)
its directed by the guy who did pirates of the carribean and stars johnny depp, al molina, bill nighy amd the guy the rednecks b0ned in deliverance
i never saw this b4 but my wicsconsion homie likes it
its ratted pg like transformers the movie but the soviet californians wanted it rated R for smoking
candy a55 commies!
they are ok with butt hammering but not smoking?
i mean i dont smoke or drink or do drugs or b0ne or swear
but kids can handle smoking
people think kids otta be sheltered anc cant hear anything pg
once i was at a yugioh tourney and told this kid that jesse anderson (the gx character) has the same name as a serial killer
this slow guy got p-ssed cuz i mentioned serial killers to a 12 year old
spoiler; the kid knew an had no issue with it
so after opening logos ad a title, we hear some mexican animakls talking abouyt the life and death of a legend
then this lizard acts out a play with cr-p in his cage
after experimenting with accents an ideas he flirts with a piece of a barbie doll and wants an unexpected eventv to give him some conflict
then the car he's in swerves and he flies out and is in the baking sun in the desert of probably soviet california
a run over armadillo who caused the car to swerve tells lizard hes on a quest to see some ghost or w/e and tried to getta cross da road
then cars go by and bump him around in the slipstream and wheels
armadillo (like arnold from bubsy?) is better now and tells him to go to thr desert to a town with a water ritual
is this the 3 ep oav new fist of the north star/shin hokuto no ken?
in there he talls to a catcus and rock and tries to blend in with the desert to avoid a bird
he hides in a coke bottle and bird lifts it up and drops it on rock
the rock is some kinda monster and gets caught by bird and probably eaten guts 1st
then hes in water and dumped out a tube and thisgun chick questions him of his deal amnd how her town has a dtought
he sez hes a perfor4mer and she sez her name is beans like the guy from coontra force
she has issurs with her dad being somewhere else and shhe spazzes out for a few seconds
she gives him a ride 2 town and drops him on the outskirts b4 going in
beans buys cr-p and owes the store stuff and denies knowing lizard
he goes 2 da salloon and orders water but they only got cactus juice
he realizes he can be anyone as hes not knoewn here abnd acts like a bada55
meanwhile, beans is at da bank and they use water as cash like its mad max
and they;re almoist out
she tells emm someones dumping water in da desert and banker dont buy it
so lizwrd calls himself rango after durangfo on a bottkle or w/e and tellls a crazy impossible but probably happened on 1000 ways to die story of him wacking 7 bros with 1 bullet
this big bada55 lizeerd comes in and bllows smoke in rangos face but rango burps on him and his cigar catches fire
but he takes it like a bada55
so they they duel but not eith archfiends, with guns
but everyone books it when da burd comes in and rango dont notice and acts cocky
he turns around and hides in da outhouse but da bird cuts it open like rei in hokuto no ken
open outhouse? big monster?
is this jurassic park 1??
rango runs and bird chases and busts the town
he hides in a vending bmachine which bird uses a coin on (1 quarter for a chocolate?! bull sh-t!!)
after another chase, bird pulls a cord and the water tower crushes it with its legs out like wizard of oz
now rango lucked out (rolled a 20 in D&D) and is the hero
sorta like in the harold lloyd movie a sailor mande man where he keeps lucking out and looking like the baddest a55 in the navy
so rango meets da mayor and hes a geezer turtle
turtles can live like 200 years
imagine if franklin had his great uncle forest come by and wasn't too keen on beaver as in his day, he owned the beaver race!!
that sounds like a mad tv thing
oh and rango is sheriff or w/e and the people are fanboying him
he nearly blows a hole in a little kids head
beans wants to examinate the water mystery with the rango but he's busy with the people
kinda like nightmare b4 christmas with jack ignoring sally
then the town does this dance ritual to music on a speaker and a guy sez now that da bird is iced then the snake will come
nah its a rattler
didn't i review that rattlers movie?
yes i did
they have a religous ritual and turn a pipe for water but only cr-p comes out on rango
beans sez somethings up and slips that the bank is outta fluid and
so they go to da bank and rango shows em how drinking too much water is gonna make em turn on each other
by wasting water
so he sesz as long as theres water, there's hope and he need sto find da water
at night he chats with some moles digging the ground and the next day the bank was jacked
its implied da moles did it
so he ggets a posse togerher to string em up
he gets some mexican looking guys to help and deputizes a buncha homies, including a bird wuth an arrow through da head in the eye
disney woould never havve that in a kids movie
so tthey follow the tunnles iin da bank and enentually go above ground and find the bank guy drowned
so the mexican guy senses some guys and they go after em
later its night and rango tells em of the siprit of da west
rango then claims the snake is his brother somehow and hes immune to his venom
then the guys pray and give thanks for rango
so rango and beans chat and grow closer
next day they see the moles and they put on an acting thing to trick the  moles
rango wears the beans dress like lancer in robotech and they pull guns on da moles
but a swarm of moles come out surrou7nd em
1 guy fires a revolver and bites it and the boar pulling the water wangon runs off and the possse gets away on it
but da moles chase em on bats cuz bats can carry moles and fly perfect
rango gets caught and hangs from a rope as he accidentallly takes  out a buncha guys and flips from bat to bat
oh and gun guy didnt bite it
so they fimd out the moles never had the water as they found an empty jug in da desert and when they went to rob da bank it was empty
they bring em back and mayor wantts to string em up
mayor is building something and rango suspects him of beingf behind this
so eeveryone gives up and rango tries to give them hope
but then a big a55 snake cimes in with a gatling gun and calls him brother annd tauunts him with his own boasts of wasting the 7 bros from 1  hit
he outs rangos lies and rango admits he was a faker
so rango leaves town and waners the wastelands and finds the spirit of da west who's totally not marty mcfly in back to the future 3
he tells rango its da deeds dat make da man and names dont matter and its about the people who need him
then armadillo is there and sezwe see what we need to see and shows him a boat in da desert
is this like that spanish gold ship in the deseert?
also these casctiyues move through da ground to da water and find a modern city with sprinklers
he realizes mayor controls da water and goes back to save da town
so beans is offered to sell her land to mayor but she dont consent
snake nearly eats her but rango comes out
beans; go to h-ll!
snake; where do u think i come from??
thats pretty bada55
disney wiould never have that in their kids film
also its similar to violence jack ova 1
harlem b; i'm gonna send u to h-ll!
jack; i'll go home when i'm ready!
so rango faces snake a55 in a duel and his townies set up the pipes to flow
snake caps mexican guy but the water from da pipes busts the town and throws snake sky high
when he comes down, a bird fles over but its just synchronized bats
rango aims his gun at snakes head but mayor has beans hostage
beans and rango are oput in a water jar that fills up like in Dr Masbuse
mayor is gonna ice snake as he dont need him now but rango breaks out by using a bullet he saved
so rango earned snakes respect and snake goes off with mayor ti turn inside out and eat alive
the mxicans or w/e who sed rango bitex it say he;s gonna bit it later in some random thing
the end
that was pretty good
fun, cool, well animated and acted
good music and fun
good pg style thats not too much but has enough bite to be cool
sorta like robotech
or rocko's modern life
i thought this was cool and i;m glad i finally ssaw it
we need more films like this
for rango 2 i want the mayor to return having gotten a lucky one hit kill shot on the snake and has used gears and tech to make an exosuit to let him fight harder and keep up with rango. he scares rango outta town after beating him up and throwing his body off a cliff but rango was saved by a cactus man who trains him to become the bada55 he claimed to be to return and take out the turtle mayor. also its a gamecube, xbox and ps2 and dreamcast game where you go around semi 3d levels and do things to build up skill and ability points to get tough enuff to return and beat the turntle mayor.

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